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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 01-22-2015, 02:19 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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^^^ Good advice. It seems you are intimitdated by your ex and he knows it.

Firstly only communicate by email. Tell your ex by email or letter through lawyer that you will only communicate through either a communication book, email or legal counsel.mdo not respond to any texts or information sent through your son. A simpel email " oh you did not email me that information" will soon stop him sending messages through the child.

Secondly stop responding to all his demands. Often asimple NO is all that is needed. On your time its not necessary to justify anything you do.

These events he signs your son up for, are they things that you can attend with your son? If so maybe you can do so. If not, then just ignore them. A shrug of the shoulders will drive your ex crazy.

He is only doing these things to show you he can control you. Do not let him.

You could contact the school that your ex thinks he will register your son in and inform them that you have joint shared custody and you do not agree to registering him in that school and he will remain in his current school.

Your ex sounds like a bully and the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. The best way to do that is to ignore most of what he says. Next .christmas do not try and make any arrangements. Stick with week off and on and what comes around goes around. Christmas can be celebrated anytime

Last edited by Beachnana; 01-22-2015 at 02:23 PM. Reason: Spelling
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  #12  
Old 01-22-2015, 02:20 PM
momofonegreatboy momofonegreatboy is offline
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Thanks you HammerDad. Can you advise on "other ways to solve this"?


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  #13  
Old 01-22-2015, 02:30 PM
momofonegreatboy momofonegreatboy is offline
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Thanks. My lawyer (no longer retained) has sent numerous letters. One indicating to communicate via log book or via his fianc. The communication log book I wrote in and sent with son never returned. He chose to only communicate through my lawyer which cost me (see previous posts)

I've tried to say no and ignore however such things as planning the team's Lacrosse end of year party at his house (on my weekend) without even consulting me to see if we had plans, is something I've had to give in to. He knows I wouldn't attend and pushes me in a corner. This is only one of the many things I feel is wrong and jeopardizing a healthy co-parenting relationship. What do you do with bullying ex's? I feel he won't attend mediation because he will have no control.


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  #14  
Old 01-22-2015, 03:03 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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Now what would he had done, if you had dressed yourself up to look fabulous Mom and walked right in with all the other parents. You said yourself he knew you would not go, so he won. You need to stop being the victim and start being strong for yourself.

I can only guess its hard, but you need to do this once or twice and he will start to think about things. Or you will have so much fun at his expense you will not have a problem with it.


Having sole will not change him for being a jerk. But your son will figure this out all for himself soon enough. Never stoop to his level and always remain positive. Be proud and fearless as his parent and never don't go because your ex is controllong you. Thats likely one of the reasons why you left him no doubt.
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  #15  
Old 01-22-2015, 03:22 PM
momofonegreatboy momofonegreatboy is offline
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Thank you Beachnana. I appreciate this a lot.


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  #16  
Old 01-22-2015, 03:41 PM
stripes stripes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachnana View Post
Now what would he had done, if you had dressed yourself up to look fabulous Mom and walked right in with all the other parents. You said yourself he knew you would not go, so he won. You need to stop being the victim and start being strong for yourself.

I can only guess its hard, but you need to do this once or twice and he will start to think about things. Or you will have so much fun at his expense you will not have a problem with it.


Having sole will not change him for being a jerk. But your son will figure this out all for himself soon enough. Never stoop to his level and always remain positive. Be proud and fearless as his parent and never don't go because your ex is controllong you. Thats likely one of the reasons why you left him no doubt.
^^ This is good advice. Jerks like this are only as strong as their victims' weakness. If you assert yourself a few times (like going to the Lacrosse party (even though it's at his house) because it's your weekend, you may find his behavior changes. We teach our exes how to treat us - once they learn that we won't be intimidated, they may switch tactics. I have experienced this myself directly. (Of course, the first few times that you assert yourself you may find you want to throw up from anxiety, but it will be worth it in the end. Be proud of yourself for moving on, and let that pride show).

This advice may not work with someone who has a genuine personality disorder, but those are in the minority. Most aggressive idiots are just idiots, but trainable idiots.
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  #17  
Old 01-23-2015, 10:50 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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The "other solutions" I mentioned generally relate to what was mentioned above.

Communication books are garbage. I had one with my ex and found it to be a) one sided and b) uninformative. Should there be an event/activity relating to the child, you use email to communicate it. It leaves a paper trail that you can access at a later date. Create a folder for the child that you save all the emails into. Also, when you email your ex keep your emotions out of it. Email them as if you were emailing your boss or a judge themselves. They don't care how you feel, and showing them you are upset may only get them off. Keep the emails short, factual and child focused.

Saying things isn't the same as doing things. You say you've heard that the ex wants to change the child's school. Should you hear that again, send a simple email stating you heard the comment and that you don't believe changing schools is in the child's best interests. The child is thriving at their current school and has a large friend base. As such you don't consent to changing the child's school. If/when the ex comes back with all kinds of venom and bile, ignore it. Put it in the stupid box (aka a subfolder you've created simply for those rants). You only respond to things that need a response, like if he asks a question about the child's schedule or health etc. You don't respond to the ex calling you names etc. Don't allow yourself to getting dragged into a game of crazy.

Should the ex plan an event on the child's weekend, you do what you can to accommodate, but send the email I suggested in my last post. If you can't accommodate because you've made other plans of equal importance, tough luck for the ex. You will have to explain to the kid that the ex should've run it by you first and it is their fault for double booking the child as it wasn't their parenting time.

