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Double Standards in Parenting

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  • #16
    Originally posted by Stillbreathing View Post
    A child psychologist told me to use the following line with my teen when they were being obnoxious and it should work with your ex too. Simply say
    “Thank you for sharing that”. If they say something idiotic again repeat the words , thank you for sharing that. Keep repeating this sentence like a broken record after every critique leveled against you. Works liked a charm and they quickly stop criticizing as they’re not getting the reaction they want.

    For example

    Ex: You are a lousy parent
    You: Thank you for sharing that
    Ex: what’s wrong with you? You let them play video games all day. It’s going to give them brain cancer
    You: thank you for sharing that
    Ex: you feed them too much candy. They are getting fat and their teeth will fall out
    You: thank you for sharing that
    Ex throws hands in the air and walks away
    You smile.
    Brilliant. Practical and brilliant. Thank you for the share.

    Comment


    • #17
      Abba, with all due respect, you stumbled on this forum for advice at the end of your case and then went a little “whole hog” on advising others and making pronouncements on what people should and shouldnt do. You have also continued to exacerbate petty disagreements with your need to have the last word.

      Many of the people who are regular posters have been here for years. Personally I started coming here in late 2013 early 2014. In the beginning I asked for advice only, sharing experience and seeking out tools gleaned from experience. It wasn’t until I had spent several hours with a lawyer and weeks on research sites that I started giving information (not advice) to those in similar situations to me.

      I also have over 20 years of therapy from my parents ugly and painful divorce. My mother had borderline personality disorder and was the child of a PTSD survivor and a manic depressive mother. My father was abandoned twice in his formative years. My parents hated each other all their lives after their first split in the 70s. When I give therapeutic advice or recommendations to seek out support its not some glossed over mantra. I have seen and experienced enough trauma as a result of divorce that I know and understand the symptoms and the treatment.

      Yes there are options for treatment. People who have EAP through work or a good doctor who can refer are lucky yes. Most municipalities have a family service that offers mental health supports and counseling. You CAN find it if you actually go and look. This is where my husband went and his counselor was phenomenal. I also note that he was much like you. Didn’t think it was him, accused his ex of being crazy and the problem, always wanted the last word. What he learned was he didn’t have to go to battle. He could walk away, ignore and let it go.

      Your posts and responses as well as LF’s demonstrate two people fresh off conflict who do not know how to operate without that conflict. Your animosity and approach to dealing with Janus is a big red flag to this behaviour. You do need to see a therapist if only to learn tools about what is or isn’t judgement as well as walking away or not having the last word.

      You do a disservice to many of the people here who are victims, who have worked hard to get out from under that umbrella and those who are coming here for legitimate advice and support.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by rockscan View Post
        Your posts and responses as well as LF’s demonstrate two people fresh off conflict who do not know how to operate without that conflict..
        My post is about how to deal with my ex who is controlling, conflict-driven, and vindictive. I had hoped for smoother waters and hate conflict, and came to this forum for guidance on how to deal nastiness towards me, whether it be her belittlement of me as a parent, going out of way to restrict time with kids, unilateral decisions, or double standards in parenting.

        So the advice to date:
        Therapy: check, they think she's nuts
        Ignore her: OK, so wear ear plugs during exchanges
        Respond: Say "Thank you for sharing that with me"
        Escape: Imagine her as Super Mario

        Honestly the best solution is to avoid contact with her. Tayken had the best advice which is to limit interaction with your ex. Our parenting schedules will evolve to the point where we dont see one another as all exchanges of the children are at school so my issues are temporary.
        Last edited by LovingDad1234; 05-12-2020, 09:58 AM.

        Comment


        • #19
          This post is in Parenting Issues for a reason

          Your legal advice is often superb
          I invited yet another lecture from you I guess.
          Thanks I’ll take what I can glean as helpful.
          Fresh off conflict? 20 years of it.
          But you would not know because of your assumptions and superior experience.
          Last edited by Abba435; 05-12-2020, 11:18 AM.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by Abba435 View Post
            This post is in Parenting Issues for a reason

            Your legal advice is often superb
            I invited yet another lecture from you I guess.
            Thanks I’ll take what I can glean as helpful.
            Fresh off conflict? 20 years of it.
            But you would not know because of your assumptions and superior experience.

            And you have just proven my and a number of others’ points about control, having the last word and getting over yourself.

            Good luck in your endeavours, you’ll need it.

            Anyone looking to follow any of this poster’s advice, take a beat and seek out some additional wisdom from anyone else.

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by rockscan View Post
              And you have just proven my and a number of others’ points about control, having the last word and getting over yourself.

              Good luck in your endeavours, you’ll need it.

              Anyone looking to follow any of this poster’s advice, take a beat and seek out some additional wisdom from anyone else.
              And the last word goes to ? Really? I have been schooled.
              Thank you and stay safe.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
                Hi All,

                How do people out there handle double-standards?
                The simple answer:

                We don't. We tune out the noise until something relevant comes up and respond only to that.

                Originally posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
                It is as though she is upset I bring back the kids with smiles on their faces.
                She is. The goal is to bring you down when you and the kids are content. Ignore it. It loses the 'fun factor' for her when she gets zero reaction.

                It also appears, from the examples you posted, that she is over-informed and as far too many details about the goings-on when the kids are with you. It's one thing to make her aware that the kid is not feeling well and is taking 'X' medication, it's another thing entirely to go into any detail about taking the kids to the store to get it, or any of the other details.

                If she is emailing you re: video games, ice cream, what you had for dinner or any other nonsense, no response is required. Ever. If there is a piece of relevant info buried in the emails, respond only to the relevant item and filter out the rest.


                That being said, just because something is simple, doesn't make it easy. Don't read her emails right away, the chances of there being something so urgent that it needs immediate attention are very low (anything urgent or an emergency would be a phone call). Read the emails when you want to, write your response, sit on it for a while, re-read your response and make sure it's what you want to reply with before hitting send. Use the time to filter out anything you don't need to say or respond to. Practice this consistently and refuse to be ruffled by her attempts to pick at you.

                Then YOU can enjoy the satisfaction of her frustration knowing that her blah blah blah has zero effect on you.

                Comment

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