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  • What would you do?

    HI All,

    I have asked before for help on NCP not exercising access time, how I can enforce it and what I can do to protect my kids from being hurt. I have come to realize with the help of some of you...You can't fix stupid and that as long as I am parenting to the best of my abilities, by boys will be ok.
    Well now I sit here not sure of how to parent a situation at hand and am looking for some advice....

    NCP as EOW access. Since Dec 25 he has only exercised said access for a total of 4 weekends. I never know when he will be coming, or even if he will be taking the kids for the whole weekend (usually not). I usually receive and email stating "Can't grab the kids this weekend" around the Wednesday or Thursday before access weekend. Most often I can be sure that if his access is over a long weekend, he won't be taking the boys.

    NCP's sister has sent me an email requesting to take our kids to her cottage for a week during the summer that happens to begin on NCP's weekend. This is a great opportunity for the kids and they LOVE their Aunt who is requesting the visit.

    If I were to send the kids to the cottage could I be held in contempt for "withholding access"? Do I really have to wait for him to tell me if he is going to exercise access for that weekend? The way I'm thinking is that the kids have a chance to visit with His side of the family that they don't often see. I think I'm doing a good thing as the kids need to have relationships with all of their family.

    I am looking for all comments (the Good, the Bad and the Ugly) on this matter. I think I would be doing a good thing for my kids by allowing them to go...even though it is over a NCP access weekend, but I am slightly biased to the whole situation.

  • #2
    A NCP is not a real parent. They have a legal obligation to pay money to the CP, but that does not make them a parent. The relationship they have with the child is one of a grandfather at best, maybe a cousin or occasional babysitter.

    The NCP does not have a real parenting relationship with the child, so asking them to act like a parent is grossly unfair. Their obligation is to provide money, and that is all. A NCP has no obligation whatsoever to do anything else for the child.

    Furthermore, you would have to be an emotional masochist to get involved with children that you only see every other weekend. I get upset when I'm not going to see my kids for 5 days, and that is after I have had them for the previous 5 days. I can't imagine going for 12 days straight of no contact on a repeated basis after only 2 days of contact. I'm amazed that any NCP under that type of access regime voluntarily goes through that level of emotional turmoil.

    To answer your question:

    Don't tell your kids that the father is coming until Friday morning. If he cancels on the Wednesday or Thursday, then they will never know that they missed anything. Recognize that, statistically, his interest in the children will wane over time as will access visits. That doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him a human. He has lost his children, a constant reminder of that is unlikely to be something that he seeks out.

    As an alternative, move to shared custody. That way, both of you are real parents. Shared custody parents don't "bail" on their access, because they don't have access... they have kids. Like parents with kids, if things are busy you still have the kids, parents don't get to not have kids for a weekend when it is inconvenient.

    Yes, I'm sure you will say that he doesn't "want" shared custody. That's usually bullshit.

    Comment


    • #3
      This is the ex's sister? Does she speak to her brother? Can she talk to him?

      If this wont work I would suggest the following: dear ex, AUNT has asked to have the boys see her x weekend this summer. I am aware that this is one of your scheduled weekends but I know the boys would enjoy the time with their aunt and it is a wonderfully opportunity for them. I am willing to switch this access weekend for another weekend (give weekends) to make up for this time. Please advise by XX date if you object to this trip otherwise I will consider your silence approval for them to go with their aunt.

      Or something like that...

      My partners agreement has a clause that basically says if opportunities for the kids come up that neither parent can expect that the residency arrangements be adhered to.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Janus View Post
        A NCP is not a real parent. They have a legal obligation to pay money to the CP, but that does not make them a parent. The relationship they have with the child is one of a grandfather at best, maybe a cousin or occasional babysitter.

        The NCP does not have a real parenting relationship with the child, so asking them to act like a parent is grossly unfair. Their obligation is to provide money, and that is all. A NCP has no obligation whatsoever to do anything else for the child.

        Furthermore, you would have to be an emotional masochist to get involved with children that you only see every other weekend. I get upset when I'm not going to see my kids for 5 days, and that is after I have had them for the previous 5 days. I can't imagine going for 12 days straight of no contact on a repeated basis after only 2 days of contact. I'm amazed that any NCP under that type of access regime voluntarily goes through that level of emotional turmoil.

        To answer your question:

        Don't tell your kids that the father is coming until Friday morning. If he cancels on the Wednesday or Thursday, then they will never know that they missed anything. Recognize that, statistically, his interest in the children will wane over time as will access visits. That doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him a human. He has lost his children, a constant reminder of that is unlikely to be something that he seeks out.

