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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 01-09-2020, 09:40 AM
mom2boys mom2boys is offline
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Default 50/50, Parental Alienation, Emotional Abuse

Hello,

I want to start by saying I appreciate this forum and have been reading for a while in hopes that I could find a similar story to mine.

I have two young boys, been separated (now divorced) for 2.5 years and have a signed separation agreement that includes joint custody and the boys being under my care, approximately 65% of the time. Ex has every other weekend, one weeknight one week and two the following week. In our separation agreement, it stated we would revisit the idea of 50/50 if he could handle the current agreement since, at the time, he was barely doing that.

Since signing the separation agreement almost two years ago, I could give hundreds of examples of emotional abuse and parental alienation. As well my ex has had numerous vacations that cause him to give up his time and rarely ever asks for the time made up. To give some light on the situation, a few examples include:
- giving me the middle finger in front of the kids and asking them to as well (I took my son to a local community therapist where he articulated this and drew a picture)
- refusing therapy for the boys because he states "he has boys, not girls" (I have the email)
- made it very difficult to get his consent for allowing me to take the boys on a trip because he states "he does not want his blood around my father" (I have the email)
- he continues to communicate his dislike for me, my dad, my brother and my boyfriend to the boys
- recently he told them if they cannot behave at one of his sporting events he took them to (school night starting at 8 pm) they are never allowed to go to his house again
- And so many more examples...

I have been very reasonable and never have I disrespected him in any way, all my communication with him has been through email, and I have kept it very polite and straightforward.

We are currently waiting for mediation to resolve his request for the two additional nights a month, so the access is 50/50, and he can lower his support payments.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience with any of this? How likely will they change the schedule to allow him the extra time? My entire body says any more time with him is not beneficial to the boys. I know they love him, and I know they like going to his house, which I'm not discouraging, but for their overall health and mental wellness, I would prefer just one weeknight and every other weekend.

I also think it would be beneficial if I could get final decision making because everything is a battle with him. How likely would a judge make this decision based on emotional abuse?

Thank you!
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Old 01-09-2020, 10:03 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Your ex is simply an asshole and it sounds more like he is targeting you for some reason. Based on your question about child support I have a feeling that is the reason for his animosity.

While he doesnt have a good way of articulating his objections to things, nothing in there says he is not worthy of an additional few days. Perhaps if he was not denied time and reduced his cs he may be more inclined to be reasonable or at least a better co-parent.

Thats not to say that I dont believe you. He sounds like a jerk but hes a jerk to you not so much the kids.
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Old 01-09-2020, 04:56 PM
mom2boys mom2boys is offline
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Thank you for replying.

I agree with everything you are saying, but his actions (being a jerk) does affect the kids. I would love to be able to go to 50/50, but then I feel like I am accepting the abuse, not to mention it will increase our need to communicate on expenses since right now, I take care of everything.

My biggest question is how likely would a judge change our schedule or for me to get final decision making.
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Old 01-09-2020, 05:24 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Sorry to say this and I know its not the answer you want to hear, but the things you have stated are not reasons to deny 50/50. Denying 50/50 would be due to incredible distance between your 2 locations, or if he physically harms them, or endangers them by being on drugs during his time with them. He is being a jerk to you, not the kids. If anything, you should want 50/50 where exchanges are done at school so you actually never see eachother. Problem solved.
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Old 01-10-2020, 10:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
Sorry to say this and I know its not the answer you want to hear, but the things you have stated are not reasons to deny 50/50. Denying 50/50 would be due to incredible distance between your 2 locations, or if he physically harms them, or endangers them by being on drugs during his time with them. He is being a jerk to you, not the kids. If anything, you should want 50/50 where exchanges are done at school so you actually never see eachother. Problem solved.
In addition to this point... If you want this nonsense to end then move to full joint custody and equal access. Generally, you don't get this nonsense with proper 50-50 arrangements. When one parent has more time with the children this kind of conflict is created.
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Old 01-11-2020, 09:56 PM
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Janus Janus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2boys View Post
We are currently waiting for mediation to resolve his request for the two additional nights a month, so the access is 50/50, and he can lower his support payments.
Sure, but you are resisting 50/50 so that you can continue to receive his support payments.

That said, he did give you the finger. That's some pretty hard core alienation behaviour right there.
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Old 01-13-2020, 11:37 AM
mom2boys mom2boys is offline
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Thank you for everyone's feedback!

I am going to continue to work towards getting to 50/50 without compromising my values. I have been subjected to his abuse for a long time and all I want is his consent for art/play therapy for our kids so they do not suffer the same way I did.
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Old 09-13-2020, 11:29 AM
LovetoDance LovetoDance is offline
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My ex is an alcoholic. It was well documented that he assaulted his new wife while drunk with the kids in the house. He still got 50/50, I was told the children should have a safety plan on what to do if their father was drunk. It seemed unbelievable to me at the time. From this I gather that it's very difficult to stop a parent from getting 50/50. After a few years, I've realized that although it's not the childhood I would have chosen for them, they do need to spend time with their father and get to know him warts and all.
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Old 09-13-2020, 02:06 PM
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I disagree with those above that he should get 50/50. Keep documenting what is happening. Boys tend to bond with their fathers and it sounds like there is some toxic masculinity being thrown in there to keep things lively. More time with the father will result in them being more likely to disrespect/abuse you as he is doing as it becomes normalised with more time spent with him. Since you believe he is motivated by money, can you offer him a reduction in child support without increased access? Can you suggest a changed access schedule that limits your contact (exchanges via school are good for this).

It is great that you have been bringing the boys to therapy, are you getting it yourself? You really need someone on your side that gets these dynamics. If you want the name of a few good, reasonably priced, Skype therapists I can dm them.

Judges are a crapshoot - you could get a decent one with emotional intelligence that will actually look out for the boys, or you could get one that believes a parent’s “right” of access trumps a child’s right to have positive parenting (for many judges the parenting bar is disappointingly low). A mediated agreement is your best bet, so hold your ground in mediation and give up the unimportant stuff (table child support) in exchange for access he will most likely not keep up once he gets the lowered child support (school night parenting time which is work/responsibilities vs the Disneyland dad weekend parenting that is more fun).
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Old 09-14-2020, 02:57 PM
pinkHouses pinkHouses is offline
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"I am going to continue to work towards getting to 50/50 without compromising my values."

On the surface that sounds like you are not working towards 50/50 at all.
Your values are not your ex's values.

"I have been very reasonable and never have I disrespected him in any way"
My guess is that you filed against him and no one knows went on in your marriage. My guess is that you demanded 1 weeknight and every other weekend, he didn't volunteer for that did he.
There are many other things that are deemed disrespectful, that we may not be hearing.

Only you and him know what your situation is but very often one parent is can be doing wrong to the other parent while crying victim at the same time. The other parent feels victimized financially and devalued as a person.

If you are not working full-time that will create bitterness. If you displaced him from the house, that bitterness is not going away, huge spousal support...

Why will you not allow him 50/50? How about 50/50 with conditions that promote active parenting by both?
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