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  • Scared as Hell

    Hey everyone,

    Just hoping for some opinions here regarding my situation...Im not certain where else to post this so I thought I would post here.

    Im going into court, a first time father whos son was born under extremely bad circumstances.

    Im scared as hell as to the outcome and I would like to see what people have to say.

    Have completed a psychological evaluation, I listed all my fears regarding her anger, lying, manipulation and behaviour. Her complaints were things like she was worried my mom was going to kidnap the child and turn him against her, my friend assaulted her (she also claimed he got her pregnant at one point and he is willing to talk to a psychologist about her), my mom has physically tried to take the child from her and she called to get a restraining order but then apparently had a "change of heart"

    Psychologist came back that joint sessions were a challenge for her, regarding her use of inflammatory language, disrespectfulness and even said she is unable to take responsibility for her actions. As for me she just listed I was calm and respectful. Also listed that she had denied access and broke a court order.

    We are going into court in about a month, heres what i am worried about;
    I admitted (although i should have just lied through my teeth) that i am a recreational marijuana user, nothing major, and I consume alcohol on 2-3 nights per week (again I feel misconstrued as i stated that it was usually Friday/Saturday however there was the odd time Id go out for wings during the week), and admitted to trying cocaine twice just after high school. However this was listed as "a history of cocaine use", and its been over 10 years since I even tried it. Although i should mention I submitted a clean drug test to the psychologist to include in her report to the court. She refused to take one when i said I would.

    I dont feel this was at all representative of what I actually stated to her (other than the pot) and now I am scared as hell as to what will happen.

    She tried running me out of my sons life before the baby was even born saying things like she had plenty of reasons not to want me involved(I have saved these texts), and also has been doing things like switching my parenting time around, sending me inflammatory emails, wont let anyone meet her parents. She also was telling me her lawyer says I get supervised visitation, which she was enforcing, without even a judge handing it down.

    She is in her 30's, lives with her parents and is unemployed. She also has a child from a previous relationship in which she claims the father "abandoned her"...but after her trying to get rid of me Im not so sure.

    Its been a long fight to get where I am currently, and Im tired of fighting, I am not a danger to my son.

    I have a clean drug test and I rarely consume over a six pack when I do drink.

    What do you guys think will happen?

  • #2
    Additionally...

    I should also add that i needed to go to court just to get 2 2 hour visits to begin with, and I had to take her to court to pay child support. She has denied access 3 times, once blatantly breaking a court order to do so, and I have seen her absolutely screaming while the child is just inches from her face on a few occaisions, as can be attested to by witnesses who were with me.

    Just some more info. Thanks in advance for all the replies and any advice anyone might have.

    Comment


    • #3
      .....keep being calm and respectful!!

      Don't lower to her behaviour... rather continue being the mature, responsible adult. Show the court that your child is your primary concern.....

      Best wishes!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Your "friends" (as witnesses to her behavior) would be hearsay evidence. What do you mean that you took her to Court to pay Child Support? Did the two of you ever live together before/after the birth of the child?

        1) How old is the child you have together?
        2) What, thus far, to your knowledge and experience has been established in Court - and NOT according to her?

        I don't think anyone will hand out a medal for the recreational marijuana use, but it's not a deal breaker I don't think. I can't imagine why you fessed up on trying cocaine 10 yrs ago :/

        3) Will the psychologist be releasing his/her report?
        4) Has CAS or OCL had any involvement?

        Your post is a little scattered. Likely because you are "scared as hell" - as you said. Is it possible for you to detail your background in point form, showing some sort of time-line? This would get you some better, more informed responses from members of this forum.

        Comment


        • #5
          Stop smoking marijuana immediately. The alcohol doesn't sound, from what I gather from your post, like it's a problem to me. I had a drug problem (although much, much more serious than your marijuana use) that affected my access. I'm nearly 21 months clean and sober and still exercising supervised access (not for much longer though hopefully).

          The fact is that some judges are more leniant than others when it comes to pot. Some will make an order stating that you just can't use it while your child is in your care and some may have a real problem with it.

          Were I you, I would just stop smoking weed. Make it nice and easy for any judge you face. I don't have to tell you that it's a small price to pay to be with your child unsupervised and unrestricted.

          Comment


          • #6
            Better timeline

            1)child is 15 months old
            2) nothing else established in court....we were directed into a psychological evaluation rather quickly.....mother has noticeable anger problems
            3)psychologist will be releasing the report
            4)No other involvement.....although she did say she called child services about a restraining order on my mother but then decided "it was a one time thing" and apparently had a change of heart...she claims my mother tried to take my son from her.

