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  • #61
    Don't get mad, if other's see holes in your position and positives to the other parent. Your testing your material against consensus of a public forum which many here have been down this road before.

    Effectively, no one here can actually predict what will happen at your trial but are more or less giving you constructive criticism to prepare for the unexpected. The outlook in your matter will be a present future consideration once a material change has been established.

    The parent's will be coming to the plate, I suspect on equal terms, with hopefully robust parenting plans that look to the kids future considering it appears to be some sort of established joint custodial situation throughout the 100 km hiatus and prior. It's going to be difficult to change.

    Strangely, you came to terms, then, as joint parents, to accommodate, but not now. One thing is certain is the kids are fortunate to have 3 adult parents that care about them.

    Many single parent's that have two kids live in two bedrooms apartments. They make due. It's not a crime, although it may be less than ideal to some. At least they have a place and are not living on the street.

    Lastly, it's unfortunate of the one parent's bankruptcy but, I believe the student loans survived.

    Comment


    • #62
      LV I like the way you say things, you are a bit more practical and sensitive with your wording. Both parent's actually filed bankruptcy, and my husband went to court and had his student loans included, he had to do that seperate because his loans had been less than 7 years, but he did go to court and they did include them.

      I understnd what you are saying, as i said in my opening thread we no longer know what is right at this point in the game. We are grateful that bio mom moved back, and that is fantastic, but it does not change the history, nor her stabiliity, over the course of the last 2 years, 3 months does not rectify 2 years.

      We all saw the movie the Lion King...do any of you recall the part where rafiki the baboon hit simba on the head? SImba said ouch that hurt, why'd you do that? Rafiki said , doesent matter its in the past, and simba replied well it still hurts... Or did we forget that childhood movie and lesson?

      Comment


      • #63
        Originally posted by Gary M View Post
        (sigh)

        We're not forgetting anything.

        We are telling YOU how YOU appear.

        We are trying to help YOU by telling YOU that if you take a deep breath, let go of the emotion, think strategically, and get your ducks in a row YOU will have an infinitely greater chance of success.

        We are telling YOU that if you continue to wail about what a Bad Lady his ex is, YOU will fail.

        FORGET the negative and PRESENT the positive.

        Take it or leave it: None of us have a horse in your race.

        Cheers!

        Gary
        Thanks Gary, you are correct. What you all see and hear is correct, we do get emotional, especially when something more drastic just happens.

        What we present people who are not in the thick of it, do not see the reality of what happens. I will focus on MY positives and MY ability to provide a stable home and environment yet being open to allow maximum access for my daughter and her mother. I'm not trying to take her away from her mother.

        For example. While I was retaining a lawyer, he had both my ex and me in his office, in separate rooms of course. After almost an hour, he comes back to me and says "I truly believe she is very stressed over this whole thing". True and who isn't. In a Settlement Conference she balls about her boyfriend wasting all our time, my lawyer and the judge spent the whole time talking to her about his problems and consoling her. When we walked out, she looked at me and laughed.

        Another example. She tells me just before she came back to the city, that she is severely emotionally unable to work full time, will discuss it with the judge but not to me, and she is unable to work full time. She is going to be reducing her income to match mine, therefore she won't be paying child support. Within a few weeks she files a Motion to lower child support based on a hypothetical amount she is going to earn in 2011. I tell her she needs to get back to the city and find a full time job and get back for the kids. I've been saying that for over a year. Within a month she is back in the city, has a full time job opportunity. ...just before we go to trial assignment.

        Another example. She has a perfect job, perfect schedule for her, not the kids but for her. She says she is going to stop paying child support, she wants me to be a man and live within my means. At $86K per year she says she is in severe financial distress and moving in with boyfriend, and to get used to it. The kids may want to move with her next year and I'll pay her child support. So, she threatens to stop paying child support to me, threatens to take my children from their home, family, friends and all they know their entire life. So, I told her I must protect against this and go to court as it never stops...so I did.

        Another example. Late in 2010, she stops working that casual job at with this employer she's been with for 11 years. She stops for 2 months because that is where child support comes from. She takes up employment with a new employer and refuses to tell me or FRO where she is working. Finally after me telling FRO the only 2 places I can guess where she may be working figures it out. My ex finally gets furious that I figured it out, starts to work again at this employer here, and work the new one...FRO takes all the arrears from both places as I had no support for more than 2 months. She gets angry and puts in her Motion later on that FRO was taking too much money from her.

