What was the main reason for your relationship breakdown?

[LifeMovesOn]

Two's company but three's a crowd!! Things fell apart when I discovered my wife was having an affair.

[dovan]

My marriage breakdown was due to a number of reasons my children from another marriage the tug a war between parents, mild financial reasons he liked his toys too much (his a bass player on the side who thought he was going on tour the next day), my job that took me away from the home 3-5 days per week and at times up to an entire week at a time yet he fully enjoyed the perks of my job and finally his affair with one of the managers that I overseen, which caused me great deal of stress considering I had to deal with this person in a professional manner each day and not allow my personal differences to interfere with my work (you can't fire someone because they had an affair with your husband not without litigation after wards) I felt stuck in a catch 22 situation ....I knew she was not a management type of person I had been working on let her go long before the affair but firing her after I was made aware of the affair at one of the semi annual meetings was now out of the question. Needless to say that was the straw that broke the camels back I could deal with the ongoing issues between my children's father and myself regarding the children, I could even deal with the fact that he had an outlet that he enjoyed .... his music, the affair well was something I could not forgive or forget along with the fact that it was someone I knew as well he also was messing with my career. After sometime believe it or not we are now friends .... I look at it as I spent half my life with this man basically I grew up with him yes he hurt me deeply but he was not abusive in the sense that he took drugs or drank, or that he was physically or emotionally abusive, and he did treat my children well. He supported me going back to school and furthering myself when we were together and he was my best friend. Hence the word WAS and that was the part that hurt the most. After our break up we attempted to try to get back together but the trust was gone and it was pointless to put each other through what one goes through when there is a suspisious mind so we opted to remain friends and go our separate ways.

[Catdude]

Mostly just a break down in communication... Stubbornness on both sides to even admit something was wrong... and only realising it when it was too late..

[catchison]

reasons for breakdown

I don't think the list of reasons for breakdown is complete without adultery. It is probably one of the biggies.

[kamkatie]

I voted "other." Main reason my marriage broke up was ex left me for another woman. We had all the other reasons for why things went wrong, but the girlfriend was the reason it finally ended.

[revffof]

It broke down for too many reasons to mention. Summary, I got tired of getting kicked out for a week or two at a time so she could move a new man in and get tired of him. She was abusive and the police would only laugh when I called them. I met some new friends who took me in...and I've never been happier in my life...only 2 things would make me happier...she would get married to someone else, and I could marry my lovely new gf.

[mona_c]

The reasons for my relationship breaking down were a combination of things. One was prescription drug addiction that spanned most of the 12-13 years he and I were together. Another was his fixation on porn, which finally led to me finding about 200 images of child pornography on disks he had. There was sexual, emotional and psychological abuse that again, spanned most of the relationship. It's to the point that the police are involved and are wondering if he drugged me at various points over the years.

On top of that, my husband also felt it necessary to use our then 9 year old son (he's now 10) as a confidante to detail our sex life, including images taken of me, the explanation of sex toys and various other sordid things that no child should know from their parent. My son is now in counselling because of it all.

Infidelity does play it's part, as well. But not in the sense of him finding someone else. For the last few months of the relationship, I was having an affair with someone from my past. He has now moved in with me and is a better, more stable parent to my five children then my husband ever was.

I wish I could say that the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship were cut and dry, but they aren't. It is simply a culmination of everything that finally made me say "Enough is enough". I was the one who cheated, yes. But at the same time, he spent literally years finding ways to break me. He almost succeeded, but the man I am now with helped me find the strength to go to the police after my husband sexually assaulted me for the last time. Since then, he has been the one to help me through all the horrible things we've found while sorting my husband's belongings out and has been the one to help me make sure the kids were protected from all of the horrid things that have been found. If it hadn't been for his return into my life, I am sure I would still be in the thick of it all.

Mona

[sadinottawa]

My husband was extremely controlling from the start.

