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  • can he get 50 50 custody

    Hi. I'm new to the forum. I've been physically separated from my common law spouse for almost 2 months now. We have a 5 year old daughter. Here is my situation I'm hoping someone can provide some information

    My husband began seeing another woman while we were still living together. When I found out, our relationship ended, and he began sleeping in the spare room. That was mid august 2012. We had a "fantasy" weekend on/off agreement but it was never followed. He moved in with this woman mid november. He moved out after telling me he wasn't moving out, moved out when I was gone away for work, did not tell our daughter he was moving out and made no type of arrangements for visitation or custody. We did verbally agree that our daughter would not be introduced to anyone new for at least a year from physical separation.

    I am and always have been the primary caregiver of our daughter. During a heated argument at the end of november after he moved out I was trying to get out of him what his plans were for our daughter. During our relationship and even more so since he started seeing this woman, his time with our daughter has been very limited. Since he moved out almost 2 months ago, he has not spent any significant amount of time with her, a few hours here and there and there was one sleepover visit at our home. He has attended some school functions (with me) and there has been no "outings" or one on one activities with him and our daughter, by his choice. His phone calls are sporatic (altho that seems to have improved this week by the fact that our daughter has been asking me to call him and I do). He told me during this argument he was just "going with the flow and then in a years time she was going to go live with him for a week on/week off".

    During this week, I again tried to firm up a visitation schedule with him that we verbally agreed to over christmas. A child therapist recommended that our daughter have specific days/times that she would see her father because it was confusing for her for him to be coming and going at different times and "popping in" without notice (my daughter and I still live in our family home for the time being). We agreed to supper one night a week and he would spend time with her one weekend night per month. As that is what it has been since he moved out. He of course has every right and complete access to see her any other time but he simply has not made the effort. When I tried to firm up this agreement through email, he responded saying he did not agree and again said he wanted her 7 days on/7 days off. I am not sure if he meant now, soon, or in the future.

    I realize that he can apply for any type of custody that he wants but I will never agree to 50 50 custody and have told him that from the start.

    Does he have any case for this type of custody?

    I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks very much.

  • #2
    Why would you want to deny your daughter her father? You really contradict yourself when you say he has every right to see his daughter whenever and then you say you will never agree to 50-50... Why the heck not? It is in your child's best interest to spend maximum time with her father and you. You both are important to her and as hard as it may be for you, your child will benefit more from 50-50 custody.

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    • #3
      I am not denying my daughter her father at all. But I have been the one that has taken care of her since day 1. He does not interact or spend any quality time with her, and I have been responsible for her upbringing and everything that goes along with it. She is currently with me full time now and has been since he moved out. He does not live in our school district, I don't even know where he lives.

      So yes I do agree that maximum time is best but do not agree to shuffling her back and forth for a week at a time is in her best interest. I have been the one to provide a consistent stable environment for her.

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      • #4
        So what do you think is acceptable for him to have?

        Just so you know, 50-50 is becoming the norm and you may have to say why it is not in her best interest. Again you contradict yourself in stating he doesn't live in the school district but then say you don't know where he lives... Just know that these contradictions will work against you if he pushes to court...

        50-50 is not shuffling, kids are easily adaptable... Take some time to look up some threads by Tayken... That will be very insightful for you.

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        • #5
          You've been doing it all up to now - no argument there. But that's no reason to prevent him from taking an equal role - if that's really what he wants.

          He's probably scared that if he agrees to less, then 50-50 will never happen. And based on my readings in this forum, it is a VERY real fear.

          And you feel that jumping right into 50-50 is too big a change from your current arrangement. Also quite reasonable.

          So, why don't you discuss a graduated schedule, with specific dates, starting with 1 weekend overnight a week (or 2 every 2 weeks), with a midweek supper added in, then gradually add in extra overnights to get to 7-7, or 2-2-5-5 (that's alternating weekends, and you always get mon-tues, and he always gets weds-thurs).

          Summer vacation planning is starting soon, so that will be a great time for your daughter to spend some solid time with her dad - I'd say at least 2 1-week periods is in order (assuming the graduated plan is working).

          Supper at your house is not 'parenting' - it's 'visiting'.

          'Shuffling' is inevitable (I'm at a loss to understand how you could logically think otherwise????). The question is - what is the best frequency?

          If he wants to be able to take them to school, he'll have to live close enough to make that practical.
          Last edited by dinkyface; 01-10-2013, 09:57 PM.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by scaredmama View Post


            I realize that he can apply for any type of custody that he wants but I will never agree to 50 50 custody and have told him that from the start.

            Does he have any case for this type of custody?

            I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks very much.
            You get in front of a judgee and the judge will decide, you will not have a choice. Best to get use to the idea now.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
              He's probably scared that if he agrees to less, then 50-50 will never happen. And based on my readings in this forum, it is a very real fear.

              And you feel that jumping right into 50-50 is too big a change from your current arrangement.

              So, why don't you discuss a graduated schedule, with specific dates, starting with 1 weekend overnight a week (or 2 every 2 weeks), with a midweek supper added in, then gradually add in extra overnights to get to 7-7, or 2-2-5-5 (that's alternating weekends, and you always get mon-tues, and he always gets weds-thurs).

