Mediation

[OB1]

I went to mediation with my ex yesterday. The mediator was a lawyer. We were told the for my 19 years old daughter I did not have to pay child support but would be required to pay s-7 expenses. I thought I was required to pay until she gets her first degree. (She’s presently in University)
Also I was married for 9 years...she said this is a long term marriage as such the guidelines say I have to pay between 12- to 20 years of spousal support. That would take me to 70 years old. Please note I separated in 2005 therefore she said I would have to retro pay. She said this is because my ex is in her 50’s. I thought it’s supposed to be half to the length of the marriage. ( my ex did make a request for spousal originally but we never agreed to anything in the last 10 years.) We have not lived together since 2005
As for the matrimonial home she said my ex is entitled to the value of today even though the house was never under her name, only mine and my moms. The house has since doubled in price.
I agreed on most things just to end this. Now it’s up to her lawyer to go over the mediators report.
Mind you my lawyer may advise me different
Somehow I don’t think this is right...what’ your opinion.

[HammerDad]

I am not sure where the mediator came up with their comments.

First, you are technically still suppose to pay c/s for the 19y/o. However, if the child is living away from home to attend university, and you are paying for their accommodation and food through s7 expenses, than c/s is stopped for the period the child is away (or sometimes the courts will prorate the amount of 4 months c/s over the course of the year).

I would not consider a 9 year marriage long term. If anything it is mid-duration relationship and would expect ss to be anywhere from 4.5-6 years in length.

If you have been paying ss, than I don't understand why there would be any retro/arrears. I would even argue their is no entitlement to ss as the ex has been self-sufficient for the past 10 years.

If the house is in your name and your mothers name, you ex is entitled 1/2 of your half. As for the value being now, if the ex wants to claim a portion of the value and has not contributed to the paying of the bills, you can claim unjust enrichment and another common legal term that has left me at the moment. Others will likely chime in the proper term.

I would not agree to long term SS, nor would I agree to giving the ex 1/2 the value of the house now when they didn't contribute to maintenance or mortgage.

[arabian]

I would agree totally with HammerDad regarding the SS.

It is quite disconcerting to learn that this "mediator" doesn't know family law very well.

I'd totally disregard everything you were told.

[OB1]

We went back to mediation once more. My ex wouldn't commit to anything saying she needs advise from her lawyer.
Back in 2005 she made me an offer to settle which has not been withdrawn to my understanding. I was thinking of maybe accepting this. would it stand in court?
I,m real worried about spousal support. She did ask for it in her offer to settle and her original application. I haven't paid it over the last ten years because we we were dating on and off and it never came up again. My salary has doubled over the last ten years and she just got laid off. What should i expect?

[HammerDad]

We went back to mediation once more. My ex wouldn't commit to anything saying she needs advise from her lawyer.

That is fairly smart of her, and nothing that you should worry about now. Wait and see what, if anything, she comes back with and then you react. Worrying about "what if's" is unproductive and wastes energy unnecessarily.

Back in 2005 she made me an offer to settle which has not been withdrawn to my understanding. I was thinking of maybe accepting this. would it stand in court?

The offer may still stand, it would really depend on whether or not the ex rescinded it or if there was a date when the offer expired. However, taking it now may work, or it could really backfire.

I,m real worried about spousal support. She did ask for it in her offer to settle and her original application. I haven't paid it over the last ten years because we we were dating on and off and it never came up again. My salary has doubled over the last ten years and she just got laid off. What should i expect?

She may have asked for SS, but there was no order or agreement requiring you to pay it. Without the requirement to pay it, there really should not be arrears....that said, this is family court and stranger things have happened. I would still argue that there is no entitlement to SS due to the lapse of time and the ex being self-sufficient. The ex will argue that the loss of her job is a material change in circumstances, now entitling her. But her job loss should be temporary. There is an expectation that the ex will find work. Her request for life time SS should be fought with viscosity.

It sucks that, depending on the terms of the ex's old offer, you may have had a better deal with it than you may get now should SS be ordered because it will almost certainly be based off of your current income. But you need to remain focused on entitlement, or lack thereof. That the ex isn't incapable of working, has worked for years and was self-sufficient. That alone may not eliminate an SS order, but the goal then is to mitigate it. And those points will help.

