Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

How much control does a custodial parent have over access

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • How much control does a custodial parent have over access

    Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has recently gotten the access situation figured out and is taking his 2 girls as frequently as his work schedule allows. I have 3 children of my own and he has been involved with them throughout the past year. As he hasn't had access to his girls until 4 months ago my children and I have not had an opportunity until recently to finally meet his children. I was only a short visit with a fun neutral activity, tobogganing and hot chocolate afterwards at a local coffee shop. All 5 of the children had a wonderful time and it was a very positive experience. My bf wrote in the communication book about the introduction of us to his 2 children, explaining that he asked them if they would be ok with meeting us, there was no pressure and they were free to say no. They agreed and everything was fine. When thier mother read about the excursion she became very hostile in her response. She is not comfortble with me or my children being around hers and has thrown around some rather wild accusations.

    We have currently put a hold on more meetings as we feel that it could make things more difficult for everyone and we want this to be the most positive situation for all parties involved. Our plans are to eventually move in together but it is going to be a slow process as we want all the children to be adjusted to the changes as much as possible. I want my kids to get to know his and I also really want to establish a positive relationship with them. I have no intentions of taking her place as their mother and am not expecting them to call me mom or anything like that. They have a mother already and I am fine with them calling me by my first name.

    On another of my bf's visits he took the children to an activity that she felt was inappropriate and is considering reassessing his access which I feel is unneccesary. I do not feel that the activity was inappropriate and have taken my 3 children to the same event previously.

    I personally feel that she is trying to interfere and control what happens during his access and that seems rather inappropriate. I have custody of all 3 of my children and I have never tried to control what happens during the time my children spend with their fathers. It comes down to how I would want to be treated if my situation was reversed. However speaking as a mother I do understand how it makes her feel uncomfortable but sometimes you just have to let things go.

    I am just wondering if anyone is going through a simular situation or has any advice on this situation or any input on how much a custodial parent can control the visitation. This is becomming a very stressful situation and I refuse to let her control my life, and feel that the same applies to my bf. As long as what he is doind with the children doesn not harm them in anyway just let him enjoy his time with his children, instead of making him feel like he has to watch his every move.

    Anyway that is all I can think of for now, but there really is a whole lot more to this that would take me a week to explain.

    Thanks in advance

  • #2
    Your best bet to avoid conflict and not have to involve $300/hr professionals is to get a neutral third party who has been through this to meet with the ex and possibly mediate between her and your BF.

    I am thinking of, for example, another divorced parent from the children's school, or a relative of the ex who is divorced and reasonable. Ideally someone who has had to mix children in a similar situation.

    There's absolutely nothing reasonable about the ex's behaviour, but at the same time I think we all understand what she's feeling. She should just have a lot more restraint with those feelings.

    A court would not support her in the slightest, and she has no grounds to "reassess" the access visits. Frankly, if she continues with this level of hostility and control, and if she tries to restrict access, your BF has grounds to seek a change in custody. This would be an expensive, hideous fight with no clear winner, but the grounds are there to open it up. She is THAT wrong.

    She should be encouraging the relationship with the father at every opportunity. She should be completely hands off and with no opinion as to (legal) activities when they are with him. Your relationship together with the BF is none of her business. The children should be welcome to make friends and have playdates with anyone they chose. These things are all true, it is also true that the ex feels naturally threatened and her emotions have run out of control.

    I wish you luck, this is a very tricky situation. You can get a court order to have her keep her nose out of your business, but that won't heal anything. You can pay $300 per hour for a parenting co-ordinator or a coucellor, but that only works if she wants it to work. You can get a helpful third party involved. Your BF can draw a line in the sand and tell her it's none of her business and he has legal access and the children have a legal right to spend time with their father. You can try any or all of these things, it really depends on how sane the ex is.

    Also, you do say that the BF has "figured out" the access situation. Does he have a legal separation agreement? Is custody finalized? Has he spoken with a lawyer who is a family law specialist?

    The legal default at separation is joint custody. If the children are mostly living with the mother, that still doesn't give her any additional decision making or control. The father has absolutely equal decision making and rights. If she want's sole legal custody and guardianship, she has to prove in court why this is in the children's best interests.

    The courts will often give custody to the parent that shows they are the "friendliest", the parent who will willingly and helpfully encourage the children to have time and relationships with both parents. If one parent is working against this, they can have custody removed. It would be awful if it came to this, but you should keep in mind that the ex has absolutely nothing to back her up here and she is only hurting herself.

    Please document all this, try to get as much communication in email as possible (easily used as evidence) and remember it is legal to record phone calls.

    Comment


    • #3
      Short version: None

      Long version: read what Mess said.

      Comment


      • #4
        What your BF does with his kids during his access is no damn business of his ex's. Flat out stop putting any mention of it in the communication book, where all it does is fuel her unreasonable behaviour. Indeed, it is bad for the kids because her anger must be filtering down to them.

        You sound very child centred. Live your (private) life with your BF and keep protecting both your kids' emotional health.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thankyou all so much, this is all fairly new to me and my access with my kids fathers is very flexible, so I am a bit lost when it comes to restrictions with custodial parents. I try and make sure the children are put first as they are what matters the most. they need to have a positive relationship with both of thier parents, regardless of how each parent may feel about the other one. The kids will form their own opinions of each parent and family member they have in their life on their own. Rlationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins ect are also very important for the kids as well.

          She in my opinion is very far from sane and needs some professional help. I asked a person with some experience in co-parenting for some advice a couple of days ago and she suggested he write her a very polite, respectful letter. Not accusing anyone of anything, just firmly stating where he stands on the situation. I refuse to let her control my life and talked to him about that. I hope things start progressing ina more positive manner very soon. But, I highly doubt it. No matter who talks to her about anything she will only hear what she wants to and they would be attacking her anyway. Also she would think it was some sort if master plan of his to subject her to more of whatever term she feels like using on that day of the week.

          I will just stay calm and patient as things will eventually work oout.

          Thanks again.

          Comment

          Our Divorce Forums
          Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
          Working...
          X