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  • #16
    Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
    Also, has anyone gone the mediation route? Did it work, are there any tips to share?
    Mediation only works if the 2 parties are willing to work towards an agreement. Your ex says no to 50/50, you want 50/50. It doesn't sound like either of you will budge. Ergo, mediation will be useless.

    I wouldn't bother. There is a good change the mediator would take the ex's side (gender biases still exist) and lean on you to capitulate.

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    • #17
      So, I finally spoke to a lawyer with a good reputation in family law and they said to try a parenting mediator and if that doesn't work then we will have to go through the courts. Because I am active in the children's lives and can provide well for the children's needs will go a long way.

      Thanks again everyone for providing your feedback. I feel a little less overwhelmed.

      Comment


      • #18
        With regards to things you can do:

        Keep on the high road. Don't sling mud. And don't give into accusations. Politely disagree with her opinions. Judges hear everyday on how the ex is the worst person in the world. Yet she married you? Had children with you? Judges don't buy hearsay of your ex, nor is your ex a professional to provide any opinion of weight.

        Keep your nose clean and act like everything you say and do will be presented to a judge. No arguing at exchanges. Be prepared to be secretly recorded so always keep your cool.

        For courses, Ottawa Family Services has courses that are fairly cheap. It doesn't hurt to sit in a class on an evening when you don't have the kids. These courses are even designed to help you better communicate with your ex and navigate a new reality. Don't be a lackluster dad (which you aren't). And what I mean by that is REMAIN pro-active in your kids lives. Be an assistant coach. Volunteer for their activities, etc..

        An assessment will add 1-1.5 years to your ordeal. And if your ex is steadfast that you should not get 50/50, they will just stick to their guns regardless of the outcome. Same will happen in mediation. A mediator cannot force a decision. What we are trying to say is, be weary of wasting THOUSANDS trying to negotiate with someone who won't accept 50/50 and thinks they can carry on their merry way while you watch from the sidelines. Too many of us have been through the scenario where the ex doesn't agree to 50/50 and starts with the allegations.

        Never, ever agree to sole custody to your ex. There is no reason why it should not be joint. Custody means DECISION MAKING AUTHORITY in relation to your children's education, religion and medical needs. Ex's often want sole custody. It is about CONTROL for them.

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        • #19
          You can also ask for a no custody order to either one of you which is the new vogue terminology happening now in family court

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
            Does anyone have tips for improving my chances?
            Honestly, if you are as involved as you say you are, you are almost certainly going to get 50%.

            The only way for you to lose is to agree to lose. The next couple of months will be exhausting. You will be emotionally drained. Financially it will also be difficult. They will dangle a carrot in front of you...

            "Agree to 40%, and all the emotional and financial difficulties will go away"

            It will be hard to say no. 40% is almost as good as 50%, so why are you killing yourself for that 10%?

            I'm telling you though that the 10% is all the difference in the world. It is absolutely worth all the crap you are about to endure.

            Remember, no judge is going to order you at less than 50%, the only way that happens is if you agree to it.

            What to do in the meantime:
            • Involve yourself as much as possible with the children
            • Document this involvement
            • Be wary of being alone with the ex ever
            • Be careful about anything you put in writing, this includes text messages and emails to the ex. Assume that every text will be read by a judge. (every bad text at least, she won't show the nice ones)
            • Become known to the teachers (if your kids are school age)
            • If kids are school age, see if you can rent or buy near the school. As in, walking distance. "20 minute drive" is not close, especially if mom is 5 minutes away.
            • Start saving money so you don't go broke
            • Do not move out of the house for any reason


            You should also find something to do that is fun and physical. Gym memberships, ultimate Frisbee, road cycling, squash. Something. If you get emotionally run down, you might give up, and that's how you lose.
            Last edited by Janus; 11-27-2019, 12:05 PM.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
              And if your ex is steadfast that you should not get 50/50, they will just stick to their guns regardless of the outcome.
              His ex makes more than he does. If she agrees to 50/50 she has to pay child support. She is not going to accept 50/50.

              Mediation is useless for these two.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
                @iona6656 - she perceives the way I speak as anger and raising my voice. I grew up in a loud house and sometimes that is what works although it is not yelling. I did used to get angry but when I went to counselling my person identified that anger was my default reaction for what I was really feeling. Ever since this was brought to my attention I have been able to better reflect the emotion I am feeling at the time. My kids have noticed a significant improvement.
                What caused you to go to counselling? what was the instigating event?

                How long have you been in counselling? what type? Anger management?

                Have you ever been charged with anything? were you required to take PARS?

                Has anyone outside your wife and children witnessed the "raising" of your voice?

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Janus View Post
                  His ex makes more than he does. If she agrees to 50/50 she has to pay child support. She is not going to accept 50/50.

                  Mediation is useless for these two.
                  If she makes significantly more- and has a support system so that she doesn't have to pay housing/mortgage expenses.... She can- and most likely will try to out litigate him.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                    What caused you to go to counselling? what was the instigating event?

                    How long have you been in counselling? what type? Anger management?

                    4 months more general counselling. I initially sought help for the anger and now that it is WAY better I am seeing the same person to help getting over the affair she had and dealing with the separation

                    Have you ever been charged with anything? were you required to take PARS?

                    Never been charges and I don't know what PARS is

                    Has anyone outside your wife and children witnessed the "raising" of your voice?
                    She claims that strangers have approached her and when I asked she only gave 1 vague account.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                      If she makes significantly more- and has a support system so that she doesn't have to pay housing/mortgage expenses.... She can- and most likely will try to out litigate him.
                      - I do have a support system so that if I do run out of money the kids and I will have accommodations

                      - I just don't see why this process needs to drag on? I am an excellent father to my children. Would I like to eventually find another partner YES but is that time now NO - my new little family will need to settle into our new normal.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
                        - I just don't see why this process needs to drag on?.

                        Because that’s how the courts work. Which is why others have said get your motion filed. Get in front of a judge as soon as possible to get the kids with you equal time. Then you can battle out over the agreement. As long as she is forced to stop dictating the time you get the better off you are.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          Because that’s how the courts work. Which is why others have said get your motion filed. Get in front of a judge as soon as possible to get the kids with you equal time. Then you can battle out over the agreement. As long as she is forced to stop dictating the time you get the better off you are.
                          - I don't know if this matters right now but we are still living in the same house and keeping the same arrangements.

                          - Neither of us has plans to move out

                          - If she did decide to move and take the kids what happens? Can she legally do this given no one is in danger. I don't expect this to happen but if it does I will definitely need to file ASAP.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by SingleDad2Kids View Post
                            She claims that strangers have approached her and when I asked she only gave 1 vague account.
                            is that a "no" to all the other questions I posed?

                            Do you guys fight in front of the kids?

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Never been charged and we are careful to move to another room or wait until the kids are asleep before talking.

                              People keep asking if the kids know something is going on and we both say NO. As far as the kids are concerned everything is great!

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Whoops, I mixed you up with another poster. Ignore my get the kids back comment.

                                The process does take a while though.

                                Comment

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