Points to ponder - involvement of new spouse/step parents

[arabian]

I have been watching this debate with mild interest. I agree that all parties' households are autonomous and each parent does not have the right to dictate to the other about activities in the other parent's home.

What I have observed in this debate, however, is that there is much assumption about respective party's reaction/non-reaction.

I do not condone any parent (bio or step) who does something to intentionally upset the other party. If you are about to do something, and you know the other parent would not approve, why bother doing it?

The way I see it there are peace-makers and there are shit-stirrers.

I have never been in this situation (thankfully) but it would seem that it would be in the best interests of the child(ren) to try to get along with the other parent. Intentionally angering the other parent (even if it is your right) is counter-productive.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I do not condone any parent (bio or step) who does something to intentionally upset the other party. If you are about to do something, and you know the other parent would not approve, why bother doing it?

I agree...and forgive my sexism...but I also see a lot of what I'm reading as chick fighting. Drama-laden control battles over who "owns" the kids.

I think you should use common sense in these situations and really seek to reduce conflict. So if the bio mom is taking off the nail polish or tattoos, or whatever, at her house...that's her prerogative. Paint the kids nails at your house when she comes back over...or buy her the kind that peels off so she can remove it herself.

My ex gives my kid a lot of instructions that I assume that he intends her to pass on to me. Unless he directly emails me and requests something politely, I do what makes sense at my home. And unless there's a serious safety issue, I never interrogate my kid or interfere with what goes on at his house. The divorce relationship is like any other relationship. There's sometimes battles for control and a lot of negotiating. But if you don't overreact, make common sense decisions, and do the same thing over-and-over...it regulates itself and becomes a habit. My ex tried to control a lot of stuff in the beginning...now he doesn't bother. The frustration is that sometimes the kids get caught in the middle but unfortunately that's part of the divorce process also. Overall, I think my kid has learned a valuable life skill in learning how to negotiate between divorced parents.

[arabian]

PH: Agreed - time would be better spent on learning how to get along with each other. Simple courtesy and respect for the other person's point of view goes a long way. Always wanting to be viewed as "right" and the other person "wrong" is also an exercise in futility.

[Berner_Faith]

PH & Arabian, I agree that ALL parties have to learn to get along. But would you agree or disagree that in the situations described above, Dad and Step mom have to walk on egg shells and stop painting nails or giving the kids a fake tattoo because it upsets Mom?

It seems to be all about Mom, but it could really go both ways. If Dad objected to the kids having their nails painted, or getting a fake tattoo, should Mom not do what she wants with her daughter because Dad doesn't like it?

I think a lot of it comes down to people minding their own business. As long as the kids are in no harm, the other parent really has no authority dictating what should or shouldn't happen in the other household. I don't see this has a chick fight, I see it more as not letting one parent (mom or dad) dictate what goes on in the other household.

Dad doesn't agree with the kids eating Mcdonalds a couple times a week, Mom finds nothing wrong with it, so when the kids are with her, they usually have Mcdonalds once or twice a week, when they are with Dad, we don't eat it. Dad has expressed his concerns to Mom regarding it, but he left it at that, as she feels there is nothing wrong with it.

[Rioe]

Dad doesn't agree with the kids eating Mcdonalds a couple times a week, Mom finds nothing wrong with it, so when the kids are with her, they usually have Mcdonalds once or twice a week, when they are with Dad, we don't eat it. Dad has expressed his concerns to Mom regarding it, but he left it at that, as she feels there is nothing wrong with it.

Hehe, this touched a nerve with me for some reason. My kids' Dad takes them to McDonald's regularly, while I believe that sort of food should be a more occasional treat.

However, because he brings them, I feel I cannot ever do so, because that would increase their overall frequency of eating there beyond a level I'm comfortable with. So in essence, I don't ever bring them to McDonald's because of this, and look like the mean parent.

Not much I can do. I'm sure when they are teenagers they'll go there all the time and I'll have it harder then than I do now!

[MS Mom]

PH & Arabian, I agree that ALL parties have to learn to get along. But would you agree or disagree that in the situations described above, Dad and Step mom have to walk on egg shells and stop painting nails or giving the kids a fake tattoo because it upsets Mom?

It seems to be all about Mom, but it could really go both ways. If Dad objected to the kids having their nails painted, or getting a fake tattoo, should Mom not do what she wants with her daughter because Dad doesn't like it?

I think a lot of it comes down to people minding their own business. As long as the kids are in no harm, the other parent really has no authority dictating what should or shouldn't happen in the other household. I don't see this has a chick fight, I see it more as not letting one parent (mom or dad) dictate what goes on in the other household.

Dad doesn't agree with the kids eating Mcdonalds a couple times a week, Mom finds nothing wrong with it, so when the kids are with her, they usually have Mcdonalds once or twice a week, when they are with Dad, we don't eat it. Dad has expressed his concerns to Mom regarding it, but he left it at that, as she feels there is nothing wrong with it.

Seriously people. You do with the children in your home as you see fit. Moms will do with their children as they see fit.

If mom shouldn't be angry that you put the darned nail polish on - then step-mom shouldn't be angry that mom took it off.

What you would like though is to do with the child you see fit - send her back to mom's and expect mom to respect you and your feelings for the remainder of the time until next access visit. No wonder you're bothered and disappointed. Not everything us bio-moms do with our kids is about you.

You guys spend 18 years undoing what mom does or re-doing what you did. Personally, I have bigger, more important issues than worrying about whether what I choose to do with MY CHILD will bother you or not. You aren't a thought in my head while I'm bathing my kid, brushing her hair, making her lunch or packing her bag.

