Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need help very badly

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need help very badly

    First, I would like to say hello. I am new here, and was referred by a friend, after explaining my situation.

    Details......have been separated since November 2011....two children, but only one is a product of the marriage. My boys are now almost 10(the child in question) and almost 17. After separating, youngest was with me full time, seeing his father 2 or 3 weekends a month and any other time he requested that I could accommodate.

    In May of 2012, my ex and I decided to go through mediation to do a separation agreement, as I did not have the money to go to court and fight him(I had recently had surgery, almost lost my leg, wasn't working as a result of the surgery). He paid my half of the mediation out of the money he was going to have to give me for the buyout for the house. I was agreeable to the shared/joint custody, but against the 50/50 time split as my son(then 8) did not want to be at his dad's two weeks out of the month. I agreed to it, thinking that if it didn't work, he would be amicable to change the agreement for our son's sake.

    50/50 shared time began in July of 2012. A week about, with Mondays being the day he returns to the other parent. Our son immediately did not like it, but I made him go. Knowing that it really is best for him to spend equal time with both of his parents, I thought he may need a period of adjustment. He would cry every time he had to go to his dads....etc etc etc.


    fast forward to now.....both my ex and I have new partners in our lives, and cohabitate with those significant others. We live about a 10 minute walk from each other, to keep schooling easy for our son. For about the past yr, our son has stated every single time he has to go back to his dads......"mom, do I have to go, I hate it there. He states that my ex's gf is not nice to him, treats him differently than her own children. Gives him chores that are inappropriate for a nine year old, and punishments that most would find harsh.

    They fight a lot and scream at each other, and call names in front of the our son. She puts down my parenting skills in the presence of our son. Has yelled at me in front of our son, and has physically assaulted me(tried to push me off the porch while I was getting my son). My ex tells my son he has to like her(son hates her).

    When he gets in trouble there, and comes to my house and tells, if I deem something inappropriate has occurred, I ask his dad about it, my son then gets in trouble the following week he goes to their house. I have since stopped saying anything to his dad, as I don't want our son to feel that I can't keep his confidence. I bought my son a cell phone, so I could communicate with him without bothering the ex or his gf.

    When he would go there, they would take it away from him, keep it on the counter, and limit his time(either texting, or talking). Finally I cancelled the phone, and his dad complained. I have listened to all of the complaints, and told our son that he needed to tell his dad he didn't want to do the 50/50 anymore. He has told his dad on numerous occasions, his dad doesn't seem to care.

    He really doesn't want to be there to the point that, a few months ago.....he told his before school care provider that when he goes to his dads, his dad hits him, I called police and cas, and got no help. There turned out to be no validity to his claim, and CAS dropped the case but did find that the parenting at his dads was at times military like and unnecessarily harsh.

    He really doesn't want to go, what do I do, can he make up his own mind. If I call a lawyer and start proceedings to change the agreement, will what my son wants be taken into account. Or is he still too young

    There is so much more to this story also, but fear I have already written too much.
    Please help
    Last edited by blinkandimgone; 07-07-2014, 10:28 AM. Reason: added paragraphs

  • #2
    You can sit down with your ex and explain that you are very concerned to the point that you feel it necessary to begn legal action to make a change to the 50/50. You're concerned about the way your child is behaving after being there, his treatment by the ex etc.

    Then if that doesn't work you would have to begin legal proceedings - starting with a case conference...its a long long long long process - it would take 2 years to take to trial at which point the child's opinion at trial would be taken seriously. But there is no easy short answer. Perhaps the threat of legal process might soften your husband to being some form of mitigating action to see if he can soften the ex's treatment etc.

    I have to tell you the last bit about calling CAS is devastating to your case. It makes you look like it is you driving this. Be careful you could be considered for a investigation that perhaps its you alienating your child...trying to frustrate your husband's time with the child and a consequence of pursuing this could be that he ends up with full custody.

    I am taking your entire story as the gospel, the truth...and just advising as the allegation that turned out to be false is a huge strike against you and an impartial party would look at this a big red flag.

    It really is best to try to find a way to sit everyone down perhaps with a mediator and try to work this out with the adults involved.

    It may be incredibly messy but its the swiftest way to resolve and will save you about $60,000 in legal fees.

    My guess is even if you qualify for Legal Aid...they wouldn't touch this with a ten foot pole.

    Just my two cents...lots of much more qualified opinions on here then mine.

    Comment


    • #3
      I think Headwaters is correct - the police/CAS incident really doesn't look good. It makes you look like you're trying to build an (unfounded) case against the father. And cancelling the phone also looks odd - if you're concerned about his well-being at his father's house, why cut off the phone? Similarly, a physical altercation with his girlfriend doesn't look good - was this provoked in any way? Were there witnesses who can corroborate your account? Ditto the repeated calls to his father about your son's reports of "inappropriate things", or the gf not being nice to him. This could look like interfering in his parenting.

      I am asking these questions not to cast doubt on you but to point out how your story reads to an outsider. I'm sorry for the situation your son is in, but from what you've said, there isn't enough here to remove 50/50 from your ex, especially as you agreed to it in mediation. You and your ex obviously have different parenting styles, but that isn't the same as being an unfit parent.

