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  • Books to give ex and/or suggestions to deal with this?

    Tonight, my ex phoned and spoke with the children - nothing new and something which I very much encourage. Last night, I was not home and he had called several times but the sitter did not answer the phone ( I don't know why). Anyways, we did chat online late last night and I had made the comment to him that regardless of whether or not the sitter had answered the phone he would not have had the chance to speak to the kids since they were sent to bed early for their bad behaviour.

    So tonight, during the call, I overhear my son explaining why he was sent to bed early last night. This seems to be happening frequently. Not the "sent to bed" but the continuous explanations from quite young children for things that happen in our home.( 7 & 8 respectively).

    Last week, Grandma called and I told her she could not speak to grandaughter as she was in bed but her grandson was up. Within seconds my son was explaining why his sister was in bed.

    I have spoken to the ex regarding this, in the past - guess it didn't register or I was rude in my explanation, I don't know. In my opinion, if they want to know WHY, they can ask me. I hold nothing back. To ask a child seems to border on inappropriate. I know neither the ex nor the family mean any ill intent, however, they don't seem to get the concept that pitting children against their parents can be detrimental. Ignorance is more like it. They just don't seem to get that this smacks indecency.

    Now, certainly, I have no intention of limiting phone calls. I will most certainly speak with the childrens counselllor before their next visit but if anyone has any ideas to deal with the other parent and give them an opporunity to understand that my concern is for the children and NOT for pissing the other parent/family off, it would be most appreciated.

    I do have Tug of War and I was hoping to give that to the ex this weekend when the children go to visit. Any other ideas??

  • #2
    You may be over-reacting.

    For your ex or ex-in-laws, it is a speaking point with the kids. A topic of conversation.

    My own mother has always done that, as well as my mother-in-law.

    Now, if the ex or in-laws tell the kids you were wrong, that is a different thing, but I didn't read that in your post.

    IMHO

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    • #3
      Do you have a set time they can call before bedtime? Set a time that is early enough for them to call the children regardless if they are going to bed early for bad behaviour. I think explaining to the ex and the grandparents that you would rather they not ask the children why they were punished and just ask them to speak to you directly.
      Im not sure the ex will take to happy if you hand him a book and say read this. Making recommendations maybe via email or something just stating that you read an excellent book might be the better way. ?? just some suggestions

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      • #4
        In every separation/divorce there are contentions. This is very much a simplistic view with two specific situations that caused a disturbance in me.

        Creating a conversation? In my honest opinion, there are so many other ways to develop and create such a thing. When this was going through the courts last year and the children were living with their Dad I simply asked them about their day, never probed for further information and spent many hours just reading to them. Time well spent.

        As for times. My children go to bed at 8pm. Phone conversation with family typically occurs between 7-8pm. That hour is also consumed with bathing three children (yes, there are three). I was much easier during the winter when we would have supper early, bath early and relax, read and wait for a call. Now we deal with after school/evening play and Mr. Sun - not very easy to have a 8 year old have a bath at 6:30 LOL!

        And no, not throwing the book in his face. On the contrary, I have spoken with him about it and he is very agreeable to reading it. I am wondering if there are other "co-parenting" books out there. I would very much appreciate if anyone knows of some. Most likely to help me in dealing with my own frustration and properly addressing situations before they get out of hand.

        And thanks for the reply's this far!

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        • #5
          Are they telling the kids you were wrong for sending them to bed early, or not? Are you being undermined?

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          • #6
            In "these" particular situations, I do not know if I was undermined - it has been done before. At this point I don't think it is relevant. I refuse to turn the conversation on my children and ask them what the conversation was about. We do disagree about parenting a lot and have accepted that what happens in my house is accepted as much as what happens in his house is accepted. Unfortunately we cannot come to a reasonable ground of parenting that the children do in fact know what they can and canot do with either parent/family.

            Have they told me I was wrong in the past? Absolutely. And I them. I am not perfect nor are they. I am just asking for some helpful advice with dealing/communicating effectively with my childrens' father for their benefit!

            As for being undermined........it is a separation. We are making the best of it that we can and that is why I am asking for any helpful advice from people who have "been there, done that" and can honestly say they dealt with it effectively.

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm talking about what they or you say to your children, not what you say to each other.

              You have two separate homes now and the rules may be different in each house. Common ground would be good, but you two are not a team anymore, as you fully know.

              If I phone my kids, and my ex simply said that one was unavailable due to punishment, I would ask the next kid, in a general way, what happened.

              I think that's fairly normal.

              Comment


              • #8
                I don't allow my babysitter to answer my telephone, unless it is a call from me... If I need to receive a message, I have an answering machine.

                You sound very reasonable and open minded regarding the evening telephone calls... and I agree that balancing the childrens' extra-curricular activities and evening routines are very difficult this time of year. Hopefully Dad can be just as open minded and realistic about the same.

                If you are disciplining the children, that then supersedes a quick call... IMO... especially if it is a rare occurrence.

