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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 09-11-2012, 03:56 PM
frustratedwithex frustratedwithex is offline
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If you care enough to post this question, I think you are concerned for your friend.

Friendship is for good times and bad times. This is not a good time for your friend. Trying to help him right now is going to be a sticky situation and may at times be outright icky and difficult. You will most likely feel like you are banging your head against the wall. I encourage you to stick by your friend.

It sounds like he is in an abusive relationship. He is most likely under his partners F.O.G., (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). You don't know why he is accepting this situation. What is his partner telling him? This is all he deserves? He won't do better than this? His friends and family think the same as him, and thats why nobody is saying anything? Or as Mess said maybe he just likes it. If he appears depressed, I would guess he doesn't like it. He just doesn't know how to stop it.

The thing about abuse, is the abuser is able to get you to believe their perception of reality. And you accept it as truth. It may be a slow process to get your friend to believe you.

Friends slowly disappear during an abusive relationship, the abuser uses this to further abuse the victim, and the victim becomes more hopeless and isolated as time goes on.

Talk to him about it slowly, forcefully, and sometimes not at all, but talk to him about it. Let him know you will help him when he is ready. As his friend, I think you should also be able to tell him its okay to leave.
Old 09-11-2012, 04:13 PM
FB_ FB_ is offline
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It took me 14 months to be broken from the FOG. Then I relapsed again 3 more times which were all very short only days in duration. You get glimpses of sunlight and then the FOG overtakes again. It's amazing the lengths they will go to convince you they have changed. I had several friends stick by me and it was very important to me looking back. At the time I thought they were being rude, difficult, jerks, etc. Be prepared for your friend to get angry with you. It's not an easy process. Looking back it amazes me how stupid I could have been. The signs were all there but I just couldn't see them for many reasons.

Hope this helps a little.

Edit: If your friend does not want the help there is NO way to help them. For me I started talking to friends about what I was going through. This is when I started to see what was happening (as they told me what was happening) If your friend is not talking to you or somebody about it they are probably not ready. You may be able to start asking questions (how are you feeling? I noticed you've been XXXXXX lately, is there anything you want to talk about) to see if you can determine if they are already thinking about it. They probably are but are afraid to talk about it. My BEST friend was one of the last people I talked to about it because I was worried that if we did fix it and I had told him it would be harder to repair any damage.
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