[OB1]

Thank you Hammerdad

You mentioned if I accept the offer it can backfire. How is that? My understanding is she has not withdrawn it. Mind u her new lawyer my notice it and recind it. In the old offer she mentioned she wanted sole custody and spousal support for one year. I guess at the time I didn't want to give her sole custody and never agreed to the offer to settlement. Today my kids are 19 and 16 which doesn't matter.
Would the judge impute an income on here if we end up in court. If so would I have to pay her retro for the past ten years.

[arabian]

You've been separated for 10 years and never did equalization?

What are you waiting for? Are you planning to leave the mess to your children to sort out after you die? Things like this do hold up settling of estates.

Having an affair with your ex and not settling equalization doesn't look good. I'd laugh if she conjured up a line that you manipulated her (mental abuse).

Equalization became payable on date of separation.

You better start wining and dining her again...

[arabian]

I found one of your original posts on here from 2006:

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She has asked for spousal support, however i have not been paying it since she has not got a court order for it and I have no idea how much it would be. I presently give her the child support guidlelines as per my gross income.
I have made her offers to settle put she has refused them. Her lawyer managed to get a court order for discoveries. It's been delayed becasue of my health. My Docter has adviced that I don't go through any stress for now.
I'm sure within the next couple of month's she will be putting the heat on and most likely will get a motion for Spousal Support.
I hope the judge sees that she has made no attempt to get a job in 1 and a half years and grants spousal support accordingly."

So fast-forward 10 years later and you are in a good financial situation. Documents do exist of your ex requesting SS.

[OB1]

Arabian,

Not as easy as you make it out to be. I truly loved my wife and tried everything I could to make things work. We had two young children that needed both of us. My parents brought me up to value a marriage. I did not believe in divorce. Unfortunately, i was dealt these cards. I know I should have settled this many years ago, and it now it might destroy me financially. I hope that we can come to an agreement in our next mediation session. I will hire a very strong lawyer which will cost me a lot. I have no choice she hired a bulldog. At the end of the day they will win. (That’s what saddens me).
And if she didn’t ask for the world back then I would have settled this many years ago. Hard to give sole custody, unequal division of the matrimonial home which I owned 6 years prior to knowing her, spousal support, child support and everything else she asked for. I would have been easier just ending life in general. What else was there?

[OB1]

yes i agreed to pay what she wanted but then we never did anything about it because we started dating. She had not gone to a lawyer since August 2007.

[standing on the sidelines]

you are thinking worst case. Before you get to stressed about it talk to a lawyer about time frames etc. She may not be entitled to anything. If you feel so inclined maybe offer her a one-time lump sum to make this go away.

I can understand you trying to make it work with her. Your heart was in the right place, unfortunately her heart wasn't in the same place.

[OB1]

Thank you standing on the sidelines.
You have no idea how many tears these eyes have shed, and still shed over the breakup of my marriage. (And it’s been ten years), I wish I could just let this pain go away. I have recently offered her a lot as a lump sum payment, yet she wants more. My lawyer has suggested we try arguing the time limit, but I don’t want to see her get nothing. I want to be fair, she just wants to destroy me. I do fear what will happen, yet hope we can settle fairly.
Thank you again for your kind words

[arabian]

If you truly love her then make her a very generous offer and end this.

Some couples are addicted to litigation.

In scanning over some of your previous posts I see that you have a pension.
By not settling equalization within 6 years of separation did you not dodge a very large bullet?

I am sure that there are many other items that your ex's lawyers will be quick to point out as well, namely that your ex made MANY offers to settle.

[nogoingback]

As for the matrimonial home she said my ex is entitled to the value of today even though the house was never under her name, only mine and my moms. The house has since doubled in price.

Did you agree upon a date of separation? If so, that would be the valuation date for the house. If you did not, then this date will be paramount to not only the valuation of the house, but any other factors affecting equalization (i.e. pension, other properties, cars, other investments) That date will be one of the first things you should determine either between you and your ex or between lawyers. Obviously, the earlier that date the better for you, because it has a huge impact on the appraisal of your house and pension in particular. If she had a pension and/or investments, she would have to do the same.

I agree with others in that a lump sum negotiation might be your best bet, because it sounds messy (=big legal fees) and she might be entitled to the equalization plus ten year's interest.

[OB1]

We have a separation date which is back in 2005 when we last went to court. I have supplied her aproximately four offers, and she two. These were all done in 2007. After that everything went to a standstill, as I said we became friends and she did not pursue her actions against me. I have offered her several lump sum payments much higher than what I'm supposed to give her according to my lawyer. But she still wants more