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  • #76
    LV, that is the difficult part, Mom has the luxury for maximum time with the kids because she has a full 5 days off from work, whereas dad does not have that luxury.

    But this is not about being petty...this is about doing what is best for the child(ren).

    Ultimately mom gets more time if you want to break it down by hours.

    So right or wrong Mom has a luxury Dad does not.

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    • #77
      Lumpy I think a Judge will agree to an agreement that facilitates the best interests of the children, keeping the parties out of court.

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      • #78
        Originally posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
        Lumpy I think a Judge will agree to an agreement that facilitates the best interests of the children, keeping the parties out of court.
        Hopefully, but it is a feeding trough the way our court system is set up. I agree with the Toronto Sun's article that its time to blow up family court. It needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.

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        • #79
          I agree in many ways that changes to the system are neccessary...

          But the "if she changes" is a hard one to agree with. No one can predict what will happen in the future (I know you are going off of her past record of changing whenever the wind blows)... but some people are in a situation where the other parent says that they "will" be setting up their life better for their kids and never do. I think that is why the courts deal with the realities of the current set up rather than the future possibilities. Maybe in your case the history will dictate that this "in case she changes" clause is neccessary.

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          • #80
            It's not a luxury, but rather fact of their employer's current expectation of them concerning hours of work and days off.

            Frame it in your parenting plan, accommodating, Dad's and your own work demands, centered around the child's schedule which will be a Judges emphasis regardless.

            The key here is to compromise and make concessions to settlement and avoid an expensive trial. Both parent's appear to be through the meat grinder already, and it's money that could be used on other necessities the parent's in common require for the kids.

            If anything it shows you are reasonable, and flexible to change concerning the kids as their needs change.

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            • #81
              Well Trial is imminent, irregardless, the date is set and ready to go.

              Ther eare still outstanding issues but we are trying to work with each of them one by one.

              Given what you know LV what would y ou suggest as a workable schedule, that facilitates the child(ren)'s needs?

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              • #82
                My favorite poem in the worl about Children is this......


                Children Learn What They Live

                If a child lives with criticism, he learns to feel discouraged
                If a child lives with hostility, he learns to feel angry
                If a child lives with violence, he learns to feel afraid
                If a child lives with dishonesty, he learns to feel suspicious
                If a child lives with judgement, he learns to feel guilty
                If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel ashamed
                If a child lives with disorder, he learns to feel confused
                If a child lives with disappointment, he learns to feel helpless
                If a child lives with silence, he learns to feel lonely

                BUT

                If a child lives with protection, he learns to feel safe
                If a child lives with honesty, he learns to feel trustful
                If a child lives with peace, he learns to feel calm
                If a child lives with sharing, he learns to feel thankful
                If a child lives with understanding, he learns to feel encouraged
                If a child lives with laughter, he learns to feel happy
                If a child lives with creativity, he learns to feel inspired
                If a child lives with choice, he learns to feel free
                If a child lives with community, he learns to feel supported
                If a child lives with accomplishment, he learns to feel confident
                If a child lives with meaning, he learns to feel fulfilled
                If a child lives with love, he learns to feel tender
                WITH WHAT IS YOUR CHILD LIVING?

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                • #83
                  Trial date is set, but often many go on to Settle the issues or narrowed before reaching that date. Wouldn't it be nice that the parent's entered the court on the first day with a minutes of settlement, by way of Offers to Settle.

                  I don't know the kids involved at the heart of the dispute but common sense tells me, they have current needs and schedule similar to kids or peers of the same age. They go to school, they have appointments and may have extra curricular.

                  I have done the co-parenting split week and also have done the full week on/off. It didn't really make a difference, other than my child appeared happy and thrived with the arrangement and that their parent's weren't bickering. Their needs were attended by either parent and at times both. They have stability and security of both parent's notwithstanding their world as they knew it, fell apart.