        Final example. My daughter's mother doesn't come to school for meeting about my daughter getting in an IEP program. Nor was she at the child psychiatrist appointment for my daughter.

        See, I could go on and on. She piles lies upon lies. What she does is lie and tell tales and acts like the perfect mother, and as soon as she gets her way she flips and does what she wants and laughs in our faces saying she doesn't care.

        In courthouse she says after all this, she figures she'll be a good lawyer. What! What about the kids. This is not Judge Judy, nor a soap oprah.

        I get what you all say. But when we seem to become defensive, it is because we know the general routine of things with her. Why do you think I'm still in court.

        I am focused on keeping my children in a stable environment. Once that is established I have all intentions of as much access as possible.

        I'm not upset with anything anyone has said in here. I think we all have our take on things given our own situations. I also believe sometimes people will only see what they want to see, including me, but I do try.


        P.S. For mothers/women out there, I am for mother's and women's rights...if you knew me you would understand. This is not about Dad against Mom, it is about what is good for 2 children being ripped apart inside needing something stable to facilitate healthy growth.

        Comment


        • #64
          I agree, Everything should be about the kids in your constructive parenting plans and what you have to offer them, the kids, as parent's.

          Make your parenting plan superior to that of theirs. Taking potshots at the parent for the previous, suggests that although it hurt, you really can't forgive and brings out spite in your parenting plan. Is this a lesson you really want to teach the kids and a possible perception to be seen by a judge as parent's.

          Comment


          • #65
            LV that was not our angle, somehow RS seemed to think it was, right from the get go we said that we wanted to focus on ConcernedDad's positives and NOT the ex's negatives. Even yesterday we were working together to turn the bashes into, his positives, such as SHe never attends school functions or meetings to: My wife and I attend every school function and meeting, leaving room for the Judge to make his/her inquiries of the Respondent on his/her own

            Comment


            • #66
              Originally posted by logicalvelocity View Post
              I agree, Everything should be about the kids in your constructive parenting plans and what you have to offer them, the kids, as parent's.

              Make your parenting plan superior to that of theirs. Taking potshots at the parent for the previous, suggests that although it hurt, you really can't forgive and brings out spite in your parenting plan. Is this a lesson you really want to teach the kids and a possible perception to be seen by a judge as parent's.
              Not once did I say I planned any such thing in trial, nor will I.

              Comment


              • #67
                Good, as you really have one kick at the can with your superior kid focussed parenting plan against theirs.

                From what I gathered so far is they have clear employment expectations for next nine weeks and after that, the unknown, but do have lack of availability to parent and fulfill obligations at certain times now.

                With that in mind, frame your own, and that of steps moms employment expectations into the plan, and I think the best stable plan of care concerning your kids will surface concerning the children's certainty of attending school, appointments, extra curricular etc and the like.

                It wouldn't hurt also to send the Bio Mom a independent bona fide offer to settle parenting plan considering the stress and costs involved to date to all concerned. Who knows they may just accept on the face or accept with slight amendments but you will come out miles ahead.

                Comment


                • #68
                  I think you might get better responses here if you carved out more clearly about what you are trying to achieve here. I think you should stick to the legal end of things here and seek counselling to deal with the the family dynamics elsewhere.

                  In some posts you two are clear that you want to know what the court will do at trial.

                  In others you cite instance after instance of your ex's emotional instability, her selfish behaviour, etc. etc. etc. which suggests to me that you want support and validation for the troubles you have been through as a result of the ex's behaviour.

                  It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that you want both; a legal opinion, and some counselling but you are mixing your messages.

                  You have probably gathered from my posts that I regard this place as a forum for discussion of legal process and procedures and that the counselling end of it should be dealt with elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong advocate for counselling, but this is a divorce forum not a support group.

                  I do understand that others here think that it is appropriate to seek and give support for what people have gone through. I disagree and believe that it is counter productive to mix the legal and counselling issues into one forum.

