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  • Ex refuses to give meds to daughter

    I'm going to try to keep this short, as otherwise its too easy for me to get emotional on this and get off track.

    Joint custody with the Ex, 50/50 time with the kids, on an alternating week basis.

    Our 4 year old daughter has had breathing issues her whole life, no diagnosis at this point, on various medications throughout, and has underwent a surgery that had to be stopped a few minutes into it, due to her having a bad reaction while under anesthesia.

    After the failed surgery, the doctors placed her on some new medications in the hopes that it would eliminate or reduce the need for another attempt at the surgery at a hospital better equipped to handle her.

    The meds have worked amazingly for the past 4 months, and I barely see any of her symptoms, with the exception of when she has a cold.

    The ex-wife has since come to decide that there is nothing wrong with our daughter, that I and the doctors see her as a lab rat, and that unless a doctor can tell her absolutely what is wrong with her, she refuses to administer any meds to her during her weeks with the kids.

    I am of course now extremely worried that she will start to backslide and worsen. While there's been no indication from anyone that what our daughter suffers from is life threatening, it is most definitely a huge quality of life issue. Some of the symptoms are similar to asthma, and doctors have indicated that she will more than likely be diagnosed with asthma at the very least, once she is able to complete the lung function test.

    With the ex-wifes refusal to give our daughter her medications, what are my options in dealing with this? I've spoken to the doctors and all they can suggest is having her come in and speak with them, and they would be more than happy to explain it all to her (She refuses). Failing that they have said to take it up with our social worker (we don't have one), or take it up in court.

    Is court the only option here? And even then, how would this be pursued through the courts?

  • #2
    As a parent it is your responsibility to do what is in the best interest of your child. Have you tried talking to you ex and letting her know that this makes you nervous? If her condition worsens is your ex opposed to putting her back on her meds?

    Maybe you could contact the doctor yourself to find out what the worst case scenario would be if your child was off of the meds!

    Have you tested your child for allergies?

    Comment


    • #3
      Ex doesn't believe there is anything wrong, as she only see's her as she is right now, and has convinced herself that its just seasonal allergies or something like that, for some reason she forgets the months of holding a nebulizer to an infants face, and as she got older, daily usage of inhalers with an aerochamber. For the past 4 months, since she's been on the new meds, the kids have been in my care for all but about 3-4 weeks of that, so its been a good amount of time the meds to take effect. The concern now, is that she is back in the picture to resume normal custody for at least the next few months, so half the time she will no longer be getting them.

      I've never asked the doctors about possibilities if she were removed completely from the meds, which is definitely an oversight on my part, I'll be taking care of that soon.

      Testing has been done for allergies, nothing of note was found.

      At this point communication with the ex on the matter is simply ignored. She doesn't acknowledge it.

      Comment


      • #4
        If your doctor's response is to invite your ex to come in and talk to them about the meds, this suggests that the doctor is not overly concerned about long-term damage if the child doesn't take the medication every week. If you're worried, go back and ask specifically if not taking these medications will cause a major health problem, or if the meds are a good idea, but not essential. It's possible that the medications are not as necessary as you think they are.

        If the doctor says "yes, kid must take the medications or bad things are very likely to happen", get it in writing and send that information to your ex, it may change her attitude. This is really a medical decision, so you need objective medical input, above and beyond your own observations of your kid.

        Comment


        • #5
          Lousy if the mother won't go with the father to the doctor to discuss child's health. You'd think someone could put their child's interest first....

          Asthma kills. Parents have to get up-to-speed on treating an asthmatic, particularly a young child. When kids get a bit older they can self-monitor (which is better in the long run anyhow).

          I'd contact your local lung association and see if you can get some information sent to your ex. Perhaps she will read up on everything. Asthma can have a wide variety of symptoms which some parents simply cannot see. One of the common things that parents fail to know is that children have a difficult time EXHALING.

          You can get informed yourself and make sure everyone around you who has contact with your child is informed of the risks of this disease. Child care workers, close family friends, etc. I'm sure they will appreciate knowing about this before they have to take your daughter to the hospital.

          Speaking of hospitals, sadly it sounds as though your ex needs to spend a few 12 hour stints at the local emergency before she takes the condition seriously. The medical team deal with idiot parents like her often and I'm sure they will set her straight. Hopefully nothing happens to your daughter before your ex decides to inform herself of your daughter's health condition.

          Comment


          • #6
            It is negligence for a parent not to follow prescribed medical treatment according to the child and family services act. Doctor prescribed medications so this is within CAS'S catchment - and this would be your gateway to a social worker.

            However you should advise mom that your expectation is to follow prescribed treatment, failing which you will contact CAS.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Serene View Post
              It is negligence for a parent not to follow prescribed medical treatment according to the child and family services act. Doctor prescribed medications so this is within CAS'S catchment - and this would be your gateway to a social worker.

              However you should advise mom that your expectation is to follow prescribed treatment, failing which you will contact CAS.
              If it is a new and unproven treatment regime this would have to be a decision for both parents.

              CAS might side with the mother so caution would be advised.

              Especially as the condition is un diagnosed .

              Comment


              • #8
                It was prescribed by a doctor. That is key.