            Im still seriously kicking my own ass....she asked me if I had ever done any other drugs and i replied 'yes I tried cocaine twice just after high school".....I still dont know why I said it but I guess at the time I was just trying to be honest, in the end I was only just stupid.

            Basically she said she was pregnant. I should mention I dont really know her...she got pregnant fast and we had fairly intermittant contact. She did also pull this with my buddy I found out soon after she told me. My lawyer said my buddy would be a good person to talk to a psychologist.
            After a week I wasnt so sure she was telling the truth, so I told her that before I did anything else I was going to have a paternity test...then if it was my child I would be there for my shild. I suspect she wanted a relationship and I reaffirmed to her that nothing would be changing.

            Then she told me she wanted me out of this childs life. I saved the texts. For the next 8 months she continued contacting me, getting mad at me, trying to strike up conversations, and in general she was being quite unstable...hopping around all over the place.

            I had a hard time getting her to go to the paternity test.

            Even after the test she said she had been stressing about the results.

            I cant prove but she has said some pretty nasty things about me in front of the kid, she wouldnt let me take him anywhere...insisted she come along as "supervised visitation", wouldnt let me pay for anything or take child support. I saved these texts. She denied access on a few occaisions, and after completely losing it on my mom and telling her to stay away from her (ie. she wasnt going to let her see the baby as she had to be there at all my visits) she left me no choice but to go to court to get a parenting order, for some time, and to pay support.

            I have saved lots of texts and emails, her written instructions for my parenting time, and a few times she has gone absolutely berserk...screaming at the top of her lungs within inches of my sons face.

            I wrote down some details of the psych report as it was read to me;

            Other than drug use (honestly she was just throwing these out there because Ive never talked with her about drugs and theres no way she would have known) I admitted to being a recreational marijuana user, had tried cocaine and ecstasy twice after high school (history of cocaine use) and i consumed alcohol usually on the weekends but the odd time mid week if I felt like some wings. I have fairly normal drinking habits and I rarely consume more than a 6 pack as I just plain dont like going beyond that level.

            I have also submitted a clean drug test voluntarily to the psychologist without being court ordered.

            Otherwise all her things are simply allegations, ie; worried my mother will kidnap the kid, the thing about the restraining order, my buddy beating her up (this is false...this is just what she said after she didnt get a relationship with him), I was drunk at the hospital (true but i had been at my dads birthday when this emergency happened, not like a regularly scheduled visit) and apparently my brother told her I was an alcoholic.didnt understand why she was making this as difficult as possible for me and my mom, but trying to be best friends with my dad and my step mom, concerned I will drop the child off on my parenting time for someone else to raise, I sleep so deeply I wont wake up if the child needs anything (Ive never spent a night with her), I threaten to take the child away from her (not true as I have saved our communication via emails and tape recorded the last few times we were alone for just this reason), I threaten her with court, (I havent but she has threatened me before and I saved it)

            on my side I simply stated she had anger problems, needs anger management, i felt she was using this child to get as much of my time as possible, she lies, shes manipulative, she wont let anyone meet her parents, an example of her yelling so loud the neighbor came over (and my son was just a few feet away),
            As for the joint sessions....

            1)they were a challenge for the mother
            2)mother has more problems with conflict and the past
            3)mother could not refrain from using inflammatory language
            4)could not take responsibility for her actions
            5)would benefit from counselling from ongoing feelings for me
            6)the father was calm and respectful

            Theres some more info...sorry that was so long winded but I really am scared as hell. I havent done anything wrong....honestly Im not even super worried about the recreational pot use, just about everyone I know whos been through this said its not a big deal and it would need to be proven its affecting my parenting.

            But that cocaine thing has got me freaking...I even said to the psychologist i didnt agree with the wording and felt something like "experimented" would have been more viable.

            I submitted a clean drug test of my own volition without evebn being asked at the reading of this report as I have not touched any other drug that marijuana in over 12 years.

            Thanks for the feedback so far

            Comment


            • #7
              I forgot

              I should add...

              She also would not release the name of the childs doctors to me for quiter some time and I had to get them written in a court order for her to release them...and that still took some time.

              I do finally have them and have been to a few doctors appointments on my own as I was advised to stay away from to mitigate conflict, and to prevent her outbursts...which happen in public.

              The psychologist report also contained her breaking court orders and denying access.
              Last edited by Rogue13; 07-19-2012, 07:56 PM. Reason: forgot to add something

              Comment


              • #8
                arg...sorry

                I have also taken 2 parenting courses, and am enrolled in school to obtain another certificate so I can hopefully work from home and take care of my son....I have always been employed and have a good job now although with the current economic conditions the pay is somewhat lacking..but I do have the ability to work from home.

