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Points to ponder - involvement of new spouse/step parents

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  • Points to ponder - involvement of new spouse/step parents

    I've seen a lot of comments about step parents involvement in the bigger situation between divorced persons. And I wanted to comment on a couple of things to stimulate some healthy conversation.

    I've seem too many comments about step parents involvement that are mere blanket statements - they shouldn't get involved or they are too involved or whatever. I typically only see black and white most days but I do know this: if it is right, it is right, it is right. It doesn't matter who said it, who wrote it, or who thought of it first. This includes the new spouse or step parents! When we place restrictions or try to evoke imaginary boundaries on who can sign an agenda or who can pick up the kids (when it is the new spouse) we are really flexing our muscles and trying to create control where we have none. This is FACT. I will drive my point further by saying I don't think any parent, divorced or not, would ever complain about a math teacher helping with English homework, so why the hell do we care if it was dad's idea or the step mom's as long as it makes sense?

    Now, that is not to say there isn't a whole lot of subjectivity going on out there. And I would think that is where we all get into a lot of trouble in our thoughts and actions. But if we break things down most often it is MUCH simpler than we make it out to be.

    I personally am of the opinion that my husband and I are in this together. We do everything together in fact, and sometimes one of us is a bigger decision maker than the other depending on the issue at hand. However, WE decide in the end TOGETHER that this is what works for us. Truth is, WE are in this relationship together, the other marriage has been dissolved.

    And another thing to consider. Many of these "relationships" between divorced couples is tantamount to bullying. There is power in numbers and it is to most people's best interests to bounce ideas off other people. Especially ones they love and respect enough to know that they will tell them the truth, even if it it hurts or not what they want to hear.

    I think we need to stop looking at the source of who it came from and who is involved and consider more if it will achieve a good and positive end. Hell, if it works, go for it. Stop flexing muscles and leave the need to control situations that we really have no control over.

  • #2
    An honest post^.

    You and the father = 2. How fair is that for the mother I wonder?

    So you think the mother should have to accept you as part of the decision-making process regarding her children? What happens if you and the father of the children cease to be a couple?

    I think I heard the other day that 2nd marriages have a 60% rate of failure.

    In another areana (divorce and SS) my ex's g/f (spouse/whatever) would like nothing better than to deal with me.

    I'm game!

    Comment


    • #3
      I've seem too many comments about step parents involvement that are mere blanket statements - they shouldn't get involved or they are too involved or whatever.
      Blanket indeed, what these people fail to see is that the moment they decided to drag a 3rd person into their lives as "new partner" (cos obviously it's not for the kids), you involved them in some way. Isn't it the same "new partners" that some end up going after for double dipping CS?

      So it's kinda silly telling them to "butt out", and then turning round later claiming they stood in loco parentis

      This is FACT. I will drive my point further by saying I don't think any parent, divorced or not, would ever complain about a math teacher helping with English homework, so why the hell do we care if it was dad's idea or the step mom's as long as it makes sense?
      Funny analogy (assumption that English teacher can teach Maths), but I see your point.

      and consider more if it will achieve a good and positive end
      These are the parting words

      Getting married again? Why people will want to do this all over again is beyond me...I understand some people always have to be with someone (afraid to be alone), can't go to the movies / restaurants by themselves, or even pay their own bills.

      Well, the stats speaks for itself

      But the statistics reveal that second or later marriages are much more likely to end in divorce. Why is this so?
      Last edited by FWB; 01-22-2014, 09:07 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        [QUOTE=Serene... personally am of the opinion that my husband and I are in this together. We do everything together in fact, and sometimes one of us is a bigger decision maker than the other depending on the issue at hand. However, WE decide in the end TOGETHER that this is what works for us. Truth is, WE are in this relationship together, the other marriage has been dissolved.
        [/QUOTE]

        Ah yes but you weren't there when the children were conceived or born were you?

        The other marriage may be dissolved but the children of the marriage remain. They have a father and a mother. You are neither. You are the wife/common-law spouse of the father of children. Simple really.

        You probably play a very important role in the raising of these children. By marrying/cohabiting with your current partner you knew the deal at the onset.

        Good step-parents are a godsend to children. You will be rewarded in your afterlife.

        Comment


        • #5
          I think its more the issue of the step-parent being too involved with the legal aspects of the situation.

          Comment


          • #6
            I have to say that I cannot imagine being a parent to someone else's children. I cannot fathom the difficulty step-parents must face with trying to be quasi-parents in a time when the two parents act like idiots.

