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  • How to respond to lies

    Since many of you here have crazy ex's I figured you may have some good advice on how to handle lies told to your children.

    My ex often blames me for things that he has done. As an example, my daughter gave me poo-poo the other day for taking her and her sister out of a school they really liked. Daddy told her it was my decision and that's why she can't go back. The truth is he wanted their school changed so they could be closer to his house and I only agreed after mediation. And I fought it hard.

    What do I respond to stuff like this?

  • #2
    Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
    Since many of you here have crazy ex's...
    Everyone's ex is crazy.

    Well first, talk to him about it rather than just what your daughter said so you get your facts straight.

    Then talk some more.

    In the end, tell your daughter the (age appropriate) truth, but not to shift blame, only to explain the reason behind the move.

    Comment


    • #3
      Yep, on my last access before daughter (4yo) goes for 3wks vacation with mum, she (daughter) told me that she was not ever coming back to see me. I had to explain calmly that of course she was, after her vacation. Sometimes she says that she loves only mummy, not daddy (but the hugs and cuddles are still there). Once it was something horrific (CAS fodder). These statements are all strangely detached, and they come out more often when some conflict/issue has arisen. My ex is unfortunately not so good at keeping her anger to herself.

      I just keep calm and constant, and be the one that gives the straight goods, the ones that make sense.
      Last edited by dinkyface; 07-13-2011, 05:19 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        I agree, age-appropriate truth. Preface with "Daddy might not have explained that very clearly..."

        Also, don't shy away from having a "family" dinner at a restaurant and bringing up some issues to clarify with the child with both you and your ex present.

        When my ex starts pulling tricks like that, all I have to do is threaten her with a family dinner.

        Comment


        • #5
          There is nothing you can do to stop your ex from lying. He'll probably lie more to spite you. Being lied to can have a devastating effect on the children. They will figure it out eventually, unfortunately, they will lose respect for the parent lying to them, and this will hurt them also. If you consistantly tell the truth, they will come to you with the lies told by the other parent, don't trash the other parent, tell the truth, but not in a way to tarnish your ex. You have to remember, in the end, all this will be moot, and you will have well adjusted children who will be good parents.

          Comment


          • #6
            [
            Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
            Since many of you here have crazy ex's I figured you may have some good advice on how to handle lies told to your children.

            My ex often blames me for things that he has done. As an example, my daughter gave me poo-poo the other day for taking her and her sister out of a school they really liked. Daddy told her it was my decision and that's why she can't go back. The truth is he wanted their school changed so they could be closer to his house and I only agreed after mediation. And I fought it hard.

            What do I respond to stuff like this?

            To protest to the kids of your innocence will confuse them more. Just re-direct by saying things like "That's not how I remember it happening.", or "I think Daddy and I disagree on how it happened."

            You don't have to eloborate on who said what - just say you disagree.
            Don't nvolve them in adult problems. Period.
            You do that - and it will work out in your favour in the end. I believe that with my entire being.


            Originally posted by billm View Post
            Everyone's ex is crazy.
            Amen!

            Originally posted by Mess View Post
            Also, don't shy away from having a "family" dinner at a restaurant and bringing up some issues to clarify with the child with both you and your ex present.
            Wow. I only wish this sort of thing could happen. There would be emergency helicopters hovering overhead, with fire, medical, and police all responding. Then Lawyers. LOTS of Lawyers.

            Comment


            • #7
              "Wow. I only wish this sort of thing could happen. There would be emergency helicopters hovering overhead, with fire, medical, and police all responding. Then Lawyers. LOTS of Lawyers."

              @Wretched.... I roared @ ^, this would be pretty similar to what would happen if my ex and I ended up in the same restaurant.

              Comment


              • #8
                I have images of a team of lawyers rushing in with haz-mat suits and plasma cannons a la Ghostbusters.

                Comment


                • #9
                  My suggestion would be to not include in any form of response ‘daddy’s versus mommy’s’ position. No disrespect to Wretch but I wouldn’t say anything like “I think Daddy and I disagree on how it happened”. Since we don’t know your children’s ages, you may want to say something along the lines of, “The decision to change your school was made after careful consideration by both your father and I. It was a really difficult decision for both of us because we know how much you and your sister loved the school you went to, and we both want you to be happy with your school. Sometimes though, parents have to make some tough decisions that may not make sense, but know that both your father and I love you and your sister very much and we will always try to do things that we think are best for you. ” If you’re pressed and asked as to ‘why’ the decision is made, I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that you both made the decision so that the kids could be closer to daddy’s house and that they will, as a result, have more opportunities to see him. Again, and obviously, your response will need to be age appropriate.
                  The major point here is that the decision, at least for the purposes of your children’s ears, was a united one. You may very well have fought hard at mediation to not change schools but at the end of the day, the outcome is that you eventually ‘agreed’ to it. Just as Highroad said above, kids will figure out the truth eventually and they will lose respect for the parent lying to them. Tell the truth but don’t trash the other parent.
                  Sounds like with your ex’s lying, he is a “Pig with Lipstick”. Don’t worry, in time, the lipstick will wear off and his true colours will show…haha!
                  Good luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I like the truth. Always have. Do your kids know the reason 'why' they have changed schools?

