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Possibly divorcing over narcotic dependancy

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  • #16
    Originally posted by ddol1 View Post
    The narcotics can kill a person bit by bit on the inside and since I use this medication because there is no alternative treatment to manage what for me has become severe chronic pain. I have dealt with pain for 25 years now, just had my 11th surgery and I follow a very closely monitored program that I willingly accept. I have seen many specialists if nothng else to confirm that the narcotics are indeed the only real option which gives both my GP and myself a little bit a security knowing that we are making the right decisions for me.

    I have been using the strong pain pills for 9 years now - and my daily and weekly average goes up and down and I see the psychiatrist and the social worker and my GP actually devotes the first half of my appointment to stay on top of me, the person who is doing their very best to be the best person I can be for my family and especially our kids. Thankfully my kids are now older but I fully understand that it is not just one person who suffers from this - every person in the household pays a small price in this.

    To be frankly honest, of the last 20 years that I have basically gone alone in this, the one single thing I regret is when I lost my ability to cope with what I had in the past always managed, I have learned that the time in which I needed my wife, my partner, the very most; actually it is easy to say that I needed anyone in my life, my wife couldn't be that person. So if there is even one more go, one last try and you are willing to give 100% - Your wife will need to commit 200% and if what has happened in your lives up to now hasn't rang her alarm bell - nothing will. It is a simple way of looking at a complex issue but there really is one answer (IMHO - having been there alone)

    I suggest you make an emergency appointment with her GP, I would hope that you will be able to have an open conversation but this will mean having to bring your wife along to give her permission for her doctor to discuss this very personal issue. You have a minimum requirement regarding your wife moving forward and as you put it you can't force her to the help but you can put it blank in her face. This is a public forum so without the detail if I were your wife I would want this, sometimes a doctor being point blank with the patient, your wife, that she may actually hear - she has no choice! She (here I can't say what I want - I just do not know your details) This is her last shot, she has to be given the chance, maybe the last of her many chances but this new doctor will be a big part of her solution.

    You must really want this for it to work or it will not. Your wife will need to actually hear that she has a chance but for you to move forward she really doesn't have a choice.

    I was born and raised in Kingston, Lots of memories.
    Thank you for the advice, I love my wife I hate what has happened. Emotions sometimes makes us forget that, or me anyways.

    Up until now I haven't really shared this with anyone. Its extremely hard to do this alone. My wife is a good person, I've spent sometime researching and see how this can happen to just about anyone.
    My next move is her Doctor, I have an appointment Thursday with just myself and the Doctor. I don't want to bring my wife just yet and make her feel like we are "ganging" up on her and she shuts down and wont be open.

    We have made some progress, she has expressed a hatred to my job. It takes me from the house 21days at a time. I then return for 14 then gone again for 21 days. I can see how this is hard for her. Things to think about. If my job is part of the problem then maybe I should look for something that keeps me closer to home. Or if they would move to Alberta it would allow me to be home daily 365 days a year. I doubt they will want to move and the thought of a career change at 42 is not overly attractive to me. BUT if its the underlying problem then it might be for every ones best interest.

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    • #17
      Have you put her to an ultimatum of rehab or divorce? I know it is not the most pleasant scenario, but it may show her how serious you believe this issue to be.

      But what you need to do is stop acting somewhat defeatist. Unless you regularly work out of town or work rediculous hours, you argue for shared custody and 50/50 parenting time. You will likely have to pay her support still, but it will be offset.

      There is no more reason for her to have the house than you. It is matrimonial property and either spouse is entitled to it. One of three things will happen:

      1. the house is sold and the proceeds are split between the two of you.

      2. you get the house but have to buy your ex out her share of the equity in the house.

      3. she gets the house and has to buy you out of your equity in it.

      The vacation house, well that is likely going to be a casualty to divorce. It happens, and it isn't the end of the world.

      But focus on your kids. Be superdad. Be a buffer between them and your ex when she is out of it. If she gets aggresive with you, call the cops!! Don't sit there and take it. It is bad for you as you have to take it. It is bad for the kids as they have to see. And it sets a bad environment in general. And I bet she'd call the cops on you if roles were reversed.

      If you see the relationship start to really sour or you are both living in the house during the divorce, protect yourself by having a digital voice recorder on you at all times in the house. Journal all your involvement with the kids. If you made them breakfast, helped with homework, took them to baseball etc. Don't list what you ex doesn't do. No one cares. Just list what you do.

