I know this is supposed to be a support forum for people going through a divorce and I'm not there yet but I really wanted to share my story/situation and hopefully get some feedback. It's going to be a long one so I hope you guys can hang in there.
I've been with my husband almost 16 years (I was 19 and he was 22) and our 6 year wedding anniversary is in a few weeks. I am from New Brunswick but moved to Nova Scotia with my husband a year after we met. All of my family is still in NB so I really have no support system here.
We have 2 children, a 9 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. I have made my kids and my husband my life. I don't go out and have often turned down offers to go out because I didn't like leaving my young children with a sitter. Because of this I have really alienated anyone who has tried to be friends with me so I don't even have any close friends to lean on for support. My husband has always been my best friend and I think that is why I'm finding this so difficult, Not only am I losing my husband but I'm losing my best friend.
When I was pregnant with my son (spring 2007) my husband was offered a job 3 hours away working 4 days on and 4 days off. It was really good money so we couldn't afford for him to turn it down even though it meant seeing less of each other. He stayed in the city while he was working and came home on days off. For a while it actually worked out ok because we were always happy to see each other on his days off. Eventually it got a little tiresome, he started hating his job but we needed the money and there was nothing here for him in a small town. In February of 2009 I started feeling like he was pulling away. I have extreme self confidence issues and put on alot of weight after my children. Sometimes I would just start to feel like I had nothing to offer so why should he be with me and probably pushed him away some. One night, we were in bed and he was half asleep and started kissing my neck and called me by someone else's name. He swears to this day there was nothing going on. I'm still not sure I believe it but I can't see why he would lie about it now. Anyway, things really started going downhill after that. We stopped spending time together and I actually told him I thought he didn't love me anymore and he was only with me because of the kids. He said he wasn't and got really upset by that. A couple weeks later he said he had been thinking and maybe he wasn't happy and maybe he was with me for the wrong reasons. That was in June 2009. So when he left to make the trip back to Halifax we decided he should take his next set of days off and stay in the city to sort out some feelings. Then he just stopped coming home. He said he was still sorting out his feelings and he was stressed because his mom was really sick etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he flat out denied it so I foolishly believed him. Fast Forward to April 2010 he decided to leave his job to come home and work on putting our family back together. Only a few weeks after coming home his friend bought him a plane ticket to go stay with him in Calgary. I was ok with him going since he was taking positive steps towards getting our marriage back.
The day before mother's day I opened my laptop and I was looking for a game I had downloaded but hadn't yet played. I don't download alot so I didn't know which folder it would save in...well me and my husband had identical laptops and apparently I was on his and not mine. I found backup files for a girls computer with dates on them for when he was away. When I questioned him he admitted he had been seeing her for pretty much the whole year before (it was her name that he said when we were in bed, like I said, he still says there was nothing going on then). He says when I told him I thought he was with me because of the kids he started confiding in her and she had just gone through a bad breakup so she was confiding in him and it progressed from there. During the year they were together they maintained a long distance relationship because she moved to Winnipeg. He admitted he was in love with her but said he went to see her in Winnipeg to break it off with her and promised to cut off all contact for us to work things out. I had a lot of trouble getting over it. I wanted him to show me affection and show me and tell me that he loved me and I wasn't getting any of that from him. In his defence I wasn't doing anything to help the situation.
So I guess neither of us were really trying, I went through his phone a couple times and thought he was seeing other people etc. The trust just wasn't there. In February 2011 his mom got really sick and ended up being sent to Halifax hospital. He took 3 and a half weeks off work and went to stay in Halifax while she was there. She got sent back to the hospital here after 3 and a half weeks and then died in the hospital here 3 weeks later. That was March 31st.
On May 30th, I got a facebook message from the girl he had been seeing, saying she knows he's going through alot but she isn't accpeting that as an excuse for his behaviour anymore. I was floored. I thought tehy were done and not even talking anymore. I gave her my number and asked her to call me. They had still been texting and talking on the phone at night (he works nights so I was always in bed when he got home). She thought we were seperated again and she happened to be in Halifax visiting her parents when he was there with his mom. I don't know where the money went that I thought was being spent on hotel rooms because he was staying with her and her parents.... and not just as friends. They apparently got in a big fight when her and her parents seen my name listed in his moms obituary. Shortly after he ended it with her and I think she was just pissed and that's why she contacted me.
