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  #1  
Old 01-30-2019, 05:39 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Default Parallel Parenting

I recently spoke with our OCL assessor and she said she is leaning towards a Parallel Parenting Custody arrangement she thinks could work. Of course I googled it, and understand the concept, but was hoping to get some insight from the members here. Does anyone have this arrangement, whats the good and bad???

I did use the search feature here, but didn't come up with much, is this not something a Judge orders often or OCL recommends?
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Old 01-31-2019, 01:03 PM
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https://www.ottawadivorce.com/parallelparenting/
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Old 01-31-2019, 02:15 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Thanks Blink! I am hoping a member who has this type of custody can chime in and let me know how it works in "real life".
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Old 01-31-2019, 08:39 PM
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Parallel parenting is a style of parenting after separation where there is minimal interaction between the parents. As long as there is a clear & comprehensive court order in place and both parties are complying with that order, parallel parenting provides minimal opportunities for conflict and everything is cool. I would say that I use this style of parenting and my kids are thriving; so far so good anyways.

Last year my daughter had a snow tubing playdate with a separated couple that took their kids to the mountain in the same SUV. That couple is not in the court system and to my knowledge they don't have any court orders in place. Honestly I can't even tell they are separated. That kind of parenting after separation is not parallel parenting; it is at the other end of the spectrum. This is seemingly a better parenting style, but there is a downside: if things are so great, there is no place to go but down. Should things sour between the parents, the opportunities for conflict are more abundant and there is a bigger potential drop in happiness for the kids.

In a parallel parenting situation, inter-parental relations are already pretty close to rock bottom. The kids have low expectations and there is no place to go but up. This is a good thing. Stress is associated with changes in one's situation. The advantage of parallel parenting is that it doesn't rely on the other parent's cooperation aside from complying with the court order, so it is stable; unlikely to change.

Child transfers:
- Transfers at school: these work best for parallel parenting.
- Curb-side drop-offs work well.
- For curb-side pickups, in practice you have to announce your presence somehow. Even me & my ex would pick up the kids at the door. I would not call her and hang up; that is weird.
- Walking right up to the ex's door and ringing the bell: this is not a very parallel-parenting kind of thing to do.

Communication style:
- By email.
- Rants & stupidity ignored unless it bears a court stamp.
- Note that you are not supposed to communicate through your child. (But to some extent it happens anyways.)

Suitable for:
An introverted personality, which I would say I have, is an asset for pulling off parallel parenting.

Parallel parenting is not a type of custody that a judge orders; the ottawadivorce.com website is incorrect to suggest that. A judge won't order "parallel parenting" per se. He or she may however make orders that facilitate parallel parenting; e.g., an order that all communication be via email or that the bulk of the transfers occur at school. Finally, as blink recently pointed out, you cannot order someone to parent.
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Old 01-31-2019, 09:12 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Thanks so much Goolguy41 for your input!!! We are definitely not the parents that could be in the same SUV for the sake of our children. I do think this parallel parenting could work for us.

So far, most drop off's are done at daycare/bus stops with the exception of Sunday nights. Unfortunately curb side drop offs don't work for us, as we have a "runner" (an Autistic term, for a child that needs a hand to hand drop off, or they could simply run into traffic).

Email communication is not working, we both are at fault for that. We do not communicate through the children though.

Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".

Again, thanks for your thoughts, much appreciated. I am doing much of this on my own without spending a fortune on legal advice.
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Old 01-31-2019, 11:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
So far, most drop off's are done at daycare/bus stops with the exception of Sunday nights.
Can that be changed? Make it Monday after school/daycare.

Quote:
Unfortunately curb side drop offs don't work for us, as we have a "runner" (an Autistic term, for a child that needs a hand to hand drop off, or they could simply run into traffic).
Meet at the local Starbucks. Kid can't run into traffic. The parent who shows up early can have a Venti something while they wait. Everyone wins.

Quote:
Email communication is not working, we both are at fault for that. We do not communicate through the children though.
How does it not work? You send emails, and you ignore anything that is not sent by email. Alternatively, any time a text is sent, you copy it verbatim in your reply email.

Dear ex,

In your last text message, sent at 5:53pm on Thursday Jan 31st, you said "I would eat a pus-filled bag of petrified testicles rather than meet you at Starbucks". Unfortunately, our other drop off arrangements are not working. Please propose a reasonable alternative. I look forward to your message.

Sincerely, moi.
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Old 02-01-2019, 01:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".
This is an Ontario-specific question better addressed by someone else. Where I'm from there is no such thing as the OCL.
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Old 02-01-2019, 07:49 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
Can that be changed? Make it Monday after school/daycare. [/I]
Unfortunately not, my ex wont budge on the access. In my dreams, I would have 2 extra mornings a month where I get myself to work kid free, or sleep in if it was a Holiday Monday.

Thanks for your input, much appreciated.
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Old 02-01-2019, 10:45 AM
Asphenaz Asphenaz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Do you think if the OCL recommends it, a Judge would take note? Access has been decided, we are just stuck on "Custody".
.
It usually depends on the judge and how the report is written. In my area the judges take OCL report as 'gospel'.

I would be wary of discussing things with the assessor, especially before the report is submitted. This might discredit the assessor and the report.
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Old 02-01-2019, 03:52 PM
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Thanks Asphenaz!

I've read so many horror stories about OCL on here. And our Legal guru Tayken, doesnt seem too like them either. I am looking for solutions and this assessor seems to have some, so I am all ears. She welcomes input from either parent whenever we feel its relevant and gives her feedback. For example Parallel Parenting which to be honest, I have never thought of.
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