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  • Non-Custodial Parent's Residence

    I hope that the non-custodial parents (those who have access to their child(ren) every-second-weekend and 50% of holidays) can help me with this.

    My stepson is a resident in our home every-second-weekend and 50% of holidays. We have provided him with all the necessities that he could possibly require if he were living with us full time. This includes a fully furnished room with toys, educational supplies, books; a complete wardrobe with clothing for all seasons and activites; sporting equipment; personal hygiene products; nutritious child friendly meals; daycamps and extracurricular activities; etc. And we have done all this on top of regular child support payments, believing that it would be best for the child to feel "at home" in our home and not have to pack numerous outfits, clothing for special activities, toys, books, personal hygiene products, etc., for every visit, and sleep on the couch during the times he is with us.

    Recently, we have been arguing with the bio-mom about finances and mentioned to her that we provide the same things that she provides, and we do so without financial assistance while she receives child support which greatly assists her in providing these same things in her home. She indicated that this is not "common practice" for non-custodial parents and that it is our choice to provide these things and incur the expenses associated with them.

    So this brings me to ask the question: What is the "common practice" of non-custodial parents in regards to their child(ren)'s living arrangements at their home?

    Any sharing of practices or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

    Thanks!
    Last edited by #1StepMom; 01-15-2009, 11:09 AM.

  • #2
    I would think that it is common practice for the access parent to provide necessities for the child as well as the parent.

    I am a step-parent and we have provided the child with her own fully decorated bedroom, clothing, toys, educational materials and activities, games etc.

    We do however, request items such as the snowsuit/pants extra mitts, tights etc...if we plan on doing something with the child that requires clothing that we don't have. I don't see any sense in spending a tonne of extra money duplicating things that she already has with her Mom. Her Mom has been really good at accomodating our clothing requests.

    Anyway, I don't see the items you listed as being uncommon. Would the Mom pack up food to feed the child from her own fridge to bring to your house on your access weekends? Would she mind having a bunch of dirty clothes going back to add to her pile of laundry? Would she cart the posters and cool things in his room with her over to your house for your access? Of course not...it doesn't make sense. The child needs to be comfortable.

    The access family is responsible for creating a happy and safe enviornment for the child as well. I read one story on here that the Custodial Mother had to provide the kids with money while the Father was exercising his access, because he was of the opinion that he pays child support therefor he should not pay anything else. God-bless that woman she actually did it just so the kids wouldn't be bored to tears while visiting their Father! I think that is the most ludicrious thing in the world. We as access families have a responsibility to that child to make him/her comfortable in our homes.

    The expense is justified...why is she criticising you for providing her child with the comforts of home?

    Comment


    • #3
      Hi #1StepMOM,

      In my procrastination from my work responsibilities I found this pretty good article about a child having two homes:

      DivorceMag: Mom's house, Dad's house

      The article discusses 'the bare minimum' and up of making the child feel like they belong in the home. It also demonstrates the importance of the child not having to lug around a suitcase and for them to have their own 'things' and space at each house.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by ikikass70 View Post
        The expense is justified...why is she criticising you for providing her child with the comforts of home?
        She's upset because we had asked to postpone our payment of special and extraordinary expenses, recently incurred by her, until next month. She knows very well that my husband lost his job a few months ago and took a job that pays much less than his previous job (due to the lack of opportunities in today's economic crisis). In the meantime, FRO continues to withdraw child support in an amount based on his previous job, an amount that is far greater (more than double) that he would be obligated to pay based on his new income. We are awaiting our court date (in March) to have this sorted out. Meanwhile, with how much FRO is withdrawing, we cannot afford to pay any special/extraordinary expenses at this time. We clearly indicated to her our financial situation and asked her for some leniancy given this particular circumstance. However, she hears nothing of it (and/or doesn't care about the financial hardship we're currently having) and is demanding payment immediately. We informed her that if we are to provide her this extra payment for special/extraordinary expenses now (in an amount close to the current child support amount) we may not be able to pay next month's child support, as there will be no money left in the account for FRO to draw from.

        Her only recurring statement to us is "provide the money you are legally obligated to provide and do so now!" (Please note, she is planning a trip to Disney World in March, and yet claims that she too is experiencing financial hardship and hence that is why she needs the money now.)