                Comment


                • #9
                  From the sounds of it, you're on the right track!! Keep up the good work, keep working to improve yourself so that you are a mature & responsible person in your child's life!!

                  Take some time for you to destress through the process. Based on what you've said, don't stress about the wording of the cocaine use. It's not like you're snorting lines of the table while your child is having lunch next to you..... Keep focused on the here and now!

                  Best wishes!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thank you

                    No I was advised that theres a difference between the words use, and abuse in court.

                    I seriously have not done it in over ten years, and even then I only tried it. I just dont need any extra anxiety going into court is all.

                    Appreciate everything so far guys.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      Have completed a psychological evaluation, I listed all my fears regarding her anger, lying, manipulation and behaviour.
                      What tests did the psychoanalyst have you complete? (i.e. MMPI-2) Listing your "fears" can translate to "anxieties" and unless rooted in a factual event they may constitute "emotional reasoning".

                      Did you receive a diagnosis (and or summary diagnosis) from the psychoanalyst? Psychological evaluations are very "subjective" and often swing-and-sway by the opinion of the clinician conducting them. Psychology as a study is considered a "soft science". So don't hold the results in high regard and as "fact".

                      Also, you may be experiencing an acute "adjustment disorder with anxiety" which is very common. You need to become very aware of your cognative function and notice your emotions, name them and do "something" (generally nothing) about them.

                      Adjustment disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

                      You have expressed anxieties (fears) throughout your posting. Hopefully the following ***opinions**** on your situation are helpful.

                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      Her complaints were things like she was worried my mom was going to kidnap the child and turn him against her, my friend assaulted her (she also claimed he got her pregnant at one point and he is willing to talk to a psychologist about her), my mom has physically tried to take the child from her and she called to get a restraining order but then apparently had a "change of heart"
                      What is being expressed by the other parent ***could*** be mapped to what is commonly referred to annihilation anxiety. ("Fear of being annihilated")

                      Annihilation Anxieties: Definition from Answers.com

                      Recognizing High Conflict People

                      Again, it is based on the psychologists background and knowledge of anxiety and related disorders (axis I and axis II).

                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      Psychologist came back that joint sessions were a challenge for her, regarding her use of inflammatory language, disrespectfulness and even said she is unable to take responsibility for her actions. As for me she just listed I was calm and respectful. Also listed that she had denied access and broke a court order.
                      This ***could*** be a Axis II personality disorder across multiple clusters. "Anxious/Nervous" (Cluster C) and/or Cluster B (borderline/narcissistic). Also, if this is not common behaviour prior to the stressor of your separation it could be a situational "adjustment disorder" as well.


                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      I admitted (although i should have just lied through my teeth) that i am a recreational marijuana user, nothing major, and I consume alcohol on 2-3 nights per week (again I feel misconstrued as i stated that it was usually Friday/Saturday however there was the odd time Id go out for wings during the week), and admitted to trying cocaine twice just after high school.
                      1. Never lie. Your telling the truth is expected before the court.
                      2. Unless you are blowing smoke in the child's face the marijuana use is not a huge concern. Better you admit to it than having the other party use the evidence against you.
                      3. Drinking 2-3 times a week is within the threshold of acceptable generally.
                      4. The substances you use are mostly a major concern if they impact your ability to parent.
                      5. It is always best to "play it clean" and just quit drinking and using any other substances unless prescribed.

                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      However this was listed as "a history of cocaine use", and its been over 10 years since I even tried it. Although i should mention I submitted a clean drug test to the psychologist to include in her report to the court. She refused to take one when i said I would.
                      Ok, "history of cocaine use" is a common ontology used in medical reports. Now, based on what you said with regards to the "history" there should be more pre and post conditions on the use of the ontology (terminology) of "history of cocaine use" in my opinion. For example:

                      History of cocaine use between the dates x and y.
                      History of cocaine use at the age.

                      That would be the proper way to describe it in a medical record. Just stating "history of cocaine use" does not meet the expectations of medical records set forth by the College of Physicians and Surgeons. The key point is... The post conditional statement on "when" the history occurred is necessary for another treating physician to know.

                      I find a lot of clinicians who mostly work for the courts and not the medical system (custody and access evaluators) try to "dumb down" their reports and fail to respect their governing body's rules (and the Acts!) for medical records.

                      It can be argued that an OCL report and Section 30 report are Medical Records under the Medical Records Act of Ontario. Why these clinicians are so loose goose with their use of ontology is beyond me.