                  Please remember that everyone here have had their own experiences with their ex, and many of us have had to deal with equally, or worse, whacked out ex's. I most certainly had to deal with addictions and mental health issues in an extreme degree, I guarantee you. But I don't, and didn't, make that an issue here. That is and was for another place.

                  For you to continue to cite examples of her behaviour where she cried to the judge and laughed at you later, or moved or changed her work to suit her own purposes doesn't add value to the mix for most of us. We have all seen it ourselves in some degree or another in our own cases. You're not telling us anything we don't know already about screwed up behaviour.

                  I think if you stick to the legal discussion here you will be far better off.

                  This is not the place to secure coping strategies that you need to deal with Mom's behaviour. That is a place for the counsellor or organizations like Families in Transition. Is your family using those kind of supports?

                  Finally, and I'm not trying to be pompous here, you should be thankful you are getting some of the constructive criticism you are getting here. Better to here it here in advance of a trial, rather than to have a judge tell it to you when it really counts.
                  Last edited by dadtotheend; 01-04-2011, 11:28 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    DDTE,

                    I think that our main focus is getting the legal advice, but all of us vent as well...sometimes having people empathize with the situation, helps, because we know we are NOT the only ones to have endured this. As humans we tend to attract others that have been in similar situation, and seek console with and through them. It is important that people can differentiate between when we are asking for legal advice, and when we are venting. We all need a place to go where we can let go of things, because ultimately what it boils down to is making sure we do not explode in the courtroom.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      lol, So, what is the parenting plans proposed?

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Originally posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
                        DDTE,

                        I think that our main focus is getting the legal advice, but all of us vent as well...sometimes having people empathize with the situation, helps, because we know we are NOT the only ones to have endured this. As humans we tend to attract others that have been in similar situation, and seek console with and through them. It is important that people can differentiate between when we are asking for legal advice, and when we are venting. We all need a place to go where we can let go of things, because ultimately what it boils down to is making sure we do not explode in the courtroom.

                        ABSOLUTELY!!!

                        Now - I need someone to tell me to put down the sharp object ! (Christmas was just F#%^&# great!)

                        I hear ya, and this is a safe place to vent, then breath, edit, take advice, think, and by the time you get to court, you WILL be in control of yourself. Emotions SUCK!

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          I do not know how to argue a week about to be better for the children when the courts focus on maximum access apposed to what is in the best interest of the children.
                          I now proposed to her to work with her new schedule, to make it as equal as we both can, but with the clauses that if she switches again, \we revert to a week about. If she moves again, they stay with me and she has every other weekend and a mid week overnight, if moves too far, every other weekend and a mid week access time to be returned no later than 7:30 that same night.

                          Maybe in trial the Judge may not like it and say, a week about and for her to deal with it as I do...and may need childcare. I'm not sure. But I am trying. He may see her track record and be concerned for the children enough to focus on stability.

                          My own hope, she sorts her life out and stops the continual lies, manipulation and dictation of how its going to be at each of her new life turns.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                            ABSOLUTELY!!!

                            Now - I need someone to tell me to put down the sharp object ! (Christmas was just F#%^&# great!)

                            I hear ya, and this is a safe place to vent, then breath, edit, take advice, think, and by the time you get to court, you WILL be in control of yourself. Emotions SUCK!
                            Well put, and I do try.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              When you say equal do you mean equal for the parent's or do you mean equal opportunity for the kids to come to know their parent's. There is a difference.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                Originally posted by ConcernedDad71 View Post
                                if she switches again, \we revert to a week about. If she moves again, they stay with me and she has every other weekend and a mid week overnight, if moves too far, every other weekend and a mid week access time to be returned no later than 7:30 that same night.
                                Do they do this (in case scenario)? I thought that they just dealt with the current circumstances. If things change then it is a material change in circumstance and be brought through a motion to change? I don't know???

                                The other thing is that it wouldn't just be her changes, it would have to go in both directions to be fair to the kids. Things are going to change with you and CSM. CSM will eventually be able to get a job here... would that change the access schedule? -Just something to think about.

                                I personally think that since mom is on 2 days, 2 nights, 5 off then basically 7 out of 9 days she is able to take care of the kid(s). That seems like a lot of time to work with in a schedule. At least it will be easy in the summer. I hope that she continues with her current positive changes.

                                Cheers

                                Comment

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