Urgent situation with teens

[arabian]

I agree totally with ^ posters and would reiterate that your children are learning about boundaries.

Good old mom should keep herself occupied and perhaps not always available? You can still come off as a loving, concerned parent by saying "gosh I see your problem.. perhaps you could do XYZ" without directly involving yourself.

Karma

[stripes]

I see the two incidents differently. With the skates - yes, it is ridiculous to expect Mom to bring them over, Mom is not FederalExpress. But with the 16-yr-old, depending on what his special needs are, it may not be safe to leave him at a McDonalds on his own for a long time when his father wouldn't come and get him. (For a non-special-needs kid, I would say let him figure his own way out of this one).

I agree with the posters above - you need to keep the boundaries with your kids. I imagine that it's very difficult right now while you are dealing with the guilt of having dropped them off at Dad's, but if they realize they can manipulate you because you feel guilty, they will just get worse.

You are doing the right thing by inviting them over for dinner even though they didn't end up coming. And you are also doing the right thing by seeking counselling for yourself.

[Where is the Light]

Oh, was he ever mad at my eldest lastnight. They ended up coming home from their dinner date minutes after I dropped him off. Later that evening he text me, "do you want your kids from Dec 10-12". Advise! Guess he needs some time off.

[Where is the Light]

Thank you for some really good advise.

[Where is the Light]

Thank you so much. Yes, I felt compelled to pick up my special needs child. He is 16 but working at a grade 3 level. He is not mentally or emotionally 16 by any means. He was far from home and out in the dark in a very busy area. He would not have known how to get home. He also has a diagnosis of anxiety and was full of anxiety when he called me.

[Where is the Light]

I forgot to mention that I asked my eldest (special needs son), do you want some money from your bank account? Some spending money, maybe 10 or 20 dollars. I asked this of him while driving him back to his dads. He seemed very nervous and said no, it is o.k. Well, today while doing my banking I figured out why. He took my son to our bank, the bank account I set up for him and withdrew all his money.

On another note. I text my younger (very mouthy) son today advising him I was going to be picking him up at school at x time to take him to his ortho his appointment. He said, we'll see, I'll let you know. I respond, why let me know? I have always taken you to every appt. His response, SO! In caps. Downright hurtful.

[ele110]

Oh, was he ever mad at my eldest lastnight. They ended up coming home from their dinner date minutes after I dropped him off. Later that evening he text me, "do you want your kids from Dec 10-12". Advise! Guess he needs some time off.

I hope you said yes and will enjoy the time with your sons! And who knows they might end up staying?
Teenage kids of divorced/conflictual parents become extremely manipulative and will blackmail parents. 13 and 16 is a difficult age. I have experienced it first hand. It can be emotionally very difficult and can have serious financial repercussions. I have had eoisodes of ' I am going to stay at the OP for a while' when teen age kids were not 'happy' with me and it is stressful. Try to find a balance. Be patient. Do not freak out at them. Be there for the kids when they need you but try to not have them walk all over you. Find opportunities to be with them without looking like you are desperately running after them. It is very hard and I feel for you.
Regarding the orthodontist apt, I would email the ex reminding him of the apt and asking him if he would like you to take the kid or if he is going to take him. .

[Where is the Light]

Urgent situation with teens

Things continue to be tough.

My kids came for a dinner visit. My youngest refused to wash his hands when he came in to eat. One of my home expectations. In fact, he came out and told me my rules were ''bullshit''. Nice. I let it go. My 16 year old told me how he was planning to have sex and that if g/f got pregnant he would have his g/f simply give the baby up for adoption. Of course I shared my thoughts on this. This is my special needs son. He advised that he was given the green light to have sex with g/f mom and his own dad. Then my special needs child talks about cutting, but my youngest cuts him off and says dad told us not to talk, shut up. I never got the story about cutting. It was lucky I had a school meeting with child's teachers the following day. They did share some with me. My child claimed to be cutting at his dads but saw no markings on his arms. He is on red alert. They said child's upset had nothing to do with me and would share nothing further. Question, should they not be sharing all the details? He is 16.

On another note, my younger son who was to go on a cruise with me in January has backed out. Oh my breaking heart.

Lastly, I called my elder son on the phone the other night and when he realized it was me he said, 'oh f'. I said pardon me? Told him that was not appreciated. Rude short conversation and when about to hang up he called me a B. My kids behaviour is getting increasingly worse since away from me (with dad). How does one handle this? I am treated like absolute crap.

Lost without kids and yet hurt when I see them. Thoughts/ideas?

[arabian]

I'd "keep the door open" and not make a big deal about this. Kids are looking for a big reaction from you. My first reaction was that they are spoiled and self-centered. However, most teens are self-absorbed at one time or another.

With regards to the cruise in January, perhaps simply say that is "too bad as you were looking forward to going with you but I will be sure to take lots of pictures and bring home a souvenir." Then say nothing more about it. Enjoy yourself... ask a friend along instead.

I'd let them come after you and not chase them down. Offer to host monthly dinner/game night with them... 15th of the month but they must confirm by the 10th. If you don't get confirmation then plan something else for that day with a "see you next month?"

If/when they do come for dinner you can make it fun. If they are ill-behaved then just laugh at them and shake your head and change the subject as a good host would do. At 10:00 tell them it is getting late and time for them to go... you "look forward to seeing them again next month." Treat them as guests.

I really think that from what you are saying is that they are simply looking for a reaction from you. Don't give them that satisfaction. Take up a new hobby and talk the hobby at dinner or other non-personal things. When they are ready to act like loving children you can act like a doting mom again. Keep your life personal and to yourself. Ask more questions and offer less about yourself.

Anyhow, that's my 2 cents worth.

