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The kids and I ruined his life - rant

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  • The kids and I ruined his life - rant

    Some back story:
    • D12 & S8
    • Divorced for 8 years after short duration marriage
    • Ex is 3 months behind on support payments
    • Most recent payment bounced
    • Support payments are below guidelines
    • Ex will be losing his job (plant closure) some time this year
    • I have sole custody
    • Ex has EOW
    I notified the ex this week (via email) that I had registered with the FRO due to the late and bounced payments.

    Discovered this week that D12 needs glasses and is fully coverered under ex's benefits.

    Sent an email letting him know that I would cover the intial cost of the glasses if he could submit the claim and issue the refund to me.

    Received a barrage of emails about how I'm an a$$hole and the worst human being on the planet. Not the first time he's called me this, probably won't be the last. Not the reason I'm ticked.

    In the course of the emails, he stated that my actions are causing animosity between he and the kids because he can't "have a life" and it is mine and their faults. Ok fine, blame me if you want', but it sounds like he's now blaming the kids and taking it out on them.

    Additionally, he has refused to make a benefits claim for D12's glasses.

    Any thoughts? How do I proceed from here?
    Last edited by kamkatie; 03-20-2014, 02:08 PM. Reason: Added custody arrangements

  • #2
    He's broke and frustrated, like anyone would be in that situation. Try to put yourself in his place.

    Filing with FRO is a hostile action that will always increase animosity. He is losing his job, and then what? He won't be able to make support payments at all and likely because you involved FRO he won't be able to afford a lawyer to chase YOU down in court to have them adjusted while he tries to find new work. Expecting full support while he is unemployed is not fair, and I would go so far as to say outright malicious and abusive.

    He may be losing what he has for a home, facing bankruptcy, homelessness, and possibly suicide.

    It's entirely possible you DID ruin his life. You certainly don't sound like you take any responsibility or want to work with him as a coparent.

    Your children's father is not a deadbeat, if you've been divorced for 8 years you've received child support diligently hundreds of times but now he is having problems.

    So what should you do? Try to understand there's another human being at the other end of your child support and work together for your kids sake.

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi FFF thank you for the response.

      He doesn't have to involve a lawyer or the courts if we wants to have the support amounts lowered. If he made a motion for consent to change the CS amounts, I would sign it without contesting it. Also, I'm not expecting full support from him currently. He's actually paying a couple of hundred dollars less every month then he should be based on his previous years NoA and the guidelines. He also doesn't assist with any of their section 7 expenses and hasn't for quite some time.

      Also, while it's true that he will be losing his job, he hasn't lost it yet and should still be supporting the kids while he is working. I believe (I could be wrong) that he still has an obligation to support he kids even if he loses his job (although a temporary pause may be in order). After all, if we were still together and he was out of work, the kids still need to be supported.

      You're correct that I was fed up. I have spent 8 years listening to him blame everyone but himself for the state that his life is in. When I bend over backwards, everything is fine, but if I require him to live up to his obligations (that he agreed to per our separation agreement), then I'm not a decent human being and how can I do this to him and I'm ruining his life. He only paid full table support for the first year we were separated. After that, its been constant complaints about the amounts. This was when he was working on a full-time regular basis. So you're right that perhaps I'm not being as empathetic as I could be. But honestly, what I feel like is an enabler. He's been helped out his entire life and has never had to take responsibility for his actions.
      Last edited by kamkatie; 03-21-2014, 10:13 AM. Reason: Fixed a typo

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by kamkatie View Post
        Hi FFF thank you for the response.

        He doesn't have to involve a lawyer or the courts if we wants to have the support amounts lowered. If he made a motion for consent to change the CS amounts, I would sign it without contesting it. Also, I'm not expecting full support from him currently. He's actually paying a couple of hundred dollars less every month then he should be based on his previous years NoA and the guidelines. He also doesn't assist with any of their section 7 expenses and hasn't for quite some time.

        Also, while it's true that he will be losing his job, he hasn't lost it yet and should still be supporting the kids while he is working. I believe (I could be wrong) that he still has an obligation to support he kids even if he loses his job (although a temporary pause may be in order). After all, if we were still together and he was out of work, the kids still need to be supported.

        You're correct that I was fed up. I have spent 8 years listening to him blame everyone but himself for the state that his life is in. When I bend over backwards, everything is fine, but if I require him to live up to his obligations (that he agreed to per our separation agreement), then I'm not a decent human being and how can I do this to him and I'm ruining his life. He only paid full table support for the first year we were separated. After that, its been constant complaints about the amounts. This was when he was working on a full-time regular basis. So you're right that perhaps I'm not being as empathetic as I could be. But honestly, what I feel like is an enabler. He's been helped out his entire life and has never had to take responsibility for his actions.
        Bending over backwards would be giving him 50/50 with offset support.

        We don't know your history. Why you got what you got but somehow at some point you ended up with more access than he did. As such he has had to support his kids through very large amounts of child support. Yet another reason 50/50 is in the best interests of everyone.

        For the highlighted part. Are you not able to support your kids.

        Comment


        • #5
          He never wanted or pursued joint custody. He was never a hands on father and had no interest in being one. He has very firm ideas about what a "woman's place" is in the household, hence why his new partner does not work as the "man" should be the breadwinner and it is the woman's job to cook and clean and take care of her man (and yes I have that in an email somewhere).

          When he and I separated I went back to school so I could support myself and the kids. So yes, in answer to your question, I can support them myself. And likely will once he is out of a job, until he finds a new one, at which point I would expect that his support payments would be adjusted based on the new wage.

          I do understand the other side as my husband is the payor for his children. However, he has always paid on time, has adjusted his CS yearly based on his tax return and assists with S7 expenses.

          Comment


          • #6
            When you register with a maintenance enforcement agency you are essentially taking a step back from personally collecting on your support order. Your ex can work with FRO to find a suitable amount of support to pay while he is unemployed/underemployed. You will have no input into what is negotiated between FRO and your ex and subsequently will have to accept whatever amount FRO determines he can afford to pay you.

            With this in mind I would resist the urge to get into heated debates with him about this. He may find that in time going through FRO is a good thing for him. He isn't the first person to lose a job.

            Encourage continued access with the children. Let FRO handle the financial part. Be prepared for the possibility of a lengthy time with little or no child support.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks Arabian (again!). I didn't honestly register to piss him off. The reason behind registering was because I was tired of bi-weekly emails from him ranting about support payments that were also full of insults. I don't believe I should have to be subjected to that. The bounced payment was the last straw for me, since it was also accompanied by another nasty email from him.

              I am aware that the registration period could take up to 3 months. So that would be half a year without support from him. It's going to make things pretty tight, but at least it's coinciding with tax time and my refund should cover the shortfall (hopefully) until support payments start coming in again.

              Comment


              • #8
                I suspected as much (reason for registering with FRO).

                Some people can't separate the money from the kid thing. It may take your ex time to process this. All you can really do is keep your communications kid-focussed. Yes the registration period with a maintenance program is lengthy. There is a new site called "Frostrating." You might even want to direct your ex to that site for information...

                Comment


                • #9
                  It is so frustrating when either parent doesn't take responsibility for the raising of their own child, financially or otherwise.

                  and, of course, 50/50 is always in the best interest of the payor.
                  oops, I meant children.

                  You've done all you can do, register with FRO, let them deal with the finances and move on with raising the kids. Ignore the ranting emails. good luck!
                  Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                  Comment

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