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  • #16
    Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
    ugh. this is why I'm pushing for sole custody with parallel parenting possible. I do not want to set up for a battle for the next 18 years everytime I have to make a medical appointment.


    I have sole custody. Crazy eh. Still questions everything I do even though I give him details


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    • #17
      Originally posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
      I have sole custody. Crazy eh. Still questions everything I do even though I give him details


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      Yeah- I have been trying to do things by the book- by using Our Family Wizard, and letting him know about her appointments, etc..but it's just setting me up to be put back in this power struggle - and raise conflict.

      This is what I'm hoping to bring up with the OCL. That while I fully intend on fostering a healthy relationship with him- I do not want to be placed in a position where I constantly have to be in communication with him.

      Have you considered dialing back the information?

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      • #18
        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
        Yeah- I have been trying to do things by the book- by using Our Family Wizard, and letting him know about her appointments, etc..but it's just setting me up to be put back in this power struggle - and raise conflict.



        This is what I'm hoping to bring up with the OCL. That while I fully intend on fostering a healthy relationship with him- I do not want to be placed in a position where I constantly have to be in communication with him.



        Have you considered dialing back the information?


        We are in court process now and he says he doesn’t get any info from me. Yet I have a million emails to prove otherwise.

        I guess I need clarification on what I have to communicate. If I want him to pay half of uncovered orthotic cost. I have $300 coverage. I thought I had to let him know. And he even still said he doesn’t consent to the cost at this time. ? I shouldn’t have to make our son wait any longer to get some relief for his pain. So I guess again I’m on the hook for it all ;-(


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        • #19
          Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
          ugh. this is why I'm pushing for sole custody with parallel parenting possible. I do not want to set up for a battle for the next 18 years everytime I have to make a medical appointment.
          So your ex has already stopped you from making medical appointments?

          If you mean "I want ex to give me cash" you'll still need to talk to him. Sucks, especially when you are trying to remove him from your life.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Janus View Post
            So your ex has already stopped you from making medical appointments?

            If you mean "I want ex to give me cash" you'll still need to talk to him. Sucks, especially when you are trying to remove him from your life.
            He has stopped me. And asked me to change dates and locations to accommodate him, not our daughter- e.g. she's a toddler- I try to keep her appointments in the morning so she'll be back after lunch to get in a nap. and try to make it not across the city. Consequently- I take days off and give him ample notice.

            And I don't want cash. I want support- cause our daughter deserves it. I'm debating on offering to allow him to put any support- aside from the 1/2 for her childcare and preschool directly into her RESP. I have to look at the tax implications of that though.

            And I'm not naive or malicious enough to actually want to remove him from my life. He's our daughter's dad- he's in my life de facto. What I'm trying to do- for my mental health (which will ultimately benefit our daughter) is to reduce conflict. I have no issues with informing and consulting with him on *major* issues- health, education, etc...but I mean, her dentist appointments?

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            • #21
              Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
              He has stopped me. And asked me to change dates and locations to accommodate him, not our daughter- e.g. she's a toddler- I try to keep her appointments in the morning so she'll be back after lunch to get in a nap. and try to make it not across the city. Consequently- I take days off and give him ample notice.

              And I don't want cash. I want support- cause our daughter deserves it. I'm debating on offering to allow him to put any support- aside from the 1/2 for her childcare and preschool directly into her RESP. I have to look at the tax implications of that though.

              And I'm not naive or malicious enough to actually want to remove him from my life. He's our daughter's dad- he's in my life de facto. What I'm trying to do- for my mental health (which will ultimately benefit our daughter) is to reduce conflict. I have no issues with informing and consulting with him on *major* issues- health, education, etc...but I mean, her dentist appointments?


              Exactly!!! I agree. It’s being done to make you nuts. That is what my ex is doing. Except it’s his gf not my ex.

              Routine appointments for shots or a cold. Dad doesn’t need to be Invited. You can tell him the outcome after which is what I do and I still get shit on.


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              • #22
                Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                He has stopped me. And asked me to change dates and locations to accommodate him, not our daughter- e.g. she's a toddler- I try to keep her appointments in the morning so she'll be back after lunch to get in a nap. and try to make it not across the city. Consequently- I take days off and give him ample notice.
                Your toddler must have an outrageously busy schedule. I agree, it is quite annoying that he wants to be there for medical appointments. Clearly, it would be better if he had no say in your daughter's medical care at all, because that would make scheduling appointments easier.