I was young and naive at the time and he gradually became more and more abusive and manipulative. Isolating me from friends and family. He'd accuse all my friends of hitting on him. Rubbing their breasts on him when I wasn't looking - and I was dumb enough to believe him. He accused my parents of saying "evil" things about me. He injured my mother and called her horrible names.

For the 16years we were married, he has not held the same job for up to a year. He'd get a job and something would happen. He'd say someone insulted him so he quit, or he'd get into an argument with his boss and quit.

He couldn't parent. He never took our kid for any activities, never helped out with homework, or anything. He told our kid so many lies about me and my family all the time.

He'd take women shopping in my car while I'd be working and would lie to me constantly. He was also probably cheating. He'd also use my credit and go shopping.

He had been in 3 previous relationships before me - and 2 of them had ended up with cops being called because he told me the women made him go "crazy". One of these women charged him with assault but later dropped the charges.

Anyway - I chose all the options except the addition. I don't think he is addicted to anything.

I'm surprised that infidelity isn't on the list.

[Stubbs]

My wife decided to quit a well-paying job to pursue a home-based business in a very difficult financial time in our marriage.

Unfortunately, she has very little business sense and is always reckless with money and deep in credit card debt.

Money is like air: It's not a problem until you don't have enough of it.

I finally told her that she had to at least get a part-time job to help keep us afloat...

...and that's where she met a guy who just told me on the phone yesterday that he's in love with her. We're not even separated yet.

So it's a mix of money and infidelity.

[Samantha]

My x husband was verbally abusive, I had an affair and he caught us. I was on my way out, just happened sooner than I planned. Now I am divorced.
My affair has now turned into my future husband, newly engaged, he left his wife (loveless marriage, massive debt).

[Devoted1]

Without posting the detailsof every situation here.No abuse of any kind mental or physical.No money issues.No parenting issues or even personality clashes or fighting.Simply put a lack of proper communication about feelings from both of us due to our rough pasts and bad experiences with others.Very unfortunate and sad since even to this day we have never had any major problems with each other or hate.9 years btw and yes I still love her deeply and always will.In my opinion one of the few marriages that shouldn't of ended!

[cajun50]

marital breakdown

The biggest problem we had was a long standing failure to find a way to disagree comfortably and effectively. My wife liked to control most things and would walk away from any disagreement claiming she did not want to fight. I gave in to her for a long time "to keep peace". She also liked to spend money.

When I was counselled for my depression and chose to become more assertive, my wife decided she could not be married to me anymore. When I repeatedly asked for a reason, she told me (after months of thinking about it) there was no answer.

We attended marital counselling for more than 2/3 of the 29 years of our marriage. My wife preferred the final counsellor (a woman) who convinced her that I was abusive and potentially homicidal and suicidal. Interestingly no other counsellor had come to the same conclusion about me and when I approached them with this shocking news, they told me it was common tactic for feminist counsellors and lawyers. I shared this concern of my wife with her siblings and her parents and my siblings and no one did anything. Our children told me they loved me and were not afraid of me.

It is sad no many marriage counsellors are so unhelpful and some are particularly dangerous and seem to have their own issues. I reported this counsellor to the Canadian Counselling Association who expressed significant concerns about her techniques. The CCA then backed away from discipline when the counsellor appeared with a lawyer and repeatedly appealed all attempts to criticize her.

I stayed in the marriage for many years for religious reasons. Now I am cynical about that logic and feel bitter about the lost years. I also regret the large spousal support i am obliged to pay because " we were married so many years "

[greatmom]

Addiction to gambling. My husband is addicted to gambling as he is not always presence for the kids like educate them or be there for them when they needed him the most. And also, disrespect, lie, and anger. Not a very presence partner as the addiction take all his time.

[jaded?]

I had the pleasure of being married to an addict. It didn't start out that way. I thought we were a normal couple, we didn't fight anymore than a regular couple but something along the way changed for him and he decided to be completely selfish and began doing drugs. Along with that came drinking as well. I've often wondered about the drug thing. As a person who has never taken any sort of drug it baffles me why would someone all of a sudden snort something up their nose, why would you start sticking a needle in your arm?.. Kind of like sword swallowers , how do you figure out you have that ability - why would you want to? I just don't get it...

