Looking for some thoughts here.
My partner has issues with his kids. One wont speak to him due to alienation, the other kid is hanging on by a thread. This is the oldest in early 20s away at school most of the year.
They've come to a head with school costs. My partner has been telling kid since last year how important it is to stay organized, keep track of everything, be responsible, etc. Kids answer was "ya ya ya dad I got it". Well, kid lost receipts, lied right to dad about them while spending time with him, refuses to discuss anything and is all around ticked that she has to be an adult about her education and costs. Mom encourages this behaviour and turns it back on dad and the kids stand behind her because its no responsibility with mom. He's seeing his lawyer next week to wade through this bs and I know his lawyer is going to have some tough love for him (read: Im not advising you to pay for anything that doesn't have proof behind it).
The last few weeks Ive heard a lot of "I still have lessons to teach my kids" and "Im still their parent regardless of how they feel" and now "I'm tired of fighting with them". He cant win even a little ground because his ex has waged a successful "your father destroyed your life" campaign with them. If he says no they hate him. If he says yes they continue to use him as a doormat.
His therapist has said the same thing I did--you cant give in to this behaviour otherwise it will continue. She has advised him to be firm and demand respectful behaviour. Told him it would be difficult and he would be the bad guy but that he cannot allow them to mistreat him or hold their affection hostage. His brain agrees but his heart doesn't.
Its caused some unrest in our house as his moods are running hot and cold. He will blow up about the dumbest thing and then realize what he's doing and walk away. Ive told him I wont discuss or tolerate this crap. But I also want to be supportive and help him work through this. Ive told him I side with his therapist and lawyer. That he needs to stop letting his emotions determine his behaviour. He was giving in the first three years of the divorce and it got him nowhere (it actually perpetuated this behaviour). Until he accepts that he cant change their minds, he's going to continue being obstinate.
How does he stay strong? What worked for you guys? How did you counter this? What can I say other than Im here for you?
My partner has issues with his kids. One wont speak to him due to alienation, the other kid is hanging on by a thread. This is the oldest in early 20s away at school most of the year.
They've come to a head with school costs. My partner has been telling kid since last year how important it is to stay organized, keep track of everything, be responsible, etc. Kids answer was "ya ya ya dad I got it". Well, kid lost receipts, lied right to dad about them while spending time with him, refuses to discuss anything and is all around ticked that she has to be an adult about her education and costs. Mom encourages this behaviour and turns it back on dad and the kids stand behind her because its no responsibility with mom. He's seeing his lawyer next week to wade through this bs and I know his lawyer is going to have some tough love for him (read: Im not advising you to pay for anything that doesn't have proof behind it).
The last few weeks Ive heard a lot of "I still have lessons to teach my kids" and "Im still their parent regardless of how they feel" and now "I'm tired of fighting with them". He cant win even a little ground because his ex has waged a successful "your father destroyed your life" campaign with them. If he says no they hate him. If he says yes they continue to use him as a doormat.
His therapist has said the same thing I did--you cant give in to this behaviour otherwise it will continue. She has advised him to be firm and demand respectful behaviour. Told him it would be difficult and he would be the bad guy but that he cannot allow them to mistreat him or hold their affection hostage. His brain agrees but his heart doesn't.
Its caused some unrest in our house as his moods are running hot and cold. He will blow up about the dumbest thing and then realize what he's doing and walk away. Ive told him I wont discuss or tolerate this crap. But I also want to be supportive and help him work through this. Ive told him I side with his therapist and lawyer. That he needs to stop letting his emotions determine his behaviour. He was giving in the first three years of the divorce and it got him nowhere (it actually perpetuated this behaviour). Until he accepts that he cant change their minds, he's going to continue being obstinate.
How does he stay strong? What worked for you guys? How did you counter this? What can I say other than Im here for you?
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