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  • Hello - new to this forum

    I hope this is even the right place for me. I don't want to be "out of line" here. I am not the one getting a divorce. It is my sister. She found out about a month ago that her husband of 18 years (who obviously has been my brother-in-law for 18 years) has been having a year long affair. My sister was completely blind-sided! (SERIOUSLY she has NO idea). They have two sons, 8 and 11 years old. The soon-to-be ex-husband of the woman my brother-in-law is having the affair with called my sister and told her all about it. We are an extremely close family and this has devastated me! I know it didn't happen to ME but firstly I'm very close to my sister and her pain is my pain, but also I feel cheated on by my brother-in-law since I considered him a friend as well as a family member. My husband and I and my sister and her husband go on trips together often, have dinner every week and see each other a LOT. I see my nephews all the time and my kids are over there all the time.

    I found out because my sister came to my house the day she found out and was a complete mess! She drove to my house, sat in front and cried like I've never heard her cry and told me the story. Then her husband called and asked her to come home and talk so she drove away. She wouldn't/couldn't pick up the phone for the next 3 days and didn't want to talk about it any more with me. She was devastated and of course couldn't speak about it. She didn't know what she was going to do at that point. I finally got her to open up again about 3 days later just so I could find out what was going on.

    She told me that my BIL said (once he got found out of course) that he's VERY sorry and he didn't mean it to happen and he doesn't know how it happened and he wants their marriage to work and he loves her and the kids and ONLY her and he doesn't want the "other woman" and all that stuff. My sister believed him and agreed to counselling. They have been going to counselling for about a month now.

    I'm on pins and needles every day because it's still so new and it could still go either way for them. I have this horrible sense of insecurity and dread all the time.

    My sister didn't want ANYONE to know so she asked me not even to tell my own husband at first. Finally her husband had told a few people and I asked her to let me tell my husband because the news was killing me and I was so depressed and sad and my husband could tell something was wrong. To this day our mother still doesn't know.

    The part that is the hardest (and why I want to reach out to a forum like this) is that I feel the loss like it happened to me and I guess some people don't understand that. It DIDN'T happen to me, but I'm so close to my BIL and I truly love him as a friend and a family member and it will be horrible if he's not in my world anymore. If my kids don't see him anymore... and my mother - she really loves and relies on him now that my father is gone. Not having him in our lives in the "big picture" will be totally devastating. They haven't decided what will happen and every time I see my sister it's a different story. Of course, it's still unfolding for her and I try NOT to ask her about it every time I talk to her because I don't think she wants to talk about it all the time. But on the other hand, I'm a talker. I need to talk things through and get feedback. Again, as I say, I don't know if this is the place for me to talk about this. Maybe there is someone out there who knows what divorce/infidelity is like for the OTHER members of the extended family.

  • #2
    I think it is alright for you to talk here and gt some advice or just a listening ear. Keep being supportive of your sister and BIL as they try and work on their marriage. With a lot of hard work etc they may get back on the right track so saying negative stuff about BIL could put a wedge between the families later if they work it out. If your sister wants to talk about it fine, but do not force the issue with her. She is probably going through alot and needs time to get things straight in her own head.

    I would not be the one to tell your mother. It is up to the two parties involved who they want to tell and when.

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    • #3
      Thank you so much for your reply! I agree with everything you said. I will not be the one to tell my mother but I am trying to encourage my sister to tell her something at least. My mother is 72 and our father died 5 years ago. She was away on a trip during most of this so my sister absolutely did not want to unload this on my mom before her trip (good decision), but now that she's back I know she can sense something is up. As I mentioned we are a VERY close family - we see each other a lot and in addition to my sister and I doing a lot together, my mother is often involved and the three of us normally have a weekly dinner out. My mother is not the type to pry and she has asked my sister what's going on but I know she notices "something" right now because my sister is certainly keeping a low profile. I completely understand why my sister isn't telling my mother, but on the other hand, I wish she would at least just say something like they're having a few issues right now so at least my mother wouldn't be left in the dark with the whole "mood" very different right now. I know that's not my decision to make but it's very difficult for me to see my mom feeling stunned by the change in my sister. I'm sure my mother is worried about her. I think my mom thinks it's stress at work or something and I know it will be worrying my mom. But, no, I am not going to be the one to tell her.

      In the meantime, I really appreciate being welcome to express my feelings here as I really don't have anyone to talk to about it.

      thank you!

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      • #4
        Maybe you can tell your mom that she has confided in you but it will be up to your sister to talk to mom herself. That way your mom knows she has support for whayever is stressing her out.