We've been separated 3 years now and I have begun the divorce. I went to a lawyer because I just couldn't be bothered trying to track him down to serve him.
We almost lost everything and it took me a while to dig myself out financially. He walked away - an addict but walked away none the less.
I am still trying to recover emotionally... that's the hard part... I thought I had dealt with all the anger but it takes a while.

[startingover68]

I have come to believe that love is an ability - Love is a verb. A relationship or marriage will be defined by our actions. You need the appropriate words to suit the actions, but as the saying goes, "He whose wisdom exceeds his deeds, his wisdom will not endure." Real love is only demonstrated and developed through practical actions. Relationships are built on deeds not words.
But being an adult means that you don't act on every feeling. Commitment means digging in your heels even when the going seems tough. Maturity means coping with reality, not descending into fantasy. And not just coping, but looking for ways to rise above the negativity. The majority of us have short fuses. The majority of us are self-centered. The majority of us want the easy way out.
There is no home without trust. There is no home without commitment. Beauty is nice. Pleasure is a good thing [a very good thing J]. Conflict resolution techniques are helpful. But they're not the foundation of a home.
Most people believe that a good marriage is a "happening”, if you marry the “right” person. If you marry the right person, you will have a great relationship. Just as I believe that love is an ability, relationships and ultimately Marriage is a skill. It needs to be worked on daily. Small gestures and cosmic connections all add up to the sum total of a relationship or marriage. How you make your partner feel today is what great marriages are made up of – not just your words, but your actions.
Although I possessed the commitment and loyalty to the relationship, [Commitment means there's no choice. I'm in for the duration. I will finish what I've started], I never really felt appreciated, cared for or “loved”. It got to the point where he placed more value on his wants and needs – his job, his gadgets, his running – and the family was left last. The reciprocation and attention to our needs [responsibilities] were not considered. For a while I was happy for him to be passionate about his outside interests. I wanted him to have independent success and external accolades. His success was my pleasure. But the moment I started to feel that we were not as important to him as those outside interests, I felt I needed to re-establish the relationship bond that had appeared to deteriorate.
In my experience, the partner promoting the other can begin to feel taken for granted and used and worst of all unimportant – last. You start to wonder are you going to have yet another difficult and "heavy" talk about how your relationship is not where you want it to be. The LAST thing you want to do is "ASK" for more love and affection or romance. Besides, asking for more affection or romance makes a man think he's doing something wrong, or that you're criticizing him. Women want their partners to be more affectionate because he really FEELS good about you, not because you lodged a complaint and now he's "stepping up." In my experience, past efforts to get a man to see the problem have led him to getting even MORE distant, or irritated with me. I think that both men and women want the same thing – a partner that makes them feel great both when they are together...AND when they are alone.
So what happened? He used his financial power over me as a control, feeding his disrespect for me (and women in general) as a caretaker for his children to also create psychological and emotional damage to my self esteem...how dare I ask him/tell him anything...
Despite the fact that we had a 50’s kind of relationship (I was at home with our 3 children while he worked and travelled extensively on business) and he was an excellent provider (consistently making between $100 – 200K/yr for the past 10 – 12 years), there was never enough money. My 15 year relationship came to an end unexpectedly the night after I had co-signed to refinance our home (he was the only one on title & mortgage) to pay HIS 50K in credit card debt when he announced that it was over. Throughout our 15 years together I had not purchased any new furniture (I hate to pay full price for anything and believe in recycling), never had a new vehicle (kept a 1982 Cougar on the road for 7.5 yrs and then learned the ‘new’ van was branded & not for re-sale after driving our children in it for nearly 4 yrs), shopped at Zeller’s, Giant Tiger, No Frills & Value Village (second hand charity shop) and went to the hairdressing school to have my hair done. I was the saver & he was the spender, and yet everything was my fault...go figure?