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  • Communication

    I'm wondering what your take is on the issue we're currently having with my stepson's mom, with regards to communication.

    Relevant info in a nutshell:
    • My husband and my stepson's mom were never in a relationship; they have been raising their son separately since his birth.
    • After several attempts to reach agreements through mediation and meetings with lawyers, ALL mediators (including a high-conflict mediator) advised the parties to communicate only in writing, via email, as it will hold them true to their word and prevent any disagreements and conflict.
    • In 2007, a judge ordered that the 3 of us (my husband and I along with my stepson's mother) attend counselling to help us communicate more effectively. We attended, she did not want to attend with us. The counsellor suggested that we maintain written communication via email, and that we allow for one another to leave informative telelphone messages if email is not accessible.
    • For over 4 years, written communication has been our saviour, as it held my stepson's mom true to her word (as best as it could) and drastically reduced any unilateral changes due to whims she tends to have.
    • In the last 2 months, my stepson's mom has dug in her heels and is refusing to communicate in written form. (This scares us, because it makes us think that she is up to no good.)
    • We have been welcoming her to leave informative telephone messages (which we record for documentation purposes). She has been leaving informative message, until just recently.
    Now, she calls and leaves messages such as: "I have things to discuss. If you don't call me back, I'll assume you're uninterested in co-parenting with me and I will make all the decisions."

    My husband sent her a kind email letting her know that he feels most comfortable with documented methods of communication, and that she is welcome to leave informative voicemails or send a brief email to which he will reply immediately.

    She replied to his email in a telephone message stating that she will ONLY communicate "directly" face-to-face or voice-to-voice, and that she will NOT be leaving any informative telephone messages or corresponding via email.

    She now feels she has the right to call any time of day or night to verbally discuss issues "live."

    Her phone calls are getting very irritating, and her demands for undocumented communication worry us.

    I hope someone can provide some good advice in this regard... as neither my husband nor I know what to do in this situation.

    We know that she has alterior motives and that she is up to no good. (We know this by piecing together her recent communications and the things she has said/questioned.)

    Any advice would be great!

  • #2
    It sounds like you are well covered, and acting reasonably. I'm sure you've already sent her email describing that you want to continue written communication, and why, and quote the mediators recommendations.

    Maybe (probably?) yes she is trying to cook up something (aside from the communication issue)...but since she has not made any requests or complaints for you to deal with, then don't worry about it! Surely you have something more fun or productive to be doing? Pie in the sky advice, I know, but I believe it.

    Maybe she's given up on the idea of taking you to court on daycare/absent fees from xmas, and is looking for something else to chew on.
    Last edited by dinkyface; 02-11-2010, 12:43 PM.

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    • #3
      Tough situation. My new wife and my ex never speak. They have zero communication even when it revolves around the kids. That is a sad situation.

      I would suggest that you continue to communicate via written messages at least on your end. Email sarting with "I received your voicemail and ...." I would avoid any face to face as she may be up to no-good as you say.

      I would ask your lawyer to send her or her lawyer a letter stating that you are concenred by her sudden change in methods of communicating and would like to continue as it has been in the past. Stress that you certainly wish to co-parent and that sole decision making is unacceptable.

      If it gets really ugly you can always go for a court order that all communication be written and that respectable and informative communication must continue but only through emails.

      I hate to relate this to business conflict but I train my staff to always send back a "LOU" - Letter Of Understanding. This acts as backup if ever needed. .... (i.e. Susan, I recieved your voicemail and agree that you will pickup Steven on Saturday for soccer. You will bring him home at 7pm. If I am not understanding this correctly please write back). This way you are assured that unless she replies in writing you are clear.

      This must be very frustrating for you but you need to stay strong and protect yourself. Do not let the tables turn and put yourself in a weak or vulnerable position.

      Lastly, ANY verbal, face to face conversations should be witnessed by a neutral 3rd party. Liken it to supervised visitation. That will also keep you protected.

      Comment


      • #4
        I would also ask that she only be allowed to call during hours that are not disruptive, unless in an emergency. You ARE going to have to state what is considered an emergency (child is injured, goes to hospital, child is ill, needs someone to care for him etc) Discussing issues is NOT an emergency.

        I don't see why you couldn't get a court order for this. Have you tried arbitration?

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        • #5
          Thank you all for your responses.


          To add a few important pieces of information...
          • My husband ALWAYS follows her voicemails up with a synopsis of the information she communicated, along with his response. (Much like the "letter of understanding" you speak of, Gary.)
          • My husband has made it very clear that she is to call his cell phone only in cases of emergency requiring an immediate emergency response (i.e., fire, police, or ambulance).
          • In an attempt to effectively co-parent (which has been possible via written communication for years) my husband has been allowing her to leave informative telephone messages on our home phone line.
          Again, the problem is that now she is fully refusing to communicate in any way other than face-to-face or voice-to-voice.

          What do courts usually do in such situations, where one party refuses to communicate "live" (in an attempt to protect themselves) and the other refuses to leave messages or send emails?