        We tried to explain that this isn't an issue of whether she will get the money for these expenses or not, but rather an issue of when... now, risking not receiving next month's child support; or one month from now, and receiving next month's child support.

        She listed all the expenses she has, the majority of which were providing the child with clothing, toiletries, etc., and so we indicated that we provide these same things without anyone's financial assistance, unlike the child support that she receives to assist her in providing these same necessities. She retorted that it's our "choice" to provide these things. That is why I asked the question about what the 'common practices' are in regards to meeting your child(ren)'s needs while they are in your home during access weekends and holidays.

        Years ago, we attempted the practice of her sending clothing, toiletries, etc., with the child for access visits and holidays. Unfortunately, the child's bag, more often than not, consisted of old clothing, tattered and torn, stained and often too small, and often items were missing. If that wasn't bad enough, she would demand replacement or reimbursement if she found a "new stain/tear" regardless of whether it was there before and she hadn't noticed, or indifferent to the fact that children get dirty and spill things. We quickly learned that we could not trust her to provide the necessities the child needed, and began buying our own, for use in our home only. And that is how we got to the point where we are now.

        I'm curious to hear from other non-custodial parents, and see how things work for them. Perhaps there will be some ideas we may be able to implement. ;-)

        Comment


        • #5
          I know you asked for input from the non custodial parent but here is my experience. My ex is of the oppinion that he should not be paying anything (not a unique thought). I agree 100% that there should be things that are provided for both and that the living out of a suitcase idea stinks. But in the beginning this is what my ex wanted. I would send a few things but almost 95% of the time I didnt get things back or I would get old stuff that didnt fit etc. I wouldnt mind doing the laundry with my stuff for her. It is just hard on what I do have to make ends meet and I am thinking that I sure would like things back so I have too.

          Comment


          • #6
            That's a valid point, AtALoss. We are very careful about making sure everything is sent back. We know from experience that things hit the roof if there's an item missing, so we always double or triple check. Unfortunately, that doesn't work both ways. When we sent things with my stepson to his mom's house, we don't always get them back, and need to go out and replace the items. "He lost them" is the typical excuse as to why they weren't returned, and there is never ever an offer to replace them on her end. And I'm talking about necessities... such as hats, mitts, etc. Half the time, she doesn't provide them (we have an agreement to share winter attire, and alternate the purchase) and so we need to ensure the child is properly dressed during his time with us... by replacing the items she "forgot to pack." -Ooops! Our frustrations stem from the frequent "oops" senarios and from lack of trust, unfortunately. I wish things were different. It would save us so much money!

            Comment


            • #7
              In our situation we are very lucky to have a dollar cap on extraordinary expenses that can occur w/o written consent. We recently refused to contribute to lessons as my partner is on WSIB, I'm only p/t, legal bills continue to mount and we just don't have the cash. As far as asking for a bit of time to pay, can you just NOT pay her until you have it? Does it state in an order how prompt you have to be?

              In regard to NCP's residence we have done what you have done the best we can on a limited income. The mother sends the bare minimum of items that look like too small barn clothes. Kudos to her for providing winter wear. We have however had to purchase more clothes, set up rooms, toys, toiletries etc....and we know it's only a 1/4 of what they have at their Mom's!
              They have never brought anything to play with which was difficult in the early days as we hadn't built up much.
              Speaking of that, initially my Step-daughters wished to take home everything they rec'd for B'day & Christmas gifts and otherwise and we never saw them again. My partner let them as they wanted to but I nipped it in the bud because everytime we acquired a few things away they went. After explaining that it was best to leave them, as they would have toys & things here, they realized it was a good thing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Nope, there is no cap. Just a vague order stating that "the parties will share all special and extraordinary expenses outlined in section 7 of the guidelines as mutually agreed by them from time to time, or as this court shall order in the future." Since my husband is the child's father, the bio-mom expects him to pay at least half of every expense she incurs. We've made it very clear that we will only pay if we agree in advance and if we are provided with receipts and invoices. However, whenever we say that we will not pay for an expense (one we find unnecessary) you-know-what hits the fan and the battle begins all over again. It's quite frustrating.

                In regards to the clothing, toys, etc. that we have in our home for the child, we do not send it over to her house, because it's hit and miss if we ever see it again. She tried to argue that these things are the child's belongings and that he should be free to take whatever he wants back and forth, but after she failed to return several items, we told her that my stepson will not be bringing anything else from our home to hers until those items are returned. The items were never returned, and so none of our things go to her house anymore.