      Your son is also nine years old - he is not old enough to decide where he lives or how much time he spends with his father. You shouldn't be encouraging him to tell his father he doesn't want to do 50/50 - you should be telling him that the adults have made this decision for good reasons. This is for the parents to decide, and it's in his best interests to maintain as strong a relationship as possible with both parents.

      Your son might benefit from some counselling with a neutral adult figure whom he can talk to about what is obviously a confusing time, being pulled in different directions between two parents.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Allformyboy View Post
        First, I would like to say hello. I am new here, and was referred by a friend, after explaining my situation.

        Details......have been separated since November 2011....two children, but only one is a product of the marriage. My boys are now almost 10(the child in question) and almost 17. After separating, youngest was with me full time, seeing his father 2 or 3 weekends a month and any other time he requested that I could accommodate.

        In May of 2012, my ex and I decided to go through mediation to do a separation agreement, as I did not have the money to go to court and fight him(I had recently had surgery, almost lost my leg, wasn't working as a result of the surgery). He paid my half of the mediation out of the money he was going to have to give me for the buyout for the house. I was agreeable to the shared/joint custody, but against the 50/50 time split as my son(then 8) did not want to be at his dad's two weeks out of the month. I agreed to it, thinking that if it didn't work, he would be amicable to change the agreement for our son's sake.

        50/50 shared time began in July of 2012. A week about, with Mondays being the day he returns to the other parent. Our son immediately did not like it, but I made him go. Knowing that it really is best for him to spend equal time with both of his parents, I thought he may need a period of adjustment. He would cry every time he had to go to his dads....etc etc etc.


        fast forward to now.....both my ex and I have new partners in our lives, and cohabitate with those significant others. We live about a 10 minute walk from each other, to keep schooling easy for our son. For about the past yr, our son has stated every single time he has to go back to his dads......"mom, do I have to go, I hate it there. He states that my ex's gf is not nice to him, treats him differently than her own children. Gives him chores that are inappropriate for a nine year old, and punishments that most would find harsh.

        They fight a lot and scream at each other, and call names in front of the our son. She puts down my parenting skills in the presence of our son. Has yelled at me in front of our son, and has physically assaulted me(tried to push me off the porch while I was getting my son). My ex tells my son he has to like her(son hates her).

        When he gets in trouble there, and comes to my house and tells, if I deem something inappropriate has occurred, I ask his dad about it, my son then gets in trouble the following week he goes to their house. I have since stopped saying anything to his dad, as I don't want our son to feel that I can't keep his confidence. I bought my son a cell phone, so I could communicate with him without bothering the ex or his gf.

        When he would go there, they would take it away from him, keep it on the counter, and limit his time(either texting, or talking). Finally I cancelled the phone, and his dad complained. I have listened to all of the complaints, and told our son that he needed to tell his dad he didn't want to do the 50/50 anymore. He has told his dad on numerous occasions, his dad doesn't seem to care.

        He really doesn't want to be there to the point that, a few months ago.....he told his before school care provider that when he goes to his dads, his dad hits him, I called police and cas, and got no help. There turned out to be no validity to his claim, and CAS dropped the case but did find that the parenting at his dads was at times military like and unnecessarily harsh.

        He really doesn't want to go, what do I do, can he make up his own mind. If I call a lawyer and start proceedings to change the agreement, will what my son wants be taken into account. Or is he still too young

        There is so much more to this story also, but fear I have already written too much.
        Please help
        You have that in writing from CAS right?

        You have NO say in how your ex parents your son on his time.

        If you take it to court your son will most likely get his own lawyer and his wishes could be taken into account, but the fact that you called the cops and got CAS involed and they found nothing doesn't look good on you.

        I know nothing of you but you very much sound like you are trying to control your ex and how he parents. Your son may be telling you he doesn't like it there to please you or he may really not like it there.

        Is this the way your ex parented when you were together?

        Comment


        • #5
          As a mother I can sympathize with your concerns. Your ex and new g/f seem very strict with the boy though I would caution you about calling it abuse.

          Since you have a shared parenting situation, it would be in your child's best interest for him to learn to adapt to his other home. Explain to him that life with Dad and g/f will be different from life with you - they have their rules and expectations and you have yours.

          His Dad loves him surely as much as you do, just differently ...

          Your kidlett is too young to decide for himself if he wants to go or not, what can't be fixed must be accepted. Give him the tools he needs to handle things while he's with them.

