communications book and a new girlfriend in the picture

[2hopefull]

Hi - ok so my "ex" has stopped responding in the communications book, talking to one another is impossible - when he doesn't get his way, his very verbal (no witnesses of course) - although he super pleasant when he needs to cancel on his visitation. The problem is that he tells our 9 year old when the next time they will see one another. He totally changes his idea about his access - yes I'm going to have the lawyer put in for an access schedule - this whole thing is wrong on many levels

now with hardly 5 months from real seperation - as in my daughter knowing about it - he has brought the girlfriend into the picture - apparently it's been a few months and she just mentioned it - poor thing felt awful she "spilt the beans" - what an awful burden, plus his usual think only for himself attitute - am I the only one who thinks it's a bit early to have another person in the picture - in regards to my daughter knowing about it - not only that - she';s even met the girlfriends parents' - in other words the ex still can't handle one on one time with our daughter.

I'm not asking her any questions, except "are you comfortable, remember safety rules and that's it"

it's just a black hole, she's only 9 and a girl - I know her teachers, principal, friends parents and grandparents - no this is not about control but about being in tune and proactive and protective of a minor.

Opinions?

[sasha1]

I think it's too soon for your ex to bring a new woman on the scene. Emily Post be damned; I don't give a hoot about the 'etiquette' of the scenario, but I think it's unnecessary and irresponsible to bring your daughter into the mix, and especially to not let you know ahead of time that he intended to. When the hell will people start thinking about their KIDS?? He SHOULD have talked to you, as the co-parent to your daughter, and he SHOULD have been willing to work with you to help your daughter adjust to the change, and he SHOULDN'T have put the burden of keeping the secret from you. However, he did not. And that leaves you and your daughter with a problem; as you said, she feels bad that she let the cat out of the bag. I think you're handling it well, though, by not asking her questions about the woman, and assuring her that she was not wrong. Hats off to you for that.

As far as the communication book goes, I guess I'd just keep asking him to reply to your questions and keep requesting he contribute to it. Don't make snide remarks about his secretive BS, but do write that you're now aware of the situation, and ask that he reassure your daughter that she isn't in 'trouble' for telling you. Personally, I'd ask if he'd consider meeting for lunch or something (you, your daughter, and him), so you and he can explain the situation with your daughter together, and in doing so, show her firsthand that being her parents and caring about her is an ongoing thing, whether Mommy or Daddy meets someone new or not.

At least if he continues to fail to respond, you'll have a showing of that, but hopefully, he'll recognize your efforts, and take the high road as well.

Sorry you're going through the turmoil you are; it's not easy.

[Divorcemanagement]

New GF

It might be too soon to bring a new girlfriend or boyfriend onto the scene, alas, there are things we have no control over and that is one of them. With this in mind, I generally recommend that if your ex has a new girlfriend or boyfriend, that you proceed with caution and support how your child is feeling about the new person. Your child may experience a range of feelings associated with a new person and counselling is always an option. (Actually counselling for children of divorce is a good idea whenever there is a transitional issue that comes up ... kids need to talk with someone who isn't mom or dad because they need to feel safe to disclose how they are feeling.)

[sasha1]

Good advise, Sean. Even when we don't mean to, and take steps to avoid it, kids have a habit of feeling the pressure to be loyal to both sides. Even parents who actively work well together as co-parents find that with their kids. There's something inherent in kids that makes them feel at fault for divorce and responsible for their parents' pain. Outside counselling is a good plan. If possible, it would be good for you and your ex to introduce the idea together to your daughter, and both of you assure her she can say anything she feels to the counsellor, and that it will be private between her and the counsellor.

[2hopefull]

not sure if my last message was posted - had to log off quickly.

In a perfect world her father and I could talk, unfortunately he was mentally abusive (still hate this term, I'm an idiot), and very manipulative with everyone - hence he'll use the communications book when he pleases, or phones and speaks politely. but he's nasty since finding out that child support is law - now he wants to see her and have a say in everything - too bad he wasn't that involved during the marriage but ... I agree it's too early, she's at a sensitive age and it scares me because he's one to just let others "babysit" so he can go and "play" - she never use to feel that she had to hide things and now she's less excited about school.

I tried therapy - in fact I had him sign a paper stating that she would go to therapy before we "split up", now he says that I didn't inform him of anything - the whole point is it's confidental - I don't even know what was being said - but since the whole support thing...Let me add not one offer, penny for anything for her, just an assumption that my family will look after us (same as during the marriage) - they do grow, go to birthday parties, school events, forget food, snacks items for school, new winter boots, now spring/summer shoes and clothes (not a chance last years' would fit), sunblock etc... sorry I don't have a problem going without but enough of my parents doing all the work and paying bills.