          I really wouldn't want for my husband to lose joint custody because of a judge who may see this as a refusal on the his part to communicate with his son's mother and co-parent with her.

          How should we approach this matter? With my stepson's mom... and in court? We have not tried arbitration, but we have a settlement conference scheduled in May.

          Should we just ignore her phone calls and demands to talk "live?" Arguing back and forth with her is futile and time consuming. Would that look unfavourably on my husband?

          Comment


          • #6
            Arbitration sounds like a good idea. It starts out as mediation but if you can't agree then the arbitrator makes a decision that is made into an order. This would be to your advantage as the arbitrator would see your husband trying to make this work, and her putting up every obstacle she could.

            If you don't get an agreement at the case conference I would ask the Judge to recommend an arbitrator. It looks like your best chance.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by billiechic View Post
              Arbitration sounds like a good idea. It starts out as mediation but if you can't agree then the arbitrator makes a decision that is made into an order. This would be to your advantage as the arbitrator would see your husband trying to make this work, and her putting up every obstacle she could.

              If you don't get an agreement at the case conference I would ask the Judge to recommend an arbitrator. It looks like your best chance.
              Would you suggest arbitration BEFORE the May conference or to wait until after the conference?

              Also, is arbitration expensive? Given my husbands bouts of unemployment in 2009, we are not in a very good financial position right now. Hence, no lawyer.

              Comment


              • #8
                I think it costs more than mediation. You probably already know that you don't have as good a chance in court if you are self-represented. I know being self-rep is cheaper, but you might want to look into it mainly because of the stress and hassle it would avoid.

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                • #9
                  You know... this is the type of person who calls and leaves voicemail messages about how she will not call to leave voicemail messages.

                  Explain that one to me!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                    You know... this is the type of person who calls and leaves voicemail messages about how she will not call to leave voicemail messages.

                    Explain that one to me!
                    And the same person who just sent an email stating she will not communicate via email.

                    Baffling!

                    Any ideas on how to handle this situation?

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                    • #11
                      Send her an email back letting her know that you are fine with that, so long as she sends an email AFTER her voicemail confirming what she said.

                      What a nut!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                        Send her an email back letting her know that you are fine with that, so long as she sends an email AFTER her voicemail confirming what she said.

                        What a nut!
                        This would work if she provided any relevant info.

                        She leaves voicemails and sends emails saying "I will not communicate by email or voicemail. I will only communicate by live conversation. Call me if you're interested in communicating and being informed."

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                        • #13
                          They have joint custody right? She is OBLIGATED to share information about the child and to withold information because you will not communicate on her terms is not right.

                          Politely remind her of her obligations and ask that if she has a problem sharing that information directly with you that she can have her lawyer forward the information in a timely manner. (or some other 3rd party like the doctor or school).

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Gary_P View Post
                            I hate to relate this to business conflict but I train my staff to always send back a "LOU" - Letter Of Understanding. This acts as backup if ever needed. .... (i.e. Susan, I recieved your voicemail and agree that you will pickup Steven on Saturday for soccer. You will bring him home at 7pm. If I am not understanding this correctly please write back). This way you are assured that unless she replies in writing you are clear.
                            This is key to effective communication, and imperitive for you to maintaion a documented sense of whats going on should it go further.

                            Always repeat back the message to make sure you understand it, and give her an opportunity to clarify if needed. Other than that, stick to the reccomendations made by counselling, and I don't think a judge in the world would find you as "unresponsive", therefore giving you an edge.

                            Secondary thought:
                            Maybe she doesn't have internet anymore and won't admit it. Try buying a physical book to travel with child (Communications Book). Make sure you get one of those official ones with numbered pages so nothing goes missing.
                            Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-12-2010, 12:01 PM. Reason: spelling/addenedum

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                              Always repeat back the message to make sure you understand it, and give her an opportunity to clarify if needed. Other than that, stick to the reccomendations made by counselling, and I don't think a judge in the world would find you as "unresponsive", therefore giving you an edge.

                              Secondary thought:
                              Maybe she doesn't have internet anymore and won't admit it. Try buying a physical book to travel with child (Communications Book). Make sure you get one of those official ones with numbered pages so nothing goes missing.
                              With all communications, my husband ALWAYS follows up with an email. Whether he's responding to an email communication from her, a voicemail, or a verbal statement received during an exchange or phone call. He always reiterates the information she has communicated and asks for clarification when needed.

                              We used to use a communication book, but since my stepson began reading, we have opted for email. (As per a mediator's suggestion.) Plus, it's easier because with email, communications don't have to wait until visits.

                              We know for a fact that internet connection is not an issue. She has full access to her email from work, from her, and from her work cell phone. Even now, when she sends email to state that she won't communicate by email, she sends them any time of day or night... proving that she has access to email at home and at work.

                              I really do hope you're right about there not being a judge in the world who would consider us as "unresponsive."

                              And yes, Billiechic, they do have joint custody. But most information (medical, educational) we obtain ourselves directly from the source. We have a great relationship with my stepson's teachers and school, and they are very understanding of our situation and accommodating of our requests for information. Thank goodness for that!

                              Comment

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