Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Doubts post seperation....normal?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    WO: that is a very poignant point you made. My ex repulses me by sight/smell and everything else. I think it's nice that you had such deep feelings for her even when things were over. It means you are capable of that, and much more with someone else and under better circumstances. It's also very commendable for you to be able to admit to those feelings. Even if it's not to her. Just to acknowledge it to yourself.

    Edit: great link Blink. So true, smell/scent being the strongest memory trigger.
    Last edited by hadenough; 07-04-2012, 11:51 AM.

    Comment


    • #32
      I had trouble opening Blink's article but I recently saw a Discovery show special on scent and attraction that discussed how scent is also a bodily indicator of one's immune system.

      There are scientific studies out about how a person is generally attracted to the scent of a person with a complimentary immune system...ie, a person that has the immunities that you lack. Scent, as a form of attraction, is extremely important.

      Funny enough, I don't want to bash my ex...but I always had an issue with the way he smelled. I used to buy him a lot of men's cologne to cover up his natural scent and didn't like when he slept in my bed because his smell would be in my sheets. For a long time, I would unconsciously wash the sheets if he spent any time in my bed. On the rare occasion that I hugged him...I would not breathe in deep.

      I realize now that it was just another major incompatibility factor and one that I definitely do not have with my new partner.

      Comment


      • #33
        Leaving the smell thing and going back to the fish...

        I hear so much about Plenty of Fish through work with criminal offenders that I've been completely against the idea of using online dating, but after these endorsements, I gave it a peek last night. I didn't sign up (not really interested in dating till my life is sorted out, but figured I should actually know what the site is about), but just poked around profiles, and within ten minutes, had found my next door neighbour. The world really is as small as they say.

        Comment


        • #34
          After my separation, I peeked into POF as well... had some interesting chats, met a couple guys, and just kept things casual.... I was not interested in looking for a relationship, but I did want to brush up on those 'skills'.... my ex was a very jealous man, and I (sadly) changed myself because of that. I'd forgotten how to talk to other guys - as odd as that sounds... the first few times it felt like I had to look over my shoulder, or really edit myself. Slowly but surely I learned how to be ME again and it felt wonderful!!

          My new partner was not found on POF, but rather Fate. He loves me for who I am, and though he doesn't fully understand what I am going through (relating to ex) he is patient and supportive

          Best wishes to all for all the happiness you need and deserve!!

          Comment


          • #35
            Originally posted by cbarker78 View Post
            After my separation, I peeked into POF as well... had some interesting chats, met a couple guys, and just kept things casual.... I was not interested in looking for a relationship, but I did want to brush up on those 'skills'.... my ex was a very jealous man, and I (sadly) changed myself because of that. I'd forgotten how to talk to other guys - as odd as that sounds... the first few times it felt like I had to look over my shoulder, or really edit myself. Slowly but surely I learned how to be ME again and it felt wonderful!!
            I know exactly how that feels. I used my male coworkers to re-learn those skills, as I also went through a long-term abusive relationship, and needed the security of friends to feel ok with it. Generally i just flirted with them and learned how to open up again with 2 guys I could trust.

            POF: yes, there are some horrible people on there. I was very careful about meeting new people, talking with them about their lives and what they wanted out of POF before I met anyone..and in public!

            What I did was to trust my gut instinct in the initial contact stage and immediately end communication with anyone who just seemed "off". I didn't hide my profile, as I felt I did not want to limit myself to who I thought was worth contacting. I'm sorry, but to me hidden profiles meant "possible cheater", and luckily i didnt meet any of those.

            Actually, I don't think I ever went out with anyone I contacted first..maybe that has to do with the whole "guys needing the chase" part?

            Anyway, I know so many people who have met new relationships online, and some are married now. I don't think it's any worse than meeting someone in a bar, or on vacation etc. You are meeting someone you don't know, that's all. Just be smart about it! And please, include a photo! I didn't respond to ANYONE who didn't include a photo...seriously, there is NOTHING WRONG with meeting people online..so post a pic!

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
              I had trouble opening Blink's article but I recently saw a Discovery show special on scent and attraction that discussed how scent is also a bodily indicator of one's immune system.

              There are scientific studies out about how a person is generally attracted to the scent of a person with a complimentary immune system...ie, a person that has the immunities that you lack. Scent, as a form of attraction, is extremely important.

              Funny enough, I don't want to bash my ex...but I always had an issue with the way he smelled. I used to buy him a lot of men's cologne to cover up his natural scent and didn't like when he slept in my bed because his smell would be in my sheets. For a long time, I would unconsciously wash the sheets if he spent any time in my bed. On the rare occasion that I hugged him...I would not breathe in deep.

              I realize now that it was just another major incompatibility factor and one that I definitely do not have with my new partner.
              Well that bodes well for me: I LOVE the way my new partner smells, with or without cologne.

              Originally posted by billiechic View Post
              ...seriously, there is NOTHING WRONG with meeting people online..
              Agreed!!

              Comment


              • #37
                I can't stand the smell of my ex anymore either. Too much cologne, heavy deodorants etc. Much too "Metro" for me.

                My new BF smells GREAT! Actually, just being close to him calms and relaxes me. Maybe it is his smell?

                Comment


                • #38
                  Billie:

                  My ex always just smelled "off" to me. Almost the same way that I can smell something going jenky in my refrigerator.