      And start cutting your ex off. Close joint accounts and open a new one in your own name. Pay for the utilities out of that account. Transfer enough money into the joint account for the household needs.

      But otherwise, let her know that this is serious. Tell her to make a choice, the drugs or you. But protect yourself, your kids and your relationship with the kids.

      Oh, and most importantly DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!!! I don't care how bad you feel or what sword you want to fall on. If you move out, you are essentially telling the world your ex is the primary parent of the kids and you will have a high chance of getting the every-other-weekend-daddy-screwjob instead of 50-50.

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      • #18
        For better or for worse. This is worse. Do everything you can to get her the help she needs before you consider divorce. Separating from her with her in this state is not good for your kids at all.

        Can you suggest they move out west for a year, to try it? Get her medical help out there for the addiction of course. Or take a leave of absence from your work for a few months to live with your wife while she tries rehab? Sell the vacation home to finance it if you have to. You'd lose it anyway in divorce. This business of you being away from the home for so long is probably incredibly stressful, and she's found narcotics are the stress-reliever she can't cope without. With you around more, suggest that she find a part-time job. She may find this a boost to her self-esteem and give her some confidence to beat the addiction.

        Drug addiction is a powerful thing. Without the right help, many addicts choose drugs over family. I say choose, but it isn't really a choice for them. It isn't lack of love for you or her kids, it is the potency of addiction. If she's that affected, giving her the ultimatum of divorce isn't going to help her. Different people need different motivations, and you need to help her find hers.

        We are a divorce forum; what you need is a support group for family members of addicts. They'll be able to give you much better suggestions for coping and helping her. All we can do is give you tips to prepare for the worst case scenario that she can't beat it and you do give up on her and get divorced. Which would be to make your children your priority, as none of this is their fault and they are so vulnerable to it but powerless to affect anything.

        Good luck.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
          Have you put her to an ultimatum of rehab or divorce? I know it is not the most pleasant scenario, but it may show her how serious you believe this issue to be.
          I disagree, wholeheartedly. The only guarantee that EVER comes from an ultimatum is that one person WILL come away unhappy and resentful of the other party.

          As well, this tactic typically means that one feels they are in a position of authority over the other which entitles them TO issue an ultimatum. It's a control mechanism used by those who feel a lack of control over the other person and the situation. They are equals and should be treated as such.

          Ultimatums should NEVER be used in a relationship, for any reason whatsoever.

          I absolutely agree with speaking to her doctor. He will not be able to discuss the patient specifically, however can certainly listen to his concerns and offer suggestions on how to proceed.

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          • #20
            I agree with Blink. If you give your wife an ultimatum me or drugs, then you had better be prepared to follow through on your threat. It's no different than telling the children "wait until your father gets home". If you don't act upon it, then it falls on deaf ears.

            When children grow up they don't tell their parents I want to be an addict. Addiction no longer becomes a choice but a way of life. Unless you have lived with an addict, have children that are addicts or you yourself are one it cannot be turned off with a switch.

            Often when narcotics are prescribed for pain one quickly realized that's not all they are getting from this drug. It can either calm them down or hype them up and experiencing the pleasure is usually what continues them to seek more. By the time they realized the hole they are in their drug of choice is needed just to stay normal.

            Remember the song "Mother's little helper" by the rolling stones....many will not (lol) I remember it well and that's what it's about..her little pill to help her cope. Check the lyrics.

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            • #21
              Agree with Rioe.

              Your separation, her lonliness would certainlyi be a big problem but one you can resolve. Making a move would make sense. A move would get your children closer to you and then if the marriage did fail that might be one less thing to worry about.

              Very good variety of easily accessible drug rehab programs here in Alberta.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by Lorac View Post
                I agree with Blink. If you give your wife an ultimatum me or drugs,
                I agree with the principle, ultimatiums never work and based on the media I would believe drugs and addictions, the person who suffers may have reached the point where they are not in control and may not be able to make the decision loved ones pray for. What you can hope for is for a person to perhaps reach the point that they are ready to give freely to the help that is available for those who are ready.

                If you reread my post, I actually worded it carefully in that she doesn't have the choice and this is because in this case it is he himself who is placing the ultimatium on himself, not his spouse. She doesn't have a choice because this post really was directed at him and him alone. She is going to have to accept HIS choice. What I did indicate is he must be in this 100% or the result he prays for really doesn't have a chance. His 100% is to be there for her, example - this will include relocation or new employment as he states later on.... very good example of understanding what will be required of HIM to give his marriage a chance - if there is a chance left at this point. You are going to eventually make those choices but at the same time remember that your entire family at least for the mid term is going to depend on his financial support alone.... may not be the best time to quit a job unless you feel very strongly in a position you have secured here before.

