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  • #16
    The damage that is done to kids by parents that are on the Cluster B and narcissistic spectrums is so sad. When forced to deal with these high functioning train wrecks it is essential and critical to stay calm, document, and get help yourself to keep your sanity. Try to find a lawyer that has educated themselves in Cluster B personalities. These people are incredibly challenging as you will know if you have ever been involved with one. Co-parenting with them is impossible. Parallel parenting is highly recommended. Is sounds like you created babies with a high functioning hard core Cluster B. You will never change them. They cannot change.

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    • #17
      You have hit the nail on the head. I avoid using the term on here due to negative reception. I keep myself in counseling, fought hard to get the boys into counseling, and have a kick ass, no nonsense lawyer. He's had us in and out of court since the boys were born (dumped me when I would not abort, thank God). Will never settle things just between us, always wants his day in court. He's never been the success party.

      I live a co-parenting nightmare. We parallel parent but as usual, no orders apply to him. I have no idea what he says to our boys but all I know is they left on March 13th happy excited boys and return saying I cannot be trusted and am nothing but a lier.

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      • #18
        Look up Divorcing A Narcissist.
        Is there any children's lawyer involved?
        The kind of alienation you describe makes it hard to understand why joint custody was granted or agreed to.

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        • #19
          He forced us into a private parenting assessment. Paid fully by him with the exoectation the boys were going to be remived from my care. The assessor found issues in both homes and recommended joint parallel parenting. I was "given" the important stuff, he got team extra curricular activities and religion.

          His behaviour towards me and the boys has ramped up since the report was released and the MOS signed. Everything is documented and in the hands of my lawyer.

          And now I have another problem. He lives in Quebec and I in Ontario. I have just seen that the two provinces have decided to restrict travel between them. I would like to think that people who have to move their children between the two will be allowed to make the switch over. I have no idea which government department to call to make this clarification. Ugh, fml.

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          • #20
            Contact the non emergency line for the quebec police force you would be traveling into. They will be the best source of info.

            More than likely they will not turn you away. Or you could tell your ex that he can meet you at a border area and the kids can walk back and forth.

            Be very careful though since he will try to use that to not bring them back to you.

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            • #21
              Just coming here to vent; its been a week from hell. Things mommy cannot do because daddy says so:

              Go to the grocery store
              If I do go, nothing comes in the house unless switched to a new container
              Hug/touch them without their permission
              Order take out
              Go for a walk unless the sidewalks are visibly empty
              Was told by one child, who is not very articulate, "You have an uncanny and unnatural ability of making everything bad and unhappy." (Yes, exact words) This after having had enough of not being listened to all week. I raised my voice after asking them for the millionth time not to throw things in the living room. They broke something yesterday; I didn't get angry then because it wasn't anything important but said, "see what happens?".

              Phone calls continue to be the bane of my existance. He winds them up every goddamn night. What happened after being put in their places re throwing things? We want to call daddy! And I have to allow it. I have never been one to prevent phone calls but I wish I could for the next little while.

              I just don't know what to do. Switch over is tomorrow at 6. I don't want to be scared that they won't come home again but am already heading down that road.

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              • #22
                welcome to my world and add a campaign of insults and poison against my amazing wife (stepmom).
                we do not have a ruling but even after the judge's closing lecture that was very obviously directed at the ex the insults continue
                You cannot fix crazy. you cannot influence control freaks. you will never ever ever change a Cluster B personality
                So, knowing this what can you do that will not end up on court , bankrupt you and destroy the children?
                I wish i knew. the family law system will not change any of this, Never.
                So you really need to become expert in dealing with Cluster B. In becoming the most incredibly detached person imaginable. It is sooooooo freaking hard. And I have failed miserably with fleeting and occasional success.
                I have a saying that expecting other people to behave as I would is a setup. It is a huge setup for failure when dealing with Cluster B.
                So be easy on yourself. Detach, detach, detach.
                DO NOT take the bait.
                Talk to the kids calmly, lovingly and do not engage in the nonsense.
                you do not have to answer to the accusations. he has to prove them. Tell him you will not respond to accusations, insults or any escalation. Repeat it.
                Brief, Informative Firm, Fair, Factual.
                Mission impossible I know. Believe me, I know.

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                • #23
                  Thank you for your support, Abba435. I have been dealing with this person for 12 years now. I thought I had built that thick skin one needs when dealing with these people. But this week, I just did not know how to deal with our current situation. I am struggling with how to manage the crap that is being put into my kids minds and their reactions to it. I am now essentially an unsafe person in my kids eyes and nothing I do has been able to change that. Its devastating and last night I temporarily broke.

                  Today is switch over day; he picks them up at 6. I woke up shaking but shoved that away and focused on my kids. We sat down and I asked them to tell me what they would like me to do to feel safer when they return next Sunday. I will have to wait to find out if it works. We also made a grocery order on Instacart just for them. I let them choose anything (within reason). They know this is their order and it will be waiting for them upon their return.

                  So far, so good today. But, my blood pressure is up, anxieties too. I have been in contstant contact with my counselor. I have a long week ahead of me waiting to see if he will follow our Covid-19 agreement. Only time will tell.

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                  • #24
                    Cranberry I really think a support group (off this forum) by invitation would help a lot of us that are not just dealing with the legal mayhem but the personality mayhem. PM me if you are interested. I have learned a lot from many of the members adn am grateful for this. Sometimes it is good to know you are not facing something that has never happened before. There are a lot of families in distress especially now. I predict much much worse is coming as the full economic impact hits within a few weeks for millions if not billions worldwide. That is another topic altogether.

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