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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 01-05-2019, 11:51 PM
Ange71727 Ange71727 is offline
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Default Communication by email

I am looking for an objective opinion here so I know if I am being petty or not.

My exs live in girlfriend has never been easy to deal with. She is extremely controlling and goes out of her way to oppose me, and is manipulative with my two kids. Some examples:
Crying actual tears in front of them and saying your mom is treating me badly (I dont even talk to her)

Telling them your mom has you under a magic spell when they have been defensive about me at her house


Frequently not letting them text or FaceTime me (taking phone out of their hands when theyre communicating with me)

Etc.

The general consensus with the kids is that she is usually nice to them, but they hate that she talks negatively about me and puts me down. It stresses them out and they come home with new stories every time theyve been at his house.

Here is my problem: recently my ex informed me that I was no longer allowed to email him via his personal email account he has used for over ten years. Instead he informed me that I was to use a new email which is a joint email between himself and his girlfriend. The email label says their two names and the address is actually a combination of their names in a gmail account.
When I told my lawyer about it he said I absolutely didnt have to use that email as my business is with my ex and not her. The same thing occurred previously during litigation when my lawyer had to instruct his lawyer that documents written by his girlfriend were inappropriate. Thats sort of how I feel about the email address but I will likely cause a fight if I oppose it.
Would I be petty to tell my ex that I am not going to communicate via a joint email account with his girlfriend?


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  #2  
Old 01-06-2019, 02:17 AM
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The-Iceberg The-Iceberg is offline
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Who don't you just kick her ass

My ex once had a crazy bf who was really controlling. That included joint email account. I did it only to avoid fight which at that time I would have an uphill battle.

Now I wouldn't. Even though she can use his email as well and send you messages it should be clear that the emails came from his account. In case he (or she) writes something bad or continuously writes some bs, you can keep the record of it and he cannot say that his gf sent it.


I would write: Dear nut job. Thank you for your offer but it is illogical and not in the best interest of our children. It is you and I who make decisions and communicate about our children and no one else. Therefore the only email I can send to you is your own email. That's my final decision. So long
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  #3  
Old 01-06-2019, 09:15 AM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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My ex has a joint email with his and his gfs name in it. Actually she uses his last name and they arent even married yet. Prior to his live in gf/fianc my ex never used email. It was text or in person. Now all communication is demanded it be via this email.

She composes the emails for sure. My son came home and asked if I got email from daddy? As he said he watched her compose email to me and told his dad to come over and hit send. Lol.

She sometimes even signs it from both of them.

So sadly this isnt unusual that controlling Gfs take over their mans life. Including telling him how to parent with his ex. I have been told there is nothing I can do about it.

If we go to trial... my lawyer says he will cross examine my ex as to what some of the emails say... or what they were about... as we are pretty sure he has no clue what she is writing.




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Old 01-06-2019, 11:28 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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This is pretty simple and basically involves you being firm.

Your response is this: gf is not a party to the matter or the childrens parent. My communications regarding the kids will continue to be sent to your email only. The onus is on you to check it and I will not be responding to any communication from a shared mailbox.

Then you follow through.

You can also advise your kids that they should be either ignoring her or saying please dont speak about my mother and walk away.

I learned a really great trick years ago where you stand and look at the person with a blank face and say nothing until they get so uncomfortable they walk away. It worked really well for me with an abusive boss. She didnt know what to do and would leave me alone for a few days.

At this point your ex has continued animosity toward you and his new partner is the same. They will do this to get a rise out of you. If they know it doesnt bother you or the kids then it will stop.
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Old 01-06-2019, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Ange71727 View Post
When I told my lawyer about it he said I absolutely didnt have to use that email as my business is with my ex and not her.
Your lawyer is not correct and it is bad advice. Your lawyer is giving you negative advocate advice to increase your legal bill. The reality is that if you want to run up your legal bill with your lawyer take this advice.

The other advice that a rational person who doesn't profit from you is to just move forward, use the email address.

The reality is that the other parent is paying you a courtesy by advising you that the email account is shared. What stops them from giving their new partner the password to their existing account and not even telling you? Does it really make a difference? Ultimately if the other parent delegates their parental responsibilities to this person there is NOTHING you can do.