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        • #5
          Thanks - I might do that. I don't think my sister wants me to tell my mom anything at this point but she's avoiding her and I'm sort of avoiding her myself because it's strange to just chit-chat like nothing's wrong, yet if she asks, I don't know what I should say... this is VERY difficult. I know my sister doesn't want me to tell my mom so I have to respect that and I'm not going to breach that confidence - but this is incredibly difficult. Not to put this on anyone going through this, but when you do tell someone and bring them in on the issue, of course they're invested in it and wanting like crazy to help. If then, like my sister, she just clams up and won't talk about it (which believe me, I truly understand)... however, this is now happening to me too... obviously to a much lesser degree, but I'm struggling, I'm worried to death, I'm not sleeping right, I'm "waiting for the other shoe to drop", but not being on the inside track so it's a super difficult position to be in. I'm happy my sister and BIL are going to counselling because I know it's a good idea for her to be able to talk freely to someone, but in some ways I sort of wish I didn't know this. I'm wracked with the "need to know" all the time - but I don't want to bother my sister. I don't have any friends I'm allowed to discuss this with. My husband does know, but really, I'm not talking to him all that much about it. But with my sister, I get tidbits here and there, she seems fine one minute and totally thrown the next (OBVIOUSLY), but strangely there's this collateral damage and I cannot believe it's affecting me this way. I've been through this with a friend a few years ago and it's 150% different this time. That time I was able to just "be there" for my friend from a distance. I was in her camp. I was a shoulder to cry on. I babysat for her, I cooked her some dinners, I fed her cats etc. etc. -- whatever she needed... but this time I'm in 'Limboland" in a lot of ways because my sister told me but has now shut down. Anyway, as someone said, I just have to give her some distance and some space and most days I can counsel myself that it DIDN'T happen to me... it's not ME, I have to be there for my sister and not take any of it too personally, but some days, that is terribly difficult. I am already feeling the potential loss in my life of someone very important to me. I find myself sometimes even thinking "please don't leave US" about my BIL. Isn't that weird?

          Comment


          • #6
            I've been down this road in my own M. My recommendation would be for you and your sister to check out the website survivinginfidelity.com and go to their forums. Excellent advice from both sides of the fence; the betrayed spouses and the wayward spouses. An amazingly knowlegeable support system from people going through this and those that have been through the worst of it.

            But let me be clear about one thing (and here is where I unpack the verbal 2x4). Your sister needs you right now 100%. Your BIL knew exactly what he was doing and there are NO EXCUSES for him DECIDING to have this affair. Selfishness, narcissim, and a something seriously lacking in his moral fibre. To risk your entire family over the selfish pleasure and "excitement" from an affair. To risk exposing your loving spouse to sexually transmitted diseases. To risk divorcing and not seeing your kids. HE made these choices and from your post, he made them again and again over the period of an entire year. Yes, he is sorry...sorry that he got caught.

            You state: "Not having him in our lives in the "big picture" will be totally devastating." Again, something that he knew too and was willing to throw away.

            I completely understand that there is a grieving process that you must follow as you too may lose what you came to know as your "normal" but I highly recommend that your stay 100% with your sister on this and support whatever decision that she has to make. Never try to influence it with your desire not to "lose" your BIL. Your sister has an enormous hill to climb now and will need everyone with her to help her get back to her feet and move forwards from this devastating betrayal, whatever her decision.

            My best to your sister.

            Comment


            • #7
              WOW!!!! Thank you so much - you are totally right! (and thanks for directing me to the other forum - I will check it out)! I love my BIL like a brother and he has been in my life for so long that I would feel it like a loss of my own if he isn't in it any more, but I am 100% behind my sister. I have told her that. I guess I'm just venting and worried that their marriage will end and feeling those feelings as it could affect me. You are completely right however, he is totally to blame for the cheating and I do NOT support him in any way on that issue. At this very moment the current plan is to work on the marriage and NOT get a divorce (that could change at any day). So I have told my sister that if they work it out and if he gets some help etc. I'm 100% behind her decision to stay with him. I don't hate him (I'm not really sure why I don't - I'm just still in shock I think), but IF my sister can't do it and IF they separate and divorce, I will be 100% behind my sister. I am NOT taking my BIL's side in any of this - not at ALL! I am just so shocked, he's really the LAST person I would have thought this of so I guess right now I'm trying to believe everything will be okay and "it didn't happen". I know that's strange! Anyway, thanks again, I agree with every word of your post and I will check out that other forum! (Believe me, I HATE CHEATERS too)!!!!

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              • #8
                just remember one big thing. If your sister finds it in her heart to forgive him and move past this, you should also. You seem to be a smart cookie and seem to be handling things great so far. Yes he did cheat but he may truly be sorry and had a wake up call. It was bad but it doesn't seem like he is (so far) a serial cheater. Could he cheat again, yes. Will he, who knows for sure. Could he never cheat again, time will tell. He may honestly want to save the marriage and the life he has with your sister.

                Comment

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