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  • Can anyone help me???

    So here's the situation... I really hope that this post doesn't get ignored....

    After a short relationship, I became pregnant. We were both young, (17 & 24). Within weeks after the "news", the relationship went really sour, (verbal and physical assault, minor, just some screaming and shoving), which we were equally to blame for.

    Long story short, I left him.

    8 months after the birth of our child, I introduced her to her father. I called him... he never once tried to contact us.
    He made promises to help us... which he never kept.

    I was on social assistance, attending school to finish my grade 12. Mothers Allowance forced me to either seek CS, or they would cut me off.

    In response, he was furious and he fought for joint custody. In the end, I kept sole custody, he had access, and was supposed to pay CS ($100/month).
    He was very, very angry and very resentful.

    Basically he hates me as much as humanly possible, and to be honest, the feeling is mutual. I think the guy is a deadbeat a**hole.... but only because he abandoned our daughter. Otherwise, I don't even know who he is anymore... I never really did.

    He never exercised access regularily, CS payments have always been erratic.
    He stopped seeing her when she was 4... told me that they "just couldn't get along", and he needed to focus on his fiancee and her son.

    He stopped paying CS for years, and when FRO finally caught up with him, 3 years later, he wanted to relinquish all parental rights. He practically begged me, then threatened me....I refused his request.

    Now, our daughter is almost 13. She is curious about her father. I never say anything negative about him to her. He is her father and I would never hurt her like that. I hate him for what he has done to her, but I believe that my feelings are irrelevant.

    I have never asked him for CS increases, help with daycare.... nothing, even though he has changed employment many times and makes much more money than he did 13 years ago.

    I am not able to speak to him without it getting nasty really fast. He has a short fuse and we just can't communicate. A lot of anger there.

    Keep in mind I have only spoken to him once on the telephone in the past 8 years.

    Last year I asked him, (via email), to consent to my husband adopting our daughter. He wanted me to sign out of FRO first, and I agreed. Then he refused to sign the adoption consent!!????

    I can only assume the reasons why, because he wont tell me. One might think that maybe he wants a relationship with our child?

    I highly doubt it though, I have never stood in his way before, and he has never asked to see her.

    I think mostly, he is a control freak, and he hates me, and does NOT want me dictating ANYTHING to him. It drives him crazy....

    Anyway, as he refused to let us have closure and move on with our lives, I served him with a Motion to Vary. I guess I figure that if he doesn't want to allow the adoption, then he can contribute to her bank account.

    So I know he is furious with me now....

    I have sent him a letter requesting mediation. He wont respond. I know that I am entitled to everything I have asked for... it is really that straightforward... so much so that I really don't even need a Lawyer.

    Thing is, I don't want to fight with this man anymore.

    In a perfect world, he would apologize to our daughter, and really mean it, and try to treat me with some basic decency, and at least try to get to know her... maybe even be a friend, if he can't be a parent.

    I wish I could just call him and work this out... but he will just scream at me.

    How can I get him to discuss this with me?

    He has no other children... how can I make him care about his ONLY child???

    What can I say to him so that he will at least try to work this out???

    Help....

  • #2
    Without knowing him, and that means knowing him in ways that you don't, like if we worked together etc, there's no way to get in his head.

    I'm 49 and a devoted father. When I was 24 I might easily have made the same decision he did, out of sheer immaturity and ignorance, as well as having my own emotional issues at that age. I'm not excusing him, but I'm trying to explain that he isn't going to just up and change.

    My brother and sisters and me have had on-again/off-again contact over the years, and I just want to say that we all have emotional issues buried deep inside us and we deal with them in the way we are able. For some people that means keeping them locked up and pretending they aren't there and living day-to-day pretending.

    In an ideal world maybe we could all get a decent therapist. But no one can force your daughter's biodad to go to therapy, to deal with his issues, and to deal with his daughter in a different way. You can't get him to do anything.

    Your daughter is now old enough to know the truth, but you have to be careful not to mix up it all up with your truths. Tell her that her father, for whatever reasons, couldn't handle having a child, having contact, or having responsibility. Tell her that sometimes people have to make a choice between the pain of dealing with a situation day-to-day, and the pain of walking away from someone that they should deep down care about.

    I suspect that walking away from his child wasn't easy or pain free, but it was the least painful way of dealing with it. For him it was the easy way out, that doesn't mean it was the perfect way or that he felt nothing. I'm not saying this to you, your feelings about him and the situation seem fair enough. But I'm saying this to your daughter who doesn't deserve to grow up feeling that she was hated and rejected for no reason. Her father didn't hate her. He hated his own circumstances and had to escape them. He is an imperfect person, like we all are, and he came up with an imperfect solution, like we all do. It's not what he would have chosen if he had a genie with three wishes. It's what he chose when he couldn't think of anything better.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you "Mess" for that, it was well stated and I felt the honesty I believe it holds for alot of men.

      Comment


      • #4
        You can't walk another's path. You can't make anyone do anything. All you can do is decide how you will respond when another's actions affect your life. It sounds like you've done the best thing that you can by moving forward and raising your daughter on your own.

        A father is a man. A man who takes care of his family - financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm inclined to ask if the person who "fathered" your child is any of those things. Is he her father other than genetically? Your best course emotionally, for both you and your daughter may be to have the conversation that mess recommends, then cut bait.

        You haven't said much about your husband, but judging by the fact that he wants to adopt her, I suspect that he is her "real" father. (see definition above). If that is the case then she knows that and knows that she being raised in a loving and whole family.

        Perhaps some day when she's an adult she will seek out this other man and directly ask him the questions that she wants answered and he will need to account to her directly. In the meantime, you could choose to go through the courts and force the adoption issue. I'm not a lawyer but it seems you would have a pretty good chance given his lack of involvement in her life. But I think what you really have to decide is if it's worth it. It's not the paperwork that makes your husband her father, it's his relationship with her.

        All the best. It's seems you've been dealt a difficult hand and you've played it well. Find peace.

        Comment


        • #5
          You can't. If he didn't want to for all these years, he has no interest. Move on. Genetical father can be a sperm donor. Like someone below my post said real fathers are those who support their kids all they can.

          You tried your best

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          • #6
            Thank you for your responses.

            However, I am still in a bind. I have filed the motion, and had him served. I sent him a letter to initiate mediation, I have not yet had any response.

            The 30 day time limit is fast approaching... I haven't spoken to this man in 5 years and I KNOW HE IS ANGRY NOW.

            How do I approach him to begin negotiating?

            Do I even TRY to talk to him, or just go through the motions in court?

            Will a Jodge look poorly on the case because we haven't even tried to negotiate amongst ourselves?

            Help...

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            • #7
              As I have learned with dealing with a similar sort of situation - there really is nothing you can do. I keep trying to compromise, intiate communication, generally get along with my ex - and she refuses every opportunity. If its to the point where you need it changed through the courts, just file your papers and wait for the process to unfold. Don't even consider how he feels. Just get done what needs getting done.

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              • #8
                do the motion to vary for the last 3 years, plus any extra-curricular activities in that time and also ask for costs

                http://www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.o..._change_EN.pdf

                since the 30 days are almost up look at step 7 and go to a Family Law Clinic at the cort office and get the help of the advise counsel

                also check out the flow chart on page 16

                Comment

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