Where the *#%@ to start

[chel_and_co]

Hi all.

Brand new to this forum. I recently initiated a separation from my husband of 15 years. We have three kids, ages 10 and 10 (twins), and a 6 year old.

We have a home (mortgaged, with little built up equity because we've used it to cover life's costs for the past 15 years), and nothing to speak of in savings. We both have life insurance plans and small pension accounts from our employers.

I just have no idea where to start to take care of the 1,000 big and little things that need to be done. I've reached out to a realtor to see what we might expect to get if we sell the house, and will meet with the bank about mortgage breaking penalties and separating joint accounts, etc. But figuring out living arrangements, a separation agreement, all that stuff, i'm lost on. Things are amicable at the moment, but I know that can change.

I also have some questions about more emotional/personal subjects, like how much to share with my husband about a new long distance relationship that was (while not the cause), a trigger for this massive change.

Any sage words about how to start down this road? Or words of caution...what not to do? I'll take whatever you've got.

TIA

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[ifonlyihadknown]

Not that I'm an expert but I wouldn't share any personal information going forward. I don't see how it can help you.

You should separate any joint accounts, credit cards, or at least open your own accounts and get your own credit cards. Make a list of the family assets, gather copies of statements, etc. You want to know what the family assets are on the date of separation as things will be divided later. It would help if your STBX (soon-to-be-ex) would agree with the list.

If you're separated, even in the same house, you should have separate bedrooms, separate finances, etc.
For the house, you can just look online ( realtor.ca ) to get a rough idea of what the house is worth. That will be ok for now.

Have you discussed who gets the kids, when? If you aren't on the same page this will lead to conflict later.

Are your salaries similar? If they are, spousal support shouldn't be much of an issue. If there is a big discrepancy, this could also lead to conflict later.

[Tayken]

Where to start:

1. 50-50 residency (access) of the children with the other parent on a 2-2-5-5 based schedule.

2. Full joint custody of the children.

3. Don't pretend to be the primary parent. It is 2019 not 1993. The term "primary parent" is BS mostly.

4. Don't hire a lawyer that tells you that you can get "sole custody" and "majority access".

5. Don't make false allegations of domestic violence to try an "win" in court.

6. Accept the fact that the other parent has an equal right to parent equally.

7. Go to counselling for your emotional challenges - NOT COURT!

8. Save your money for really important things for the kids. Don't give it to lawyers to try and "win".

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Janus]

Originally Posted by chel_and_co

I also have some questions about more emotional/personal subjects, like how much to share with my husband about a new long distance relationship that was (while not the cause), a trigger for this massive change.

Before you have a signed separation agreement: Not a word.
After you have a signed separation agreement: Your call, you can decide then. I woudn't worry about that now, as you said you have a few thousands things to deal with first

Or words of caution...what not to do? I'll take whatever you've got.

What Tayken said.

Generally if you offer 50% parenting time, the other parent will agree. If you go to a lawyer, they will say you can get more than 50%. That may be true, but it will cost tens of thousands of dollars, and it could shatter your post-divorce parenting relationship.

Also, be wary of introducing the kids to the new relationship. I would seriously consider waiting at least a year. No matter how nice he is, the kids won't like the person who broke up their parents.

[chel_and_co]

Thanks so much to everyone for the responses.

I will keep mum about the new relationship. Won't do anything but inflame the situation. And it's likely to be long distance for some time, so no plans to introduce him to the kids aaaany time soon.

We will be listing the house in early January. We'll take this month to pack/purge/declutter in preparation for listing.

I have no interest in going for more than 50% of anything. No intention to fight for more.

The biggest challenge at the moment is how the hell to live under the same roof for over a month (or possibly much more, depending on how the house sale goes). If anyone has any fantastic advice about that, I'd love to hear it.

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[Tayken]

Originally Posted by chel_and_co

The biggest challenge at the moment is how the hell to live under the same roof for over a month (or possibly much more, depending on how the house sale goes). If anyone has any fantastic advice about that, I'd love to hear it.

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Set up the 2-2-5-5 access schedule now and follow it.

Monday and Tuesday you are responsible for everything regarding the kids.
Wednesday and Thursday the other parent.
Rotate the responsibilities for the children over the weekends and 5 day Stretches.

Week 1:

Monday (you)
Tuesday (you)
Wednesday (other parent)
Thursday (other parent)
Friday (other Parent)
Saturday (other parent)
Sunday (other Parent)

Week 2:

Monday (you)
Tuesday (you)
Wednesday (other parent)
Thursday (other parent)
Friday (you)
Saturday (you)
Sunday (you)

Week 3:

Repeat week 1.

See how the 2-2-5-5 works? You each get 2 nights a week consistently and 5 day stretches over the weekend with the kids that rotate.

On days marked you... You get them back and forth to school, make their lunches, help them with their homework, get them to after school activities, etc... Without relying upon the other parent even though they live under the same roof. In fact, on days not designated as your responsibility... You can be somewhere else.

This is going to be the reality of the situation. You won't be able to call upon each other in a moment's notice on those days to take up the slack/help. Parents, more than children need to adjust to the new schedule and difference.

If you establish a 2-2-5-5 equal residency schedule with the other parent up-front and joint custody you will have significantly less issues residing together. You can also research "nesting" or "bird nest".

https://benmor.com/post-faq/in-custo...g-arrangement/

[chel_and_co]

Thanks so much for this, Tayken.

This makes so much sense to me. But I am struggling to make any headway with my husband. He's angry and feels blindsided, and is resisting anything I suggest.

I will keep trying, as i think it's critical for the kids to see things changing now that we've made the decision. And critical for him to start getting used to the change as well.

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[canthisberight]

Had a very unhappy marriage for years..

Met someone also long distance...decided it was worth pursuing..

Told my now legally seperated spouse June 10th, 2018...had to live in same house til Oct 1st. It was very very tough...

My lawyer's advice...be RESPECTFUL! Very very strained and my 19 year old daughter took the worse of it, as she ended up being the go between..no matter how hard I tried not to let that happen.

So my advice is be respectful...and be careful

[rvalentines]

Originally Posted by Tayken

Where to start:

1. 50-50 residency (access) of the children with the other parent on a 2-2-5-5 based schedule.

2. Full joint custody of the children.

3. Don't pretend to be the primary parent. It is 2019 not 1993. The term "primary parent" is BS mostly.

4. Don't hire a lawyer that tells you that you can get "sole custody" and "majority access".

5. Don't make false allegations of domestic violence to try an "win" in court.

6. Accept the fact that the other parent has an equal right to parent equally.

7. Go to counselling for your emotional challenges - NOT COURT!

8. Save your money for really important things for the kids. Don't give it to lawyers to try and "win".

Good Luck!
Tayken

G-d Bless this individual. This individual is absolutely right. Do this and everyone will be happier.