          As far as abuse is concerned, be vigilant without giving your boy the impression that Dad's house is causing you anxiety (kids pick up on this). Let your Ex parent his way, and you parent yours

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for the responses. For the record, she was not provoked when she became physically responsive with me. I was picking up my son, and neglected to thank her for watching him. This turned into her yelling, while was asking her to just give me my son and I would leave. I did not retaliate, it wouldn't have solved anything....plus my son was right there. I try not to interfere in how he parents our son. But he doesn't parent.....she does. He didn't tell me that his dad was hitting him, he told his daycare provider. And.....I would like to add, this was not the first time he had stated that his dad had hit him. He came home with bruises on his neck, and when asked, said his dad had picked him up by his throat. I phoned the school to ask for help, thinking he needed counselling, since I couldn't imagine my ex doing that. They sent papers home...twice. Both times My ex refused to sign them. I cut the phone off, because he wasn't being allowed to use it while at his dads. They fight and yell at each other in front of him......that is not cool. Call each other names......also not cool....so I am going to call his dad on that. But then my son gets in trouble for talking to me. Who is he supposed to talk to. Because he feels like nobody is listening right now.
            At a loss, so I should just let this go, and tell him to just suck it up, that I can't help him?? She

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Allformyboy View Post
              Thanks for the responses. For the record, she was not provoked when she became physically responsive with me. I was picking up my son, and neglected to thank her for watching him. This turned into her yelling, while was asking her to just give me my son and I would leave. I did not retaliate, it wouldn't have solved anything....plus my son was right there. I try not to interfere in how he parents our son. But he doesn't parent.....she does. He didn't tell me that his dad was hitting him, he told his daycare provider. And.....I would like to add, this was not the first time he had stated that his dad had hit him. He came home with bruises on his neck, and when asked, said his dad had picked him up by his throat. I phoned the school to ask for help, thinking he needed counselling, since I couldn't imagine my ex doing that. They sent papers home...twice. Both times My ex refused to sign them. I cut the phone off, because he wasn't being allowed to use it while at his dads. They fight and yell at each other in front of him......that is not cool. Call each other names......also not cool....so I am going to call his dad on that. But then my son gets in trouble for talking to me. Who is he supposed to talk to. Because he feels like nobody is listening right now.
              At a loss, so I should just let this go, and tell him to just suck it up, that I can't help him?? She
              Bruises on his neck? and your son says Dad did this? I would take my son to a trusted family doctor, have photos taken and yes go to CAS with this.
              This is serious ....

              Comment


              • #8
                Thanks Janibel.....I want him to spend time with his father, I have made him go whilst kicking and screaming. I thought maybe he was playing us against each other. I don't like it when he comes home and tells me things that don't seem right. Don't I have an obligation to my son, to make sure he is not being mistreated.
                So frustrated and confused.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Allformyboy View Post
                  Thanks Janibel.....I want him to spend time with his father, I have made him go whilst kicking and screaming. I thought maybe he was playing us against each other. I don't like it when he comes home and tells me things that don't seem right. Don't I have an obligation to my son, to make sure he is not being mistreated.
                  So frustrated and confused.
                  Sweetheart, kids will try to put one parent against the other, divide an conquer sort of thing. Though by what your telling me here, he is being mistreated and yes, you should get this sorted out.

                  Try talking to your ex, if that doesn't work then get the help you need to protect your kidlett by all means.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    When he told me his dad had done it, I called his dad and he said "I don't remember grabbing him by his neck" this was well over a yr ago. I did not take pics, so no....I can not prove he had them. How can him making false accusations against his father, come back on me?? I did nothing but support my son, yes.....I jumped the gun, I admit that. But don't see how this would negatively affect me.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I did try to talk to him, asked him to sit down and talk about what was going on with our son. To find a way to help him thru whatever it is. I was told.....yes, we will talk, but when I want to.. ur not gonna tell me how we r doing this". I am frustrated and very torn.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Allformyboy View Post
                        Thanks Janibel.....I want him to spend time with his father, I have made him go whilst kicking and screaming. I thought maybe he was playing us against each other. I don't like it when he comes home and tells me things that don't seem right. Don't I have an obligation to my son, to make sure he is not being mistreated.
                        So frustrated and confused.
                        Yes you do, but not regarding how your ex parents your child. If he is being violent and leaving bruises as you say then the doctor is the place to go.

                        CAS has already investigated and found "no issues"

                        Lets say you go to court what "EVIDENCE" do you have of this?

                        However if you keep calling CAS and they find no evidence it will not look good on you.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Allformyboy View Post
                          I did try to talk to him, asked him to sit down and talk about what was going on with our son. To find a way to help him thru whatever it is. I was told.....yes, we will talk, but when I want to.. ur not gonna tell me how we r doing this". I am frustrated and very torn.
                          His comment suggests to me you might have issues letting go of control.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Live and learn - if this sort of thing happens again, take photos and consult your family doctor to document the incident. Hopefully it was a one time thing.

                            You haven't done anything wrong here.

                            Do your best to keep the communications open with your Ex and hopefully things will settle down. I'm sure your ex and g/f are aware that you will pursue any wrongdoing on their part. If they have any brains in their noggins they will calm down in front of the boy ...
                            Last edited by Janibel; 07-07-2014, 04:10 PM. Reason: typo

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am aware that we parent very differently. They have the right to do so....I have never tried to say otherwise. After I approached his father about my concerns months ago.....my son said things with his dad got a little better. But things with the gf have stayed pretty much the same. I had asked that my son not to be made to clean the toilet(a quick wipe when he pees on the seat is different). Son says that she treats him differently when dad isn't there. She is much nicer when dad is home. I am not sure how to take that.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X