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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #1  
Old 01-08-2018, 05:31 PM
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billm billm is offline
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Default Finally divorced after 10 years!

I separated in August 2007

I joined this forum in September 2008, posted thousands of times, but have not been here for years. Thought I'd post what is likely the conclusion.

3 Kids, 50/50. I self rep'd 4 times in court - nothing ever settled by court (ie original agreement was all we ever used). Ex recently and finally gave up and withdrew all her claims (after going through 4 lawyers) and we filed for divorce agreeing to no longer do any type of support etc - 2 kids are adults, the other is cared for equally.

Divorce was finalized December 4, 2017
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Old 01-08-2018, 06:17 PM
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Hi Bill - congratulations. You are right - we haven't heard from you in a long time. I just skimmed over some of your old posts and found the one you did after your first case conference. So, in a nut-shell, what happened? I will include that post below:
Hi all,

Well I have crossed the line, and have now been inside a court house in front of a judge, meet my ex's lawyer for the first time. I am self represented.

Separated 4.5 years, I thought all was settled, assets divided evenly, support being paid (shared 50/50 custody of kids - which has not been a problem), both working professionals. Separation agreement in place, along with some verbal/email agreements - still needing comprehensive agreement, but I had not heard any specific complaints other than "why don't you pay me more".

A couple of months ago I was served with form 8 that opened every issue except access and custody (equalization, spousal support, child support, shared expenses), I replied with form 10. They refused to meet with me to discuss.

We recently had our case conference, I spent a lot of time in creating my brief and preparing.

The summary is that all went well actually! The judge was very reasonable, level headed etc, my ex's lawyer seemed reasonable and seemed to get that I was someone that was reasonable and informed (despite emails from her previously that I was not).

Overall I 'won', but I did make some concessions that I would have had no issue with anyway - so big waste of time and money for my ex, but whatever, as long as we can get this done and divorced finally.

Equalization - judge said its been over 3 years since, and my ex had agreed to all numbers in the division, and had a lawyer at the time. Really the issue was the valuation of the two houses (we both exchanged real estate valuations (not paid for assessments) for both of our properties and agreed on prices). Ex wanted paid for assessments done now and use those values, I said it was done over 3 years ago, we exchanged info, and there has been no mention of it until now. The judge sided with me and said ex accepted all and was informed. So that is that!

Child support - real issues is what is my income - I am self employed. I used the profit of my company plus what I paid myself, was totally open about my method, we exchanged tax info every year and I adjusted the numbers. Ex says I should use gross income of my company and not net - I say my expenses are all legit and all my income is reported (which ex agreed). I agreed to pay retro CS based on a review of my expenses and disallowing some that case law supports are not reasonable for CS.

Spousal support - my ex and I agreed after separation 4 years ago to a SS agreement that is not based on SSAG, was time limited for 6 years (married 15). She was a nurse until kids, stopped working 12 years, went back to being nurse after separation - we agreed that I would pay 2/3 of the difference between the bottom of the pay scale and the top, getting less every year, for six years. This was because she lost her pay seniority, which she would not have if she didn't stay home with the kids. A simple compensatory SS. We agreed verbally, sent it in writing to her lawyer, lawyer replied and said that she accepts and that is what we have been doing since.

Ex states that she never agreed, I pressured her blah blah blah. I have all emails exchanged, and signed receipts. Judge said that the agreement may be put aside, but was not prepared to order SS other than what I was already paying, which is not much at this point. We decided to try to come up with an agreement on spousal. This will be the most challenging because I feel she is trying to wiggle out of something she truly did agree to, and accepted payment for, and never suggested anything else be done. Also, my income was crap this year and I made as much as my ex, so that took some of the wind out of their sails in front of the judge. Also I know there is no case for retro SS even if the agreement is put aside, as she accepted all payments, and never disputed the agreement until her court application. Retro SS would only be from the court application date.

Shared expenses. We have shared some, but my view is that she usually says she can't afford to share in my expenses, but always wants me to share in hers. I simply want it written down how we share expenses, I suggested to share all expenses that are not specific to each house (50/50 shared custody), but she thinks that is too much work - so I simply want her to tell me what she wants, not what she does not want! The judge did not have much opinion on this. I have kept a receipt for every shared expense since separation, so I'm ready anytime to do what my ex wants.

After the CC we meet immediately (me, ex, her lawyer), and the discussion did not go as well, but was okay - we decided to meet in a few weeks, with some email exchanged before that, and hopefully come to an agreement.

My only concern is that my ex has spent a fair amount on lawyers (she has had two), and going to this CC was expensive and she will not be satisfied unless she gets some money from me, regardless of if it is reasonable.

The other thing, which I expected, is that her lawyer used numbers for income that her lawyer admitted were not realistic, but it resulted in a total owing of over 100K! My view is that I owe none, expect for a small adjustment perhaps for disallowing some of my expenses. So I am not looking forward to dealing with her lawyer who I think is looking to get a settlement that is not based on facts, but emotion - AND her lawyer told me as much - basically asking me for a lump sum to make this all go away, one that was not based on facts! I said I have no problem paying for things that are reasonable, lets just deal with each issue independently.

So my view is that in front of the judge, her lawyer was reasonable, and the judges opinions made sense to me (if when I hoped for a different one). But when not in front of the judge her lawyer was seeking money that was not reasonable or logical - so I view this as going to court and self representing would be something I am okay with if my ex can't be reasonable. I have realized that my ex will never be happy with me, so I am not willing to just pay her off, because that will not work - she will always think my grass is greener and it is my fault.

Its been over 4 years, I should be done with all this. Funny, when my ex runs low on money, she blames me. When I run low on money, I blame me too!

So final summary, the system works, CC was useful, even if it was stressful before and took a lot of work to prepare for.

Hopefully that is the end of us in the court house and I will be divorced this year!!!
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Old 01-09-2018, 10:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
I separated in August 2007

I joined this forum in September 2008, posted thousands of times, but have not been here for years. Thought I'd post what is likely the conclusion.

3 Kids, 50/50. I self rep'd 4 times in court - nothing ever settled by court (ie original agreement was all we ever used). Ex recently and finally gave up and withdrew all her claims (after going through 4 lawyers) and we filed for divorce agreeing to no longer do any type of support etc - 2 kids are adults, the other is cared for equally.

Divorce was finalized December 4, 2017
Bill! Wow. Blast from the past. Glad to hear that everything finally settled out. Next thing you know NBDad is going to show up letting us know that his nightmare is over too or that unicorns exist and do in fact fart giltter.

If she withdrew her claim you can still claim costs... :P But, at this point... You are probably better enjoying the silence and not continuing the nightmare.

Mess! WHERE ARE YOU MESS!!!

Cheers!
Tayken
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Old 01-09-2018, 11:08 PM
piggybanktoex piggybanktoex is offline
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For the payor (mainly men) the divorce isn't final until the last payment.

I will consider myself truly divorced in 2027. That's 18 years after the paperwork that said I was divorced.
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Old 01-10-2018, 09:58 AM
ifonlyihadknown ifonlyihadknown is offline
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Too true...

I won't be truly divorced until when I turn 65 and may or may not be able to retire, I die, or my ex dies - minimum 15 years after separation.
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