Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

a positive outcome, please?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • a positive outcome, please?

    I am not sure what to call this thread but needed to get it all out...sorry all, for it shall be a vent, a whine, a distaste...a bitter disappointment in the end.

    My goal was to start a non-profit legal clinic...a bind between legal aid and lawyers' fees...to allow everyone, regardless of circumstance, access to decent legal advice and court service...it was a dream that started 10 years ago when I began the long trek through the minefield of canadian family law...and it was buried this week.

    Each year, my spouse and I spend between 10-20K on legal fees for the negotiation of 4 weeks of access with his child. Each year he pays over 15K in child support. Each year I recieve 2.5K in child support from my ex.

    Last year, during those 4 weeks, I was told by my stepchild that more access is desired. "Christmas, Easter, March Break and the WHOLE summer!!" Now, the message via telephone is that there will be no further visits, and the 9-yr-old states, "Mommy says I don't have to!"

    I, in frustration with "Mommy" have walked away as a stepparent, not to hurt, but to protect...seems Mommy gets pissy any time I am involved, and takes it out on my stepchild, yelling and berating, creating conflicting loyalties...report it! you say? Take her to court! you say? Nope, I cannot...that is my spouse's decision, and he is too afraid of what the courts and his ex have already done to him to fight further...so we give up.

    I am not a quitter...I fight for childrens' and parents' rights...but I just quit...I cannot do this any longer and stay sane.

    I am tired of the inequality in our system, am tired of every moment as a family being after acrimonious battles for a minimum of 6 months...I am ready to walk away from it all, for a stress and emotionally pain-free environment...one simple day without parents using their kids...that is all I ever asked for...yet thousands of people here in Canada do it daily, and can convince themselves that it is not for selfish reasons, it is not out of spite for the ex, it is in the child's best interest...and I think I have been dealing with too many of them in recent years...

    I don't know how you all do it, but I think I am done doing it. I need to hear some of the positive outcomes!

  • #2
    Perhaps you should be stepping back and letting your husband deal with his ex? (sorry, no idea of the dynamic here, but it kind of sounds like you are feeling like the primary 'fighter' in this arena).

    Comment


    • #3
      I am only the primary fighter because my stepchild turns to me with the things not comfortable discussing with mommy or daddy...and knows all too well how to play one against the other...I tend to stay in the middle, and do not involve the parents in our discussions unless it deals with health or safety...which I have had to do a couple of times...

      But this is not just about my personal...this is my professional, long-term career goals buried too...and I just am at a crossroads, I suppose.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post

        I don't know how you all do it, but I think I am done doing it. I need to hear some of the positive outcomes!

        I feel the same as you as far as wanting to hear the positive outcomes. I think some of the reality of it, is if you have a positive outcome you are happy with it and not need to be in a forum for help. That's society I guess, and our fast paced world, no time to take to say thanks and this is what worked out for us.

        Maybe I am wrong. But I will say this, we need to bring attention to Divorce Court in this Country. Even the United States say that Canada's way too outdated, and the United States and Canada are close regarding Divorce Court and our Children Litigations.

        Blow up Divorce Court and start rebuilding. Raise my taxes, but get my children the proper care.

        Attention needs to hit Schools, Doctors and other Professionals who are too legally tied and will not stand up for our children. All too often I hear a teacher say "I cannot get involved, we are legally not allowed" Or a government funded counselor "I'm sorry, this is confidential and we will only counsel your child if there is not any litigation going on regarding your child or we will no longer be of service". Why! Our children need these professionals to speak up.

        A lot needs to change, but change does not come with complaining and not doing anything about it. Raise awareness.

        IPP: You are a wonderful person! The answer, and help will come, sometimes when you least expect it.

        Hope and Love!

        Comment


        • #5
          Very sadly, remedies in civil law cannot hope to cure mental illness.

          Because goddammit, that's what you're dealing with when parents act vindictively and in contempt of their ex's, their children and the law.

          I really believe that there are only minor improvements that can realistically be made to the system. It's the parent or parents that are the biggest problem.

          Comment


          • #6
            The current system promotes fight instead of cooperation and lawyers feed and generate these fights. My ex has a free lawyer. That lawyer did more damage to her and to our daughter than anything my ex did before.

            Comment


            • #7
              I think this is the main problem. The current system does promote more conflict, causing more damage to families, in the long term, emotionally,mentally and not to mention financially.

              Alternative solutions to lawyers are just as costly. Such as Alternative Dispute Resolution, Arbitration, Child Assessments etc. The average person cannot afford the outrageous fees these services charge, and there is no other alternatives for low and middle class families, where couples can no longer be together, but they still want to do what is best for their kids.

              Comment


              • #8
                I think I kind of understand what you are going through. After desperately trying to help sad_dad with his situation and having him not take my advise, or anyone else, it's frustrating.

                IPP, you have provided some of the most solid advice/information on this site to date. I would hate to see you give up on helping people.

                Comment


                • #9
                  But IPP, I will be sure to let you know when I have my positive outcome. - I know it's coming, sometimes it all a matter of time.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    IPP, I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy about everything, I don't blame you one bit. What you're doing is a wonderful thing for others and I truly hope one day when perhaps there aren't so many external stressors making it seem impossible, that you will reconsider pursuing your dreams. *hugs*

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I had a "postive outcome" but the reality in separation and divorce is that no wins except the lawyers.