        As an alternative, move to shared custody. That way, both of you are real parents. Shared custody parents don't "bail" on their access, because they don't have access... they have kids. Like parents with kids, if things are busy you still have the kids, parents don't get to not have kids for a weekend when it is inconvenient.

        Yes, I'm sure you will say that he doesn't "want" shared custody. That's usually bullshit.


        Janus, Busch has posted extensively about her ex who moved to the states and pretty much gave the bird to his kids. Many of your comments are unfair to someone who has actively tried to keep the NCP relevant in her kids lives even though he have proven over and over he could care less.

        Comment


        • #5
          Wait, catch me up on this story.

          So, this guy doesn't care about the kids, but has travelled internationally four times since Christmas to see them?

          Comment


          • #6
            He moved to the US with his new wife, barely sees his kids, filed a motion claiming he has no money and should pay no support, hides assets and income, lies on court documents, expects Busch to pay to get them to him (or there partially), expects all new clothing and other needs to be sent...the list is endless. Hes really a grade a jerk who thinks of his kids as an after thought.

            Busch lives in a border town so its not really "international travel" in the sense of flying around the world. Its about an hour max. Her boys are young too and having an uninterested father is heartbreaking for Busch as she has to be mom and dad to them and disappoint them when dad decides he doesnt want to see them at the last minute.

            Recapped effectively Busch?

            Comment


            • #7
              Thank you Rock, I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to explain to Janus the situation here. You pretty much summed it up.

              In the last MTC NCP requested that access remain the same and I was hopeful that meant he was going to exercise more actively. I didn't argue that it need to be changed because I believe that both my kids and their father deserve a relationship. That has yet to happen. I don't want to take visits away from either my kids nor their father.

              Comment


              • #8
                Its also not fair to you when you want to schedule activities with the kids when he isnt showing up.

                My partner moved away and had an access schedule set up. He attempted to follow it exactly as listed but his ex put up barriers and used the item on other opportunities all the time. Now that his kids are older, they dictate when they want to see him. His ex still interferes but is ignored. Soon your kids will be old enough to have things they want to do on weekends or jobs and they will be able to dictate.

                The fact that youre trying to schedule a weekend with HIS family so the kids stay in touch with their fathers family speaks volumes. I would never accuse you of being one of those moms trying to erase their dad out of their lives. All youve ever asked for is fairness for the kids.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Thank you Rock for your support. I know this forum can be a place of untruths and untold stories, but I do try to include all facts...even if I'm the one at fault. I truly just want to make sure my kids get the best that I can offer them when I have things to offer.

                  I think this week long visit would be awesome for the kids! I am just concerned that if the ex decided to be an ass and try to take me to court over not adhering to the court order, that it would back fire on me. Emails are going unanswered, but I never thought about sending a "reply by this date or I will assume that all is well and I will send them."

                  I want to do right by both the law and the boys.....but it's very hard to do when both parties aren't playing by the same rules. We are being held hostage by the EX and I have no time or finances to fight with him.

                  Thanks Again Rock.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    As long as youre offering him make up time youre fine. Its only withholding if you say no he cant see them. He would be hard pressed to have much sympathy when hes been so absent and not following the times.

                    Youre being reasonable. Its when you turn around and say "this jerk wont pay support so he cant see his kids" that people will turn on you

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      tell him you want to send the kids and see what he says.... is that fricking hard?

                      I agree with Janus about the emotional masochism, loving somebody that you can only see 2 days out of 14 is unsustainable. You might as well just move on.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                        tell him you want to send the kids and see what he says.... is that fricking hard?

                        I agree with Janus about the emotional masochism, loving somebody that you can only see 2 days out of 14 is unsustainable. You might as well just move on.
                        Links....I have sent emails asking him if he would mind. I'm not getting a response! Not "fricking hard", but hard to make a decision with the best interest of my kids in mind when the court order states the has the right to see them that weekend!

                        How do you propose that I "move on"? I have a court order that states he has the right to EOW. And if I deny that I can be punished. So please help me how I can "move on"??

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Links, you are a real piece of work.
                          Last edited by odinn; 05-12-2016, 04:51 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Busch, ignore Links. Send your ex the email, see if the aunt can say something, give him two weeks or three or whatever, give him the other weekend options as make up and then plan the week for your kids.

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                            • #15
                              If its for the whole week you could let her know the beginning of it is his weekend so you can't commit to anything on his time, but the kids would be happy to join them after that.

                              Comment

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