After talking to her I was prepared to walk away and never look back and he begged me to stay and told me he didn't know why he did it, it was just at a weak time. When I asked him why he was even still talking to her, he said he didn't want to lose her as friend blah blah blah. So I told him we would try to work things out but it was going to take alot of work. Well he still kept sleeping on the couch and not giving me the affection I craved etc and he was staying out after work having drinks with a friend so I just felt he wasn't putting any effort in at all (not that I was doing alot to make things better) The day before Canada day he decided to go stay with his friend. He said he feels awkward around me and feels like I will never forgive him and like he will never stop feeling guilty. To me that meant it was over and he doesn't want to give me the chance to get past it but I can't really blame him. But he would come over and do little things like give me a back rub, give me a kiss before leaving..things like that keep me holding on but he wouldn't talk to me about moving home and working things out he said he needs to figure this out on his own and figure out if he really wants to be here. Well we finally told the kids today that we are "on a break". I can't handle being on a break and really don't see how we can ever get back together if we can't discuss it instead of him deciding on his own.
I am absolutely heartbroken, I'm all alone and I just don't know what to do. I know I'm probably better off without his bull**** but it's so hard when we are trying to remain friends for the kids. I don't even know anymore if I'm devestated over losing him or it's just the feeling of being unwanted and scared what the future holds for me and my kids, we were barely making it by financially with combined income so I don't know how I'm going to do it on my income and his child support. I feel I should be preparing to get the bills put in my name and get his stuff all packed up but I'm afraid taking those steps are really going to push him away. I don't blame him for everything, like I said I have a lot of self esteem issues and because of those issues I always feel like i'm not good enough and that ends up pushing him away. Now I feel we have both failed our kids.
On a side note - when he was seeing this girl in Halifax I was working fulltime, raising the 2 kids on my own and putting myself through school to work in a medical lab. I just graduated in June and just got my letter in the mail today saying that I passed my certification exam. I worked so hard and I should be so happy and celebrating but I'm just too overwhelmed to even care.
Sorry for the novel. I told you it was long. Thanks to everyone that was able to sit through the whole thing.
I've been with my husband almost 16 years (I was 19 and he was 22) and our 6 year wedding anniversary is in a few weeks. I am from New Brunswick but moved to Nova Scotia with my husband a year after we met. All of my family is still in NB so I really have no support system here.
We have 2 children, a 9 yr old girl and a 3 yr old boy. I have made my kids and my husband my life. I don't go out and have often turned down offers to go out because I didn't like leaving my young children with a sitter. Because of this I have really alienated anyone who has tried to be friends with me so I don't even have any close friends to lean on for support. My husband has always been my best friend and I think that is why I'm finding this so difficult, Not only am I losing my husband but I'm losing my best friend.
When I was pregnant with my son (spring 2007) my husband was offered a job 3 hours away working 4 days on and 4 days off. It was really good money so we couldn't afford for him to turn it down even though it meant seeing less of each other. He stayed in the city while he was working and came home on days off. For a while it actually worked out ok because we were always happy to see each other on his days off. Eventually it got a little tiresome, he started hating his job but we needed the money and there was nothing here for him in a small town. In February of 2009 I started feeling like he was pulling away. I have extreme self confidence issues and put on alot of weight after my children. Sometimes I would just start to feel like I had nothing to offer so why should he be with me and probably pushed him away some. One night, we were in bed and he was half asleep and started kissing my neck and called me by someone else's name. He swears to this day there was nothing going on. I'm still not sure I believe it but I can't see why he would lie about it now. Anyway, things really started going downhill after that. We stopped spending time together and I actually told him I thought he didn't love me anymore and he was only with me because of the kids. He said he wasn't and got really upset by that. A couple weeks later he said he had been thinking and maybe he wasn't happy and maybe he was with me for the wrong reasons. That was in June 2009. So when he left to make the trip back to Halifax we decided he should take his next set of days off and stay in the city to sort out some feelings. Then he just stopped coming home. He said he was still sorting out his feelings and he was stressed because his mom was really sick etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he flat out denied it so I foolishly believed him. Fast Forward to April 2010 he decided to leave his job to come home and work on putting our family back together. Only a few weeks after coming home his friend bought him a plane ticket to go stay with him in Calgary. I was ok with him going since he was taking positive steps towards getting our marriage back.
