Helping Kids Get Through Divorce/Separation

[LovingFather32]

I thought it might be useful to talk about issues that we may face with our children when it comes to divorce/separation.

How do we talk to our children? How does age affect the things we say or talk about? What you should keep to yourself? How to help with transitions, etc.

Teaching them that it's not their fault is of the utmost importance. Make no mistake .. they are confused. Their way of life has just had an abrupt change which could hinder them socially, cognitively and emotionally if not handled correctly.

How should we handle these issues? "What Happen's Next" is a great source of information.

Please check out the link below.

Help for Kids


I thank GoodMom for PM'ing me with this subsequent link. A very good read:
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/p...ting_Guide.pdf

The above link reiterated many things I learned in my "Parenting After Divorce" course. It's invaluable for any parent going through this. Read it, memorize it and make use of it. They even have direct statements you can say to your child to help.

It has many good ideas, such as:

It’s important for you to tell your children the following

• My feelings for Mom/Dad may have changed, but I still love you and I think that it’s important that you have a relationship with Mom/Dad.
• You didn’t do anything to cause us to separate or divorce. Nobody thinks you did anything wrong.
• It’s normal for you to have feelings about this and I want to know how you’re feeling.
• You don’t need to take care of us. We’re adults and it’s our job to take care of you.
• You don’t need to choose between us. It’s O.K. to love both of us.
• You may hope that we’ll get back together. This is something kids often want. I am going to work with your Mom/Dad to make this as easy on you as possible. If a statement on this list isn’t true in your case, don’t say it. Also, if you’re worried about your

Also, don't use your child as a weapon. This has long lasting, negative effects.

Sometimes when separated parents argue about their children it’s really not about the children at all. Their arguments may really be about things that happened when they were a couple. They may just be trying to control each other through their children. You will need to work to separate your feelings about the other parent from your feelings about your children

Children depend on their parent's to see how they react to social situations. They "social model" them, especially in the early years. Family is the primary microsystem for children. When school starts, peers become the primary microsystem (peers take over parents).

Be mindful of this when showing emotions. Yes it's healthy to show emotions. It's okay to let them know when you are sad. But if they can't see you moving on, they will have a tough time moving on themselves.


Use "I" Statements and avoid "You" statements when communicating with the other parent:

Use “I” statements

You can use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings about an issue. They can help you focus on how you see something rather than on blaming the other parent. “I” statements sound like:

I am really sad because Sarah tells me that she misses me. We are scheduled to have time together on Wednesdays, but now I am often working then. I would like us to work together to find a solution to this.

Avoid “you” statements, which focus on what you think the other parent has done wrong. You won’t let me see Sarah when I want to. “You” statements can make the other parent defensive and make it harder to find solutions.

I wont take up a chunk of cyberspace with quotes from the article GoodMom provided, but it covers many areas (I think almost all). It really is fantastic and deserves a good, thorough read.

For my personal situation (3 year old):

What to watch for in your pre-schooler

• fear of being abandoned by one or both parents
• delays in development or temporary setbacks from milestones already reached (for example, in toileting)
• clingy, emotionally needy behaviour or withdrawal
• increased anger, crying, tantrums, whining
• physical complaints (headaches, stomach aches)

How to help your pre-schooler

• Maintain consistency in their routines and caregivers (as much as possible).
• Tell them "I love you" and show them lots of affection.
• Reassure them that you are not leaving them.
• Help your child identify their feelings and reassure them that their feelings are O.K.
• Give them clear and simple explanations of what is happening, appropriate to their age and stage of development. Children at this age do best when they are given some facts at the beginning, with more information given over time.
• Ask teachers and caregivers to let you know if they notice changes in your child.

Good Advice!!

Hopefully posters can use this thread to pose questions related to their personal experiences with their children. After all, it's all about the kids.

[Beachnana]

Interesting read.

Most of the literature out there focuses on children who were bonded to both parents and then have to deal with the separation. There is a whole different set of issues to deal with when the separation comes at an earlier age under 12 months where children do not have the recognition and bonding firmly in place.

Growing up in a one parent home is a different set of challenges.

[LovingFather32]

There is a whole different set of issues to deal with when the separation comes at an earlier age under 12 months where children do not have the recognition and bonding firmly in place.
.

Infants and Toddlers: Birth to age 2

At this age your child depends on you for their physical and emotional needs. Your child's attachment to caregivers and other significant people in their life is important to their healthy emotional and psychological development.
Infants and toddlers have a limited understanding of their world. They will not understand that you're separating or divorcing. But they will feel it when you're upset or in conflict, and they will react to this. Their early experiences can influence them later in life.
Infants and toddlers need predictable caregiving and routines. They need nurturing and emotional connections with you and other caregivers. Routines may not be exactly the same in each home, but the more predictability there is for children, the easier things will be for them.

What you should watch for in your infant or toddler

• problems with sleeping, eating, toilet training
• delays in development or temporary setbacks from milestones already reached (for example, in development of language skills) clinginess or difficulty in separating from you, or withdrawal from social interaction
• crying, irritability, tantrums

How to help your infant or toddler

• reassure your child that you love them and that you will always take care of them
• ask caregivers to let you know if they notice changes in your child
• introduce any changes to routines as gradually as possible.

I will research this more later. But this was found in one of my links above. Help for Kids. But you're correct. It's a whole new ball game.

Predictability and structure are huge at this age. Which is why status quo carries so much weight at this age.

[LovingFather32]

In my situation I have undergone a parenting course (Parenting after separation) and I continuously research and study the most effective ways of assisting a child during this turbulent time.

D3 has been overanalyzed and questioned by many organizations throughout the slew of false allegations that have been launched. I feel like the onus should be placed on the parents at some point to take a parenting course or become informed themselves to broaden their knowledge-base on this topic.

My Question:

Would it be beneficial for me to send my ex some of this research, tips, strategies (like some of the content above)? Or would that not be good idea?

[arabian]

In Alberta the 'after separation parenting course' is mandatory. Is it not mandatory in Ontario as well? If the course is mandatory I would simply request that she attend this.

If your ex became a born again Christian, and felt that her new-found religion was the end-all in raising children, I'm sure you would be miffed if she started to send you literature. Therefore I would not be inclined to send her literature to read, as it is up to her to self-educate. At the very least I would recommend simply asking her if she would be interested in receiving literature/references from you before you start sending it.

[LovingFather32]

Good idea. I thought it might be kind of condescending to send it. But on the other hand, I didn't want it to seem as if I wasn't offering suggestions for her to be helpful. Asking her if she'd like to receive it solves those issues.

Thanks Arabian.

[LovingFather32]

Great Parenting Plan Tool

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/p..._Plan_Tool.pdf