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  • Tone of emails to ex spouse

    I am in a dilemma. I have been uber careful about all my correspondence with my ex... polite, and perhaps a bit cold, there is no love lost between us. She has engaged in a parental alienation campaign against me that has succeeded. My kids who are 16, 14, and 12 make no attempt to contact me, nor respond to my emails, texts or phone calls.
    I would like to send her a strongly worded email that makes no bones about the fact that the courts look dimly on parental alienation.
    I am curious about how other forum members address emailed communication with their ex spouse?

    FYI: I have filed a form 35.1 for shared custody, as well as an application for bringing child support into federal guidelines. First court date is March 11/14

    Thanks

  • #2
    I wouldn't bother sending her the email. It won't accomplish anything.

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    • #3
      Thanks, that has how I have felt about every correspondence we have had... utterly useless. Hopefully the courts can sort this out.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by nasa View Post
        Thanks, that has how I have felt about every correspondence we have had... utterly useless. Hopefully the courts can sort this out.
        Sometimes that is the only thing to do ....going to court. If you wrote the email she may take it as threatening or whatever. If emails haven't helped in the past, it wont help now.

        Comment


        • #5
          "Parental alienation" is a weasel-word that has no real definition. It doesn't mean anything in court (unless it's coming from a licensed psychologist), so I wouldn't use it as a threat.

          Your kids are old enough to make their own choices about contact with you. At their age, it's not entirely up to your ex to make this happen. If you want to initiate or resume contact, I would think that a polite email to the ex which expresses your desire to spend more time with your kids and asks for your ex's assistance in facilitating the relationship would be more useful. No threats about court, which escalates the matter to a hostile level.

          The standard formula for correspondence with difficult exes is BIFF - Brief, Informative, Factual, Friendly. Additional guidelines include avoiding sentences that start with "you", or contain "always" and "never"; don't bring up the past (stay future-focused); avoid emotionally loaded adverbs and adjectives; and keep it short - less is more.

          Do you mean shared parenting (where the kids would be residing with you at least 40% of the time) or shared custody (where you make important health/education/religion decisions with your ex)? If the former, you really do need to demonstrate you have a good relationship with the kids before a court will require them to to spend half their time with you, esp. if they've been residing solely with their mother for a long time.

          Comment


          • #6
            If she's the type to engage in parental alienation, then I agree that she's just going to laugh at and ignore any emails.

            However, having the documentation trail showing that you did your best to negotiate with her to avoid going to court will probably help you recoup your legal costs from her.

            I would send her more than an email about alienation, I would include an offer to settle detailing what arrangements you think would be fair.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks Stripes. I am curious about your take on parental alienation...I have read lots of case law that seems to show that it is recognized by the courts as an issue. Is your experience different then that?
              Very good advice on what to include and exclude in correspondence.
              I would like shared custody, which I have applied for. I am at the point though, that I just want to be able to have a relationship with my kids.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hi Rioe,
                Going to court on this occasion was initiated by me. I have run out of options that do not involve legal means. I am self representing btw.
                I have tried to appeal to her to re-negotiate both child support and access to the kids, but she has stalled for months at a time and then hits me with a letter from her lawyer.
                Thanks for your input

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by nasa View Post
                  Going to court on this occasion was initiated by me. I have run out of options that do not involve legal means. I am self representing btw.
                  I have tried to appeal to her to re-negotiate both child support and access to the kids, but she has stalled for months at a time and then hits me with a letter from her lawyer.
                  It does sound like court is where you need to be.

                  Even if you think she'll ignore it, it's to your benefit to send her a formal offer to settle. If you win in court, having previously sent a reasonable offer to settle which she ignored will help ensure that she has to pay your court costs and legal fees instead of you. Even self-represented, you've got expenses, including your time.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Should it be an e-mailed offer to settle, or should it be a document that I have served to her? I am not interested in costs, as that would just hurt my kids in the end. I just want to be treated fairly and equitably.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I believe an offer to settle is drawn up like a legal document, but you could mail it or email it as an attachment, whatever. I don't think it has to have official service.

                      Your offer to settle would include a description of the table amount of CS you intend to pay, and a schedule of what access you would like with the children. Because you haven't seen them in a couple of years, including something about a gradual reintroduction which ramps up to regular access would make you look very reasonable.

                      The threat of her paying your costs is designed to be incentive for her to accept your offer to settle. So even if it is a bluff, act serious about costs until after court is done.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by nasa View Post
                        I am at the point though, that I just want to be able to have a relationship with my kids.
                        This is just a bit of parenting advice, coming from a parent to teenagers... Don't let the legal issues surrounding your relationships with your kids stop you from doing what you can to build/strengthen them.

                        Keep up your efforts to communicate with them - text/email/etc them often, even if you don't get replies (or more than the typical teenager "lol" or "K") While I am not discounting parental alienation, the fact that they don't reply may also be a function of their ages. They could be chatting with friends when they get your message, and intend to reply and then forget - teenagers are by nature egocentric. It is easy for us parents to look at them and think "you are big now and need to take some responsibility" but the truth is, they are still kids and we are still the ones that are responsible for our relationships with them.

                        Let them know that you are thinking of them. Send texts. Send video messages. Send facebook messages, if you are on facebook and they actually added you as a friend - a lot of kids don't, even in intact families, so don't be offended if they don't add you. Send them emails with jokes and pictures if you come across anything entertaining - remember that not all kids look at their emails daily. There are loads of Apps you could look into depending on your phone/provider. Keep taking the initiative, don't worry about whether they answer or not. Be patient, you are the grown-up, you are the role model. You are letting them know you are interested and want to be engaged with them.

                        This will be help to build your relationships with them if you can't see them as often, and it might be helpful in your bid for more access and custody...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by engineer View Post
                          This is just a bit of parenting advice, coming from a parent to teenagers... Don't let the legal issues surrounding your relationships with your kids stop you from doing what you can to build/strengthen them.

                          Keep up your efforts to communicate with them - text/email/etc them often, even if you don't get replies (or more than the typical teenager "lol" or "K") While I am not discounting parental alienation, the fact that they don't reply may also be a function of their ages. They could be chatting with friends when they get your message, and intend to reply and then forget - teenagers are by nature egocentric. It is easy for us parents to look at them and think "you are big now and need to take some responsibility" but the truth is, they are still kids and we are still the ones that are responsible for our relationships with them.

                          Let them know that you are thinking of them. Send texts. Send video messages. Send facebook messages, if you are on facebook and they actually added you as a friend - a lot of kids don't, even in intact families, so don't be offended if they don't add you. Send them emails with jokes and pictures if you come across anything entertaining - remember that not all kids look at their emails daily. There are loads of Apps you could look into depending on your phone/provider. Keep taking the initiative, don't worry about whether they answer or not. Be patient, you are the grown-up, you are the role model. You are letting them know you are interested and want to be engaged with them.

                          This will be help to build your relationships with them if you can't see them as often, and it might be helpful in your bid for more access and custody...
                          Important considerations, and sage advice in this digital world.

                          'Always keep a door open, you never know who may walk through it.'

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I agree, just keep plugging away with your attempts to contact the kids. They are teenagers and they don't really stop to think about how their lack of response may impact you.

                            They may be angry too. They tend to look for areas in their life where they can have control, this is definitely within their control. Persistence without pressure is key. Don't engage the ex in what will almost certainly be seen as an overt attack on her parenting and character. It isn't worth it in the long run.

                            Comment

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