              Summer vacation planning is starting soon, so that will be a great time for your daughter to spend some solid time with her dad - I'd say at least 2 1-week periods is in order (assuming the graduated plan is working).

              Supper at your house is not 'parenting' - it's 'visiting'.

              'Shuffling' is inevitable (how can you logically think otherwise????). The question is - what is the best frequency?
              Great advice... Think about what is best for your daughter, not your own emotional reasoning... Your daughter wants to spend time with her father, but you seem to fear being away from your daughter. As Standing stated, if this gets in front of a judge you are allowing a complete stranger to decide what's best for your daughter... Don't you think it would be better for her parents to decide a parenting schedule?

              Comment


              • #8
                If this were to go to court, a judge may look at it in this respect;

                He left the home - his first mistake. This established that you are and have been the primary caregiver.

                He has not exercised regular time with her.

                2 months have elapsed - this is not enough to establish an after separation status quo.

                He is now, after two months has passed, demanding 50/50. This can be when the financial implications (realization) come into play. However, the maximum contact rule should apply if he is a good and loving father. It would be much different if he only started requesting this several months or years afterwards.

                Sometimes parents realize the implications their decisions have and how it might affect their child only afterwards. It could be it took him two months to realize how much he wanted to be a father to your child. Some need time to take stock of the things that matter most to them.

                He should be proposing a plan to first create regular access, then increase it in his proposal to establish 50/50, not just all at once right off the bat.

                Judges look at containment for the child (as do psychologists), to try to limit the negative impact divorce has.

                You need to take the fact that he has cheated and lives with the other woman out of it. While it does not cast him in a positive respect as to moral character, it has no bearing on custody or access or what is best for your child. I agree introducing new love interests can be confusing for children during this process and should be well thought out as to how it will be done.

                Rather then being dead set against shared physical custody you may wish to respond at this stage with asking that he first establish regular contact and time (with gradual increase) first. You may wish to propose mediation.

                Your concerns are valid - but try to take what he has done to you out of the equation.

                Document all that has occurred over the last few months. Calls, use of access, any cancellations. Summarize what things you both did for the child and the household prior to separation. This is for just you right now, however, if it goes to court - you may need it for your timeline.

                If you are adamantly against shared physical custody, be certain the reasons are not your own feelings of hurt and loss. This will affect your child for the rest of the child's life. Try to think only of your child and what is best for her.

                Best of luck.

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                • #9
                  I know he does not live in our school district.
                  I believe in consistency for children and I have been the consistent parent.
                  The access and visitation that he has with her now is what HE wants, not me. I do not interfere at all. If he wants 50 50 then why hasn't he done so since day 1?
                  And how could he even do it where he is living with a woman who our daughter cannot meet for 10 more months?
                  Every second weekend is very common where I live and I am open to that idea. I also have a feeling that he is concerned about child support because if he got 50 50 he would not have to pay. And I am hoping that we will not have to go to court and can resolve this either through mediation or lawyers alone.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by scaredmama
                    I know he does not live in our school district.
                    I believe in consistency for children and I have been the consistent parent.
                    The access and visitation that he has with her now is what HE wants, not me. I do not interfere at all. If he wants 50 50 then why hasn't he done so since day 1?
                    And how could he even do it where he is living with a woman who our daughter cannot meet for 10 more months?
                    Every second weekend is very common where I live and I am open to that idea. I also have a feeling that he is concerned about child support because if he got 50 50 he would not have to pay. And I am hoping that we will not have to go to court and can resolve this either through mediation or lawyers alone.
                    Blah Blah Blah (please - put you thinking hat on, and read what you wrote).

                    Let him try it.

                    (Here's where I'm expecting to start hearing about the drunk driving, cancerous tumours, criminal records, bald tires, horrible mental abuse ....)
                    Last edited by dinkyface; 01-10-2013, 10:06 PM.

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                    • #11
                      I do not understand your response???

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                      • #12
                        You are using emotional reasoning, you are not thinking what is best for your child... If he is willing to drive the child to school you have less of a case... I believe right now the case law mentions 40-45 minutes is an acceptable driving distance.

                        You are new to this, so take the advice from people who have been dealing with this and take time to read through some threads... You are not doing your daughter any favours by suggesting every other weekend is all he should get.

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                        • #13
                          What does "containment of the child" mean?
                          And yes this is emotional. The thought of my daughter living with him for a week at a time when he doesn't and hasn't paid her any attention, doesn't tell her he loves her, isn't involved in her life or her upbringing, is very emotional.
                          He may say he wants it, but so far he has not proven it. Can he just say "well ill start doing that"? Doesn't there have to be proof?

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                          • #14
                            He is not a bad person, I loved him for a reason. He just has no bond with our child and no proven effort to establish one.

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                            • #15
                              Give him what he wants.

                              I mean 'shared custody'.

                              If he's as useless as you probably want to believe he is, he'll freak out and give it back.

                              If not, maybe he'll turn into the man you always wanted him to be - even if it is too late to for you two to reconcile.

                              Comment

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