                    I would tell my kids that, yes, I did take them out of that school and move them to another because Daddy would prefer having them in a school closer to his house. No mention of court, no mention of disagreement, just the facts. The truth. And both names get mentioned in the decision, so there isn't blame.



                    Oh, and I can't wait to see the show of hovering law enforcement when I go back to work.....where my ex and the woman he left me for also work.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by High Road View Post
                      There is nothing you can do to stop your ex from lying. He'll probably lie more to spite you. Being lied to can have a devastating effect on the children. They will figure it out eventually, unfortunately, they will lose respect for the parent lying to them, and this will hurt them also. If you consistantly tell the truth, they will come to you with the lies told by the other parent, don't trash the other parent, tell the truth, but not in a way to tarnish your ex. You have to remember, in the end, all this will be moot, and you will have well adjusted children who will be good parents.
                      This is kind of why I need advice here. Attempting to tell the truth without making daddy look like an ass isn't so easy Especially for me - I'm not the most eloquent speaker so I have to think about things first. I don't feel like it's something I can completely let go otherwise, how will they ever know the truth? But it is very important to me NOT to bad mouth their dad either.

                      Unfortunately, it is NOT possible for me to communicate with my ex. If I were to mention this he would freak out and find some crazy way to say it WAS my fault that the girls are in a different school. He's delusional. So not possible.

                      The best one was after he assaulted me in front of the girls because I had the nerve to ask for my laptop back, he told her that "Mommy can't come near Daddy because when she talks she starts an argument with Daddy and makes him angry". Nice one. It's my fault he went into a blind rage and assaulted me in front of our children over a simple request.

                      I'll try the "I think maybe you misunderstood what daddy said...". But my 7 year old is likely to respond with "No, daddy said...". She remembers everything and she'll know exactly what he said.

                      I know that one day they'll see through all this crap but it SUCKS to be the one to keep your mouth shut.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        To protest to the kids of your innocence will confuse them more. Just re-direct by saying things like "That's not how I remember it happening.", or "I think Daddy and I disagree on how it happened."


                        Excellent wording....thanks. I'll put those in my tool belt.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Fuming View Post
                          My suggestion would be to not include in any form of response ‘daddy’s versus mommy’s’ position. No disrespect to Wretch but I wouldn’t say anything like “I think Daddy and I disagree on how it happened”. Since we don’t know your children’s ages, you may want to say something along the lines of, “The decision to change your school was made after careful consideration by both your father and I. It was a really difficult decision for both of us because we know how much you and your sister loved the school you went to, and we both want you to be happy with your school. Sometimes though, parents have to make some tough decisions that may not make sense, but know that both your father and I love you and your sister very much and we will always try to do things that we think are best for you. ” If you’re pressed and asked as to ‘why’ the decision is made, I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that you both made the decision so that the kids could be closer to daddy’s house and that they will, as a result, have more opportunities to see him. Again, and obviously, your response will need to be age appropriate.
                          The major point here is that the decision, at least for the purposes of your children’s ears, was a united one. You may very well have fought hard at mediation to not change schools but at the end of the day, the outcome is that you eventually ‘agreed’ to it. Just as Highroad said above, kids will figure out the truth eventually and they will lose respect for the parent lying to them. Tell the truth but don’t trash the other parent.
                          Sounds like with your ex’s lying, he is a “Pig with Lipstick”. Don’t worry, in time, the lipstick will wear off and his true colours will show…haha!
                          Good luck.
                          Can I shrink you and put you in my pocket? That's a great response. I wish I were as eloquent. It's so hard.

                          Good point too. Eventually I did relent and change the school because I believed it would be the best decision for the girls (the reason for the change was so that it would be easier for him to take them when I had to travel for work - which he, of course, refuses to do now that the change has happened).

                          And unfortunately, my ex wears that long-lasting kind of lipstick and re-applies frequently so it will take a LONG time before it wears off.
                          Last edited by HappyMomma; 07-14-2011, 11:03 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by billm View Post
                            Everyone's ex is crazy.
                            .
                            Surely there must be SOMEONE out there who does not have a crazy ex.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Mine's not crazy, incredibly frustrating/makes me shake my head and go WTF were you thinking????!! at times but overall....not crazy.

                              Comment

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