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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 02-10-2019, 04:28 PM
lorely lorely is offline
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Question regarding joint custody for two kids of 11 yrs and respectively 8 yrs old, the 11 yrs old with ADD, I have been the primary care-giver financially and physically, my ex claims that he is the one that took care of the kids while I was going through equivalency for my licence in Canada (which is not real at all,I struggled all along and worked full time at the same time, him being a typical eastern European man). He wants shared custody for the child support purposes , I would have to pay him couple hundred monthly, otherwise if residential it's with me he would have to pay big time. I told him I don't need not even a loonie from him, I managed up to now paying everything. He just wants that because he wants to punish me. I told him he has open access to them, both kids need stability, specially our son. He has an alcohol issue as well.
How can I get the residential with me? I am just thinking of the best of the kids. Also he was to restrict us to stay in the area of 25 km around just because he wants it, I tried to reason with him in regards to the time of high school and what is the best for the kids but there is no way of reasoning.
I woud appreciate any advice.
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Old 02-10-2019, 05:19 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Huh? My bullshit meter is kind of wiggling now. In your other post you presented that you are a practicing dentist in early career. Now you indicate that you have 3 kids - one special needs. So how did you get through university and "physically and financially" pull things off?

You are not yet licensed in Canada?

Sometimes in life we make choices.
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Old 02-10-2019, 05:26 PM
lorely lorely is offline
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I have two kids, one with ADD, licenced in Canada, went thorugh the direct licencing and working at the same time.....studying at night and taking vacations from work before the exams for reviews. I hope this helps
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:19 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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I have 2 special needs kids. What's the status quo now, who are the children living with and whats the access schedule? Usually a Judge doesn't want to upset that. Child support is the right of the child, so even if you can support them financially you should expect to pay or be paid.

If you were working during the day, and studying at night who was taking care of the children? I assume the children are in some sort of school daycare program while you both worked, but during the evening while you were studying can I assume he was?? I too go to night school, and if I don't hire a helper/sitter no studying is getting done.

As far as stability for your special needs child, a week about schedule for them would be more stable then the EOW 1 day a week schedule or an open schedule (although I have never heard of an open schedule, who would want their ex dropping by all the time) its less transitions for the children. In my experience its the transitions that are difficult for special needs children, they don't cope well with disruptions in their routine, and I believe longer stretches of time in each home alleviates this, so do school/daycare pick up and drop offs. Also key is the daily schedule which is ideal if they can be mirrored in each home (I know easier, said then done) there are agencies out there that can help you.
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:34 PM
lorely lorely is offline
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We were both getting home at 6 pm, they were both in daycare/before and after school. I would cook, clean, feed kids and put them to bed, after that self study. I would fall asleep with my head on the books. If he would stay with them, the TV would be on and sitting on the couch. Sort of a baby sitting. He went couple of times to zoo and museum and he put that in the application as he took them everywhere to let me study.
For now we are under the same roof, house on the market. 6:30 pm he is in bed, on the days when I work late hours (two days a week) as soon as I enter he goes to sleep. He does not contribute at all to their care, by any means. Historically he used the money that were in RESP for the oldest because he had access to the account.
About the daily schedule this is really hard, ipads and TV it's the only way he knows to spend time with them, which I read here that each parent has its own parenting ways and no kne can hold the other one accoutable for what they are doing on their time with the kids.
Everything comes down to money for him because up to know I provided and took care of the bills and kids and he run the credits.
He has a drinking problem and even after the judge said for hkm to refrain while withbthe kids he is hiding qnd drinking even with the kids under his care. I can not trust him having the kids and without someone watching what he is doing.
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Old 02-10-2019, 09:03 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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He was still parenting, even if it was sitting on the couch watching TV with them while you were studying. Zoo and museum, still parenting and makes him look like an awesome parent. Its a he said, she said situation. You are correct you cant tell him how to parent if he chooses to use ipads (which I know are troublesome for special needs children) or the TV.

He may be in for a rude awakening when he eventually has to set up his own home and pay his own bills, I remember it being difficult for me.

I agree the alcohol use is concerning, this could be a child protection concern. Is CAS involved? If they dont have a problem with it either will a Judge. You cant "police" your ex unfortunately.

I think your in for an uphill and costly battle.
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:28 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You want to refuse shared custody because of the child support purposes too. The difference is you donít want him to get his way.

The kids are 11 and 8. They arenít breast feeding infants (and even then they should still see both parents). So what if he was a crappy husband and lazy father. Heís still their father.

Agree to shared custody and get over yourself. Stop using excuses to reason out why he shouldnít be with his kids. Your children deserve both parents equally.
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Old 02-12-2019, 08:29 PM
lorely lorely is offline
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I want what it's best for them: stability and safe environment. I did not say I don't agree with visits and time they spend with him, he is still their father. It's not about his way or my way from my end. It's what it's best for the kids and they deserve the best.
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Old 02-12-2019, 08:57 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Whats best is equal time with both parents or what the courts like to call maximum contact. Hes their father regardless of how you feel about his parenting. Just because you did all the cooking and cleaning doesnt mean he cant be a good parent if he had to do it along.

Thatís what is best for the kids. Both parents.
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Old 02-12-2019, 09:26 PM
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I think everyone will agree itís best for children is to have an equal relationship with both parents from the get go.

Separation/divorce is hard enough for kids, then to have a parent just visit? Where is your logic there?

I know first hand the stress level for a parent with a special needs child. Not to mention the burn out rate, Iíve been there many times and have resorted to residential care.

I donít mean to sound derogatory but I call them ďSuper MomísĒ they fake they can do it all, yet their falling apart inside. I just donít understand any parent not jumping at the chance to share parenting responsibilities.

Does it bother me sometimes that are parenting skills are different? Yup, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses. Denying your child that when you have a parent willing to do I donít get it.
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