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  • #16
    With respect to the OP and my learned friends here, I don't think this is the place to figure out what to do about the porn issue.

    Attempting to keep my personal feelings out of it, I feel the need to say that this is an issue for professionals to become involved in and determine appropriate action (assuming, of course, that action is necessary).

    The regulars here know more about marriage, divorce, parenting, etc., than I ever will, but I believe that this is an area of life that must never be treated with anything less than 100% professional attention.

    I am not suggesting that anything bad is going to happen by vitue of the history described by the OP: That would just be my uninformed opinion. I will, however, offer my somewhat informed opinion that Bad Things almost ALWAYS happen to kids right under our noses. Nobody ever thinks it's going to happen, and when it does everybody expresses shock and surprise... and then the ol' 20/20 hindsight starts tickling everybody involved.

    So, please, seek and accept advice on all matters pertaining to your separation, divorce, parenting, rights, etc., here, and avail yourself of any and all support provided. But if you are worried, even a little bit, about potential abuse of your children, please do not leave it to us to sort out for you.

    Just my thoughts folks, and they're not worth the electrons burned in committing them to type, but the hair is standing up on the back of my neck.

    One small bit of advice for the OP, if you're inclined to accept: I almost stopped reading your post at the very beginning when you inserted the "rolled eyes" smiley right after your suggestion that your ex feels that he's a victim too. Right or wrong, his thoughts are his and are equally valuable. There are three sides to every story and for you to dismiss his with rolled eyes makes me think you petty. It doesn't matter a tinker's damn (whatever that is! LOL) what I think, but you don't want to come across that way during any official proceedings. (Another valueless opinion, to be sure, but I'm waxing philosophical today)

    Cheers!

    Gary
    Last edited by Gary M; 02-13-2011, 12:09 PM.

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    • #17
      The more I think about this, the more I am coming to think that the guy needs to be held accountable for his criminal activity.

      Beyond the incredibly significant family matters that run the heart of this thread, he was in possession of violent child pornography.

      If canadamom does nothing about that, then she is condoning the behaviour. He has already admitted to consuming it. He cannot be allowed to possess that material without consequence.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
        The more I think about this, the more I am coming to think that the guy needs to be held accountable for his criminal activity.
        I tried SO hard to not say that, and I'm glad that you did.

        Cheers!

        Gary

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        • #19
          I agree entirely. This is going to come across as horribly blunt but there isn't really any other way to say it:

          He gets sexual gratification watching the rape of a 13 year old girl. She may not be his daughter, but she is someone's daughter who possibly ended up in this situation with someone who started out 'only' viewing the materials as well. If he thinks that is acceptable at what point or would he even step in if someone else was taking advantage of his children?

          There are so many facets to this that need to be considered, more than can be done here and far more than I am comfortable even thinking about.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Gary M View Post
            One small bit of advice for the OP, if you're inclined to accept: I almost stopped reading your post at the very beginning when you inserted the "rolled eyes" smiley right after your suggestion that your ex feels that he's a victim too. Right or wrong, his thoughts are his and are equally valuable. There are three sides to every story and for you to dismiss his with rolled eyes makes me think you petty. It doesn't matter a tinker's damn (whatever that is! LOL) what I think, but you don't want to come across that way during any official proceedings. (Another valueless opinion, to be sure, but I'm waxing philosophical today)

            Cheers!

            Gary
            Thanks Gary and I do hear you - I wasn't really intending to roll eyes, although I was aware of the name of that smiley - I just picked it because I felt that the expression best suited (visually) how I felt - more than the name of the smiley. It was clearly a bad choice, because what you express here, that we both have our own experience of how it was, is in fact exactly how I feel, and one of the great reliefs of separation is that is just doesn't matter anymore. The smiley was intended to indicate a dismissal of the whole debate, rather than a dismissal of just his side.

            Thanks for reading on, though, and not giving up on me. I appreciate your words, and I think that you are right about a lot in your post. I AM afraid to make the call that needs to be made. I know it needs to be made, but it really is the last thing I ever wanted. I think that more than anything what I was looking for here was support to help me find the courage to make the call I should have made a year ago.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by canadamama View Post
              I AM afraid to make the call that needs to be made. I know it needs to be made, but it really is the last thing I ever wanted. I think that more than anything what I was looking for here was support to help me find the courage to make the call I should have made a year ago.
              Mama,

              An option (although I have NO idea if it's ill-advised - another question best left to a professional) would be to talk to your ex and allow him the opportunity to make the call himself.

              It doesn't HAVE to be a case of "ratting him out" which I how I think you feel about this.

              It's easy to say this because it ain't me, but were it me and were you to come to me with this concern, an offer, and a threat to follow through if I don't, I would respond "Thank you for this consideration. How do you feel about supervised visitation until I complete a program designed to help me with this, after which we can talk about this again?"

              Just thinkin' out loud here...

              Cheers!

              Gary

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              • #22
                First, the bottom line is that without reporting this to the authorities, you have no legal bases to keep your children from their Father, regardless of the reason. Even if you can prove that he has been viewing child porn, after working with CAS and other organizations, he will have access to his children regardless of what you say/want. I agree with DTTE, that you need to education your children about inappropriate touch and give them a way to contact you at all times (personal cell phone maybe?). Hopefully they will feel that they can talk to you.

                Second, CS/SS is based off court guideline that requires you to also be providing for your children. If he reduces SS/CS payments, he can only do so within the guidelines set out. If he is within the guidelines, he is fulfilling his obligations.

                Third, I disagree with the above comments that you should not report this to CAS. This is the only way you can be sure that everything that can be done is being done to protect your children. They will investigate, determine what type of visitation is appropriate and help mandate treatment for your ex.

                Finally, as above, custody is about decision making and I believe in your case that joint custody would work, as you are willing/capable of communicating with him openly. There is no reason that custody should not be joint.
                Last edited by Pharah; 02-15-2011, 11:18 AM.

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                • #23
                  You need to seek professional help, Now! He has committed an illegal act, and as much as a child should not be torn from a parent, their safety comes first. This illness is progressive and because there has been no "ACT" to date doesn't mean your children are safe. He obviously has interests that can become very dangerous. Safe is better than sorry.

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                  • #24
                    Gary M: When my spouse worked with Brighter Futures on southern Ontario, that is how they handled issues with safety. If there was a need to call CAS, the BF worker would sit with the family while they called and reported the concern. This could be an option, not only to get the professionals involved but to have this guy admit that there may be a problem. Anyway, it was a great suggestion.

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                    • #25
                      some sick schit going on there.

                      Comment

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