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  • #16
    Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
    I disagree entirely with the notion that she should cancel her plans because he fails to plan accordingly. She has clearly taken their schedule into consideration and made appropriate plans well ahead of time. The notion that, if he is in fact gonig on a date, she should be happy he is moving on and change her own plans - potentially her own already planned date - to accomodate is ludicrous.

    It doesn't happen often, but I agree with Cashcow4ex.

    Hey I am good for a valid point atleast once a year or so.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      I disagree entirely with the notion that she should cancel her plans because he fails to plan accordingly. She has clearly taken their schedule into consideration and made appropriate plans well ahead of time. The notion that, if he is in fact gonig on a date, she should be happy he is moving on and change her own plans - potentially her own already planned date - to accomodate is ludicrous.

      It doesn't happen often, but I agree with Cashcow4ex.
      She doesn't have to change her plans, they just have to find a weekend that works for them both. Simple. If it can't be done, then it can't be done - but it would hard to imagine a scenario where they can't figure a weekend out, or other time, to balance it out.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by cashcow4ex View Post
        I am sorry but I dont agree with everyone here. Why should the OP change her plans, change the way she manages her life to suit a father that would rather get his rocks off than see the kids.

        I understand it being about the kids and them seeing their father. However the reality is the father doesnt have his priorities straight and by the sounds of it never will. He is an adult thats quiet capable of planning his escapades on his off weekends. So why should the OP be the person to always alternate her plans to accomodate her ex's sexual urges?

        To the OP: you keep on doing what your doing and thats raising your kids and enjoying every minute of it. Your not a babysitter thats been hired by your ex to fill in the gaps when he wants to have a little adult time. You gave him an option for a switchable weekend which didnt suit his royal highness and thats as far as you need to go in my opinion.
        The resentment and uncooperative divisive attitude of this advice is not what is needed to get along.

        What he does with his time is his business - "get his rocks off", "escapades ", "sexual urges" "his royal highness" - sounds like a bitter and jealous ex to me!

        Why not have flexibility and allow for changes - deciding to make adult plans that happen to be on the same time as your kids time AND wanting to SWITCH does not mean he has his priorities out of line.

        Why is this a deal? Plans change, the OP may want a change some day too - haven't most people here switched access time???

        Again, just say yes, and work it out - EVERYONE will be better for it.

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        • #19
          Why don't you schedule something really "fun" for the kids on the weekends he gets his compensatory time (compensating for his own poor planning I guess) like a charitable visit to the local nursing home or volunteering the kids all day at the local food bank or , the old standby, dental appointments. Note: get a dentist that works Saturday or Sunday. I am sure this forum could come up with even better suggestions.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by billm View Post
            She doesn't have to change her plans, they just have to find a weekend that works for them both. Simple. If it can't be done, then it can't be done - but it would hard to imagine a scenario where they can't figure a weekend out, or other time, to balance it out.
            Um, yeah she would since she has stated she's ALREADY MADE plans for the weekends the kids aren't supposed to be there. That would mean in order for HIM to make plans and cancel his time with the kids, SHE would have to cancel her plans that she's already made to take the kids. It's not rocket surgery!

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            • #21
              Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
              Um, yeah she would since she has stated she's ALREADY MADE plans for the weekends the kids aren't supposed to be there. That would mean in order for HIM to make plans and cancel his time with the kids, SHE would have to cancel her plans that she's already made to take the kids. It's not rocket surgery!
              Plans for every weekend that take effort or have consequences to change? - be real. Would you not accommidate this situation if it were ANYONE other than 'the ex' - it is just being inflexible out of spite.

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              • #22
                billm, Its not a matter of having unchangable plans. Its the fact that she shouldnt' have to change weekends because the father knowingly chose to make alternative plans. He knowingly chose to do something else rather than spend his custody time with his children.

                Asking her to switch weekends frequently because her ex cant get his shit together isn't called being flexible, its called being taken advantage of. He doesnt have a valid reason for asking for the switch.

                To answer your previous comment about me being a bitter Ex. I am not bitter at all. I just refuse to be a door mat for mine. The only time I would ever cancel time with my kids was if someone in my immediate family died. I would expect the same enthusiasim from my Ex when it comes to spending quality time with our kids.

                I agree that Ex's have to work together...to a point!

                I dont care if I am out of the running for Ex spouce of the year!

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by cashcow4ex View Post
                  billm, Its not a matter of having unchangable plans. Its the fact that she shouldnt' have to change weekends because the father knowingly chose to make alternative plans. He knowingly chose to do something else rather than spend his custody time with his children.

                  Asking her to switch weekends frequently because her ex cant get his shit together isn't called being flexible, its called being taken advantage of. He doesnt have a valid reason for asking for the switch.

                  To answer your previous comment about me being a bitter Ex. I am not bitter at all. I just refuse to be a door mat for mine. The only time I would ever cancel time with my kids was if someone in my immediate family died. I would expect the same enthusiasim from my Ex when it comes to spending quality time with our kids.

                  I agree that Ex's have to work together...to a point!

                  I dont care if I am out of the running for Ex spouce of the year!
                  Well, I disagree with all your points, and you sure sound bitter.

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                  • #24
                    I don't think Bill said once that anyone should cancel plans to accomodate the ex.

                    I have to agree with him, and you guys don't seem to get it. Tell me each and every week-end is booked for the next 12 months, and then offer a weekend in the 13th month as exchange. You are doing your best to be accomodating - but not changing your plans one iota either. So what does it matter?

                    If the ex won't accept waiting 13 months to get the week-end back... Oh well, you did your best to help - but now the ex has to figure out baby-sitting somewhere else.

                    It's really not that hard.