The day before mother's day I opened my laptop and I was looking for a game I had downloaded but hadn't yet played. I don't download alot so I didn't know which folder it would save in...well me and my husband had identical laptops and apparently I was on his and not mine. I found backup files for a girls computer with dates on them for when he was away. When I questioned him he admitted he had been seeing her for pretty much the whole year before (it was her name that he said when we were in bed, like I said, he still says there was nothing going on then). He says when I told him I thought he was with me because of the kids he started confiding in her and she had just gone through a bad breakup so she was confiding in him and it progressed from there. During the year they were together they maintained a long distance relationship because she moved to Winnipeg. He admitted he was in love with her but said he went to see her in Winnipeg to break it off with her and promised to cut off all contact for us to work things out. I had a lot of trouble getting over it. I wanted him to show me affection and show me and tell me that he loved me and I wasn't getting any of that from him. In his defence I wasn't doing anything to help the situation.
So I guess neither of us were really trying, I went through his phone a couple times and thought he was seeing other people etc. The trust just wasn't there. In February 2011 his mom got really sick and ended up being sent to Halifax hospital. He took 3 and a half weeks off work and went to stay in Halifax while she was there. She got sent back to the hospital here after 3 and a half weeks and then died in the hospital here 3 weeks later. That was March 31st.
On May 30th, I got a facebook message from the girl he had been seeing, saying she knows he's going through alot but she isn't accpeting that as an excuse for his behaviour anymore. I was floored. I thought tehy were done and not even talking anymore. I gave her my number and asked her to call me. They had still been texting and talking on the phone at night (he works nights so I was always in bed when he got home). She thought we were seperated again and she happened to be in Halifax visiting her parents when he was there with his mom. I don't know where the money went that I thought was being spent on hotel rooms because he was staying with her and her parents.... and not just as friends. They apparently got in a big fight when her and her parents seen my name listed in his moms obituary. Shortly after he ended it with her and I think she was just pissed and that's why she contacted me.
After talking to her I was prepared to walk away and never look back and he begged me to stay and told me he didn't know why he did it, it was just at a weak time. When I asked him why he was even still talking to her, he said he didn't want to lose her as friend blah blah blah. So I told him we would try to work things out but it was going to take alot of work. Well he still kept sleeping on the couch and not giving me the affection I craved etc and he was staying out after work having drinks with a friend so I just felt he wasn't putting any effort in at all (not that I was doing alot to make things better) The day before Canada day he decided to go stay with his friend. He said he feels awkward around me and feels like I will never forgive him and like he will never stop feeling guilty. To me that meant it was over and he doesn't want to give me the chance to get past it but I can't really blame him. But he would come over and do little things like give me a back rub, give me a kiss before leaving..things like that keep me holding on but he wouldn't talk to me about moving home and working things out he said he needs to figure this out on his own and figure out if he really wants to be here. Well we finally told the kids today that we are "on a break". I can't handle being on a break and really don't see how we can ever get back together if we can't discuss it instead of him deciding on his own.
I am absolutely heartbroken, I'm all alone and I just don't know what to do. I know I'm probably better off without his bull**** but it's so hard when we are trying to remain friends for the kids. I don't even know anymore if I'm devestated over losing him or it's just the feeling of being unwanted and scared what the future holds for me and my kids, we were barely making it by financially with combined income so I don't know how I'm going to do it on my income and his child support. I feel I should be preparing to get the bills put in my name and get his stuff all packed up but I'm afraid taking those steps are really going to push him away. I don't blame him for everything, like I said I have a lot of self esteem issues and because of those issues I always feel like i'm not good enough and that ends up pushing him away. Now I feel we have both failed our kids.
On a side note - when he was seeing this girl in Halifax I was working fulltime, raising the 2 kids on my own and putting myself through school to work in a medical lab. I just graduated in June and just got my letter in the mail today saying that I passed my certification exam. I worked so hard and I should be so happy and celebrating but I'm just too overwhelmed to even care.
Sorry for the novel. I told you it was long. Thanks to everyone that was able to sit through the whole thing.
Comment