Announcement

**Jenny** · 03-20-2006, 02:22 PM

I realize this is a hard time and you have hard feelings probably about your ex moving on so quickly, but I really don't think there is anything you can do to prevent these overnights. Especially if the other woman is a serious relationship and there isn't reason to think she would be a threat to your child( like if she had criminal background etc) Access to her father is your child's right - even if he is with her.

What in particular are you bothered by? Is it that it was so soon?, that you feel that your role is being taken over? I think you need to figure that out to really move on. Fighting this for the wrong reasons would be a mistake, imo.

Like the serenity prayer says.... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. I personally think this is something you can't change unless there is a good reason.

**Sk8r** · 03-20-2006, 02:53 PM

you have to ask yourself...

I'm with Jenny here.

You need to ask yourself just why you don't want your daughter around this other woman and her family. If the answer is that it makes YOU uncomfortable, then you are not considering what is right for your daughter.

Personally, if my ex only wanted a couple weeks in the summer and some Christmas holidays, I'd be jumping for joy. Most of us have to share a whole lot more time than that.

**Grace** · 03-20-2006, 03:01 PM

Count me in with Jenny & Sk8r. Careful taking this to court. If you are seen as the uncooperative parent, who denies access, a Judge may order custody to your ex and you may find yourself the "access parent".

**Momma-Mia** · 03-20-2006, 04:01 PM

I hear what you are all saying. But outside of the fact that I can't stand this woman, I really don't think that it's a good idea for my daughter to suddenly have to spend nights with these people and with her father who she hasn't seen in months. Don't you think that that's not in her best interests? I certianly do! I can't see any judge not agreeing with me on this.

I am already at risk of being deemed as the uncooperative parent. I know this because I totally had a selfish phase in the beginning of the separation when I was not allowing him to see her. He has it written in his affidavits that while he was living here in the same town, I visited with friends in another town and left our daughter with my family, instead of him. Yes, I did do this because I did not want my daughter around the new girl. So basically he is saying that I am already refusing him contact. If I argue that he should not have overnight access then he will argue that it's out of bitterness and that I'm not doing things with my daughters best interests in mind. Although I am bitter, I legitimately do not feel that this will be good for my daughter! So it's basically a catch 22 for me.

How about getting the opinion of a child psychologist to assess the situation? I am certain that any sensible child psychologist would agree with me that this is not good for my daughter. To take her out of familiar surroundings and with strangers would be emotionally disruptive to her.

I am so afraid and worried about this! Does anyone know how far I can go with trying to find out about his girlfriend? Can I request from the court some sort of police record check? I know she comes from a good educated family but she's such a #@$% that I'm certain there must be some dirt on her that would cause her credibility to be in question.

Beth

**Sk8r** · 03-20-2006, 04:34 PM

Sorry Beth, but I don't have anything to say that you want to hear.

Originally posted by Momma-Mia

I am already at risk of being deemed as the uncooperative parent. I know this because I totally had a selfish phase in the beginning of the separation when I was not allowing him to see her. He has it written in his affidavits that while he was living here in the same town, I visited with friends in another town and left our daughter with my family, instead of him. Yes, I did do this because I did not want my daughter around the new girl. So basically he is saying that I am already refusing him contact.

He's saying that you are denying him contact because YOU ARE.

Originally posted by Momma-Mia

I legitimately do not feel that this will be good for my daughter!

On what basis? Because YOU don't like your ex? because you don't like his GF? Are you telling me that you have never introduced your daughter to a single new person in her life? Has she never spent an overnight with a friend, a babysitter, even a grandparent?

Originally posted by Momma-Mia

I am certain that any sensible child psychologist would agree with me that this is not good for my daughter. To take her out of familiar surroundings and with strangers would be emotionally disruptive to her.

I think you are mistaken. First of all - her father is NOT a stranger and she will be going with him - even if others are around. Secondly, I believe a child psychologist will find that you will ultimately cause your daughter psychological damage by denying her access to her father or by speaking ill of him and his new partner.

**god knows the truth** · 03-20-2006, 04:43 PM

you sound like you're eaten by contempt for this other woman. If this is not curbed, the judge will see it and, although it's normal, possibly side against you for your issues.
I totally agree with you about the overnight visits; I don't think that your daughter should be uprooted from stability and issued to sleep at a stranger's house. That's terrifying for a little child.
If you did want to make it smoother for her and you, you might want to bite your tongue and call these parents. Maybe you could familiarize your daughter and yourself with them so if she is COURT-ORDERED to have sleepovers with dad at this house ,it won't be shocking and scary, as it may seem through a little 6 years old's eyes.
If the judge orders it then you have no choice, so why not do this for your daughter's mental comfort.
you may win in court ;you may lose-you never know---be prepared for anything.
take care. Maybe some therapy will help with your trust,anger, and sense of betrayal issues. YOu have every right to feel the way you do but he's not losing sleep, you're the one who's hurting.I'm sure your daughter has picked up on it. Start a new life and take advantage of the possibilities. Keep posting, this is a form of group therapy right at your fingertips.

