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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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Old 08-24-2011, 01:24 AM
inseperationhell inseperationhell is offline
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Unhappy Ex not communicating over parenting issues.

We have yet to attend mediation (first meeting is a month away) and a few issues concerning the kids require some decisions to be made now. I have sent an email, plus a follow-up 5 days later asking for a response...still "radio silence".

The issues include:

1) one of the kids requires specialized dental work (totalling over a 1000 after benefits). the sooner this is done, the better. I informed him of the full scoop and have heard back complete silence.

2) kids are in the matrimonial home full time and we are switching on our custodial nights. Wood stove heated and now is the time to order wood for the coming winter. I offered to order, pay for and stack all the wood required. However, asked that he contribute to the cost if he is living in the house 50% of the time. Silence again - if wood does not get ordered soon, the kids will not have heat for the winter.

3) school is starting soon and they need to be enrolled in school daycare program or else I can not work full time. I have asked his permission. As this would cover his custodial days as well, I have asked if he will contribute to the cost. Silence again.....

How would you proceed in this situation? I am trying to be amicable and not involve lawyers whenever possible however I don't want to be screwed making unilateral decisions for the kids and left holding all the expenses.
Old 08-24-2011, 03:23 AM
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Gary M Gary M is offline
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Forgive me if you've answered in other posts, but what is the "split" of parenting time? 50/50? 70/30?

This will help answer some of your questions.


Old 08-24-2011, 10:48 AM
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wretchedotis wretchedotis is offline
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These sound like things that need be done.
So do them.
I understand you my be hesitant - but divorce/sepertion does not mean the rest of life stands still.
You will need heat whether he pays or not, right?
So order the wood. And afterwards if he won't share in costs for his children and accomodation - well I guess court will figure it out for you.

Those kind of avoidance games are very common. What can you do, except move forward when you're bring ignored? Life doesn't just stop cuz someone is being an ass.
Old 08-24-2011, 01:22 PM
ddol1 ddol1 is offline
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this hits home - I am there now. So what if the accounts were cleared or silence - and the person being responsable just doesn't have the money. You can't what you can't pay for........

For me - or us the majority of our assets is THE HOUSE! can't eat with that. Can't sell it either - remember it takes two if there are two names on the deed. Lucky? we both have about 8k in our respective TFSA accounts - The lawyers want 2-4K to put a little sticky on the file folder with your name on it and as it quickly gets depleted the day it stops you are alone. I have some pretty hefty med bills every month (over half my Disability) so like for many years my wife holds the strings financially - she can pull my benefits any day she wants. Will the court make it even at the end - maybe. between now and then is a very long and possibly "cold" time. Now as I learn - and this can go on for years!!!!

So with interest from many out there I would think - does anyone out there have good choices or steps to work through a spouse who won't pay up????? (To get a temp deal going so the kids do have a home to stay?)
Old 08-24-2011, 05:47 PM
MommaMouse MommaMouse is offline
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If money is an issue order only what you need to get you through the first half of winter, let him know that he is responsible for the second half of winter (that gives you time to get somewhere in mediation) As for dental work get it done and have it put on an accuount he can pay his half off straight to the dentist, this is his responsibility too. As for the Child care, maybe you can pay for September and have him pay for October. Again that will get you through to mediation and you aren't asking him to give you money directly. Write him a letter explaining what you want him to pay for. Sign it and keep a copy. I'm not going to assume to understand why he isn't responding but if you put up a fraction of the costs to keep your life rolling eventually he will pay his share.
Old 08-24-2011, 11:32 PM
inseperationhell inseperationhell is offline
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Gary - there is no seperation agreement in place yet. Through email corresponsence, we have agreed to a 50/50 split in custody for the time being. However, he keeps giving up nights here and there or full weekends (i.e. this coming weekend was his but he asked me to keep the kids until Sunday night). In actuality, although he has been offered a full 50%, I have actually had the kids 65% of the time since April. No CS or anything being paid right now because mediation has not happened - I am currently covering 95% of all expenses for the children and the house. He makes less than I do and I realize that I should pay a higher portion - I just can't afford 95% or 100% of everything.
Old 08-27-2011, 10:28 PM
inseperationhell inseperationhell is offline
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Ok, had to go the lawyer route - did not hear anything for 9 days now from him, still radio silence.

The wood will be ordered, I will pay, let the lawyers figure it out. I am being the responsible parent doing this.
I have been told to put them in daycare, I have informed him and he will owe a percentage based on his income vs mine - I am good with that.

BUT - I am confused about the dental work. My lawyer told me to sit tight and do not do anything (i.e. do not make an appointment). Until we get an agreement signed, he has defacto 50% custody and should have a say in the decision. If I go ahead, I might owe the full bill plus it may hurt my case in mediation etc. because I made a unilateral decision. WTF???? If a child needs specialized care which is in the best interests of the child's health and a parent is informed and refuses to communicate or give consent, isn't that a sign of poor parenting? Why would it hurt me in custody arrangements if I make a decision for the best interests of my child after informing my ex and trying to involve my ex in the decision making process?
Old 08-29-2011, 10:36 PM
gumby gumby is offline
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Do the negative billing email. "If I don't hear from you by xxx I will assume you (agree/disagree)." When you go to court, I don't think a judge will be impressed by his "radio silence" especially if he wants 50/50. He has to be willing to communicate.
Look at it this way - if the house is unheated, the kids will suffer (and so will he if he lives there half the time). It will look better on you and be the right thing to do to just order the damn wood. Try and get a cheap deal on it. My ex trys to "break" me this way (financially) and the harder he tries, the more resourceful I get. In fact I have gotten more free/cheap stuff this year than ever before! Karma, maybe?
As for the dentist, if the kids don't go, it is bad parenting (or worse, abuse if they have a bad cavity untreated). Again, the right thing to do is just go. Explain the situation to the dentist, get someone to help out with the bill, go to a college hygiene clinic.
Don't "ask" him because he is waiting for you to do that. Why isn't HE asking you to help HIM pay the kid's dental bill? Because he ain't taking them. Take them and then ask the judge for the money.
Old 08-31-2011, 09:43 AM
anotherSTEPmother anotherSTEPmother is offline
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Just a word to the wise, I would seek a motion to attempt to force communication.

Parents who cannot communicate cannot have joint or shared custody. THUS the radio silence for an extended period of time with establish the status quo that you are unable to communicate with ex, killing any hope you will ever have for joint custody,

your ex is likely making these decisions without you, don't let it continue!!!
Old 08-31-2011, 11:20 AM
first timer first timer is offline
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I use this sentence alot: If you fail to respond on or by "such and such a date", permission to "do such and such", will be assumed by default.
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