                  I also do the rubber stamp alternate weekend, sharing of holidays, concerning my youngest, but with joint custody, despite geographical distance. Again, although I don't spend as much time with this child that I would like, my child is secure in their relationship with both parents and is also thriving.

                  You know the bio moms schedule, you know the Bio's dad schedule and off course you know yours as well as the kids. Work it out in your plan, accommodating everyone because if you leave the choice to a stranger, the reality is a schedule that you are left with may not be to your liking.

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                  • #84
                    LV that is what we would be willing to agree to work around her work schedule because ultimately it gives all 3 adults max time...The fact that I may be able to work by the end of the year may or may not be a factor to the Judge, and technically once I am able to work the daughter will be with mom more than either of us anyways.

                    I am atm a convenience factor.

                    So this is what we are thinking for settlement IF mom goes for it:

                    Working with Mom's Schedule, with the stipulations we set forth, Having SPlit Custody, Dad to have Sole Custody of Son (this has already been in place, but not on paper) Mom and Dad to have Joint of Daughter with Dad to have Final Say, Child Supprt to be set at 100% for 1 child and 50% for other child accrding to table amount and offset of incomes and healthcare.....

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                    • #85
                      Appears reasonable, but bounce it off the Bio Mom and get her take. Be open for minor changes and concessions. Remind them of pending costs award in the thousands on a ordered regime if it takes a "complete stranger" to resolve. Might be the leverage required to obtain settlement before trial.

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                      • #86
                        Thanks LV...we are really trying to be reasonable as much as possible, Yes we both have been emotional, but this has been a hell of a roller coaster ride for us, and this is only one factor in our complicated lives. We still have immigration to deal with and I have situations with my children stateside. The more we can resolve the less we have on our plates....

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                        • #87
                          It's all you can do as parent's is to be reasonable and flexible as change occurs. If you accommodate their request or position as per email, there really isn't anything for them to dispute. Get your accommodating "dated" offer to settle to them asap.

                          I think it's safe to say most of us has been down the road before and the earliest you can resolve a dispute, the better it is for all. In your situation, appears to be bigger fish to catch on the horizon, and maybe topic for discussion for another day.

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                          • #88
                            LOL...smiles

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                            • #89
                              concerned couple,

                              I have read several of you threads and i would like to make a comment.I really hope you do not take this the wrong way.

                              I understand you feel that mom has made poor choices, perhaps she has. But you really need to seperate emotionally from it. It hurts, it sucks, the children suffer, I totally understand this.

                              However, you should sit back at this point and take stock of the situation. Have you been reasonable? Have you been fair? Have you made every attempt to communicate what is in the best interests of the kids? Lastly, how much of this conflict are you contributing to this situation? What exactly do you feel the children stand to gain from their parents going to a lengthly trial other than more conflict in their lives? If it is affecting you negativly just think of how the kids might feel. Have you tried any other options at all? OCL, an assessment, mediation?

                              Do you really want a judge to make these kind of decisions about your family? If you do please take my advice and dis-connect emotionally from her and how she may make you feel.

                              Lastly, have you come up with a rock solid parenting plan? You indicated that your wife and mom could testify on your behalf about all the negative choices she has made etc. Maybe they could contribute to your parenting plan instead and back you up on the positives about what your parenting plan has to offer?

                              Bottom line is the judge is not invested in an emotional aspect of it at all, just what is in the best interests of the kids. I know that is where you heart is as well Take the advice others have given you as well and perhaps seek out other ways to deal with the emotional aspects of all this and do it BEFORE you go into a trial.

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                              • #90
                                Done, done and done, time and again.
                                Tried mediation, tried 4 settlement conferences to no avail, countless attempts at different out of court email settlement. Read books, tug of war, joint custody with a jerk, been to couples apart parents forever, had professional advice (medical/legal). Its all about her and we get that. She does not involve herself in either of their lives unless it immidiately affects her good posture at that moment. But, we are doing okay and making the effort to accomodate a difficult situation. Thanks for all the advice, if it doesn't help us directly, another reader maybe.

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