            While I abhor incessant interference by anyone (other than parents that created children or spouses as it relates to a marriage) in legal issues, it stands to reason that kids have to be taken care of. Often the step-parent assumes the traditional role of mother/father or "housekeeper and nanny." That's when the problem usually starts. In many cases, the father/mother is only too happy for someone to assume the role of his/her former spouse. He/she makes the money and naively expects things to continue on in a smooth manner. This is exactly where the problem starts.

            The new spouse/nanny/housekeeper is thrown into a situation of "defending the man/woman" simply for financial reasons. The breadwinner has no time, or interest, to deal with the details required in organizing a sound appeal for a review of child custody/spousal support review. The new spouse has skills which enable him/her to do the research.

            Before you know it the new spouse is totally involved in the litigation.

            Comment


            • #7
              You and the father = 2. How fair is that for the mother I wonder?
              Mom has her own support network. I never suggested that it was "teaming up" on mom. Although, I can now see how that could be assumed...

              So you think the mother should have to accept you as part of the decision-making process regarding her children? What happens if you and the father of the children cease to be a couple?
              No I never inferred she must accept me or accept me as part of the decision making. In fact, you have propelled my point a little further. Her opinion on what we do in our house is for the most part irrelevant. I don't need her "acceptance" or "permission". We are free to manage our home as we deem appropriate.

              I will add more context to my initial point: mom often puts in her emails "I bet your wife is writing these emails" and even if I was, who the heck cares? They aren't emotional, they aren't crazy, it could be as simple as "we will pick up the child at 4 pm for the dentist app" and mom is fixated on who wrote the email? Silliness!!!

              And if mom calls and needs to know something and dad says "I have to check with [my wife] and get back to you" that also sends mom spiraling into a tailspin. Although, it is normal to check with your spouse on schedules, etc. Again, this is not about what this is about. REPEAT!

              And truth is, I do make decisions for THEIR children. I do this every day! Get over it lol. I make their meals, typically buy their clothes, I do lots of things for them. It doesn't matter to me who's kid they are, they are in MY care even when they are in OUR care. Do you see my point? This is also called making them feel at home - they are treated exactly the same as MY and OUR children.

              Ah yes but you weren't there when the children were conceived or born were you?
              I have no idea where you are going with this particular statement. Who cares? Again, if it is right, it is right, it is right!

              I will give you a "for instance" - the other day I was taking my step children to school. One started a coughing fit on the way there and the child told me that their throat hurt. I made a decision - Yes me, the stepmom, made a decision about and for one a child that I wasn't there when he was born and who's child isn't mine... I went to the pharmacy and got him some throat lozenges and some cough syrup. He was 28 minutes late for school as a result. I signed him in late and the world didn't stop spinning. He did stop coughing though! It was the right thing to do.

              It didn't make it wrong because I wasn't there when he was born, I'm not his legal guardian, mom, etc. I didn't even ask dad's permission by text or email mom. I just did it.

              The other marriage may be dissolved but the children of the marriage remain. They have a father and a mother. You are neither. You are the wife/common-law spouse of the father of children. Simple really.
              I never ever suggested I am their mother or father. In fact, I claim my status as stepmother quite honestly and openly.

              I will tell you an interesting story about this very topic that happened not too long ago. I went to the school to pick up the youngest in September. As it was the beginning of the school year we are meeting new teachers. When I was walking to my car with child in hand a teacher yelled out "[child's name's] mom" and I turned around. The teacher was talking to me. I approached the teacher and she wanted to tell me about an incident that had happened at school that day... I quickly corrected the teacher and said "oh, I'm not his mom, I'm his step mom" and the teacher then twisted her face and said "so you want me to address you as stepmom?". I laughed and said that she could call me whatever she wanted (including by my name lol) but that I wanted to make the distinction because the child has two homes and I didn't want her to mistakenly think I'm his mom... my point here is that she had a message to give. It didn't really matter who it was given to and it would have been given to anyone picking up the child. The teacher didn't care that I was supermom, stepmom or bio mom....

              And as the spouse of my husband, we make decisions together. That is the simple reality. Whether ex wifey likes it or not.

              Comment


              • #8
                I wish you were my stepmom! You obviously care a great deal about "the children." I do note that you do not refer to them as yours. Perhaps you are simply afraid of stating that on this forum?