I'm just at a lost on how to protect her, keep her somewhat grounded and learning not to be afraid to walk down the street without retribution.

Since divorce is so common, ground rules should be applied by law and a mediator because what is to become of the next generation of children that are being raised in these conflicting households?

[Divorcemanagement]

Communications Book

I am glad you dislike the mentally abusive label, if you can overcome your dislike of his pattern of behavior and look at him as, oh, say an unpleasant thing you have to deal with (much like going to the dentist) it can make your interaction with him far easier.

In short - "yep, I gotta deal with a moron - sigh".

On the subject of the communication book - I am not a big fan of them. Kid's aren't couriers, so I tend to look at communication books as sort of the physical manifestation of mom and dad's inability to work together, and the kid gets to lug that thing around between homes - fun fun fun.

Are you a bad parent because you have one? Nope. Should you aspire to a communication method that doesn't place the child in the position of having to act as a courier? Yep.

There are a wide variety of communication strategies that can bring about accountibility on his part - a parenting coordinator, for example. If you don't like dealing with him - see if you can get agreement on a parenting coordinator - it makes life a lot easier.

If he wants to have a say in everything and you don't want to deal with his ongoing crap, create a bunch of canned answers that don't say "I agree with you and will comply", but also don't say "you're a #@@@**!! idiot, go pound salt".

I call them - "reality check statements". They can be verbal or written. They go like this:

Him: I want to have a say in our child's primary care.
You: "I understand"
HIm: You don't have a right to make all the decisions.
You: "What can I do to help you feel differently?"
Him: You're trying to alienate our kid from me.
You: "I would be more than happy to address your concern in family mediation".

Now here's the trick - there is a three strikes policy with reality check statements. You'll note that in the above example, you have given three reality check statements. He is going to continue to push your buttons... so after you have done three reality check statements, get off the phone and/or remove yourself from the discussion. Follow it up with a parenting letter addressing his concerns and offering him his choice of up to ten family mediators to address his issue.

Chances are, the issue will go away or be deflected to another on. When that happens, use the reality check statements again.. follow up with a parenting letter.

When you are dealing with a jerk, it's because anger is a narcotic and he/she is addicted to their dislike of you. When you take an approach that empowers the other side to solve the problem - they now have a choice: work the problem or shut the hell up.eholds?

[2hopefull]

tried suggesting mediation - not a chance - he has rights and he use them when he feels like it - as usual, it's not about her but whether the game is on or his buds are pubbing - same as in the marriage. I was a single parent then too - yes I do dislike the label of mental abuse, however it goes it bit deeper than his being disagreeable, therefore on the advice of different professionals, yes phone calls are not possible nor is a communication book becuase he doesn't want to - doesn't leave too many avenues. Yes a book is something that a child lugs back and forth but so is the agenda from school - unfortunately this seems to becoming a norm in society. However, your suggestions are wonderful if one was dealing with 2 mature adults, but this is the same individual who said that therapy is a waste of time and is great with threats - sorry rambling - the law should be as soon as a couple breaks up and there are children, people like you are involved - no choice.

[Divorcemanagement]

Mature adults

Just because one parent isn't mature doesn't mean that the other parent should give up hope. A proactive approach to communicating in the manner I have suggested may not even solve the problem because we can't control the other parent's behavior. That being said, it shouldn't stop you (or anyone) from looking for ways to address those communication difficulties because kids aren't stupid - they generally gravitate toward the healed parent at some point in time. If you are taking a different approach, then you are taking one parent out of conflict and that can't be bad for kids.

[2hopefull]

I hope for the best for her and I've always strived for it even during the marriage but alas reality is different from intentions. I'm trying to learn that I can't provide her with a safe and nutriuting environment when she's not with me all I can do is guide her when she is with me to help her into adulthood. I also want her to feel comfortable being a female and who she is and will be. It's all about role models, live what you preach.

[Divorcemanagement]

Sometimes the best we can do is encourage our children to draw their own conclusions... divorce forces children to grow up mighty fast. It's an unfortunate reality.

[Tim]

Sometimes the best we can do is encourage our children to draw their own conclusions... divorce forces children to grow up mighty fast. It's an unfortunate reality.

Exactly, i 100% agree.
Dont force anything on them -they've been through enough.