                The only things that go back-and-forth are winter jackets, snowpants, snowboots, hats and mitts, as we take turns buying winter attire yearly (or when the child outgrows the current set).

                Other than that, we have everything that a child living full-time in our home would require. And let me tell you, it's costly. That is why I'm curious to know how other non-custodial parents do it.

                Comment


                • #9
                  We have a room furnished, decorated, clothes and tons of toys for my stepchild, he always wants to bring things to his mommy's but we never saw them and we stopped letting things go. For the past little while she has been sending him to school in too small pants and shoes as she thinks that we will replace them. We do not have the funds to replace them at all as I am on EI and my husband is on workman's benefits. She stats she has no money for fun things...but she is always buying toys for him and going away on weekend trips

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I just wish more ex partners would get it that this sharing of the expenses is really for the child. Yes there are circumstances that limit what we contribute and maybe I am naive an idealistic but I like to think most of us just want to do the best we can by our kids. I think all or most agree with that. It is rough to have an ex that doesnt help.Just wish I would have got some allowance for expenses. My ex pays nothing to that end just CS& SS.
                    But then he have the nerve to tell our child that I should be spending 100% on toys for her. Yes she needs that too but at just over 900/mon it is not easy to keep a roof over our head these days. (yes I have worked over the last5 yrs but everytime he sticks his nose in and makes an issue objecting thru the lawyers about my jobs. I also thought after all this time 5yrs he would have gotten used to what has been dealt.(but he doesnt think I am entitled)
                    Sorry for the rant but frustration runs high.
                    I try daily to just focus on what is most important to me and that is her.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      we have always kept a furnished room with everything a child would need to live with us full time for my two step sons. We take in A LOT of hand me downs so that we can sift thru and find the good ones. My stepsons are beginning their teenaged years, so they don't need a lot of toys. We live on a farm so we purchase enough insulated rubber boots and winter coveralls for winterwear wich is lucky, because several years ago when we started the practice of washing the clothes that they wore from their mothers so that they can wear them home again (then we can't be accused of 'stealing' anything) their mom stopped sending any outdoor clothes other than a jacket. We gave up on signing them up for any extracuriculars, lessons, camp etc on our time, cause she'll go out of her way to outdo us (eg. planning a trip to wonderland on our weekend)
                      I think what your doing definately is common practice. I know how it feels to do as much or more for the child as the bio-mom, and still have her act like she is the only parent, the only one raising this child. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could shut off their emmotions and see fair and unfair just as clear as black and white? (and a little appreciation and understanding would go a long way, too)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        My kids arenot lucky to have all the comfort at my ex house.They have nothing over there and sleep on carpet.He never even bothers to put a clean sheet beneath them.My daughter has ezema which becomes worse when in contact with the carpet.He lives in a 4 bedroom owned house ( i am in a two bed rented apartment )and still kids don't have a corner in his house which they can call THeir's.They(3yr and 5 yera) come back unbathed,unchanged and unbrushed after each access visit.When my daughter asked him for christmas gift he replied ""I pay enough to your mom and she will buy it for you".To top up his current gf had a 12 year old before and now they have a 2 year old together.The 12 year old keeps on tellin my kids that HOW MUCH SHE HATES THEM and several times she even hit them.My ex makes sure that after all this my daughter says SORRY TO THE 12 Year old.

                        Everybody over here speaks about the special expenses but I never got even a penny extra for their dental checkups/dance classess etc .As per my lawyer I could get half of their dental bills but rest everything is covered in the CS

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          That is so horrible, Sufferer. I'm so sorry that your child must experience that when they visit with their dad.

                          It seems that I'm not alone in having to provide my stepson with all the necessities in our home. In addition, we also pay child support plus EVERY extraordinary or special expense (dental, prescription, activities, applications for documents, etc.) It is quite costsly, and it is outright frustrating when the courts don't realize how much most non-custodial parents actually do.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I understand your position STEPMOM ,its hard to be a good parent and you are an awesome STEP PARRENT.BUt I think the ex is squeezing you.I understand that you have to contribute in the medical expenses but rest everything is covered in CS.My ex never spend even a penny on the winter necessities for our 2 kids.
                            I hope everything gets sorted out for you

                            Comment

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