                I made my points just to give you some perspective on how the mother of the children might feel. In order to manouver through life's ups and downs with adversaries [let's not kid ourselves here, the mother is indeed your adversary at this point] one should try to understand where they [in this case, the mother] are coming from. She divorced the father of the children and probably naively expected to maintain control over the children in perpetuity. She likely did not factor a step-mother into the equation.

                From what I have gleaned from your posts so far, the father has (like my ex) put you in a situation of basically dealing with the ex. The problem, as I see it, is not so much as a problem but with the ex as your husband lacks the XXX's to deal with his ex as it pertains to his children.

                You are in an unenviable situation that is for sure.
                Last edited by arabian; 01-22-2014, 09:53 PM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Serene -

                  I completely understand where you are coming from. I really do. You're there, she's not, you're in charge - it makes perfect sense to me.

                  But - one thing to remember is that a lot of us seem to be dealing with ex's that love drama, pick on the idiotic details and are generally, causing us grief in one way or another.

                  In my particular case, my high conflict ex has attracted an even higher conflict wife. So, he was difficult and a royal pain in the ass - and then he met her. She feeds him the crap he delivers to me. The very first time I spoke with her she told me if I called back she'd call the police.

                  So, my position on the other side is - hell if it weren't for this crazy a$$ed wife, we'd be much closer to reasonable than we are. She took his craziness to a whole new, and costly level.

                  She also overstepped huge boundaries. She took my daughter for her first bra...and she didn't go to sears or target - she went to la vie on rose and purchased her lace push up bras with removable padding. My daughter was eight.

                  I really only wish she brought stability, sanity and genuine concern for my daughter to the table, but she did not. Kudos to you for being grown up and handling your role with complete and total competence.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    push up bra? La vie en Rose? Last time I bought a bra there it was over 100.00! Hilarious (to me cause I don't have a daughter).

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I wish you were my stepmom! You obviously care a great deal about "the children." I do note that you do not refer to them as yours. Perhaps you are simply afraid of stating that on this forum?
                      For clarity on this forum I make the distinction. In every day life I do not label any of our children. They are simply just "ours" unless it is necessary to make the distinction.

                      I made my points just to give you some perspective on how the mother of the children might feel. In order to manouver through life's ups and downs with adversaries [let's not kid ourselves here, the mother is indeed your adversary at this point] one should try to understand where they [in this case, the mother] are coming from. She divorced the father of the children and probably naively expected to maintain control over the children in perpetuity. She likely did not factor a step-mother into the equation.
                      From what I have gleaned from your posts so far, the father has (like my ex) put you in a situation of basically dealing with the ex. The problem, as I see it, is not so much as a problem but with the ex as your husband lacks the XXX's to deal with his ex as it pertains to his children.
                      Incorrect. Dad deals with mom most often, which is rare given she won't talk to him or anyone else. Most is done in writing and is done jointly to ensure there is no emotion and nothing that could be misconstrued by mom.

                      You are in an unenviable situation that is for sure.
                      I beg to differ. I have a happy home and a wonderful husband and marriage. And we have five children to love.

                      While I abhor incessant interference by anyone (other than parents that created children or spouses as it relates to a marriage) in legal issues, it stands to reason that kids have to be taken care of. Often the step-parent assumes the traditional role of mother/father or "housekeeper and nanny." That's when the problem usually starts. In many cases, the father/mother is only too happy for someone to assume the role of his/her former spouse. He/she makes the money and naively expects things to continue on in a smooth manner. This is exactly where the problem starts.
                      I cringed when I read this! I'd like to think we are a much more modern family and that I'm not compared to a housekeeper or nanny lol. I do most of the meals but I can tell you we ALL do the housework! Even the kids! And yes - THEIR kids too!

                      I would have hoped that we aren't so narrow minded to continue to allow old traditions replicate themselves. And we can't so easily dismiss a woman into household chores and for a single father to replace his wife with a new one. Honestly, this kind of talk drives me mad.

                      For the record, dad was a fully capable parent regardless of who he was with - wifey 1 or wifey 2. And if I or the child chooses to have me put them to bed or do homework that does not mean that dad wasn't present or involved or willing. Its these kinds of ideologies that get us into deep waters. Again, take a step back and just take it for what it is as sometimes its just another loving adult doing things for and with a child. Yes, it can really be that simple.