                We just went through this ourselves. A veteran CAS supervisor and social worker used those very words and cited the act.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Not everything prescribed by a doctor is essential to a patient's health. You could probably argue that many prescriptions are nonessential (symptomatic relief, "let's try this and see if it helps", etc). The OP needs to be completely sure that the prescriptions are medically necessary before he takes steps to try to force the mother to give the meds on her time. Without a medical opinion, it's just a difference between two parents.

                  I can imagine how mom would tell the story: "kid's had some symptoms in the last, nothing's been diagnosed, allergy testing was fine, she's doing much better now, dad is dragging her around from one doctor to another because he thinks she might develop asthma, now dad is trying to interfere with my parenting and force me to give her drugs which I don't think are necessary. He can't do that!". I'm not saying that this is the truth, but without expert opinion, this sounds like just a disagreement as to what is overreacting or underreacting to kid's health issues.

                  So if I were the OP, I would take the kid back to the doctor and get a firmer statement about whether kid really needs the drugs or not, before tackling this with the ex. Of course, if the OP truly believes mom's actions are endangering the child, his first call should be to CAS.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There is already a medical opinion, the prescribing doctors.

                    I did not say "essential to the child's health". You did.

                    OP said that mom won't go to doctors.

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                    • #11
                      Perhaps while trying to keep my opinion and bias against the mother out of things (I swear I really did try!) , I underplayed the reaction of the doctors on her refusal to follow their directions... It was by no means a reaction of "huh, well, that happens, no big deal". The reaction was one of shock that she would disregard them, and outrage. Both doctors i've spoken to about this are quite concerned and have stated that she should be on these meds and needs them.

                      Expert opinion on this matter, has in my mind, been received. She's under the care of two specialists she was referred to by her family doctor. I've also spoken to and received the opinion of the anesthesiologist mentioned. Not exactly sure what else would constitute an expert opinion. If I were wasting everyones time on a non existant health issue, I highly doubt it would have progressed beyond the family doctor, let alone the expenses involved in two specialists and a surgery.


                      As questioned by some, no I don't know what the results will be if she is taken off the meds full time, or partially like this. I do intend to find out the next time I am able to see the doctor. As stated however, she likely has, at a minimum Asthma. This has been told to us upfront by the Anethesiologist when he terminated her surgery partway through, as well as the surgeon. As she cannot complete the lung function test, it cannot be confirmed at her age. Arabian already bluntly stated that Asthma can kill, especially when medication for it is refused. Yes, my daughter has been prescribed ventolin, and yes the mother refuses to administer it.

                      Fortunately I learned last night that the mother will be away again for another couple weeks, which will leave the kids in my custody for a further three straight weeks as of Monday. So while she won't be getting the meds for this week, I'll have a decent period of time to sort things out before she returns, and hopefully have something accomplished, or a concrete plan of action.

                      At this point I've contacted Child and Family Services Alberta, and am awaiting a response back. Since she won't communicate on the matter and refuses to go and speak with the doctors, I can't see any other options other than perhaps some sort of court action.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Serene View Post
                        There is already a medical opinion, the prescribing doctors.

                        I did not say "essential to the child's health". You did.

                        OP said that mom won't go to doctors.
                        Yes, I said "essential to the child's health" because that's the standard this would have to meet in order to justify the OP compelling his ex to give treatments she doesn't agree with on her parenting time. For instance, maybe I have a teenager with acne - I think she should be taking prescription drugs to clear it up but her dad doesn't. This is different from a case where the child is diabetic and one of the parents is a whackjob who doesn't believe in insulin.

                        I don't know which of these scenarios is closer to the OP's case, which is why I suggested he take the kid (not mom) back to the doctor and get an opinion about whether the child's health will suffer if mom doesn't agree to give her the drugs.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I am from Alberta and have an adult son who suffered from acute asthma when young. Fortunately, after finally finding a good specialist, his asthma was controlled. I have to say that it took a lengthy time for my then-husband and I to understand the whole preventative medication process. Usually they are on two drugs. One drug is taken all of the time to keep their airways receptive to the other drug (my simple, but likely not totally accurate way of explaining it). Your kid has to be closely monitored so they don't have to receive Ventolin or be rushed to the hospital. The way you do this is getting them to blow into a "peak flow" meter. It's a simple tube. When the child blows below a simple point you know when to start administering the other drug. That is the simple explanation. Every child is different but the doctor's STANDARD OF CARE does not deviate.

                          Some kids need steroids others do not. We were very concerned and our son missed 2 weeks of school in the spring and summer when he was hospitalized. After we learned more about the disease he didn't have to be hospitalized. Allergies or colds seemed to kick things off. Alberta is a pretty dusty province which didn't help, although some people suffer in humid climates such as Ontario. Snow mold (spring thaw and first snowfall) were particularly worrisome times. Every kid has their own thing which can trigger an attack.

                          Wish you luck. Sucks that you have an uncooperative ex. Maybe ask her how she wants to divide the exhausting hospital emergency room time. Plan on sitting there all night unless you have a good asthma/paediatrician who can expedite your hospital visits. PM me if you need the name of an excellent specialist in Edmonton.

                          Comment

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