Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 10-27-2009, 11:41 AM
billiechic billiechic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Vaughan
Posts: 2,371
billiechic is on a distinguished road
Default How do you know if it's over? second chance?

STBX and I have been separated since August. He desperately wants a second chance and is getting help for his controlling and abusiveness. I can see a change in him, he is working hard but I don't know what I want.

I can see my future without him, but only the next year or so. The future where we are together is cloudy. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I still feel nervous and anxious when I am near him. When I talk to him it feels like I want to give him a chance, but as soon as I hang up the phone I find I am not so sure.

He doesn't want to go back to the old ways, he wants to start over by dating etc. I don't feel emotionally ready to do that yet. How do I know what I really want and need? It's been so long since I've gotten to choose what I want that I don't know how to decide. Seriously.
  #2  
Old 10-27-2009, 12:18 PM
canniiee canniiee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
canniiee is on a distinguished road
Default

Don't do it. You don't sound sure. My ex wanted to stay with me and try, try, try, but I wasn't 100% into it. You don't sound like it either. That's great if he wants to try but what if he just gets back into old habbits, yes you see a change now, but it could all go back to the way it was.

Find happiness yourself, and in turn maybe down the road you could get back together, but for now you should work on YOU.
  #3  
Old 10-27-2009, 12:39 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Vaughan
Posts: 2,371
billiechic is on a distinguished road
Default

I've told him I need to work on myself first. I feel so horrible about myself and I have for some time. He says he understands and he wants to support me and be there for me (something he never did before), but I am resentful of him. Resentful that he has been able to change, he is happy with himself, while I am feeling so awful. I mean he was the one being emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I have already suffered and now I am suffering still, while he gets to be happy and forgive himself.

I guess he is pushing for a reconciliation, and he is fine with taking it slow. I just don't know if I am ready to start on that yet, and who knows if I ever will be. He has promised to change before and failed, but this time he really is making all the effort and I sort of feel like I owe it to him. But I know that I owe myself happiness too.

God this sucks!!
  #4  
Old 10-27-2009, 12:55 PM
canniiee canniiee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
canniiee is on a distinguished road
Default

aww I know its hard! but you don't owe him anything! Take it from someone who was in a crap relationship, and is now is a HAPPY healthy relationship, its worth it to work on yourself! Had I not taken me time I would never have been able to get it together and become a better person and Mom. Yeah sure he wants to take it slow, but when you've already been in a relationship with that person once, it rarely goes slow.... I know its hard, maybe even lonely but reconnect with old friends (this is why facebook is so great) get out and do new things, spend time with family, just keep busy and get to a good place yourself and then MAYBE once you are recovered you can TRy, but you may not even want to at that point. Life is TOO SHORT to be unhappy, make the most of it!
  #5  
Old 10-27-2009, 03:01 PM
wretchedotis's Avatar
wretchedotis wretchedotis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: ON
Posts: 2,317
wretchedotis is on a distinguished road
Default

I'm a little out of my element here. I would like to point out something you said though - that 'you feel you owe it to him'.

You do not owe him anything. Put that idea away.
  #6  
Old 10-27-2009, 03:28 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Vaughan
Posts: 2,371
billiechic is on a distinguished road
Default

I know, the "owing it to him part" sounds wrong to me too. I have always been the kind of person to do anything and everything for those I care for. I have always sacrificed my own happiness for his and it's so hard not to automatically do it.

You are both right. And I know it. Anyone want to tell him??
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Best Interests of Children: An Evidence- Based Approach WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 13 01-12-2013 08:15 PM
Mobility/contempt jennifercatharine Divorce & Family Law 22 05-09-2010 04:33 AM
I can't get rid of this woman Shrek Divorce & Family Law 54 11-11-2009 03:35 PM
Men get 'screwed' typically? hubby Divorce & Family Law 25 12-13-2005 11:44 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:07 AM.