                      "Postive outcome" is just another way of saying "I didn't lose as badly as my ex".

                      Truly, in the end it boils down to how you and your ex manage to get along for the sake of the kids. If your ex is a whacko, and you are too, you're fucked.

                      Yes the system is adverserial and has it's weaknesses. But the system is only in your lives for a relatively short time. After that it's on you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post
                        I am not sure what to call this thread but needed to get it all out...sorry all, for it shall be a vent, a whine, a distaste...a bitter disappointment in the end.

                        My goal was to start a non-profit legal clinic...a bind between legal aid and lawyers' fees...to allow everyone, regardless of circumstance, access to decent legal advice and court service...it was a dream that started 10 years ago when I began the long trek through the minefield of canadian family law...and it was buried this week.

                        Each year, my spouse and I spend between 10-20K on legal fees for the negotiation of 4 weeks of access with his child. Each year he pays over 15K in child support. Each year I recieve 2.5K in child support from my ex.

                        Last year, during those 4 weeks, I was told by my stepchild that more access is desired. "Christmas, Easter, March Break and the WHOLE summer!!" Now, the message via telephone is that there will be no further visits, and the 9-yr-old states, "Mommy says I don't have to!"

                        I, in frustration with "Mommy" have walked away as a stepparent, not to hurt, but to protect...seems Mommy gets pissy any time I am involved, and takes it out on my stepchild, yelling and berating, creating conflicting loyalties...report it! you say? Take her to court! you say? Nope, I cannot...that is my spouse's decision, and he is too afraid of what the courts and his ex have already done to him to fight further...so we give up.

                        I am not a quitter...I fight for childrens' and parents' rights...but I just quit...I cannot do this any longer and stay sane.

                        I am tired of the inequality in our system, am tired of every moment as a family being after acrimonious battles for a minimum of 6 months...I am ready to walk away from it all, for a stress and emotionally pain-free environment...one simple day without parents using their kids...that is all I ever asked for...yet thousands of people here in Canada do it daily, and can convince themselves that it is not for selfish reasons, it is not out of spite for the ex, it is in the child's best interest...and I think I have been dealing with too many of them in recent years...

                        I don't know how you all do it, but I think I am done doing it. I need to hear some of the positive outcomes!
                        As you already know I do not have a positive outcome, but I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ConcernedDad71 View Post
                          I feel the same as you as far as wanting to hear the positive outcomes. I think some of the reality of it, is if you have a positive outcome you are happy with it and not need to be in a forum for help. That's society I guess, and our fast paced world, no time to take to say thanks and this is what worked out for us.

                          Maybe I am wrong. But I will say this, we need to bring attention to Divorce Court in this Country. Even the United States say that Canada's way too outdated, and the United States and Canada are close regarding Divorce Court and our Children Litigations.

                          Blow up Divorce Court and start rebuilding. Raise my taxes, but get my children the proper care.

                          Attention needs to hit Schools, Doctors and other Professionals who are too legally tied and will not stand up for our children. All too often I hear a teacher say "I cannot get involved, we are legally not allowed" Or a government funded counselor "I'm sorry, this is confidential and we will only counsel your child if there is not any litigation going on regarding your child or we will no longer be of service". Why! Our children need these professionals to speak up.

                          A lot needs to change, but change does not come with complaining and not doing anything about it. Raise awareness.

                          IPP: You are a wonderful person! The answer, and help will come, sometimes when you least expect it.

                          Hope and Love!

                          I can tell you from fairly recent first hand experience the schools will get evolved, though reluctantly at first. Stay your course, believe in your rights, which I did and I was sent to the Superintendent of Education, of which I explained my position, that person verify with the school Principle and CAS. Then next time it was my day to pick up the children at school and mom was there to take them, they ran interference with mom while I gained access to my children.

                          It is truly sad it had to come to that, but I do believe that though ever so slowly it is starting to be recognized that Men are fathers too and as Dads not only we have rights to see our children, more importantly our children have the right to see us!
                          Last edited by LostFather; 01-15-2011, 09:27 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            more importantly our children have the right to see us!
                            I could not have said that any better

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Well, as most know, I am not a quitter, and believe very strongly in parental equality and the benefit that equality gives the next generation...I spent the weekend thinking, and have come up with a bit of a plan...nowhere near final stages, but it's a start...first, there is an agency in BC that does what I want to do (opened in 2010), so I have contacted them for more information...then I went about looking into the logistical side of walking/biking/running across the country...biking, it could take up to 6 months...walking/running it could take up to 10.

                              I know it has been done before, but typically by fathers fighting for fathers' rights...I am looking at doing it as a mother fighting for fathers' rights/equality. I think this would have more impact. So...I am looking at taking a year off...and have started training more intensively...

                              My husband is behind me 100%, and my son would be if he was allowed to miss school and accompany me (lol...sure!). I am still planning and organising, but planning to start in April/May of 2012...

                              That gives me a new goal to work towards while rehashing dreams to see if there is anything left....thanks for the postives everyone.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X