Noting of abuse in documents does it matter?

[pearl4]

Hi

My x in court documents is making me look very controlling, and I'm not sure if I should come back with a timeline as the legal rep at the women's shelter has suggested on the emotional abuse throughout our marriage. I had gone to do some counselling at the shelter and did a program to help me get back on my feet when I realized what I had been living for so many years.

Legal rep at the shelter said he's making you look abusive but my lawyer is saying they don't care about that. My x is saying how I stopped him from riding his bike, I stopped him from going on his computer, I wouldn't let him grow his business, etc. Even brought in about sex. So do I not respond and he will look more like an ASS? I know it all depends on the judge and feel in one way if I don't put anything in I'm agreeing or not standing up for myself. Also feel I need to say how it was in my eyes. It will cost money and some time so just not sure? He's a police officer so he's already stereotyped, big guy, and I have suffered with depression for a long time. You wonder why I suffered with depression? Guess what? He's gone and I feel so much better.

It all comes down to $ anyways doesn't it?

Thanks for your suggestions.

[stripes]

Emotional abuse is he-said/she-said. Your lawyer is right, nobody cares about whether you stopped your husband from riding his motorbike or having sex; similarly nobody is going to care about your version of the psychological component of the marriage. Focus on getting the divorce done, not on proving that your ex was a bad husband.

[LovingFather32]

It's wonderful that the shelter workers were able to convince you that you'd been emotionally abused for years. Also glad to hear that your depression is instantly getting better.

Good for you.

[arabian]

I agree with Stripes.

I can assure you that the reason for the marriage failure is not relevant unless you intend to file for mental/physical cruelty or adultery. The only advantage is being able to have the divorce over and done with quickly. There is no financial benefit to going that route.

Smart money keeps the dirt away from settlement negotiations IMO. Only people who benefit from this would be lawyers who just love it when divorce is high-conflict and people can't come to agreement.

I understand how debilitating depression can be but that is a matter that you will have to deal with on your own. Your STBX will have no part in your recovery.

I also do not feel there is any merit whatsoever in dwelling on counselling you may or may not receive at a Women's Shelter. Again, no one cares as it is not relevant in any way. Because people sometimes use the battered women's thing as a manipulative tool for child custody cases, the last thing I would do would be to mention you have anything to do with those places for fear you come off as appearing to be a maligner. This is merely my personal opinion.

Hope you can see your way to staying focused on facts and data and keep the emotional stuff out.

Best of luck

[Tayken]

Hi

My x in court documents is making me look very controlling, and I'm not sure if I should come back with a timeline as the legal rep at the women's shelter has suggested on the emotional abuse throughout our marriage.

I wouldn't bother with the recommendations from the shelter worker.

See: http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/

Unless, you like being in court for years, wasting family resources and ultimately achieving nothing.

I had gone to do some counselling at the shelter and did a program to help me get back on my feet when I realized what I had been living for so many years.

Warning:

1. Unless the program was delivered by a registered clinician (psychologist, psychiatrist or registered social worker) the materials, and "therapy" were for information and do not constitute as treatment.

2. Interesting that only after this did you come to this conclusion.

Legal rep at the shelter said he's making you look abusive but my lawyer is saying they don't care about that.

The "legal rep" also a "professional" that is actually registered with a law society? If not - they are about as qualified as anyone posting randomly to this forum on what constitutes "legal advice". In fact, if they represented themselves as a legal professional they are breaking the law. (So goes for those playing medical clinician at the shelter too.)

My x is saying how I stopped him from riding his bike, I stopped him from going on his computer, I wouldn't let him grow his business, etc. Even brought in about sex.

As hard as this may be... /ignore this all. It is all rubbish... Your actual lawyer is absolutely correct.

Something to consider:

A Final Observation

[170] I am just one judge in one small pocket of Ontario. But I encourage any family law litigant who cares to listen to think long and hard about the impact of his or her actions during the litigation process on the ultimate trier of fact.

[171] If a parent cannot bring him or herself to reasonableness for the sake of the children, then the parent should do so for purely selfish reasons. A party’s credibility at trial will depend in large part on the reasonableness of his or her conduct along the way.