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                • #23
                  sorry I wasn't referring to your post dd but to Hammer as was Blink

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                  • #24
                    Off to see the Doctor today at 10:45

                    You know that feeling you get that something is going to happen?
                    My wife is suspicious and it's making me nervous. Cloudy and rainy today kinda like my life at the moment... I got a feeling today is not going to be a good day.

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                    • #25
                      I finally decided it was time to put my cards on the table. Living like this is total BS. I am an adult not a child and it's time to behave like one.

                      I asked her if we could just speak for 5 mins, no yelling name calling ect, she agreed and we went to sit at the kitchen table. I told her I loved her very much, I hated the way things are and what we have become. We are like strangers sharing a house, actually strangers would be nicer.
                      So I basically said I wanted to work with her and get her off the morphine. It was starting to effect everything and now the kids so it's time to get some help.
                      Well.... it did not go well at all. She hit me twice, threw my coffee cup at me ( I ducked and it smashed the coffee maker pot and the cup) She got right on the phone in front of me and call our lawyer. She demanded he see her today, she wants a divorce. She told the kids we are done, they can start packing up there stuff. My daughter cried and my son told her to go to hell, he would never leave the house.
                      It was a total disaster, I am so ashamed of myself for letting it get out of hand when the kids were upstairs and could hear.

                      What to do now? Short of putting a sign on the front lawn to let the world know she is hell bent on divorce now. ( I think she thinks it will happen in a few weeks/months) I wont leave my house, I'm not the issue here. If I was a drunk or a cheater perhaps, but I paid for the house and I'm not screwing up the marriage. Besides someone has to take care of the kids and she isn't doing much of that.

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                      • #26
                        Read The List. Protect yourself and your kids.

                        As you've known for a while, this relationship is done. You've put a fair amount of emotional and sweat equity into it, but it takes 2 people to work at the relationship to make it work. If she is unable, there is nothing you can.

                        Now, instead of focusing on the relationship and why it failed or what, if any, failings you may have, you take that energy and focus on the kids. Do your best to shield them from the BS.

                        Keep a digital voice recorder on you at all times to protect yourself from a false DV claim. I have a feeling she isn't above it.

                        She will quickly learn that the lawyer she called (which you called "our lawyer") cannot do anything as they have a conflict of interest. She will need to find other counsel. Same goes for you.

                        But protect yourself. Do not engage with her. If she hits you or throws something at you again, call the freaking police!!!! Being Mr. Nice guy in that regards is only going to get you hurt.

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                        • #27
                          Sorry to hear it didn't go well. Do they have something like Ontario Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Commission? If they do maybe call and you might get redirected to people who have experience with this. I was involved with an intervention many, many years ago and it was a horrible experience. Is there any place where the kids could stay for a while that your wife would agree to? Friends, relatives?

                          Hang in there.

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                          • #28
                            I know it will be difficult but I'd call the police today and file a report (or go down to the police station and do it might be better because of the kids).

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                            • #29
                              you are right, the marriage is done. It's just hard to accept
                              I'm kinda old school and my vow's actually meant something to me. It was not something I did on a whim. I really wanted to spend my life with her.

                              We are supposed to go on vacation Friday, if I take just the kids and leave her home it's not considered child abduction is it? We live at the same address she would know exactly where we would be. Go or stay home and fight with a unreasonable person. I can just see me arrested at the airport for kidnapping. Oh that would be grand, I wouldn't be employed very long.


                              Ontario has addiction counsel but its very hard to get someone in to it against there will

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                              • #30
                                Mr Worthless:

                                I'm very sorry...you and your children have my sympathies.

                                But protect yourself. Do not engage with her. If she hits you or throws something at you again, call the freaking police!!!! Being Mr. Nice guy in that regards is only going to get you hurt.
                                This is very good advice. Your ex is having issue and seems erratic and unfortunately, your duty at this point is to your children...so you need to start getting ready for a contentious battle in court.

                                Like suggested, read The List...and then do exactly what's on it. Feeling sorry for her right now is going to be something you can feel but it can't govern your actions or you could be risking a lot more than just your marriage.

                                I really admire you trying to so hard to help someone who's having depency issues...its unfortunate it didn't work out. Protect your kids and best wishes!

                                Comment

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