It's just so much easier to get along, and far less back and forth, tug of war on the child.

[Pursuinghappiness]

PH & Arabian, I agree that ALL parties have to learn to get along. But would you agree or disagree that in the situations described above, Dad and Step mom have to walk on egg shells and stop painting nails or giving the kids a fake tattoo because it upsets Mom?

I think people should work on the things that are within their circle of control. You cannot force someone else to be reasonable...I'm sure that's a large part of the reason behind a lot of the divorces on here. We try for years to modify, work around, compromise, etc with our exes and it doesn't work. It doesn't work after divorce either...particularly when you shove in the complications of trials and new partners.

And just to clarify, I don't think you should do a damned thing because of the bio mom getting upset. Just the exact opposite. I think you should do what is reasonable in your own household. (I don't think you should intentionally try to piss her off either...I've heard of that happening too). When the kids are with you, you and your partner should make the decision on what to do with them on your own terms.

However, when the bio mom gets the kids...if she wants to scrub off tattoos or remove nail polish...whatever...that's her prerogative. I would simply ignore any attempt by her to irritate you. If the kid is complaining that mom is too harsh, then the kid will have to learn how to negotiate with mom...that's what all kids (and especially divorced kids) have to do.

Eventually, when she learns that you are going to do what you want...and realizes that she's not irritating you...she'll stop the behavior.

My ex has tried a million things to bug me since divorce and the first question I always ask myself is "can I just ignore this"...95% of the time, I can and do. I find after a while, he just stops bothering. I'm simply suggesting that you stop paying attention and/or being irritated by dumb stuff that doesn't happen at your house.

[Beachnana]

The title " mom" or "dad" whether bio or,step seems to be a an important element in the discussion here. If you are " the mom" you do not object when the " mother of the daughters friend" makes a decision, at a sleep over, to paint nails but when " step mom" makes that decision it seems to become a big deal and warrants discussion on how, when and why this should be allowed. If a " "family friend" decided to purchase a new winter coat for child then no problem. But if step mom did this - oh wow - big issue. If "the neighbour" takes your son out to see his first game and afterwards a burger then nice. But if step dad takes son out for that baseball game and a burger - big no no. ( trying to be equal here, but it seems a female issue for the most part)

I guess, what I am trying to say is, we spend a lot of time considering how the child will react to; cope with; and perceive of 2 sets of parents but no one is helping the Mom and Dad cope with the feeling of "being replaced" rather than the feeling " you've got my back".

[Pursuinghappiness]

we spend a lot of time considering how the child will react to; cope with; and perceive of 2 sets of parents but no one is helping the Mom and Dad cope with the feeling of "being replaced" rather than the feeling " you've got my back".

Competent, mentally healthy parents don't fear being replaced by anyone. Nor should anyone have to accommodate the irrational fears of someone who's intimidated by them.

[FB_]

Competent, mentally healthy parents don't fear being replaced by anyone. Nor should anyone have to accommodate the irrational fears of someone who's intimidated by them.

Well said.

[Beachnana]

Competent, mentally healthy parents don't fear being replaced by anyone. Nor should anyone have to accommodate the irrational fears of someone who's intimidated by them.

Oh I totally agree and You have put my point so eloquently. But unfortunately not everyone believe in themselves enough or are indeed actually mentally healthy parents without fears and therefore may need a little help or managing.

[Links17]

Competent, mentally healthy parents don't fear being replaced by anyone. Nor should anyone have to accommodate the irrational fears of someone who's intimidated by them.

That's probably not true, I'm sure very normal NCP parents fear being replaced simply because whereas once you used to see your child daily now you might see then 3 out of 14 days.

They probably are in fact replaced in most aspects other than they pay support and can say that's my "child" which I have no real relationship with other 3 days every 2 weeks.

[Pursuinghappiness]

But unfortunately not everyone believe in themselves enough or are indeed actually mentally healthy parents without fears and therefore may need a little help or managing.

Generally people get divorced because they can't "fix" the issues with their ex. I suspect you'd have an even worse chance of doing it after divorce.

That's probably not true, I'm sure very normal NCP parents fear being replaced simply because whereas once you used to see your child daily now you might see then 3 out of 14 days.

Maybe Links but I still think its hard to replace a good bio parent in any kid's eyes. Kids simply identify with their biological parents in a way that's hard to replace. I agree that its always a great tragedy when custody battles result in parents not having fair access to their children.

[Beachnana]

That's probably not true, I'm sure very normal NCP parents fear being replaced simply because whereas once you used to see your child daily now you might see then 3 out of 14 days.

They probably are in fact replaced in most aspects other than they pay support and can say that's my "child" which I have no real relationship with other 3 days every 2 weeks.

Yes, see another side of the story. We cannot all be 100% confident that we are irreplaceable so sometimes things will get under our skin. It is not cut and dry, we are dealing with human feelings and its bound to be less than perfect.

[Rioe]

Competent, mentally healthy parents don't fear being replaced by anyone. Nor should anyone have to accommodate the irrational fears of someone who's intimidated by them.

Competent, mentally healthy parents probably also didn't start out expecting to be replaced in their former spouse's affections by a new partner. Having that happen makes it a perfectly reasonable thing to fear a re-occcurence with the children's affections.

I don't think though, that it's a fear of being replaced so much as it is despair at thinking that the child's attention is divided, and they will never have as much of it as they would have had the family stayed together, and they will miss milestones because of it, that they would have been part of otherwise.

I know there have been favourite movies of mine I was looking forward to sharing with my kids, then learning that they've already seen them over at the ex's place, for example.