[172] A parent who has fought every issue as if it was the last stand at Juno Beach, showing no compromise or flexibility throughout, hardly comes to trial with clean hands.

[173] We are past the study phase of how adult conflict affects children. Nobody disputes the proposition that high conflict between parents who have separated or divorced is likely to have a negative impact on the children. So parents should pick their battles. Do not disagree just for the sake of disagreement or because of some default position that anything suggested by the other side must be stupid because it came from “the other side”.

[174] Parenting is a tough job. There is no advantage to making it even tougher by engaging in perpetual combat with one’s former partner. It does the children no good. And it does the parent no good at trial.

CanLII - 2013 ONSC 7269 (CanLII)

So do I not respond and he will look more like an ASS?

Go to court with "clean hands" and don't bother to respond to the nonsense. If children are not involved in your matter it is all useless nonsense as your lawyer has already stated to you.

I know it all depends on the judge and feel in one way if I don't put anything in I'm agreeing or not standing up for myself.

Actually, Judges tend to side with the party that doesn't throw mud. So your best to not throw any back and follow (NOT THE SHELTERS!) advice.

Also feel I need to say how it was in my eyes.

To quote the honourable Justice Mossip:

[17] The Court is left to try to pick up the pieces of the broken family vase which was once whole and full of love. The mother and father actually loved each other very much at one time and the three children were born of that love.

[18] I did not start this decision as a fairy tale begins to be facetious or unkind. I did so to remind the parties where they began; that they once loved each other and were kind to each other; and that their children were born of love. If these parents could have remembered the beginning more, and focussed on the end less, their children would not have suffered so much as a result of the end of their “story” as a couple.

[19] How this family actually got to the place that I have heard about since May, 2011, only they will know; and they only know through their unique and individual perspectives. As Catherine Gildiner wrote in the preface to her book, After the Falls, (Toronto: Alfred A. Knopf Canada, 2009):

Memory is a tricky business. No two people remember things the same way. Memory is not a recording device; it is the brain’s way of allowing us to select moments in order to interpret our pasts. All the images on file in our brains pass through elaborate screens of unconscious needs and emerge as memories.

To that quote I would add that the filtering process we go through helps us “save” ourselves, so that we can present ourselves in the best light possible. It is only through years of often painful therapy that we can understand how much we may have filtered our own experiences to save ourselves. There is nothing insidious or wrong about this process; it is part of the human brain’s brilliance. It is not someone else telling us we are “wrong” in our memory that gives us insight; it is our own reflecting, with professional assistance, that leads us to that level of awareness and understanding about ourselves.

You would be better off talking to a real licensed medical practitioner in mental health about your issues than trying to use the court process as therapy. It is also way cheaper.

The judge doesn't care about hearsay and any party's version of "the truth". It is all irrelevant.

CanLII - 2012 ONSC 3208 (CanLII)

It will cost money and some time so just not sure?

Correction: It will cost LOTS (SH*T LOADS) of money and LOTS (SH*T LOADS) of time and worse it will expend LOTS (SH*T LOADS) of emotional energy.

You don't need to waste the time, money or emotional energy. Save your money, time and mental health. Listen to your lawyer. You will save in the long run.

He's a police officer so he's already stereotyped, big guy, and I have suffered with depression for a long time.

Seek treatment for your depression first and foremost. Don't project blame at the other person. You are the solution to your own problems. Mental health is your responsibility and no one else's. Not your partners, not your children's, not your doctors... etc...

You wonder why I suffered with depression? Guess what? He's gone and I feel so much better.

Well, that doesn't mean he is the cause of your depression. You need to really spend the time and energy working with the appropriate professionals to deal with your issues with depression.

It all comes down to $ anyways doesn't it?

Nope. It comes down to common sense and avoiding emotional reasoning and all the other pitfalls that come with such an emotional situation.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[rockscan]

^^ this. Only you can control your actions and reactions. Move forward, stop living in the past, get your future set. Stop letting your ex's actions (past and present) control you. You want a divorce, period. You want to be healthy, period. You want to move on, period. Everything else is a waste of energy.

[pearl4]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will listen to my lawyer and not waste my money or time.