For the event, you have five choices. 1) You can go with the child, as it is your parenting time as suggested above. It is ballsy and could put a chill in the air, but that isn't your concern. 2) you tell the ex that it is your parenting time, as such you will allow the child to attend for 2-4 (or whatever), but after that you will be there to pick the child up to continue your parenting time (this allows the child to attend, but also shows you are setting boundaries on the timing). 3) You let the kid for however length of time and don't attend (essentially be a doormat). 4) you don't allow the child to attend at all and explain to the ex that if they want the child to attend something they have planned, they need to make the plans during their parenting time. 5) you swap weekends with the ex so the child attends, but you don't lose any parenting time.

Personally, I go with number 5 followed by 4, followed by 2. Why? You need to set boundaries regarding your parenting time, that your parenting time must be respected. That you are willing to be amicable and make certain accommodations, but only if they are willing to be amicable in return. Swapping may not be ideal, especially in every circumstance, but it is best and shows that each of you are willing to be reasonable. I do suggest that if you do swap, you try to do that you get your extra time first. It is just better.

But set boundaries on your parenting time. Be reasonable where you can and communicate via email. I've being doing that for years. It wasn't always easy, there were times I did get dragged into the craziness, but over time my relationship with my ex has drastically improved. We know each others boundaries and respect them. You have to make your ex respect yours.
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  #18  
Old 01-23-2015, 06:59 PM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
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Without attacking you or guessing at your motives, I can personally understand why seeking sole custody would seem like a solution to your situation.

I recently submitted a request in court motion that I have Sole Custody and that we share time with our young son on a 50/50.

I am also dealing with a high conflict ex who is determined to alienate, undermine and marginalize me as my son's father and has done so since before he was even born.

My reason for requesting Sole Custody with 50/50 parenting time is that my ex has rejected many offers of joint custody and fought tooth and nail to shut me down whenever I request more access every time, repeatedly making up ridiculous and malicious false allegations that I have abused her and am abusing my son in some way.

At court we reached an agreement that gave me significantly more access time with my son including overnights and the issue of custody was put over until the spring.

My goal in requesting me having Sole Custody with 50/50 time was to stabilize my son's life in a constructive and structured way while allowing him to maintain maximum contact with each parent as long as his mother and I can work together.

Between the judges comments and my own documents, my ex is coming around to the reality that if she doesn't come to the table and attempt to co-parent that I will seek Sole Custody of my son.

From my first application forward I had been asking for Joint Custody but since my ex has demonstrated she is unwilling to negotiate or even be reasonable over the last 18 months, I have realized that Sole Custody may be the only way to protect my son.
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  #19  
Old 01-23-2015, 08:38 PM
Beachnana Beachnana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoungDad23 View Post
Without attacking you or guessing at your motives, I can personally understand why seeking sole custody would seem like a solution to your situation.

I recently submitted a request in court motion that I have Sole Custody and that we share time with our young son on a 50/50.

I am also dealing with a high conflict ex who is determined to alienate, undermine and marginalize me as my son's father and has done so since before he was even born.

My reason for requesting Sole Custody with 50/50 parenting time is that my ex has rejected many offers of joint custody and fought tooth and nail to shut me down whenever I request more access every time, repeatedly making up ridiculous and malicious false allegations that I have abused her and am abusing my son in some way.

At court we reached an agreement that gave me significantly more access time with my son including overnights and the issue of custody was put over until the spring.

My goal in requesting me having Sole Custody with 50/50 time was to stabilize my son's life in a constructive and structured way while allowing him to maintain maximum contact with each parent as long as his mother and I can work together.

Between the judges comments and my own documents, my ex is coming around to the reality that if she doesn't come to the table and attempt to co-parent that I will seek Sole Custody of my son.

From my first application forward I had been asking for Joint Custody but since my ex has demonstrated she is unwilling to negotiate or even be reasonable over the last 18 months, I have realized that Sole Custody may be the only way to protect my son.
Perhaps you are unaware of your use of certain words in this post, but you should be careful using the phrase "my son". He is not only your son - better to use the phrase " our son" . I would also caution the use of the phrase "while allowing him to maintain maximum contact with each parent as long as his Mother and I can work together." Who decides if you are or are not working together; You? And if you determine you are not working together then this sentence implies that you would not maintain maxiumum contact.

So, maybe its your phrasing for the purpose of this post vut make sure its not in your verbal and writtne submission. IMO it would a reason to make sure it was joint and 50/50 maximum parenting time.

Sorry this is going off original posters topic.

Last edited by Beachnana; 01-23-2015 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Added swntence
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  #20  
Old 01-23-2015, 11:52 PM
stripes stripes is offline
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This still doesn't make sense to me. Someone seeking sole custody is acknowledging that they either do not believe the other parent is capable of making rational decisions about the child; or they are not capable of even minimal communication and co-operation with the other parent.

Yet they're willing to leave their child in the hands of this supposedly incapable, irrational, unco-operative other parent for half of the child's days and nights? That undermines the whole rationale for sole custody. This reads like someone saying "I want to be in control, but I'd like to use the other parent as a babysitter half the time".

Either both parents are competent and minimally co-operative, in which case joint custody and shared residence, or one parent is incompetent and/or the parents can't co-operate even minimally, in which case sole custody makes sense. I just can't see someone having it both ways.
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