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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 02-13-2019, 10:58 PM
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Money is a very big deal... to everyone whether they admit it or not.

Realistically one has to weigh whether they are better off paying the ex some money without a fight. You say you are at the start of your career so you are likely not making a 6-figure income yet. I believe the way the child support system is set up in Canada is that you pay in proportion to your respective incomes. You possibly are trying to save a buck or two (and will be scrambling to do so in the future) to set up child care in order to preserve the almighty 50-50?

I agree with others that you have to do with what is best for your kids. I know you probably agree but it drives you nuts that you will have to pay your lazy ex money every month for many years in the future. This is the reality of separation/divorce though. Generally speaking, the courts believe that children of separation/divorce are deserving to enjoy lifestyle that they would have enjoyed whether or not parents are separated. In an intact family, when parent(s) increase income everyone enjoys the fruits of the labor. If you read a ton of CanLii cases you will see the trend. This is customary in Canada at this time.

So instead of looking at the "glass half empty" perhaps you have to look at your situation as "glass half full" with regards to the children. Your ex isn't a monster and your children are not toddlers. You know that when your kids are with him they are ok. Your kids are old enough to call you on a telephone/cell phone if they are in a bad situation yes?

You are fortunate that you have an ex who is still willing to be a part of the kids lives. Many people, once they meet a new significant other, quickly brush off the kids from previous relationships. Again, look at the benefit of having "family" albeit someone who currently disgusts you, look after your kids when you are working towards your future (which will probably be quite spectacular).
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  #22  
Old 02-14-2019, 04:30 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Originally Posted by lorely View Post
Let me ask you something Kate331: do you have your family here and your kids spend time with them? Did you grow up with grandparents love around you and you built beautiful memories? This is totally offtopic. Maybe you will understand my point of view or maybe not.


I totally agree with you family is so important including extended family. I just donít understand then why you want to deny your kids that with their own parent. It doesnít make sense to me.

I am sure there is much more to your situation since you feel so strongly the children shouldnít be in a shared parenting arrangement. I do hope it all works out well for you and your family!


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  #23  
Old 02-14-2019, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
You possibly are trying to save a buck or two (and will be scrambling to do so in the future) to set up child care in order to preserve the almighty 50-50?

The opposite actually, she is trying to stop 50-50 and keep the kids full time so she won't have to pay offset.


She is painting it with the usual colours of course: Best interests of the children, terrible ex, he just wants the money, etc. Fairly typical case, but aggravating nonetheless.
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  #24  
Old 02-14-2019, 09:38 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Janus View Post
The opposite actually, she is trying to stop 50-50 and keep the kids full time so she won't have to pay offset.


She is painting it with the usual colours of course: Best interests of the children, terrible ex, he just wants the money, etc. Fairly typical case, but aggravating nonetheless.
Disagree with you- about 70%...from her posts- I see a mom/wife who busted her ass to study and work and better her family's life- and did most of the child rearing...and a spouse who thinks they married a cash cow- and is trying to milk everything they can. This isn't different from the typical situation where the dad (usually the higher $$$ earner) feels like he's being taken by a vindictive wife who wants to stay at home and eat bonbons. So he tries to stop the "gravy train". Who the fuck asks for spousal for future income if you're not actually concerned with money?

But where I think she's getting clouded in her judgment is the best interest of the kids. If he's not a threat or harm to him- let him have joint custody. If she has the means (and she does)- then pay a therapist (not a lawyer) to help come up with a parenting plan that makes sense for her kids.
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  #25  
Old 02-14-2019, 10:00 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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He could be asking for spousal as a way to negotiate to have his kids. There are two sides to every story and Im sure he would say some nasty stuff too.

My manís ex went out banging her drum about how he was abusive, refused to pay for shit, withheld support, disagreed with her decisions, lived off her income and wasnít there for the kids. All of it was a way to play the victim to get everything she could. NONE of it was true and she was reprimanded by a judge TWICE.

