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  • #46
    I lost pretty much everything in my divorce. My ex and his g/f had "street smarts" and managed to out-manoeuvre me at lightning speed. My divorce lasted 9 months but the fall-out has been 4 years since that time. 4 years of court defending a spousal support agreement which is a fraction of money I lost.

    I have survived and so will you. Houses come and go as do other "things." You are still relatively young and can amass assets once again. You may never be the top dog you are now but you will learn, in time, to adapt.

    Just remember that the longer this drags out the more of your hard-earned money goes to the lawyers. Actually the lawyers are the only people who "win" in the end.

    Divorce after a long marriage is devastating. It takes a lifetime to build the nest -egg and but a few months in family court to destroy it.

    You can consider partial cash settlement and a gradually reducing spousal support with a very strong and specific "material change of circumstance" statement.

    One positive tidbit for you to chew on: If both you and your wife considered your reaching age 55 (or whatever) as a date of retirement, then that could be a very important factor for your lawyer to consider. If you do some reading on CanLii for divorce of long-term marriages, you will note that justices do look at the mutually agreed upon age of retirement. Retirement is not always age 65. If you have specific retirement plans, which your wife was aware of, then you just may have something.....

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    • #47
      1. Reset your expectations. Lower them - you aren't going to be doing anything you've been planning to do. That is the reality of divorce.

      2. Take everything you have and liquidate then give her at LEAST half the money.

      3. Take your future income divide it into and you maybe get to keep half.

      4. Prepare to work as long as you are healthy while she sits at home and collects.

      I am sorry for your situation but this is the reality for people in your case which is why so many people go AWOL.

      Enjoy yourself....

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      • #48
        Originally posted by Links17 View Post
        1. Reset your expectations. Lower them - you aren't going to be doing anything you've been planning to do. That is the reality of divorce.

        2. Take everything you have and liquidate then give her at LEAST half the money.

        3. Take your future income divide it into and you maybe get to keep half.

        4. Prepare to work as long as you are healthy while she sits at home and collects.

        I am sorry for your situation but this is the reality for people in your case which is why so many people go AWOL.

        Enjoy yourself....

        One little problem with going AWOL is a thing called "health insurance." As one ages health issues arise. Unless he is sitting on some serious money, he would find himself in quite a pickle if he needs access to 24 hr health care in some countries. I have a friend who high-tailed it to Brazil many years ago. He has now burned through most of his money and finds himself, for the first time in his life, in very poor health. Now he's pretty much stuck there as airlines won't let him fly.

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        • #49
          The cold hard reality sucks. There is little chance of my happiness. She controls my life. She controls my destiny. All the financial issues are mine to solve. She is tucked away watching tv or whatever she does in the morning and visiting the grandkids in the afternoon. I am a slave to her governed by the laws of Ontario. How is this right?

          In what kind of a free country do we live in if this is possible? That sounds corny but it is my state now. Today I say screw the business and wallow alone in my no longer can afford but have to pay for house along with a k a month loc along with all the expenses of everything. I am just a slave to the situation

          How can this be okay? If anyone wants to knock me when I am down feel free. That is what I really need is a negative response. Someone to slap me hard.

          Typical. I am editing this since most of my post did not make it. Please please nobody slap me hard. No offence to Arabian or links17 but to be brutally honest I cannot read either of your posts. You add nothing but despair. I am here for comfort. I hate where I am at I hate my life I hate everything. I am no longer in control of anything. What little I can control just leads me to a new problem.

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          • #50
            your life has changed, its still in the early stages so you haven't wrapped your head around it yet. Some of us on here have never owned their own home let alone a cottage so you had it better then some and probably will come out of this better then others.

            Life throws us curve balls, its up to us to decide what to do with them. Do you really think that four walls and a roof is your only legacy to leave your son? Maybe he wouldn't of even wanted the cottage anyways and would have sold it. You put too much value on a material possession. It wasn't/isn't what defines you as a man, husband or father.

            What did you think divorce was going to be like, especially after a long marriage?? Did you think it would be a case of she would just ride into the sunset leaving you with everything? It is a huge life changing event in some cases.