                What I'm trying to do- for my mental health (which will ultimately benefit our daughter) is to reduce conflict.
                That is some high level rationalizing. I like it!

                It is better for the father to be in your daughter's life. However, you find it stressful, and so it is better for your daughter that you not be stressed, which is accomplished by making sure that he is not in your life. So, you need him out of your life for you, but if it is for you then it is really for your daughter, because if it is good for you then it is good for your daughter.

                amirite?

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                • #23
                  Most parents do not schedule appointments at nap time. Have you taken a toddler or baby on an outing at nap time? not fun. I wouldnt schedule it then either, unless it was some specialist appointment that I had to wait months for and not exactly negotiable.

                  I dont know if putting it in an RESP is a good idea. I dont know fotr sure, but I had the impression from reading on here that after separation any money a parent puts into an RESP can be used as their share of the 1/3 % of the section 7 school expenses, while RESP built prior to separation are for the child to use towards their 1/3 share. I dont know if this is actually true, or maybe just by agreeement rather than a hard and fast rule. But if that is true, it owuld seem if he pays his share of medical section 7 that he suppose to give to you to help cover the cost, into an RESP instead, that he can then also use this same money in the RESP to pay his portion of postsecondary section 7, so he is using the same pot of money twice. Where as you are going to pay all of the medical and still your 1/3 share of post secondary. Someone please correct me if i am wrong

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                    If I was the dad, and I was not involved with the appointments then I would not contribute. I would want to be at the appointments and speak to the professionals, think and research, and then make a decision. otherwise, then I am being alienated from the decisions and nothing really more than a credit card. I have a zero tolerance policy for conflict like that being created by the sole custodial parent followed by an argument that "we just can't get a long and he just wants to control me". I've won that on 2 unilateral decisions re: S7 expenses,and I would fight it again in a heartbeat.

                    The "it's easier to ask for forgiveness then to ask for permission" theory doesn't work too well in family court. You shouldn't have to ask for permission, but it should be a mutual agreement. The principal behind this is no different than your cable or cell phone company sending you a bill for something you never agreed to. It MAY be beneficial, but it should be discussed and agreed upon before hand. If you ask, and they say no, and it is clearly something the child would benefit from, then that may be different. That is not to say he could obtain a recommendation contradicting your recommendation. Doctors just like judges, lawyers, counsellors, mediators, etc are all different with different opinions and recommendations.

                    Probably best for you and your ex to exchange a list of professionals with one another and for you BOTH to agree to a couple or few, get their recommendations, and go from there. Rather than you just going to whoever you please, signing the child up, and footing the bill up the father's ass. He may have divorced or broken up with you, but he did NOT break up or divorce with his child and has a moral right to be involved in the decisions affecting his child.

                    Regardless of you having sole custody, section 7 expenses (unless a court order specifies otherwise) must most always be agreed upon by both parents in advance.


                    So what do you do when your son is still in pain and can barely walk because dad doesn’t consent to orthotics that were prescribed by a physician. ? Also dad was offered to come to the FREE assessment that has been scheduled and he just ignores this request. ?

                    At what point is it not fair to the children to drag them through this?

                    Dad doesn’t want the children in any extra curricular activities. ? Is that fair to the kids?

                    Is it fair to agree to hockey for 3 years then decide to say no after that long?

                    Is it fair for dad to just stop paying half of health care benefits that are for his children or stop contributing his half to his children’s resps’s with no explanation when he has done so for the last 4 years? And signed the written agreement saying he would do so?

                    Ex has the list of professionals. He has been to several appointments and he has consent to call or visit any of them and get any information he needs.

                    What if the ex has always been invited to appointments and always said no in the past? Then all of a sudden he wants to be included but never makes this known?

                    When asked in the past to attend appointments his answer was “no one pays me to miss all this time off work”. As if I get paid for them?

                    I’m glad you sound like a dad that wants to be induced and will be at routine appointments.

                    From the day my children were born dad never had any interest and refused to attend with me or better yet take them himself.

                    All of a sudden he gets a women who makes him attend things he should have always attended and I am just supposed to know this is now what he wants?


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                    • #25
                      Don’t defend yourself to youngdad. He is letting his issues with his ex cloud his vision and chooses to attack moms on here. You can lead a horse to water is evident in your ex’s case. Tell him about the appointments, invite him to attend and stop beating yourself up. He is a grown ass man and can do what is best for his kids like every other parent out there.

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