Even you iona, with an abusive ex, has made efforts to ensure your child has access to her father. You were threatened yet your response is ďI want my child to see her father but I want her to be safeĒ. This poster immediately mentioned cs amounts and spousal and then backtracked saying she would forgo cs.

Having been on this forum for about six years now, I can smell the bullshit. When someone comes here asking first about money and then explaining everything they are doing is in the best interest of their child, you can smell the shit. Letís see the boxes they check: distant, abandoned, abusive, cheap, child with special needs, etc.

Thereís more to this than meets the eye and I am with Janus. Especially when the kids can be shipped off to grandparents in another country for two months but canít spend every other week with THEIR DAD!
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  #26  
Old 02-14-2019, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by lorely View Post
Let me ask you something Kate331: do you have your family here and your kids spend time with them? Did you grow up with grandparents love around you and you built beautiful memories? This is totally offtopic. Maybe you will understand my point of view or maybe not.

Spending time with extended family is less important than spending time with parents.


The children have a right to maximum contact with both parents. If you choose to send the kids to your parents during your parenting time, that is your prerogative. However, you cannot make decisions that will adversely impact the other parents parenting time without their consent.


IMO your focus is all over the place. I see it being about money, than the suggestion that it is not. You suggest that it is all about money with your ex, but I bet they are making the same accusation about you. I also believe the ex is stating that his positions are also in the best interests of the children.


Quite simply, you believe that your position is in the best interests of the kids, because well.... it is your position. Your ex is taking the same stance. You can spend thousands of dollars fighting in court in order to receive an order than neither party likes, or you can negotiate in good faith an arrangement that neither party really likes.


There is no winning here. There are just levels of dissatisfaction.
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  #27  
Old 02-14-2019, 11:56 AM
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There is no winning here. There are just levels of dissatisfaction.
Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.

Good to see you still posting your advice. Hope you are doing well.
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  #28  
Old 02-14-2019, 12:13 PM
lorely lorely is offline
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Thank you so much for all the judgement, it's very interesting how people assume things even without knowing everyting.
Iona you read through. Bottom line will try to negociate, if we don't come to an agreement will move forward.
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  #29  
Old 02-14-2019, 12:26 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by lorely View Post
Thank you so much for all the judgement, it's very interesting how people assume things even without knowing everyting.
Iona you read through. Bottom line will try to negociate, if we don't come to an agreement will move forward.
Look- you're in for a rude awakening here if you think people on here are not going to pass judgment. They will. But also remember that the people here are actually a wealth (and I mean ca-ching $$$ wealth) of information. And the divorce process is long- and your lawyer will be expensive to bounce ideas off of. The people on this board? They are not expensive.

I know there is so much anger- so much indignity of someone trying to cash in on something they didn't earn. But get some help to deal with your anger and rage and hurt. Or call on your family and friends to help if they're near.

Then get some help to figure out a parenting plan that works for your kids. This is where those closest to you will not be a help- their judgment is just too biased.

Here's a tip from another professional woman who is 1 year into a gross separation. Therapists cost less than lawyers - and they help a lot more.
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  #30  
Old 02-14-2019, 01:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mcdreamy View Post
Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.

Good to see you still posting your advice. Hope you are doing well.

Thanks. Things are good here. Some changes here and there, but normal for most people in life.


To the OP, we are not being judgmental here. We know you truly believe your position, and bet your ex truly believes theirs. We are getting your side of the story, and most here are playing devils advocate in an attempt to help you better understand what you will be up against with your ex and their lawyer.


Is there a good chance your ex gets 50/50? We don't know. We have what you are saying, but we won't be there to see what evidence you have to back up your positions, and what evidence your ex will provide to refute those positions. You may feel that it is in the best interests of the children that they reside primarily with you, but feelings aren't evidence and judges generally don't care about them. You will need to put your feelings to the side and prove to a judge why your recommendation is in the children's best interests should you end up in court.
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