                  One of the very first things I noticed about my new partner is that I love burying my nose in his neck. He just smells really good to me...which of course makes me want to be closer to him...and funny enough, later I saw that Discovery special about human attraction and how critical scent is to initial attraction and ongoing sexuality between partners.

                  Here's an article from psychology today about the science behind scent and attraction...its interesting: Scents and Sensibility | Psychology Today

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Doubts ...

                    Hi, I wanted to tell you my story .... quickly!

                    Married 29 years
                    he cheated and lied, 2 kids
                    treated me with no respect - I was able to earn all the money but had no say in how we spent it and he was always "stern" with me - no nice talk, no intimacy (I'm not talking sex)
                    So .... I moved away for work in another city and found that when I was here during the week it was peaceful - but the nagging and hounding kept happening on weekends at home, I had to go home to a dirty house and groceries ....
                    finally, one day when he was nit picking I SNAPPED! and I left.
                    He was very mean calling me every name in the book - me leaving was worse than his cheating or "anything he ever did to me" .... he tried to turn our kids against me (they were really mad at me for a long time)

                    We were separated for about 6 months ... I started having severe anxiety - crazy ... doubting if I "could do it on my own".... upset about the kids .... so (foolishly) I went back ...

                    He was even more cold and distant. We tried counselling but like the 3 other times as soon as he had to work on himself it stopped.
                    We chugged along again, as usual, sweeping it all under the carpet - I fell back into my role of cleaning the house etc .... slowly I started to work on myself ... figuring out what made me happy. Well, here we are a year later and I've left for good. Going back was the worst decision ever.

                    I FEEL FANTASTIC!

                    I know now that I can do it on my own ... my kids still love me ... I have fantastic friends ... I'm meeting great people ... I love being single and FREE! I can do what I want when I want. I am still working on feeling ok about that - for some reason I feel guilty just doing what makes me happy - I guess being in that role of Mom/Wife for so long does that to oneself!

                    Do what you have to do to come to terms - talk to friends, counselling - whatever! When you finally figure it out you will feel great. Honestly, I never thought I would be ok. Even one of my best friends said this weekend that she never thought I'd make it out! She kept encouraging me to do what makes me happy and I finally did.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Hi, I wanted to tell you my story .... quickly!

                      Married 29 years
                      he cheated and lied, 2 kids
                      treated me with no respect - I was able to earn all the money but had no say in how we spent it and he was always "stern" with me - no nice talk, no intimacy (I'm not talking sex)
                      So .... I moved away for work in another city and found that when I was here during the week it was peaceful - but the nagging and hounding kept happening on weekends at home, I had to go home to a dirty house and groceries ....
                      finally, one day when he was nit picking I SNAPPED! and I left.
                      He was very mean calling me every name in the book - me leaving was worse than his cheating or "anything he ever did to me" .... he tried to turn our kids against me (they were really mad at me for a long time)

                      We were separated for about 6 months ... I started having severe anxiety - crazy ... doubting if I "could do it on my own".... upset about the kids .... so (foolishly) I went back ...

                      He was even more cold and distant. We tried counselling but like the 3 other times as soon as he had to work on himself it stopped.
                      We chugged along again, as usual, sweeping it all under the carpet - I fell back into my role of cleaning the house etc .... slowly I started to work on myself ... figuring out what made me happy. Well, here we are a year later and I've left for good. Going back was the worst decision ever.

                      I FEEL FANTASTIC!

                      I know now that I can do it on my own ... my kids still love me ... I have fantastic friends ... I'm meeting great people ... I love being single and FREE! I can do what I want when I want. I am still working on feeling ok about that - for some reason I feel guilty just doing what makes me happy - I guess being in that role of Mom/Wife for so long does that to oneself!

                      Do what you have to do to come to terms - talk to friends, counselling - whatever! When you finally figure it out you will feel great. Honestly, I never thought I would be ok. Even one of my best friends said this weekend that she never thought I'd make it out! She kept encouraging me to do what makes me happy and I finally did.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Originally posted by wretchedotis View Post
                        Maybe you need to have a no obligations romantic encounter to cheer up?

                        If you live in my area, and have really low standards - maybe I can help?

                        lol

                        I know this sounds like a typical "guy" thing to say .... but it does work! YOU GO FOR IT!

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Congratulations Sax.

                          I must say that getting divorced has been a wonderful experience for me too (aside from the family court part). I did the right thing not just for me but for my ex...I was the wrong person for him and we both wasted a lot of time. I truly hope he's able to find happiness with someone else as I have and have a better quality of life.

                          Best wishes to you and your children!

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Thanks! I just had a chat with a friend today and I said that not only was it the best decision I made - I don't like who I am when I'm with him. We just bring out the negative in each other. HAPPY DAYS AHEAD!

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              It has certainly been a while since I have posted. Just wanted to thank everyone for all the support they gave me while I needed it. On the other side now. Settled in my new life and happy. And POF did eventually find me a great guy (after a few duds...). I now have my kids most of the time (their choice), am dating a great guy who always wanted kids and the kids love to death. He spends more waking hours with the kids than me when they are around....being a better "step-dad" than they have had in a Dad. I see a happy future, a new family, with the ex and all the bullshit on the sidelines. The ex tries, almost every day, to take me down...but I am ignoring it now. Drives him crazy, but I am happy.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                I am new to posting but I just wanted to say that this last post has given me hope for the future. Thanks for sharing.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X