                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      I dont feel this was at all representative of what I actually stated to her (other than the pot) and now I am scared as hell as to what will happen.
                      It is not. The post conditional on the use of "history of cocaine use" is missing. It doesn't meet proper standards in my opinion without the post conditional.

                      Also, it should be clinically coded in accordance with DSM-IV properly or the reasons for not coding against this standard for mental health diagnosis should be clearly stated in the report.

                      Hand the report to your family doctor and ask a simple question:

                      "Based on this report, if you were handed it in an emergency situation for which I was unconscious, would you know what my "history of cocaine use" was? Would you treat me differently knowing I had a "history of cocaine use"? Would there be any medications/treatments/procedures that you would not be able to conduct if I was admitted for a heart attack?

                      In my opinion, it ***could*** directly impact the health care services you would be provided in the above mentioned situation. That is why these clinical standards exist and why they should be followed for all *medical records* even if a "report" produced for the court.

                      The only difference is that in court, you can clarify the post condition as you are not having a heart attack.

                      The psychologist is negligent (***my opinion***) for leaving out the post-conditional on the observation/finding of "history of cocaine use".

                      Originally posted by Rogue13 View Post
                      I have a clean drug test and I rarely consume over a six pack when I do drink.

                      What do you guys think will happen?
                      1. Not much. You will be able to provide the post-condition of when the history happened. The time frames you gave are incredibly irrelevant.

                      2. Really? "rarely consume over a six pack". Don't say this in court please. It can get you into a lot of hot water. Have a factual answer. 2-3 drinks a week. If you said something so ambiguous on the stand a lawyer would grind you to bits on that statement. (Just being frank with you.)

                      3. Why not stop drinking all together. The best answer is, prior to date X, 2-3 drinks a week but, I no longer consume alcohol.

                      Good Luck!
                      Tayken

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wow!

                        Wow thanks for the reply Tayken!

                        What tests did the psychoanalyst have you complete? (i.e. MMPI-2) Listing your "fears" can translate to "anxieties" and unless rooted in a factual event they may constitute "emotional reasoning".

                        Did you receive a diagnosis (and or summary diagnosis) from the psychoanalyst? Psychological evaluations are very "subjective" and often swing-and-sway by the opinion of the clinician conducting them. Psychology as a study is considered a "soft science". So don't hold the results in high regard and as "fact".


                        We havent done any actual testing yet but I have been advised we need to push for that. I am not lying when I say she is impulsive, irrational, bordering on delusional at times, lying, manipulative and twists the truth almost every time something happens. She also has intense, explosive anger, and the psychologist witnessed this firsthand..although it wasnt as bad as when shes not "on the spot".


                        1. Never lie. Your telling the truth is expected before the court.
                        2. Unless you are blowing smoke in the child's face the marijuana use is not a huge concern. Better you admit to it than having the other party use the evidence against you.
                        3. Drinking 2-3 times a week is within the threshold of acceptable generally.
                        4. The substances you use are mostly a major concern if they impact your ability to parent.
                        5. It is always best to "play it clean" and just quit drinking and using any other substances unless prescribed.


                        Even though i was advised to, I chose not to lie, I was raised better and as a character flaw even i am honest to a fault....too bad that doesnt seem to be much help in family court. I do not smoke a lot of marijuana, just a bit here and there as an alternative to alcohol. I didnt think I ever had a problem with alcohol, even though the allegations are that I am never sober. I seriously only tried cocaine twice...it was over 10 years ago...probably about 12 years ago, I tried ecstasy twice too. I have totally quit the marijuana for 4 months...drinking habits have stayed the same but i can definately reduce them for a while.

                        Ok, "history of cocaine use" is a common ontology used in medical reports. Now, based on what you said with regards to the "history" there should be more pre and post conditions on the use of the ontology (terminology) of "history of cocaine use" in my opinion. For example:

                        This is the one that scares me the most....I should have just lied and said no. Do you think this will pose a major problem?

                        Also...the psychologist left "mental issues" in her report...as well as some very bad things she said about me in the childs presence. She can not seem to hold down a job (presumably due to her behaviour).

                        I do not think this will go to trial as I dont believe she has the funds for it...and honestly I dont want to make it that far either...that money would be better used on other things...my child for instance. I really just want a fair parenting order, I have asked for 50/50 and i would like to pursue parallel parenting as believe me...you simply can not work with her at all.

                        I have already submitted a clean drug test and am willing to take any tests to achieve the above goals.....although i am aware i may also end up with full custody in this matter as well.

                        I appreciate the reply Tayken....this forum is full of awesome advice.

                        Comment

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