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                    • #25
                      I think you are missing the point Bill! Her original post says:

                      Originally posted by RAAAR View Post
                      Well, the ex is at it again. He emailed me today saying that he had plans during his weekend with the kids (Sept. 16th-18th) and I had the option of keeping them myself, or having him find a babysitter. (rights of first refusal) I am opting to keep them myself.

                      So then he starts talking about which weekend I'm going to switch. Uh.. what? Switch? I thought all I was doing was keeping the kids on a weekend that he couldn't see them.

                      I tell him that if he wants to switch, it has to be this weekend, as I have plans on the other available weekends. He states he has 'adult plans' this weekend, so it can't be this weekend.

                      I say ok.. well your options are to cancel your plans this weekend or cancel your plans next weekend. There are no other options.

                      He flips. Saying he's printing out our conversation to show the courts how uncooperative I am. Am I wrong in thinking that if he's made plans on his weekend with the kids it's not up to me to make up his weekend? It's up to him to either find a weekend that works with my plans, or cancel the plans he made?
                      She offered to switch this weekend with next as he wants next weekend to himself and she already has plans for other weekends (assuming makeup time is done within a reasonable amount of time). Her plans could very well involve things that need to be planned well in advance, perhaps she's going out of town. She opted to take the kids for next weekend as he requested and HE refused to switch this weekend in favour of 'adult plans' despite the fact that HE is the one who requested the swap to begin with.

                      Why on earth should she change her plans ( a second time if you include next weekend when she wasn't scheduled to have them) because he would prefer to have 'adult time' this weekend and won't pick another time that works well for both of them???

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                        I think you are missing the point Bill!
                        Nope, I get all the details and all your points - I just have a different view and different advice.

                        I think the problem is treating him like the 'ex' instead of like anyone else - ie. looking for a problem, overly concerned of "giving in", or avoiding any compromising for what may feel like his benefit.

                        Also, I don't think the weekend HAS to be made up at any inconvenience but I do find it hard to imagine it would be difficult to find time to switch back in a reasonable amount of time as I have never had a problem arranging switched schedules during my entire separation of 4 years.

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                        • #27
                          Quick question, kinda related to this post. What is this "rights of first refusal"? Is it that your ex must offer you the kids when they cant take them? I am asking because I have no agreements in place yet and there have been at least 5 nights in the last 6 weeks that the kids were at dropped off with the ex's relatives for a day or 2 during his access nights because he couldn't look after them. His babysitting solution was to plan 24 - 48 hour "visits" with him not seeing the kids. Should I have been given the opportunity to take the kids those nights?

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by inseperationhell View Post
                            Quick question, kinda related to this post. What is this "rights of first refusal"? Is it that your ex must offer you the kids when they cant take them? I am asking because I have no agreements in place yet and there have been at least 5 nights in the last 6 weeks that the kids were at dropped off with the ex's relatives for a day or 2 during his access nights because he couldn't look after them. His babysitting solution was to plan 24 - 48 hour "visits" with him not seeing the kids. Should I have been given the opportunity to take the kids those nights?
                            If you and your ex agree to offer each other 'the right of first refusal', then yes he/she would call you and ask if you will watch kids before looking for help elsewhere.

                            This is something two adults agree to and follow. This is not a legal obligation of either parent.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by cashcow4ex View Post
                              I am sorry but I dont agree with everyone here. Why should the OP change her plans, change the way she manages her life to suit a father that would rather get his rocks off than see the kids.

                              I understand it being about the kids and them seeing their father. However the reality is the father doesnt have his priorities straight and by the sounds of it never will. He is an adult thats quiet capable of planning his escapades on his off weekends. So why should the OP be the person to always alternate her plans to accomodate her ex's sexual urges?

                              To the OP: you keep on doing what your doing and thats raising your kids and enjoying every minute of it. Your not a babysitter thats been hired by your ex to fill in the gaps when he wants to have a little adult time. You gave him an option for a switchable weekend which didnt suit his royal highness and thats as far as you need to go in my opinion.
                              I agree. Yes, the kids' best interests should always be a consideration, but the OP has the right to set boundaries in terms of having her time treated with respect. He didn't ASK her if she would switch, he TOLD her. The kids aren't going to end up on drugs or dropping out of school for missing one weekend, but they will be seeing how parent A treats parent B over the long term, and being a doormat isn't a good role model.

                              I suspect that if he had come to her and said, "Hey, I know it's my weekend, but something has come up and I was wondering if we could please switch weekends? I hate to miss time with them but this was the only weekend I could do this - could you do me a solid?" - he might have received a more favourable response.

                              The fact is that his other option was getting a babysitter, and he was willing to do that - how does he plan to 'make up' the weekend in that case?? If the OP shuffles her plans and switches weekends to accommodate him then that's her doing him a favour, and respectful treatment demands that he acknowledge that. If she says she'll take the kids, but can't/won't switch, then respectful treatment demands that he suck it up and get over it, because that's her prerogative, and it's still better for the kids to be with a parent than a babysitter, so it merely falls under 'preferable, but not optimal'.

                              What is 'best for the kids' isn't based solely on getting maximum time with each parent. That is an important ingredient, but not the only one - kids also need to see each parent model respectful maintenance of their boundaries. In this case, the dad is being disrespectful, and the OP is calling him out on it, saying, "I'll help you out, and I will act in the best interest of the kids (by giving them an actual parent as a caregiver, rather than a babysitter), but I won't be a doormat - if you want accommodation and favours, try asking with a little more respect"

                              It's not "in the kids' best interest" to learn that simply saying NO is unacceptable. It's perfectly FINE to say, "I can do THIS but not THAT." when responding to a request for a favour.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                ^^^^^^ What LotusFlower and Cashcow4ex said.

                                Agree, agree, agree.

                                Comment

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