                If this is happening often, then Dad may be feeling like you are deliberately frustrating his telephone access??

                Maybe the kids can call Dad if they know that they are going to bed early? That way Dad wont miss his chance to say good-night?

                If you are worried about Dad (or Grandma) prying into your personal dealings with the children, then be frank with them and let them know that their interference (or interrogations) are unwelcome and will not be tolerated, (be gentle, ofcourse ).

                They can sugar coat it and make it appear that they are "just making conversation", but they could be snooping for information/ ammunition.

                Just be cautious, and follow your instincts... you know "them" better than anyone else, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to see the truth of their motivations/intentions.

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                • #9
                  Well, I guess that's obviously where you and I disagree "piggybank to the ex". I think it is highly detrimental to be asking the children these questions. I have no issue with the the adult asking about it so that HE can get an appropriate view on the situation, whether he disagrees with my dicipline or not. I do NOT think it is appropriate to be asking a child these matters.

                  So with that, I will once again reiterate my request again for book titles or advice on dealing with this situation.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I know this isn't going to be what you want to hear but I'm going to say it anyways.

                    I think it's good for children to talk about what's going on in their lives whether it's accomplishments or discipline, at any age. It's a great learning opportunity for them. Through sharing their accomplishments they learn to work hard and be proud of themselves; talking about things they did wrong and being disciplined gives an opportunity for them to reflect on what happened, understand the consequences and learn to make better choices next time.

                    I enjoy hearing my children speak about both equally. I'm just as proud of my children for understanding and being able to verbalize the things that went wrong as well as the things that went right. It makes me proud as a parent to know they learned from the mistakes they made. I've always told them the ONLY mistake in life is not learning from your mistakes.

                    I don't have any book suggestions - perhaps co-parenting councilling? Perspective is a great thing to both give and recieve.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanks "representingself", it is learning how to be frank with them without stiring the pot. That's what I need to learn. Do they ask these questions for ammunition? Absolutely. Wouldn't doubt it one bit but I have enough confidence in myself that I can let it not be a personal attack.

                      I just dont' want the kids involved!!! I just want them to be left out of the adult shenanigans! It is that message I need and desperately want to get across.

                      They have gone through enough already. I think I miswrote earlier what I was "thinking" and I will try and correct it in that they have a different set of rules in each household and with each family and they have figured out what they can and cannot do. They function very well with both myself and their father. They love us both. We both love our children. That has been the glue for us being able to overcome insurmountable odds - we did the "court" thing and we can now speak with each other, have unwritten rules, agree to disagree etc. I think we do pretty darn well considering the hell that was wrought upon us.

                      This is one of those things that could drag custody/access through the hell called family court which is where we both don't want to go again! Quite frankly, if I was intent on being a spiteful parent, I could haul this into court as I am eligible for legal aid. He, unfortunately "lost" the battle and is contending with both his bills and a cast majority of my own. He doesn't want to go down that road again; I would much rather learn how to WORK with him than fight him.

                      Soooooooooo, how does one GENTLY ask that interrogations are unwelcome??? My only idea at this point is have the children's counsellor phone some family members to perhaps reiterate to them that such things can be detrimental and could possibly backfire later on. I just don't know at this point!

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                      • #12
                        For sure you are in a situation that could potentially escalate...

                        (BTW, I hope I didn't come across as judgemental or negative, I was sincerely trying to empathize with your situation and maybe offer some assistance?)

                        I can't give you the "right" or "best" way to approach this topic with him....

                        But maybe try presenting it in a "how would it make you feel if I were asking the kids about .....yadda, yadda"?

                        Put him in your place... maybe he can be reasonable?

                        Like I said, you know him better than anyone else, and only you will know how to approach him, without making it seem like you are demanding something from him... or making him feel less than competent.

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                        • #13
                          I appreciated the advice I received on this post so I feel it is necessary to "report" the outcome thus far. I did give the "ex" the book Tug of War on Thursday- it was something we had spoken about before and it was something he was willing to read.

                          I would like to consider us both mature people. The separation, custody and battle made us both immature almost instantanously. I speak only for ourselves. BUT, we have been able to overcome this and there will be many battles to overcome as we both deal with an acceptance to the separation.

                          He talked to me last night about the book. He was able to make a correlation between a question being innocent versus detrimental. Neither of us ever intended on piting our children against us. He stated will not do it again and he has said he will speak to his family as he does understand how such questions can/will affect the parent/child relationship. It is good to know that we can commmunicate for the sake of the children - talking online without hearing the screaming matches is a great benefit also LOL!

                          I hope this can be an inspiration to others - we had a fight on our hands last year that was so bad I wanted to barf when I saw his face in the court room. It had got so bad that the communication between us was through my father (bless him for being our rock) but, it sadly came to a Judge who ultimately decided and concessions had to be made for the sake of the kids - it always was about the kids for me, and deep down, I do know it was the same for him.

                          Comment

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