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  • #16
    i did read your original contribution. thank you. a bit has transpired since. i started another thread with omg! and it got moved to the general chat board. im sorry i posted on the wrong board but it was a followup to this thread.

    i think my friend is about to go nuts. i dont know how im going to be implicated but i get the feeling he wont by counting on me for anything much further. i think hes making massive mistakes. i didnt like her but she has been a really good mom.

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    • #17
      This doesn't make sense. The types of allegations your friend is making will not enable him to avoid paying support. No judge is going to say "well, dad says mom is a mentally ill alcoholic, so her kids shouldn't receive financial support from dad". If anything, these antics will give him more financial responsibility, because if mom is such an unfit parent, why isn't dad taking over primary responsibility for the kids?

      These kinds of allegations (I'm going to assume they're false) are the sorts of things people say when

      a) they're trying to get sole custody of the kids by making the other party out to be a neglectful or dangerous parent; or

      b) they're in the grip of rage and not thinking clearly and just trying to spread as much poison about their ex as possible.

      Given what you've said about the situation, it sounds like the second is the case.

      You don't have to support your friend if he's acting this way. If the opportunity presents itself, you can point out that he is going to find himself in a world of hurt if he's lying about his ex in legal proceedings. He needs to calm down, put on his big-boy pants, and think more about what's good for his kids and less about how much he hates his ex.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by WEC View Post
        got out of my last meeting a few minutes early. noticed my post was moved. sorry if i posted on wrong board... thanks for your response dtd. to answer your questions: mental illness? never appeared the case. my friend always described her as the center of his world and how much he loves her. alcoholism? aside from a drink or two provided by him, at every function i saw her manage not only their kids but everyone's kids. it was a bit of a running joke that 'entertainment' didnt need to be hired if she was coming. she kept all the kids pretty busy and they loved her. sexual abuse? from her son? no. ive never gotten a weird vibe from him. helpful, smart, funny and usually assumed the role of a server whenever we all got together. a really sweet young man.

        my friend always described her to be everything to him. he never complained about her capabilities to care for children and i certainly witnessed that capability. he always talked her up to be incredible. i dont know what my friend is about to do if he hasnt already. it concerns me i feel stuck. and i feel sick.

        i guess im asking what will happen to her if he does do something stupid. will the kids be taken from her and will she be investigated? criminally? civilly? i think this is wrong but struggle with what he implied earlier today. havent seen him since and im kinda glad. what will happen to the boy's future if hes charged criminally for a bogus offense? he wants to be a lawyer.

        is any of this allowed in family law? what are the laws? more importantly what are the holes in the law if hes planning on strategically basing his case on these types of accusations to avoid support obligations? how can i talk him out of it if i heard him right? i dont know if hes implemented any action but i am truly left with a chilling sense. why would i as a long-time friend encourage reasonable mediation if i suspect underhanded maneuvers to get her to agree to 20 access.

        will she be robbed of the 3 little kids until this settles? what is she up against? do i have to listen to my friend and support what i think he'll do when i dont see a basis for it? based on my own experience growing up i cant think that this will be good for those 3 little girls.
        Respectfully, stay out of it. It isn't your fight. Be a friend and supportive, but don't get involved. Make sure she has a competent lawyer.

        You or I can't predict how it will play out. Accusations of this type would normally go to the CAS for investigation. They will determine whether or not there are any issues to risk custody.

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        • #19
          Yeah...on being a friend and being supportive: not at all sure that I could - or would even want to - be friends with someone who would participate in this kind of thing.

          Tell him how you feel and what you really think of what he's doing and then stay out of it. If this is a 'friend' you're dating....you may want to consider if this is the type of person you really want to be around.

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          • #20
            If you really want to know who someone is...watch them go through a divorce.

            Your friend sounds like a giant ass and I'd reconsider my friendship with him.

            However, as far as their case goes if she has a competent lawyer, she'll most likely be fine. Judges hear this nasty, salacious nonsense every day. What matters is evidence...if he doesn't have any, its not going to come to much. She may end up with some stress and a bigger legal bill than necessary but she'll probably be fine.

            Ultimately, there's nothing you can do anyway. I'd do my best to stay out of it.

            If you talk to him, I'd advise him to be fair to the mother of his children. In the best case, she'll ignore him and it won't get him anywhere and if she retaliates, it could get messy and expensive for both of them and that's always bad for the kids. Also tell him to consider what happens after the divorce is over. If he attacks her in this way now, how easy is it going to be for a custody evaluator to suggest co-parenting? And if they do, how much conflict will they have in trying to co-parent? If you friend had any sense of decency, he'd be fair and consider the needs of his children....not his need for vengeance. So many parents don't consider what happens after the divorce order is signed.

            If you ever talk to her, the only thing I'd say to her is congratulations. Sounds like she's getting rid of a real piece of crap.

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            • #21
              OP, I've merged your two threads (hopefully, successfully).
              Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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              • #22
                mcdreamy im new here. I dont understand. reading the rest of the contributions next. im feeling pretty sick about what i thought was a respected good friend.

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                • #23
                  His entire life and a very large part of identity is in the process of being attacked and destroyed. You will see a lot of changes in your friend, most likely.

                  Offer support but keep your distance. This is much bigger than you think, and the divorce process will probably last several years. If he survives that, he will have to figure out how to pick up the pieces of his life and start all over again.

                  When mine hit my entire adult life was rebooted. I was back to living in someone's basement, living off minimum wage. I lost every penny, every stick of furniture, the big house, the car, most of my time with my son and a large portion of my sanity. The only thing I had left was my job, my family and looking forward to time with my son. I was also lucky enough to meet someone new who was also going through the same thing and we supported each other... without getting too involved in each other's divorces.

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                  • #24
                    His entire life and a very large part of identity is in the process of being attacked and destroyed. You will see a lot of changes in your friend, most likely.
                    Divorce is one of those major life complications that often reveals someone's true character. You'll see people in divorce who are fair despite whatever the other party does...and you'll see those who get as nasty just to cause as much havoc as possible. You'll even see 3rd parties to the actual spouses getting involved in their divorce proceedings just to make the situation even worse.

                    In time of high stress, people resort to their base nature. It isn't unusual to see sides of people you weren't exposed to before.

                    If you really want to see how nasty people can be, go talk to a Estate Attorney who deals with Wills and Trusts. I would argue that the stuff that goes on between greedy relatives after people die would rival some of the nastiest divorce cases.

                    I think you should consider it fortunate that you figured out what kind of person this guy is...now you can eliminate him from your life before he turns on you like a pitbull at some inopportune moment.

                    Comment

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