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  • Changes in current Order

    I have been involved in court for over a year now with my ex regarding our daughter, 19 months, and now our son, 6 months. We were separated and court was initiated by him before the birth of our son.
    To date, all court appearances have been left with an access agreement for him (for our daughter only) based on the judge's insistance that we "aim for shared/joint" custody. I have had a problem with this due to the lack of their dad's ability to put the kids interests first...and all efforts are placed on proving his ability as a father, or my inability as a mother. I am on maternity leave with our son, in my own home, with less than the guideline support (for ANY circumstance) being paid by him to me. Therefore I cannot afford a lawyer, although i know it would be in my best interest to have one..... i just do NOT have the means.

    I'm looking for advise based on the fact that I am trying to do what is right and BEST for the kids; a stable and consistant relationship with each parent. Right now the schedule for our daughter is based on his work schedule. (he works 24 hour shifts and they change each week, but are the same throughout a 28 day cycle, if that makes sense). It is not all that consistant, based on her age. Also, he has told me that he uses "his time with our daughter as a way to keep her from me". He does not watch our daughter, but rather leaves her with family or his new gfriend. I don't mind about needing a "sitter" from time to time, but if the majority of, for lack of a better term, "his" time (and by majority i would say more than 40%) is not spent with him, I don't understand how this is acceptable.

    The other thing I am struggling with is that my ex REFUSES to let me know of anything, and i mean ANYthing about my daughter while she is in his care. A judge made a comment once that while the child is in his care, she is his responsibility and i think my ex is taking that way too literally.

    I don't want this to be perceived that it is about me making him out to be the "bad guy" obviously there are issues between us, otherwise we would still be together. I don't understand how, based on his absolute defiance and inability to communicate if a court will allow the current situation to continue. ?

    In regards to our son, as per the advise of a parenting coach (that did not work out due to above mentioned "issues between us"), i offered situations for him to spend time with his dad to form a healthy attachment after which he could commence a visitation schedule based on our son's eating schedule (i'm nursing). this was dismissed and is now saying that i'm keeping his son from him because i won't allow him to be taken for hours on end to a whereabouts i'm not privy to. (again, not trying to keep tabs on my ex... but i do like to know if my kids are in the city)

    Any suggestions or comments are appreciated. We are returning to court in Oct for another case conference to address all of the issues that have been dismissed up to this point.

    Thank you again!

  • #2
    I think that it would be very difficult for a judge to set any schedule that you would agree to with respect to the son for visitation since you appear to think that because you are nursing then dad couldn't take and care for the son more then a few hours. Do not take this the wrong way I understand your concern as a mom that is nursing a young infant.

    There is always the option of pumping (expressing) your milk as it has a shelf life both in the refrigerator and the freezer. Many mothers that return to work express and have care givers or family members provide the feeding and the child does not develop "nipple confusion" as many would lead you to believe.
    Been there done that, it works well particularly if mom wants a break (IE catch up on needed sleep) and dad can take over for more then a couple of hours.
    This would allow for visitation to be anywhere from a half day (intro) to full days extended to a full week end.

    Just something to think over as a possibility for you.
    If dad is not committed physically during his access visitation it make little sense to go tot eh trouble of breast milk expression to have him not be present to feed the son and develop his own bond.

    Comment


    • #3
      momofmnj, I don't have any obvious solutions to offer, but I would say to you, as someone who has been a parent and gone through all this, parenting is a learning process for both the father and the mother.

      We aren't magically granted the knowledge to parent the second a child is conceived. And the idea even of "maternal instincts" and "paternal instincts" is either a complete myth or wildly over blown. Some parents learn quite quickly, some parents stumble, but all parents learn as long as they are willing to learn.

      Your ex is going to stumble. So are you. Children are resilliant and they somehow manage to survive all of our mistakes (obviously there are horror stories in the newspapers, but I mean for 99% of us).

      If you are sincere that you want your ex to have the opportunity to learn to be a responsible, loving, considerate shared parent, then you have to give him the chance to learn, you have to expect that things will be awkward from time to time, and you be willing to work through the problems because you really believe that the end result will be worth it for your children.

      This is really really really hard to do. My ex and me are able to do it because we both went through most of the learning curve when we were together and functional. When our relationship between the two of us turned toxic, we at least both had full confidence the other's abilities as a parent, and we had years of trust and co-operation when it came to caring for the kids, teaching the kids, making decisions for the kids.

      We don't love each other any more, but we both love the kids, and we are both certain of the other's love.

      You aren't really in that situation. Both of you have little history with the kids or experience with child care to fall back on. You are very understandably wary of anyone but yourself being able to care for your babies. That is a human feeling that we all have.

      In the end, you either have to trust him or fight him. If the two of you can't find enough common ground to work together then you will always fight and it won't work.

      You aren't a couple anymore, but you are still a team and you will remain a team for the next two decades. Respect each other the same way two professional co-workers would. Learn together. Respect each other's strengths, and admit your weaknesses to each other and don't be afraid to call each other up for help and advice.

      My ex and me can be totally at each other's throats over legal issues and such, but if one of the children is ill or hurt, we are on the phone with each other in full co-operation mode and working together as a team. I am totally lucky that we are both able to do this, many couples aren't.

      I would recommend to you that you print my answer and pass it on to your ex. You both have a lot to learn, and I wish you luck and happiness.

      Comment

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