Yes they are treating you terribly but remember that people tend to shit on those they are closest to. Strange isn't it?

[Paulamichelle]

Wow I really feel for you ,but I totally agree with Arabians advice just ignore them and don't react ,I know this is hard but that's the best thing and guess what eventually I'm pretty sure they will start this with dear old Dad too! And go on your cruise and take someone else maybe a deserving niece ! And have fun you deserve it ��

[LovingFather32]

My youngest refused to wash his hands when he came in to eat. One of my home expectations. In fact, he came out and told me my rules were ''bullshit''.

I'm in the behavioral field and I can tell you that this isn't all that uncommon for 16 year olds. I have worked in many family's homes. I'm usually the last resort before developmentally delayed teens are sent to a group home.

I once had a 16 year old developmentally delayed teen client who was throwing glasses against walls, punching step dad in the head, refusing to do homework, clean, etc. I had another very similar case except the teen was neurotypical.

I taught adaptive communication, which consisted mainly of "Contingent positive reinforcement". For instance, in my initial observations I noticed that the parents were engaging in what I like to refer to as "Verbal Jiu-Jitsu". My initial ABC baseline data (Antecedent/Behavior/Consequence) indicated that behaviors occurred more when the parents used more tone, used certain keywords (such as "no" too often, facial expressions, etc.

One time I was about to leave my shift when a behavior was starting and the parents asked me to stay. The boy wanted to go out but had to clean his room first. I noticed the parents' voices raising and using the word "No" a lot. I instructed them to sit on the couch, look at a magazine and talk amongst themselves calmly, every once in a while glancing up and saying "Yes, you can go out .. just as soon as you clean your room". (As opposed to "NO...etc"), The boy got upset but realized he had nobody to spar with. He ended up cleaning his room and going out without an explosion.

My point is that communication goes a long way. I agree with Arabian that they are seeking a reaction. Stay positive, relaxed and use positive contingent reinforcement. There is a ton of disrespect going on right now with teens and parents, whether its from the Karadshians, Jersey Shore, shitty friends or whatever. Be proactive and don't fall in to the traps.

This is my special needs son. He advised that he was given the green light to have sex with g/f mom and his own dad.

There's nothing wrong with this. I worked in a group home with a delayed teen girl who was going through sexual exploration with her boyfriend and there wasn't anything could do besides educate her about safety, etc. Actually, good on your son for seeking permission in the first place, that's rare.

Then my special needs child talks about cutting, but my youngest cuts him off and says dad told us not to talk, shut up.

individuals who engage in masochistic behavior such as cutting are doing so to non-verbally express their hurt. Regardless of your ex's apparent pleas to not discuss it, it doesn't sound like your son is trying to hide it from you.

It was lucky I had a school meeting with child's teachers the following day.

I work on a school board and go to interviews with separated parents all the time. Trust me when I say that luck had nothing to do with it, all you have to do is schedule a meeting.

My child claimed to be cutting at his dads but saw no markings on his arms. He is on red alert.

Your son may be experiencing significant anxiety with the current, abrupt changes and is cutting as a coping strategy, which also allows him to display his emotional state. What does red alert mean? No marks on his arms ...Is he cutting his legs, thighs back etc? (Or not at all?)

They said child's upset had nothing to do with me and would share nothing further.

Not making sense. If the teacher's are cognizant of the "reason" the child is cutting they have an obligation to tell you, in fact they would right away. This part makes no sense to me. So the kids left you (very upset with you ....enough to live at heir dads)...and your son's anxiety has to do with you? Hmmm

On another note, my younger son who was to go on a cruise with me in January has backed out. Oh my breaking heart.

Take Arabian's advice. Also, it's not unheard of for teens to back out of family functions to be with their peers.

My kids behaviour is getting increasingly worse since away from me (with dad). How does one handle this? I am treated like absolute crap.

Watch the way that you communicate. You are clearly emotional and if dad is in fact speaking negatively of you to the teens then your emotions are playing right in to his hands.

However, my feeling is that it may in fact be your children who are doing most of the negative talk towards you (more so than dad) given your story and the reason they left.

Teens are tough, especially when there is a cognitive delay involved. But there are strategies to improve your relationship for sure.

[Links17]

lol @ kids of divorce... what do you think happens when you break up a kids home.

[LovingFather32]

Well, I personally wouldn't chuckle at our children's issues during divorce, but he's right .. it's not hard to predict that there will be some commotion when you break up a child's home.

I suggest taking a parenting after separation class. I'm a behaviorist with a BA in psychology and I still took it and learned quite a bit.

Given your children's behaviors following the separation (and until this day), you have to start looking at "why" their behaviors are occurring and how you might be indirectly contributing. They seem to resent you a lot.

[Where is the Light]

Arabian,

Thank you for your feedback.

Please don't think me stupid, but why are they looking for a reaction? I would absolutely agree they have been spoiled by me in every sense of the word.

I don't know if I can go on the cruise without my son? I am in such a depressed state. I am dreading Christmas this year!

[Where is the Light]

PaulaMichelle,

Thank you for your thoughts. I do know for a fact that there have been troubles with dad also since their being there. Doesn't make me feel any better though. I miss them like crazy, just not the way they treat me.

Dad is a yeller, they hate yelling. He swears like a truck driver also. Soon they will be swearing at him also, if they aren't already. This is a horrible way for people to treat each other. My ex has advised that he is now going to therapy with boys. Funny how they will agree to go with him. How come they will listen to him and not me? I know the answer, they fear his yelling. He is having difficulties coping also I am told, not having been a real parent up to now. This was his choice years prior. He told a close relative to me that this is not what he bargained for, being a full time parent at 50. I feel sorry for my kids believe it or not.