You can complain about it but, it makes you look bad. Especially if the other parent's partner makes good decisions etc... Don't fight back.

BIFF it.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/
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Old 01-06-2019, 11:54 AM
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Your response is this: gf is not a party to the matter or the childrens parent. My communications regarding the kids will continue to be sent to your email only. The onus is on you to check it and I will not be responding to any communication from a shared mailbox.
Pot meet kettle.

Rockscan you are super involved in your own partner's affairs. No doubt you have read and probably ghostwritten hundreds (if not thousands) of messages.

Just saying...
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Old 01-06-2019, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
So sadly this isnt unusual that controlling Gfs take over their mans life. Including telling him how to parent with his ex. I have been told there is nothing I can do about it.
Correct. There is nothing you can do about it.
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Old 01-06-2019, 12:39 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Pot meet kettle.



Rockscan you are super involved in your own partner's affairs. No doubt you have read and probably ghostwritten hundreds (if not thousands) of messages.



Just saying...


Actually I dont involve myself like that. He writes his own correspondence. IF I have a comment it is more to suggest a non aggressive or confrontational tone. He shares with me what was said but more to tell me how he is feeling. My response is to remind him to be assertive and not let them get to him. Depending on his mood about the situation he doesnt always follow my advice about argumentative language. I would never email his ex or have a joint account with him. I didnt even want to be in the courtroom this past fall as a way of demonstrating that this is between the two of them. Theres a big difference.

Oh and I do the calculations and research case law. He gets confused with that stuff.

If his ex even thought about emailing me my answer would be I am not a party to this matter or a parent to your children, please leave me out of it.

While I normally agree with your advise Tayken, in this instance I firmly believe that Ange and Mom2two are correct in saying no to their exs. There are many new partners out there who feel they should interfere in a battle that is only that way because of their involvement.
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Old 01-06-2019, 12:59 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
Actually I dont involve myself like that. He writes his own correspondence. IF I have a comment it is more to suggest a non aggressive or confrontational tone. He shares with me what was said but more to tell me how he is feeling. My response is to remind him to be assertive and not let them get to him. Depending on his mood about the situation he doesnt always follow my advice about argumentative language. I would never email his ex or have a joint account with him. I didnt even want to be in the courtroom this past fall as a way of demonstrating that this is between the two of them. Theres a big difference.

Oh and I do the calculations and research case law. He gets confused with that stuff.

If his ex even thought about emailing me my answer would be I am not a party to this matter or a parent to your children, please leave me out of it.

While I normally agree with your advise Tayken, in this instance I firmly believe that Ange and Mom2two are correct in saying no to their exs. There are many new partners out there who feel they should interfere in a battle that is only that way because of their involvement.


Exactly Rockscan!! I reached out to my exs partner at the bringing to try to get on the same page as them both and saw her as helping at first. But once plans were made for them to move in together her true colours came out. And sadly they were shown to me by what my kids were coming home upset about. I tried to work with them ask for family counselling and mediation to all get this sorted out first. Like you say. You cant reason with unreasonable people. She has marked her territory and now if fighting a battle she doesnt realize is only hurting her soon to be step children. I realized I cant make my ex be a good dad... hopefully some day she will realize she cant do it for him either.

If my exs gfs communications were helpful, respectful and solution based I wouldnt care who was composing the emails. Its when they come back accusatory and conflict causing and blaming and twisting that it needs to be dealt with in another manner


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  #10  
Old 01-06-2019, 01:58 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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You can say No all you want, but you cant control the personalities of the new partners, regardless of which email is used.

If a step-parent wants to be involved imo you cant stop them. There are too many ways around it i.e. they can compose the emails under the parents name. Maybe the bio parent wants to delegate some or all of their responsibilities to their new partners, you cant control how they parent in their own homes. My ex delegates most of his parenting to his stay at home partner. The only thing from what I understand you can do is have a right of first refusal.

I see the courts on Canli ordering parents not to speak negatively about the other, but how can that be enforced?
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