            Honestly you really need to talk to some professionals for some mental help and to some sort of financial advisor to see what your options are. Things may not be as doom and gloom as you think. Yes you may not have the same amount of wealth and material possessions but what happens if the cottage would of burnt down or you lost your business or heaven forbid became disabled? You can still come out of this better then other people have.

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            • #51
              I do think I put too much value on some material things. I agree with you on that. I am under health care now. I go every 2 weeks. I could go see accountant but if it went like lawyer it just confirms what I did not want to beleive. Many people are worse off than me. I accept that. I am fortunate to have what I did for a while. I just hate the new reality. I am reduced to a slave. A person who lives to pay support. I think I am a control freak. I will admit that. Now it seems I have no control. I just am here to serve my ex. All the problems are mine. Her life is good.

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              • #52
                I read read and read. Everyone says what were ya thinking? I obviously had visions of grandeur. I somehow thought I could be happy again. The walls came crashing down yesterday. I am in a big "down" now. I need a up day since I feel so defeated. The honourable and good thing to do is ride this out. I cannot accept I have little control.

                The bean counters out there can comment on situation. I keep saying cash will rule. Eventually cash may dictate my direction. I hate the thought of lack of control. Ex says I was a control freak. Okay. I am a control freak. I made us millionaires so why is this bad? I even have a problem saying it since "we" we're millionaires but apart we are ******. Maybe the equalization payment can be delayed. When I talk to family one keeps telling me I will not lose cottage. Financially I do not see how I will not.

                I try to hold on to her thought but the realistic me says I am screwed. I know I am whining and complaining when many are worse off. Unfortunately that gives me no comfort. I am maybe on the pitty pot. Text from my ex says get off it. Maybe she is right. She cannot put herself in my shoes since at this stage it is all win for her and all lose for me.

                My fingers are pouring out my thoughts. I may bore many who say that guy is lucky he enjoyed what he did. I recognize that. I just am having huge problems facing the new reality that to sum up - I am reduced to a slave.

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                • #53
                  You need a dose of reality.

                  Only you can make yourself happy. You can chose to accept reality, accept that you don't control everything, accept that the law is what it is. And chose to focus on moving on with your life.

                  You can't control your ex. She can't control you. She can force you to a settlement/court order that complies with the law. You can choose to spend considerable time and energy fighting that. Or you can chose to accept that inevitability and move on.

                  My ex didn't contribute to any of my mortgage payments, property tax payments,any household bills. When it came to the mutually agreed time for her to go back to work, she faked an dibilitating disease.
                  In the end, she forced the end of the marriage and walked away with half the assets. I was down too, but I learned to accept what I could not change and focus on the positives. I had a chance to change my life. I lost weight, I got back into hobbies that I enjoyed, I reconnected with old friends. I chose to be happy.

                  It is understandable and natural to go through a cycle of depression after an event like this.

                  But understand you chose your future. Money won't make you happy. You will make you happy.

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                  • #54
                    Is it okay to hate my ex? This woman after roughly 30 years is seemingly enjoying this. Okay, maybe that is not fair. Recent text says she lost her house and lost her cottage how could that be enjoying. Fair statement I guess. This may sound selfish but it even bother me to read her referring it to it as hers. The reality is my hard work and diligence handed that to her. She had no financial responsibility. In fact she blames me for the situation we are in. It is all my fault. How can I not hate her?

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by Craigerst View Post
                      Is it okay to hate my ex? This woman after roughly 30 years is seemingly enjoying this. Okay, maybe that is not fair. Recent text says she lost her house and lost her cottage how could that be enjoying. Fair statement I guess. This may sound selfish but it even bother me to read her referring it to it as hers. The reality is my hard work and diligence handed that to her. She had no financial responsibility. In fact she blames me for the situation we are in. It is all my fault. How can I not hate her?
                      My friend, I heartily suggest therapy. You need to talk this out.

                      Sure it is a natural instinct but hating her doesn't damage her, it damages you. Hating her gives her power over you. It drains you emotionally. It keeps you stuck where you are instead of going forward.