**Amber** · 03-20-2006, 08:10 PM

Momma Mia: I know you are not hearing what you want to hear, but the beauty of this forum is that you get unbiased perspectives. I am going to relate this back to my experience. I had no young children involved, however my ex did leave but already with someone else. I was in counselling ( something to seriously consider if you have not already..) and on one occassion the counseller asked me why I focus my anger and frustration on the other woman rather than on my ex and that betrayal? That was something to really think about and I did alot of soul searching . I wonder that you are maybe doing the same thing. I don't know, but maybe step back and think about why the problem seems to go back to the g/f. I am wondering why you want to dig up dirt on her? There's nothing wrong with satisfying yourself that she is no harm to your children, but beyond that, I see the pot being stirred.

Even though your daughter is only 6 years old, she picks up on those vibes from you. I think you will find as you get further away from the separation, that you will eventually WANT to let go of the energy it takes to be bitter about the other woman. If the g/f was not in his life, there would be someone else and you cannot control that. Your energy is better placed on healing yourself and focusing on your family. Trust me, I know. It feels great to let that go. There will be times, because of your little girl, that you will be in each others company and wouldn't it be great for your little girl to see you handle these situations with dignity rather than spite and resentment. Everything goes full circle. Make sure it comes back the way you would like it to.

I'm curious? How are you with the 19 year old having time with your ex and the g/f? I ask because I had a child that age at the time of my separation.

**logicalvelocity** · 03-21-2006, 12:35 AM

momma-mia,

I have to agree with the group. Having a meaningful relationship with both parents is the child right. Your ex's circumstances seem to be permanent and won't change in the near future. If access was not to occur, the relationship will most likely be severed. Is this really what you want. Is this the best interest of your child to longer have that parent in their life in a meaningful way?

**applepie** · 04-07-2006, 03:50 PM

I'm sorry Momma-Mia. It would be one thing if you suspected this woman of being a heinous criminal or child molestor but it is quite another to not want your child to be around her because you don't like her. Your ex has the right to a relationship with his daughter and you have to honor that no matter your personal feelings.

**sasha1** · 04-07-2006, 05:13 PM

I agree with most everything you've been told as well, although I think Sk8r was having a bad day here:

[QUOTE=Sk8r]
On what basis? Because YOU don't like your ex? because you don't like his GF? Are you telling me that you have never introduced your daughter to a single new person in her life? Has she never spent an overnight with a friend, a babysitter, even a grandparent?

QUOTE]

For a 6 year old to have to go overnight to a strange house, surrounded by many people she doesn't know, is not the equivalent of introducing your child to a new person or staying overnight with someone she knows and is comfortable with.

Godknowsthetruth gave you good advise: seriously consider ways to integrate the father (and yes, his girlfriend) into your daughter's life gradually. I hear your concerns loud and clear, and I completely understand them, but the key here is to keep in mind what's best for your daughter. So even if it means you have to consider the merits of moving you and your daughter to the same area the father lives in, it may be wise to consider; if you can build some bridge of trust with your ex in terms of his parenting, you'll find a lot of peace of mind when your daughter is with him, and the benefits to your daughter would be immense.

How long does the father intend to stay nearby in the summer? If it was for a longer period, like 6 weeks or something, you could probably ask that he work into the overnights gradually... perhaps spending several daytime visits with your daughter for the first week or two, and then try an overnight. However, if he's only coming for a week or two in total, you need to do what you can to help your daughter adjust to what is likely inevitable.

Is there any hope of you and your ex working together? Sounds like you really upset the apple cart early on, but maybe if you were to sit down and talk, if you admitted your mistake openly, etc, he might be more inclined to listen to your concerns now.

**Sk8r** · 04-10-2006, 11:26 AM

I agree with most everything you've been told as well, although I think Sk8r was having a bad day here:

Possibly so

I'm usually much nicer - or at least more diplomatic.

Sorry

**DadofTwoGirls** · 04-10-2006, 09:26 PM

I hope you've come to terms with all that has been said in this thread. It is tough to go from being in total control of what hapens to your child to losing some of that. It is natural to want to protect your little girl. I went through a similar situation with my ex. She had a bf who she introduced to my kids very very quickly.

But, I now fully realize that I do not have any control over what happens at my girls' mom's house. All decisions are made by my x and I just have to expect that she will be a good mother and make appropriate decisions. I can't change that she's their mom and I can't change the fact that she has rights - absolute rights - based on that alone.

That being said, I have the same rights as the father. And nobody can take those rights away from me either.

Your ex is still the dad and has a right to lead his own life just as you have the right to lead your life. You have lost a degree of control like all of us divorced/separated parents.

At the end of the day, I'll bet that your girl will be just fine. She will be even better if she sees that you are ok with her seeing her dad and you are not anxious about it.

It's in her best interest if you support her and support her relationship with her dad.

Best of luck with this. It's not easy but I suppose that's life.

**logicalvelocity** · 04-10-2006, 11:00 PM

A child of the age of 6 can handle different environments full of strangers.
A prime example of this is a child goes to school and these other children are strangers at first and subsequently become acquaintances once contact is spent with these individual. Maximizing access and contact is the child's right unless there is a strong reason not too such as abuse etc.

**Mikesgal** · 04-14-2006, 09:49 PM

a question I have for you is this....what happens when you find someone to share your life with in the future?? your daughter will have to get to know this person and be involved in their life as well..how will you feel if your ex all of a sudden starts telling you that you can't have this person stay the night or demanding things from you to protect your daughter?? my advise is to let go and go on with your life...you will be much happier and your daughter will be happy as well without all this emotional blunder that is going on...kids can and do pick up on these things

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Ex's New Relationship and Overnights

Ex's New Relationship and Overnights

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