                      The new spouse/nanny/housekeeper is thrown into a situation of "defending the man/woman" simply for financial reasons. The breadwinner has no time, or interest, to deal with the details required in organizing a sound appeal for a review of child custody/spousal support review. The new spouse has skills which enable him/her to do the research.
                      I do my best to try and gather information for us to make informed decisions. No harm in that. And for the record, the breadwinner is ME! lol

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by arabian View Post
                        push up bra? La vie en Rose? Last time I bought a bra there it was over 100.00! Hilarious (to me cause I don't have a daughter).
                        There's an outlet here in town - definitely not that expensive there.

                        But, no it wasn't funny.

                        Serene is too reasonable to understand just what some step parents may do to make bad situations ten times worse.

                        I really only wish my daughter's step mom was as reasonable and caring. The mother of my daughter's sister is a wonderful woman. We keep the girls very connected and I have zero concern when my daughter is with her.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          So, my position on the other side is - hell if it weren't for this crazy a$$ed wife, we'd be much closer to reasonable than we are. She took his craziness to a whole new, and costly level.
                          Nah... he'd have picked another equally as crazy assed wife lol

                          She also overstepped huge boundaries. She took my daughter for her first bra...and she didn't go to sears or target - she went to la vie on rose and purchased her lace push up bras with removable padding. My daughter was eight.
                          Okay, take a step back. It IS in poor taste. However, was dad okay with this? I would think he was...I would never do something my husband wasn't comfortable with. And I would think if I did do something he didn't like, he'd be the first to call me out on this - even with his ex. Honestly.

                          I was in a similar but different situation. One of our boys asked me some questions about sex. He obviously felt comfortable in asking me and the only reason I felt uncomfortable answering them was because I thought mom would probably take issue with me answering them. I was right, she sent an email about how we can't answer questions before it is taught in school blah blah blah...

                          But I did answer them. And I did so honestly. I wasn't about to turn a child away who was curious and his curiosity was age appropriate. And the information I gave him was TRUE! I've also been in similar situations with my children's friends who have had questions about sex, and I've answered them too. Again, the parents might not approve of it but I did not do anything wrong. I will accept we might have different opinions on this issue but I am comfortable with what I did and in truth, there was less "sex" in my answering these questions than is in most television shows these days...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I recall your statement last week (Jan 17) that the judge had to tell you to not follow the ex-wife out of the courtroom:


                            Serene: " Most interesting is that I stood up to leave the courtroom to use the bathroom. The court room we were in was VERY small given it is rural. And I had to pass directly behind dad who was still sitting where the lawyers normally sit. The judge was still in the courtroom but court was not in session. I went to put my hand on dad's back as I know he was shocked at what just happened and the judge yelled at me to sit down. I point this out as it was obvious throughout the day that while the judge wasn't particularly pleased with mom she afforded her every opportunity to confer with her two lawyers and her partner, but dad was not permitted to speak to his partner and there were no lawyers or duty counsel for him to speak with."

                            I make my remarks based upon your own posts.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Serene View Post
                              Nah... he'd have picked another equally as crazy assed wife lol



                              Okay, take a step back. It IS in poor taste. However, was dad okay with this? I would think he was...I would never do something my husband wasn't comfortable with. And I would think if I did do something he didn't like, he'd be the first to call me out on this - even with his ex. Honestly.

                              I was in a similar but different situation. One of our boys asked me some questions about sex. He obviously felt comfortable in asking me and the only reason I felt uncomfortable answering them was because I thought mom would probably take issue with me answering them. I was right, she sent an email about how we can't answer questions before it is taught in school blah blah blah...

                              But I did answer them. And I did so honestly. I wasn't about to turn a child away who was curious and his curiosity was age appropriate. And the information I gave him was TRUE! I've also been in similar situations with my children's friends who have had questions about sex, and I've answered them too. Again, the parents might not approve of it but I did not do anything wrong. I will accept we might have different opinions on this issue but I am comfortable with what I did and in truth, there was less "sex" in my answering these questions than is in most television shows these days...
                              Dad was too disconnected to notice. My daughter wasn't okay with it though. She was only 8 years old and really not in need of one at all. She was really still in the camisole/sports bra stage.

                              But eventually, the whole bra thing in general became a huge issue in their house. Apparently there was an altercation between the three of them - dad held her down while step mom forced her into a bra - so it's a much deeper, disturbed issue than a simple off the cuff purchase with overall good intent.

                              I have no issue adults being caring individuals for anyone's kids. They need to be surrounded with it, in my opinion. But, some people are just plain toxic and bring nothing good whatsoever to the table.

                              Comment

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