                      STOP TEXTING HER. STOP INTERACTING EMOTIONALLY WITH HER. Keep your interactions civil, and business like and related to coming together on an agreement, or related to kids.

                      You have more time for yourself now. Find some distractions. Read, exercise, meet up with friends. Don't spend time bitching about the ex. Spend time figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life.

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                      • #56
                        I speak honestly and openly with siblings. Not sure what therapy will accomplish. I guess everyone thinks 1800doctor is the answer.

                        Today I must get off the pitty pot. I must stand straight and face reality. The pity pot is where I am at. Truthfully I am not moving off it today. My strength is sapped. I will moan and complain to my siblings and this forum. I accept what today is. It is feel sorry for myself day until I have more strength. Good or bad I do not know. It is what it is.

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                        • #57
                          your reaction to your wife's text is quite revealing to me.

                          You find it puzzling that she too is unhappy at loss of house and cottage as you paid for everything.

                          So if she contributed nothing for all these years then what does that make her? Your personal slave? I can think of nothing more demeaning than to be a kept woman. You certainly don't seem to acknowledge any form of contribution from her. You will find out very soon, if you haven't already, that the courts do indeed acknowledge her contribution to the marriage.

                          Thank goodness we have the current system in place or people like your wife, me and many others, would be bag women tossed out on the street at the end of a long marriage.

                          This is not a conspiracy against you this is civilized western society which has a judicial system in place to ensure that people leaving a marriage do so on equal footing. Your personal interpretation on who put in the most cash throughout the marriage is irrelevant so you'd best leave this thought process behind in the dust.

                          Move forward and quit wallowing. If you don't get your shit together your wife's lawyer will make minced meat out of you. After a year or two of litigation you'll look back to now and have huge regrets for not trying to reach a settlement. By that time, after paying huge retainers to your lawyers, you and your wife probably won't be texting anymore.

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                          • #58
                            Cheers to your post Arabian!

                            Also I just cant resist this thread.....You think your life is shitty now cause you have to devide your assets? Just wait sir, it gets worse. Keep fighting and all the shit will hit the fan when you get your legal bills.

                            You'll lose even more cash and be even more depressed!

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                            • #59
                              My ex has tried just about everything to get out of Spousal Support so I am personally experienced in this area.

                              One time my ex (who is currently 62 yrs old) tried to say he was "retiring." Judge laughed at that and told him that if he was to take his affidavit as being accurate then my ex is a long way off from being able to afford to retire, in fact the judge said that by looking at ex's financial situation he will likely never be able to retire. Therefore there is no material change of circumstances. I believe my ex has a difficult time comprehending that past sworn affidavits, which sit in our continuing court file, do indeed come back to bite him in the ass.

                              So it doesn't really pay to hide one's assets as one has to show one can afford to retire.

                              Laying all the cards on the table is the best way to proceed IMO. The judges that have made decisions in our case feel that a 60+ male is quite able to provide income and SS. Oh, and yes my ex did try the 'medical' route but failed miserably. Those pesky medical specialists didn't seem to want to perjure themselves for him.

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                              • #60
                                My partners ex was the "breadwinner" as she had a stable job with a high income. But that doesnt mean my partner sat around reaping the benefits. He cooked, cleaned, did the heavy lifting and fixing. He looked after the kids and was there for bed time bath time and homework time. His ex felt he was owed nothing because she made the bulk of the money that allowed him to have a nice house etc. You might think that by buying all this stuff she didnt have much to contribute but ask yourself:

                                Who cooked and cleaned so you had nice houses and things?
                                Who did your laundry so you had clean clothes to go to work?
                                Who held your hand through the ups and downs of your success?

                                Your ex contributed to the life you built in ways that go beyond money. Dont just assume that because you paid for everything she did nothing. Many many many spouses paid in ways that arent $$$.

                                My mother stayed home with us and kept a beautiful home. Cleaned and cooked for my father. Managed all the finances and balanced all the books. Kept him taken care of so all he had to worry about was getting up and going to work every day. Should she have been penalized because she carried this burden? The courts think not.

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